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I can so understand your situation. My father has the memory ability of a five year- old. And the question you pose is a good one, but let me ask: What would the truth serve? I have told my father the facts, and minutes later, the same question is repeated. I have learned to distract the conversation topic. I feel bad for doing it, but under the circumstances, telling the truth only makes you feel relieved for a moment but for him, if one nugget gets stuck in the head, it opens up a new can of worms. So, to tell the truth or prevent a ongoing crisis, spiral of repeating fear/concern/disappointment/depression etc... Don't beat yourself up for letting him have a gentler existence. It's like with a kid, we don't tell them the horrors of war, Ebola, or gang violence, we know it can cause nightmares. While we wait to let them (children) mature and handle the truth, we can't do that on the flip side of dementia or Alzheimer's.
This is one area where becoming the parent and filtering the negative is to be applied. Hope this helps. Best of luck to you.
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It would not help to tell your father the truth, just upset him. The term that is often used is "therapeutic lying"--that is, not telling the truth in order to help the person. Many, perhaps most, people with different forms of dementia want to go "home." But to them, "home" is where they were brought up, where they felt secure, where they were before dementia came upon them.

Distraction often works. Outright disagreement with someone with dementia is seldom helpful, so you need to strike a tricky balance. Don't promise the possibility of going "home" if that is not possible. Distract him as much as possible. Don't contradict him, and try to help him settle in his new environment.
Sorry, but as numerous respondents have said, there is no easy answer.
Love and prayers.
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I HATE being lied to - and I am sure that many patients with dementia feel the same way. Just because they are "ill" does not give us the right to lie to them and give them "false hope."

Every time I visited my elderly, confused father, I talked up the "benefits" of where he currently resided, how he could get coffee 24/7 and snacks from the coffee station, how somebody else was doing the cooking and cleaning, etc. I would remind him that he had several strokes (which was true) and how it was no longer safe for him to live alone in his house, how the house had become a booby trap for his shuffling gait, etc.

In other words - I never came out directly and told him that he was never going home. But I did "talk up the benefits" of his new existence and pointed out the drawbacks of his old existence.

Once he began to make the association of the house as an "unsafe" place and the ALF/NH as a "more safe" place, he talked less about his life at the old house and seemed to accept his new residence.
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Nancynurse Jul 2019
You are very fortunate that the distraction and redirect technique worked with your father. Not so with my mother. She would not accept that there was any change in her ability to do things. In her mind she is still a young mother and farmer's wife. I admit I used to try to reason with her about how beautiful the place is that she lives and how much nicer than her house was.  This only upset her more that I was insinuating that her house wasn't good enough and what made me think she isn't able to cook and care for herself. I hate to my very core lying to her but if it saves her from suffering the grief of losing my father and all her siblings, parents and child I will do it to my grave.
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I would tell him in a small amount at a time. He needs to know the truth. It's the hardest thing you'll ever have to tell him. Prepare before you talk to him with positive things this will bring.
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mmcmahon12000 Jul 2019
I wouldn't. It can result in the patient becoming so stressed that they can hurt themselves or others...or both. Upsetting an Alzheimer's patient does nothing for their quality of life. If anything, it just makes things worse for them in the short term.
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LaceysTerror, I'm sorry you are going through this. I ran the gamut for many years with mom's dementia, falls, in/out of hospital, rehab, etc. She passed 4 months ago after 3 weeks in Hospice. She was in and out of it toward the end. I recall she woke up a few days before she passed and asked me when we could go for a walk. She had been totally bedridden for some time. My heart broke as I struggled to answer. Then, I looked her in the eyes and answered, 'soon, Ma, soon.' She seemed ok and fell back to sleep. There are no easy ways.
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mmcmahon12000 Jul 2019
I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs.
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No problem! The therapeutic lie is one of the most essential tools you're going to have to use from now on. I feel bad having to use them every time I see my Mom. It always works but I do feel bad. All you can do is keep moving forward. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, you'll just have to get there one day at a time. Hugs.
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Country mouse response is so on the mark that I am repeating it in part:

You could drop the "you can come home if" half of what you're telling him. Stick to "do your PT and let's see." Or, "we'll just have to see how it goes." Or, "Rome wasn't built in a day." Or even "I just don't know, Dad. But meanwhile, let's do x, y, z and make the best of things, eh."

It isn't guilt, by the way, it's sadness. It's sad that your father needs this level of care, and sad that he can't himself grasp the situation, and sad that your mother and your sister and you don't see eye to eye altogether on what's best for him. But, so, - stop expecting yourself to get over it and stop "going in circles." You are having a normal response to a sad situation, it is *hard*. Be kind to yourself.

I'd add that 'telling the truth' is a value or behavior we are taught as children. It is intrinsically woven in the fiber of 'American values. However, this moral fiber of truth telling DOES NOT INCLUDE dealing with brain disease/cognitive decline. Communicating with a person inflicted with dementia is learning a new language, a new way to express that language. Some people with dementia only have HOPE. Don't take that away.

There are grey areas or speaking as a designer/artist, there are different shades, tones and tints to a hue; there is a spectrum of truth, and hope is a part of it. It is not a black and white situation and needs to be tactfully addressed. Taking hope away leaves stark blackness.
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I understand what you’re dealing with. My dad is in the same predicament. He has been in the memory care facility now for two weeks. I told him he can’t come home until he gets better. If you know deep down in your heart that he isn’t leaving, you may want to tell him. Try to make his stay as pleasurable as you can. It will continue to eat at you if you keep giving him home to leave and he never will.
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My hubby is a young 72 but living with Parkinson's and related dementia. He is home with me as his main caregiver, and two hired wonderful ladies, all sharing his daily care. He still asks to go home. He does not know from day to day who is taking care of him and where he is. I just reassure him that he is fine, he will be looked after well and not left alone. Then I change the subject, usually to let's have a snack or exercise (stand, stretch, reach, walk in place, etc.) and he moves on. Not fibbing, they mostly just want to feel secure and not alone. Good luck.
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My friend told her dad when he asked to go home “This is your home.” Seemed to work. Another when he was admitted (he had been in respite care w no visits) for good told him that you’ll be here & now I can visit you.
what ever you tell them if like my hubby only remembers for 5 seconds. I also suggest doing jigsaw puzzles w him. Maybe only 29 or 75 large children’s puzzles. Praise him for each piece he does. We also did simple dot to dot w large numbers. Praise them as much as you can cause remember 5 second memory.
My hubby passed suddenly after 12 yrs of ALZ & 3 mons. In memory care.. My heart goes out to all as it is a horrible puzzling disease.
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Laceysterror Jul 2019
thank you so much for your suggestions! I had never thought about jigsaw puzzles, what a great idea!

I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband, I hope you've found peace.
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