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We didn't get along great growing up and I feel like she is mostly mean and accusing of me. She calls my daughter and talks bad about me, now my daughter takes her side and isn't talking to me. She tells my brother and anyone who will listen everything is my fault. I moved in with her to help but she says I am trying to take over when I am only trying to help her. Do people with Dementia know to pick on only who they want to?

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I agree with other posters that she feels "safe" to do that with you, you won't stop loving her no matter what. My mom did this for a period and it was AWFUL; here I was, the only sibling of 4 doing EVERYTHING for her, and no pictures of me up in her room, my cards not placed on her desk, sibling received birthday cards, I never did...yet I was/am doing everything. I'm sorry you are going through this and all I can say is now that my mom is non-communicative, I'd go back to those days she was at least recognizing me and saying ANYTHING she wanted to me. The silence is deafening. Hugs. It will pass.
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I think the reason why some people get mad at their caregivers is because they feel a loss of independence. I recently heard somewhere that there's only two kinds of people in the world:

Those who want to be left alone
Those who won't leave you alone

It sounds to me like your mom wants to be left alone, and because you're the other kind of person who won't leave her alone, she gets mean and hateful. It sounds to me like this is pretty typical among elderly and their caregivers. If the person needs care, then they need it and there's nothing they can do about it if they're just not able to take care of themselves (and they're not incompetent). When you've left home as a young adult and lived on your own for long enough, you become so accustomed to it you just don't want it no other way because living on your own means independence. Sometimes when you get old you may get to the point where you could no longer live on your own whereas others can. When you really enjoy your independence, you may very well resent anyone who comes along to help because you know you're losing your independence by accepting help. Let's say you're incompetent and decline help, but your choice is overridden by a persistent person who becomes your caregiver. Of course the patient becomes mean and hateful because they already know they don't want help but in their minds it's being forced on them when they want to be left alone. If you put yourself in the patient's shoes, I think you could clearly understand the patient's view. It's pretty sad when someone loses the ability to take care of themselves, and to even live on their own. This is why it's such a hard decision to make when you know this is not what they would want but they need it. This is why all you can say is if they need it, they need it though some may become mean and hateful after losing their independence. The more that's taken from some of these people, the angrier they'll off then become, depending on how good of stuff they had, including the home they may have owned. When you own your home, of course you won't want to leave it because you probably have a mortgage, or maybe you paid it off. If you still like that home by time you pay it off, you're not likely to want to leave it. Those who own their homes into old age seems to be the ones who take the hardest hit since it's their lives that are being changed. After all, it is the patient having to face that change. Put yourself in their shoes and you'll see what I mean, see it from their viewpoint and you'll know why some patients become mean and hateful. Sometimes the hatefulness can also be a front to protect themselves when they know they're going downhill because they don't want no one else knowing they are secretly declining. Sometimes people who are secretly declining but still live at home may put on this angry front in order to keep anyone from taking advantage of them because so often predatory people do take advantage of declining people. There could be any number of reasons why older people become mean and hateful, but at least what I have to say will at very least give you some idea into some of the reasons why this happens
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Continued : take your bath, etc." Point being the caregiver gets the worst treatment from the elder.
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I was the proverbial "chopped liver." And why? Because I was mom's caregiver, the nadir who said "now take your meds,
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Why would you be mad at someone who has a mental illness? Be mad at the illness not her. When you tell your brother anything then he will interfer. Stop complaining or venting to him. Find others you can talk too. If not then pray more.
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Who will be there to help YOU if your daughter isn't there? It may be time for you to have other help come in so YOU can go out. The folks advice is wise and they have been there, done that. What if YOU weren't there? Who would step up then? Make a plan and that all siblings need to help. If not weekly, at least 1 day a week each depending on how many siblings you have. Call a conference and have all be there for it. Meet at a restaurant so if the conversation gets heated there won't be any yelling. Also, maybe contact your church for help. Bless you for what you do.
