Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Easier said than done! Sorry I posted accidentally before I was done. In a nutshell, I have moved on. I talk to my sisters only when it deals with my mother otherwise, I have seen them for who they truly are these past few years and frankly I don’t like them! We don’t get to choose our family, but I have decided I will choose who I spend my precious time with moving forward. They are missing out on time with our mother. That is something they will have to live with. Life is short as we all know, don’t waste it. I thought I had a perfect supportive family that would come together and help when things were bad, I was wrong. And realizing and admitting that to myself was hard. Harder than letting go of sibling resentment. I now focus on my wonderfully supportive husband, children and my Mom. They deserve my attention and love!
I wish you peace and much love moving forward. Seek out professional help if you need to but be well and don’t let them win! You are the winner here!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
cdnreader Jul 2022
Thank you Surviving. Appreciate everything you said. You're so right and we do have to focus on what matters. Good of you care for your mom. x
(2)
Report
Unfortunately they are not going to change. I've been waiting for my sister to become an amazing helper with my dad's care. At the point of having carers burnout I was being woken through the night by my dad to change him. I was exhausted & mentally drained. On asking for my sister's help I got comments that were on a text. One saying I was using emotional abuse & 2nd was you didn't moan when you had dad's money. Implying I was ok to take my dad's money when he was better but not interested in caring for him now. I out her Straight that I was paying my own way & it was none of her business anyway. Straight away I had to get help from a social worker who got me carers to help dad in the night & a lovely lady to sit with dad 2 days a week for 3 hours. Since then I have gained control & able to enjoy some life. Although I am polite to her when she does her brief visits I will never forgive her. I have just received an invite from my niece to her wedding reception only. So I got upset & spoke to an online support line who has been a great help. My conclusion. I will never change my sister & her family, they don't respect me & have treated me cruelly in the past. Once my dad passes I will have nothing to do with them & make a future for myself with my daughter & partner. So forget your siblings they didn't care about you. Pat yourself on the back for being a wonderful daughter & granddaughter. Everytime you feel that resentment remember what you did as an amazing carer & treat yourself to a coffee & cake or a bunch of flowers. You don't need them in your life. They will need you first but hopefully by then you will be self absorbed in enjoying a great life. Youve done your duty now it's time to look after yourself.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
CTTN55 Jul 2022
"I have just received an invite from my niece to her wedding reception only. So I got upset"

Most people would be upset at being invited to the ceremony only and not the reception.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
cdnreader
I hear you. I’m caregiver to my dad who’s 86. I had no choice when it came to looking after him in our home(my husband and my home) my brother doesn’t want me to accept money from my dad to pay for his board and lodging. It’s got to the stage when I see his name came up on my phone. He is Dads POA.
I cringe and think what now? My brother, it’s never to see how I’m going, it’s usually if he wants something, My sister who I’m pretty close to, genuinely loves me, well she’s got two kids in high school, so I don’t expect her to be able to help too much but her phone calls are a blessing and pleasure for me. When I first stepped up to be caregiver, my brother was initially worried for me about looking after him because I’d been pretty much under his thumb before I got married and was out of his house. My dad, prior to getting dementia, was a domineering control freak. With dementia, he’s still pretty difficult and a compulsive whinger. It’s not an easy job.
But I think you need to make time for you now. Enjoy your life and involve yourself in things that you love and enjoy. Do you have any creative skills or hobbies? Focus any energy on these things and away from selfish siblings who don’t deserve your precious time. I am currently studying a different language and when I’m stressed out, I also play the piano.
Look it’s not hopeless. One day these siblings may need someone to care for them, just make damn sure that’s it’s not you.
Good luck and God Bless.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
CTTN55 Jul 2022
Why did you end up with your father living with you? Your brother wanted to put him in AL -- why didn't that happen? (I know you said Daddy didn't want to...well, so what?)

You've been married for 5 years, and your father has been living with you for almost 2 years. You wrote that your H only tolerates your father. What's going to happen as your father further deteriorates? Your H might not stick around.

As far as your sister, why does her having 2 high schoolers mean she can't do anything? Why don't you give reasons that YOU can't do anything for your father?

You wrote that you hope it ends soon. Your situation could end soon if you would do something about it. Why don't you?
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
As you’ve read in several responses, it’s not unusual for siblings to place all the responsibilities on one person. It’s saddening to see it happen because it shows just how much they really love their parent(s) and sibling. When your parents need help the most, that’s when your siblings turned their backs and walked away. Sadly, you can’t change your siblings. It is a decision that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives. One day, they, too, will be old, sick, and needing help. But payback will come. Rest assure that payback will come.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
hellokarma Jul 2022
Re-posting your last two sentences:
“But payback will come. Rest assure that payback will come.”

Music to my ears.

Sincerely yours,

Hello Karma
(4)
Report
See 1 more reply
Help those that appreciate it. Quit helping those that don't. You control who you communicate with. If people, including family members, are rude to you, do not engage them. Or conversely, if you are in a social situation and they approach you and are rude, give it back to them. Ask them what makes them think they are entitled to be rude and disrespectful to you. Tell them you will no longer tolerate it. Then walk away. Your happiness is just as important as theirs. Give yourself the love and attention you have been giving to others. You are a good person, and you deserve kindness and love.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
cdnreader Jul 2022
Thank you ClaraKate. Appreciate everything you've said. (((hugs)))
(0)
Report
If you are waiting on them to graciously thank you for all of the caregiving, all I can say is don't hold your breath. It is the most thankless job in the world. Sounds like you have a reprieve from all of the caregiving...use this time to move on and do kinds things for yourself for a change.

Your anger and resentment is hurting you, not them. Life is short....start living yours!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
cdnreader Jul 2022
Thank you Jamessj. I hear you, my friend.
(1)
Report
Yes.
Thats it. They won't ever feel the way you do. Wasted energy trying to get the words you long for from them. They will never thank you or pat you on the back. Never. So get on with your life. They are getting on with theirs. And don't call them. Let them call you, if indeed they will. And if they don't, well, you know. So, carry on. Stay strong. Live well.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
cdnreader Jul 2022
Thank you Caring. I am trying to do better.:-)
(1)
Report
CDN,
You can send yourself a beautiful thank you card for giving care to your Dad.
Get elaborate, set it on your mantle, sign it anonymous?

Dad would have wanted you to be thanked!

Next time you are standing in the bathroom facing the mirror.
Turn around, give yourself a thank you hug, look over your shoulder to see yourself getting that hug!

Buy yourself some flowers, once a month until you feel more appreciated.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
cdnreader Jul 2022
Hi Send, Thank you so much, my friend. (((hugs))) Deeply appreciate all your caring words.
(2)
Report
I'm sorry you feel this way after all these years. I'm sorry they don't show you respect, care or consideration that you would like. If you are expecting that they would just be drooling all over you because of your selfless acts, I'm sorry to say that life does not work that way.

Did you get a bigger percentage of the inheritances because of your selflessness? Did you get anything material from the deaths that was coveted by others? If so, then yes, you are going to have to live with the estrangement and indifference unless you are willing to give up whatever it is that they are asking for, however, there are no guarantees.

However, I don't know the full story. I don't know the personalities of the people involved. I am not a professional therapist.

My suggestion to be to go to a therapist and have them help you navigate these waters. 6 years is a long time. Its time to decide what to keep, what to let go and carve a future that you can be proud of.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
cdnreader Jul 2022
Thank you for your reply. You're so right. I do have to figure out my own future. It's up to me.
(0)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter