My mother is a 78 year old widow who just sold her house of 40+ years and moved to an apartment near me. She had a heart attack 2+ years ago, I think in large part because she hadn't addressed her mobility problems, which could have been resolved with two hip replacements. Her heart attack was not super serious, but unfortunately, because her hips hurt and she was not moving around, she didn't recover as well as she could have, didn't do as much cardiac rehab as she should have, and she now has symptomless congestive heart failure.
She FINALLY had one hip replacement, only because my brother and his family basically forced her to, and feels much better on that side. The surgery went well and she had an easy recovery. Now I'm trying to get her to have the second hip done.
Getting her second hip fixed will improve the quality of her life (she can barely walk and is in constant pain), give her back some independence, help maintain her cognitive functioning (memory can be related to the strength of the calf muscles, believe it or not), and help ME because I won't have to run around and do everything for her. I am a true single parent with a full time job and taking her to appointments several times a week and running errands for her is just not feasible long term.
But she's dragging her feet on getting the second surgery. She refuses to go back to the original surgeon, although that would be the simplest solution. I made another appointment for her, waited for months for her to see him after all the Covid surges and cancellations. I left her alone to see the doctor because I had to log into a work meeting and when she came out, she told me he does not want to do the surgery (in retrospect I think she lied and told him SHE didn't want to do the surgery). So I made two other appointments--one was for today, the other is next week. This morning she started dragging her feet about going to the appointment today:
1 Why didn't I tell her I was making the appointment? She was sitting right next to me when I made it!
2 Why did I give them the wrong insurance information? I gave the information she gave me and showed her my notes!
3 Why hasn't she heard of this doctor before? I told her all about it when I made the appointment!
We cancelled the appointment. I got so frustrated I told her she was being irrational. She told me I was irrational. I told her I couldn't believe she was wasting my time like this when I have so many other things to do. I told her I wasn't going to force her to do anything, that it's her life, whatever happens happens, and that I give up.
But she can't stay living where she is with her current mobility limitations and she won't even go into an independent senior living facility, which at least wouldn't have stairs, would have a walk in shower, etc.
I really feel like it is so selfish of her to waste my time and also for her to refuse to improve her situation and expect me to run around and do things for her.
Since she's so suspicious of me, I think I have to stay completely out of the decision making--you have to trust people who are managing your care, right? Also, I don't appreciate doing a bunch of work and not being trusted.
Who is this b*%#$, anyway? I love my mom but I don't know who this lady is.
If she doesn't have this surgery, I feel like she will probably not live more than another two years. But I can't force her, right?
She hasn't kept up her end of the deal. You are Frustrated ++. You are also getting worn out being her one person support team & driver.
I think the advice "you can't make her" is correct.
Also the warnings that low O2, heart issues & possible behaviour change could actually be signs of something worse than the 'age related' decline you suspected.
You write with a high level of insight & health knowledge. You don't appear to have a magical dreams about doing everything for Mom because *you have to* or quitting your job, moving in with her because she won't move, then wonder where your life went..
Keep your job, you need it plus it's very good to have real reasons you can't be Mom's assisted living solution.
Coz that's what you are now.
So keep up on the facts. See if you can get in loop with reports from Mom's doctors.
An elder Social Worker could be a great addition to Mom's team. See if you can schedule some sort of needs assessment for a coming day off work. Independent or Assisted Living may actually be the direction she needs. Sooner rather than later. Even with that hip replacement.
Best of luck.
The only times she has cognitive issues (like trouble calculating a tip) is when she doesn't do physical therapy--yes, cognitive issues can be related to low oxygen to the brain, and the muscles that pump blood back up to the brain are the soleus muscles. There is a lot of research on reversal of cognitive impairment in hypotensive patients (which is what my mom is). That doesn't mean that she couldn't also have regular dementia, but when she does her exercises, she's fine again (adding numbers with no problem). The problem is that it's hard for her to keep up with the exercises when she's in so much pain, which is why she needs the hip replacement.
She has a physical therapist she likes, but I can't keep taking her to physical therapy 3x a week with no end in sight, I will lose my job. I'm also a parent, which takes up time too. Last week she made an appointment with the physical therapist without telling me and then couldn't get an Uber home and stood outside waiting in the freezing cold for three hours. The only reason why she broke down and called me is because her phone was about to die. I was 20 minutes away, taking my daughter to ballet, which threw everything into total chaos.
The understanding when she moved here was that she was going to have the second hip replaced. If we had known she wasn't going to do it, we never would have let her move into the apartment she's currently in.
Her heart was strong and functioning perfectly, according to her doctor, until she stopped walking around because of her hip problems.
Her cardiologist cleared her for her first hip surgery. When we saw him again a few months ago, he said she has been stable for over a year so there's no reason why she can't have the other surgery.
Basically, if she doesn't have this surgery, then we have to figure something else out--like she has to live someplace else, someplace wheelchair accessible, with people who can get her to appointments, and if she thinks the current situation is an infringement on her autonomy, she is going to FLIP OUT when she goes even to an independent retirement community.
But given her resistance to anything I do, I think it's probably time to get a social worker involved.
I'm just angry because I thought we had an understanding that she was going to take steps to improve her mobility and I can't keep running around for her.
Lots of elders sit around doing not much of anything and it doesn't cause them to keel over and die, nor does it cause them to get 'symptomless congestive heart failure'. It sounds like your mother is suffering from dementia AND a bad heart, both. Being highly 'suspicious' of you and forgetting what's going on from moment to moment is a huge RED FLAG that your mother is suffering from dementia rather than simple 'old age related decline', and likely why you 'don't know who this lady is'. Because she's lost a lot of her brain function and has morphed into someone else entirely as a result!
Hip replacement surgery is NOT a cakewalk. It also does not cure whatever ails an elderly person. I know, I've had one. And if mom is suffering from dementia, she's not likely to be a great patient or one that follows doctor's orders to exercise and do what she's told to do b/c her brain doesn't work properly anymore.
I suggest you get her in for cognitive testing, first and foremost. A simple MoCA or SLUMS test will tell you where she falls on the cognition scale and why she might be acting so 'difficult' these days.
Then it will be time for you to study up on dementia and all that's involved with it, and how she needs a lot of help, support and care management for an affliction that's very dangerous for her b/c she can easily burn the house down or asphyxiate herself in a New York minute, without realizing anything is wrong!
Here's a good place to start:
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Good luck.
Sounds like dementia to me. Do you have power of attorney for her finances and for her medical, because I think it's time to have her cognitive abilities checked. If she's not competent, then you (or whomever has POA) can make the decision for her to move.
Frankly, I'd skip the hip surgery at this point and figure what to do with her as a wheelchair-bound woman with possible dementia, or if you think she is indeed competent, you just step back and wait for the inevitable crisis that she may or may not survive.
And, by the way, if she doesn't want the surgery the surgeon wouldn't want to do the surgery. It's sort of six of one and half a dozen of the other. And even silent congestive heart failure wouldn't exactly be good news to the surgeon. I'm guessing your mother wouldn't be enthusiastic about having it done under epidural?
Get her a good, supportive, cheerful physical therapist and let that person handle any future conversations about hip replacements.