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Try this again.....sorry! Take 2! Call your daughter and make sure she is with you during the surgery and continue to try to keep your life going as normal as possible. It's ok to UNPLUG and take a break from all of this even if it's little short breaks. Make sure you take care of yourself so you can be there for your mom when needed. I hope your surgery goes well! Try to ignore the outside chatter also.
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Call your daughter is with you during the surgery and continue to try to keep your life going as normal as possible. It's ok to UNPLUG and take a break from all of this even if it's little short breaks. Make sure you take care of yourself so you can be there for your mom when needed. I hope your surgery goes well! Try to ignore the outside chatter also.
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Dear Petsilove, My mom died last year of Alz. I was one of her caregivers and for the most part she hated me. Until she got so bad that she couldn't talk or move. I was never her favorite child, and even though I helped her for the last 7 years of her life she didn't like me. Once she forgot who I was it all changed...I was just the lady who came to help her. This may not help you but please know this is all part of an absolutely horrible disease. They really don't hate you...it's just the disease. The person you loved is gone but the disease remains. Blessings to you, Lindaz.
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Yes Petslove...if your brother is shutting you down..making it seem you're the problem..then he doesnt have to fell obligated to help you...or feel guilty that he's not helping ..I know..my brother does the same to me...it HURTS! Hugs!
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The other thing to do is cultivate friends outside the family - practical support that can be mutual, and just perspective. Think of it as immunization to gaslighting, which is what brother is doing to you and sis. He does not want to believe anything is wrong with Mom - who does - and therefore has no qualms about trying to make you and anyone else believe you are the problem. From your story your are most certainly NOT.
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Dear Petslove....your mom is my moms twin...denys hurtful things...and yes..I think there is something mentally wrong with them..it's abusive to you...and your brothers actions...listening at first...then deserting you..even sabotaging you having the support of your daughter when you need her by your side..that's abuse too! I pray your daughter is able to be there in time to help you....I can't believe how our families desert us at this difficult time...and from what I read here....it's happening a lot ....it is heartbreaking....I have no words...I say you're an angel Petslove ....
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Petislove. No, your "normal" has changed and will continue to change. Please see about getting some assistance for you. Hospitals have social workers. Ask to speak to one when you go for your surgery. Before my Mom's dx of Dementia I worked in mental health. My professional background, education and experience help me get through this labyrinth of craziness. It's not a day-by-day situation, but a moment-by-moment neverending climb. Ask for help. Please.
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I wish all the best on your surgery!
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So sorry your going through this. I feel for you. I never know what im walking into when I go to my moms house. Your daughter should still come for your surgery no matter what. What's it your brothers business calling your daughter and telling her anything. He's not dealing with your mom. ARGH! Your right lay low on the bad days. I call it her dark place. Your brother doesn't like it fine let him live with her.
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Petislove, Call your daughter yourself and tell her that you WANT and NEED her to come when you have your surgery. Please don't let your brother prevent her from coming to help you.
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My new question is "will I ever be able to come out of this nightmare without being so damaged that I will ever lead a normal life"?
Since I started this post my life is in knots and I just wonder when the nervous breakdown will come. For a week my mother made some really hurtful comments, one day told me it was better for the household if I left another day I was not welcome in her home any longer. I was about to move out last weekend but all I could think about was what would happen to her if I left. Her home needs complete renovations and any money would probably not last long. I don"t think she has the money to get her in a good Catholic Assisted Living, and I really want this time with her. I have been including my brother in on the memory and loss of time issues, and forgetting who other family members are at times. I had been calling him telling him the hurtful things she says and his response is "she's mental, "she's Bi-polar and now "i am the problem and he is sick of hearing about it from both her and I ". My daughter was going to come for my surgery Thursday (i have a kidney mass and they don't know if it's cancer yet). My brother called her and told her not to come because of what was going on here. My mother and I sat and talked one night when she was in a different frame of mind and she didn't remember anything she said to me. I'm now realizing to relish her good days and lay low on the bad ones. So, now my daughter is not even coming for my surgery because my brother must have given her the impression that i am filling my mothers head with a bunch of crap. I'm am beyond hurt that they would do this to me. Every time I think it can't get any worse, it does! Is there anyway I will come out of this without being so damaged that I will ever lead a normal life again?
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Went to my mom yesterday. I was there Friday no problem, nice etc. Asked me to get her vitamins did that. Wanted to go to the bank on Monday, sure no problem. Left work early last minute notice. Got there and she was in her dark place. Screaming for me to get out, hitting me and blaming me I stole the bills, a colander for her pasta. Called me every name in the Italian book. She's 99 can't hear so it's very hard to tell her or make her understand. She's always been this way. Anything wrong or missing is always my fault. I always go back. She's very frail and falling. But, clean, eats well. I'm 59 and still dealing with this. Siblings conveniently moved far away some time ago. Sigh.
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I told my mom today..maybe you should move into an apartment closer to (my brother)..since you trust his decisions more than mine..think he's so much smarter than I am...She said "I never said that". I told her not in words...I said in in a calm voice..told her that doesn't offend me...(no it only made my heart bleed...til I cried it out of my heart). Here is the thing...he lets me do all the running..doctors office runs...and there's a lot of those...she talks kindly to him...here we pouty faces..and negativity...I'm just venting...we went to look at a beautiful apartment for her today...and she said too far to walk in with groceries...I told her she wouldn't have to carry them anyway...ok...done venting...feel better...hugs and prayers to each and everyone of you! I do find..after much prayer and shed tears..I feel more kindness toward her....that's only with God's help...I ask Him before I get out of bed every morning to let me walk through the day...with His strength and wisedom...it makes a huge differience!
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After reading all of the above comments, I'd suggest that the un-involved family take a turn at helping mom while YOU take a well needed break. No matter if they are "busy" or work, they need to step up. Have a pizza party and explain the situation and have a plan in mind as to how the other relatives can help. If you're doing it all, they are all comfortable with that situation and an occasional visit. Please take time out for your self and know that it's important to care for the caretaker. Bless you and hang tough.
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Hi SheriJean,
I can totally identify with you and some of the hurting ones here. My mum went to stay with my sister when her first child was born and she diligently look after her 3 boys . I had a wonderful helper to look after my own but would sometimes asked for mum's help if my 3 were sick at the same time but she would always turn down my requests as she needed to look after my sister's kids. Nonetheless, my sister would always send her back to me , whenever mum was sick , and would bring mum back to her home , asa mum was able to help with her kids. I remembered once I was in tears, sitting in the hall, wondering why my mum turned down my request for help, and the Lord spoke " I will always be with you , I am not like your mum" I was very stunned when these words, flashed over my mind but this revelation comforted me every time , without fail. When my mum had a stroke in 2009 and became bedridden , true to my sister's character , mum was sent back to me , and my sister refused to take mum back since . I have been taking of mum , since that date . I was bitter towards my sister for a few years , for forsaking a mum who had been so dedicated to looking after her wellbeing . However I learnt these : 1) The Lord, will never forsake me and He will always be there for me , and for you too , so be comforted 2) We do what we can to take care of our parents , as that is the Lord's 5th commandments that we are to honour our parents , so that our days will be long. 3) forgive and move on , and just do what we can , and forget who is right and wrong, it is more for our own sanity for unforgiveness will eat into our soul and hollow us out eventually . Trust me , the feeling of feeling angry towards someone else and feeling we are being taken advantage of is worst for us . Learn to forgive and we will feel so light and happy and improve our overall well being . The bible is right .. forgive and forgive and forgive .

But , it is important that we are not being walked and stepped all over , as we strived to do our duty as daughters and care giver. I think you should list down all the happenings, talk to the doctor , research and ask around .. to see if such behaviour befits dementia. Document down as much as you can and later find a good opportunity to explain to your daughter or any one that had wrong idea about you with your research and information collected. It may help others close to you to understand the disease as well as what you are going through . Hugs and love from me.. You are all doing a wonderful job .. Keep it up but put a smile on your face. Jesus loves you , always .
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Part two

This is why parents must treat their kids very well or they'll pay the consequences later when their kids want nothing to do with them later, especially when the parents most need their kids. Notice how the tables turn. If parents mistreat their kids now, the kids won't be there when the parents most need them later. It's kind of like driving a wedge between them and their own kids, because abusive parents actually drive the kids away to the point the grown kids just can't be in the picture. Then when death comes, the grown kids are less likely to want to even host a funeral let alone be there.
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Glodeo, again, just don't go where you're not wanted. I know what you mean and I see where you're coming from, but you don't have to stick around where you're clearly being abused, plain and simple! I grew up around abusive alcoholic parents who treated others better than they did their own kids. Remember, I lost my only bio sister to the same abuse I barely survived 13 years of. I know exactly what you mean by having aging parents, but you can't be in the picture. In my specific case my safety depended on it, and it was also their own choice. Sometimes parents make bad decisions that not only affect them but others around them. People who make bad decisions aren't the only ones negatively affected by those decisions, so are the children and the rest of the family and even the friends. Before making a bad decision, we should all think before we act because we never know who we are affecting when making a bad decision because bad decisions stick with others for life. When coming from an abusive household, too many abuse survivors tend to wind up back in other abusive relationships. The reason why I didn't is determination to live and stay safe. I knew abuse was not something I was supposed to live my life experiencing. I knew there had to be more to life than I was getting. I didn't know what it was to be happy, free, have fun, and be truly loved and cherished. I also didn't know what it was to be trusted. There were many other things that were robbed from my life growing up. Somehow God has taken that mess and turned it around for my good through restorations that came over a period of years. I never had to be responsible for my abusers care, they reap what they sow. They wouldn't take care of me when I most needed it, so the tables turned in my favor and I was never held responsible. When you don't take care of your kids when they most need you, and especially if you don't protect them when they most need it, the tables will one day turn and your kids won't even be there when you most need them. This is just how it works, because if you don't have your adult kids with you when you most need them, chances are you probably won't have your grandkids there either. This is exactly the harvest my abusers sowed because they reaped exactly what they sowed. I know deep down that if I vowed my abusers would never see their grandkids from me, I knew I was able to make it good by keeping to my word. My simple strategy was just not having kids knowing my abusers could come after me for grandparent rights and probably win since my dad knew enough of the law to work the courts without actually having to be a lawyer. My abusive dad acted as a lawyer for my abusive mom in a specific case years ago against a Jane Doe at a farmers market in their area. Sadly, my abusers won that case. I knew how my abusive mom was and how she instigated trouble and then would turn around and strategically lie about it. Yes, you could almost call it white-collar crime. Some abusers are far more clever than others, and they can actually get away with a lot if I know how to do it. When someone like my abusive mom can kill a child and get just a slap on the wrist in the form of six months in jail only for her brother to put up his house for collateral and pay her bond getting her out in three months, that's an outrage. Situations like mine is just one among many other examples of why sometimes grown kids just can't be in the picture for their aging parents. This is why it's so important for parents to treat their kids very well when they're young, because it's going to be the kids who care for you when you're old. If you don't treat your kids well when you're young, they won't be there for you when you're old, and they won't likely want the grandkids there either. I saw this happen to some extent with my elderly friend who falsely accused his son of arson, and put a permanent restraining order against his own son. The grandson was actually able to sneak around to see his grandpa, but it was sad he only came around when he wanted money. When it came time for the eventual funeral, check this out:

The son who was falsely accused of arson would've had a nice funeral for his dad, but changed his mind and signed off on the direct cremation order, and the body was cremated. The preened was set up long ago, but I guess after the son found out about his dad also being bad toward others, this may have had something to do with why there was never a funeral or even a follow up obituary beyond the death notice. He probably figured no one would come to the funeral after being treated so badly, so I guess he made the best decision in our best interest and when I had with direct cremation. When you mistreat others in your life and make no effort for restoration and reconciliation, no one will want to remember you when you're gone because it's kind of like others are thinking "good riddance" but just don't have the guts to say it. This is why parents must trea
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Glodeo, It does hurt to be treated so badly by the one who should love you. So you are the granddaughter of an alcoholic. Even though the main problem now is dementia, I suggest that you spend a little time reading about or attending Al Anon. It can be a good place to learn how to set your boundaries with someone who is never going to change.

Do you think you could learn to accept her and love her just the way she is? The way a mother is supposed to love the two-year-old, mid-tantrum, not because they deserve your love, but because they need it so much. You will need to agree with her that everything sucks. Honestly, however much you do for her, she is still stuck in her aging, failing body, and ruled by her forgetful, hallucinating, frightened brain.

It's a lot to ask, to change yourself from the rejected, criticized child, into a powerful, compassionate caregiver with a tender heart and thick rhino skin. Many people can't do it because of their history. But when I can succeed in doing it, I feel full of love and capable, and I know it's all worth it.

"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."
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vstefans has it correct. You don't have to be with them or live with them to take care of them. You can honor them by seeing they have a roof over their heads. Assisted Living places have roofs. You can honor them by seeing they spend their money on food, clothing, etc. You don't have to do it yourself. If you have a partner, remember the bible's admonition, "That is why a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and they will be one flesh". Same goes for women. All the other advice is great too. I learned to tell my mother, you have talked about sad things for 10 minutes, let's talk about good things now. When I was on the phone, I would just say, "I have to go, love you mom." and hang up.
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You can HONOR your mother and your father by making sure their children are not turned into doormats, and keep as much of their sanity and self-respect as possible, while seeing that they are taken care of.
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Yeah but what happens when it is your Mother and you were taught to HONOR thy Mother and Father and do the best one can do for them and everyone. Seems it is called a guilt trip for sure. My Mom knows just what to do to push my buttons as she has been doing it for years. She was not taught to honor anyone....only child and spoiled by her Mother as her father was an alcoholic. So she has always had the poor me syndrome like her Mother did. I have always tried to get her to be positive but she dislikes me even more when I do that. She commences to go on the defense. It is kinda weird, she has been living with us in her apartment off the side of the house for 7 years and it almost feels like she is conniving just to tick me off. That hurts when you thought they loved you or at least they said they did. This was all before she got ALZ.
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As long as the elder is going to badmouth you, you may consider just walking out. What I would do in this particular situation that Kathy mentioned is as soon as I heard someone bad mouthing me in the other room is I personally would very quietly show up and stand very quietly nearby until someone notices. Imagine how red-faced the person will be who was bad mouthing you! Yep, what a way to embarrass a bad mouth! They tend to think you've been standing there listening all along when really you just showed up. Yep, embarrass them! If this person really wants dinner bad enough, they shouldn't be bad mouthing the very person feeding them. I personally would just walk out in such a case, I would never cook for such a person who was bad mouthing me. In fact if they hate me that bad, they don't need me as a caregiver. I'm one of those kind of people who just won't go where I'm unwanted. I learned that lesson long ago in another situation, and it just doesn't pay to stay around when you know someone is hateful behind your back or doesn't seem interested in spending any time with you or having a mutual healthy relationship. Learn to distance yourself, and if you can't, God will help you at the right time. I was also in a very toxic relationship and I know what it is to love people who don't love you back. You can only take so much as a human being and the more you love the person, the harder it is to break free. This is why the most caring people are often the most abused.

As for listening to this person on the phone, I'm sure it gets old and boring. What I would do if you choose to listen it's just pick up the phone and do one of two things:

As soon as she starts, lay the phone down and walk away. That way you don't have to listen to her as long as it's not on speakerphone.

Another thing you can do as soon as she starts is just quietly hang up. If you have caller ID, just don't answer when her name and number comes up. Sooner or later she'll get the hint you don't want to hear it.

You can try getting her some professional help, but I don't know how much good it will do. Don't pay for it, make her or her insurance pay for it. It may be that you'll be looking at putting her into a nursing home or some other place where she can get needed help.
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My husband does the same to be. Stroke related dementia.He is selfish and demanding and unappreciative. I've lost count how many times he's asked for a divorce. He's nice to everyone else. no one believe me when I tell them how his behavior is with me. I know how difficult it is. Your not alone. Do the best you can & don't let others get you down.
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I spent an entire morning...just crying..had been holding in some many feelings..anger..hurt..loss..you name it....it was a release...so it's okay to grieve the loss ..just don't live there..or you will lose yourself....mom resents me so much...and adores..worships my brother...who never lifted a finger to help..all I hear is blah blah about how wonderful he is...it gets old...most times she's nice..but when I do something to help her ..she treats me like a stupid idiot..gets that sharp tone..a crazy look in her eyes...shakes her finger at me...I see red...lol...I MUST learn to disengage and walk away...I'm numbing myself up...thinking of her as a person who lives with me..not my mom...hurts less that way..I am an orphan...but I have a lot of people that really love me...support me...believe me...I thank the wonderful people on this site...it has been my sanity
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