My father went into care just over 3 months ago. His dementia got to the point where he was not safe at home and where my mom could no longer be his primary caregiver. Since then, I've tried to visit with my kids on a regular basis, bringing our toddler one day and brining my two older kids a couple days after. I made a promise to myself when he went into care that I wouldn't be that daughter who did not visit, and that I would ensure he still felt like part of the family.
But each visit all he talks about his coming home. He demands to come home. He threatens to just walk out (he's been deemed a flight risk). He doesn't understand why he is there and, in his mind, he doesn't have dementia and he is fit as a horse. He becomes more and more agitated. I try to divert the topic and talk about something else, but it never works.
My dad doesn't even remember where home is right now, just that he wants to come home.
It doesn't help that he thinks the staff are all spies and that the government put him in the care home because... reasons? I don't know.
I'm debating cutting down the visits to once a month, but I am scared that will further contribute to his mental decline and I feel so guilty at the thought of breaking my promise to myself. I love my father and it breaks my heart to see him struggle and to see his mental health decline so rapidly.
I guess I am looking for validation and maybe a way to make the visits a little less emotionally draining.
The visits are becoming emotionally draining.
Confession; I hate every. Single. Visit. With my mother. But there is no one else family or friend to oversee her care. Timing visits before lunch helps, in her case now I feed her lunch because it’s something to do. I doubt you’ll feed your Dad lunch but going in before meals seems to work well. Keeps visits to a definitive start-stop timeline.
Oh and I utilize car crying, car yelling, and for better or worse usually visit a bakery after I see my mother. You gotta do what you can to get through these times.
Huge hug to you!
Madisoncuckoo
7/30/23
Their brains aren't functioning as they did, but yours still functions the way it always did. You think dad wants to see your kids; maybe it will cheer him up. He's probably not interested in them now. They aren't his world. He cannot remember much about them, probably. It's sad but unchangeable.
From your kids' point of view, they might rather not be subjected to this real-life horror show and perhaps don't want to hurt your feelings by saying they don't want to see him. Also, dementia patients need regularity, routine, and schedules. It's discombobulating for them when they must try to figure out who all the visitors are and why they're there (in addition to struggling to keep track of everything else minute by minute with a memory that can't do that). This creates agitation. No wonder they get angry.
Mental decline will happen at its own speed as his brain function continues to deteriorate. Trying to remind him of familiar faces or getting him to play bingo has no bearing on whether he loses brain cells. Amyloid plaque controls that. Whether you're there makes no difference in halting the disease. It can't.
When you made that promise to yourself, you didn't know as much as you know now. You thought it would be a good thing for him to feel like part of a family. I hope you're seeing that it wasn't a good promise to begin with. Instead, promise yourself that you will govern your actions by who he is now rather than your need to cling to what no longer is.
It's dismal, isn't it? I'm so very sorry you're facing this, and I hope you'll learn to go easier on yourself.
An appropriate dose of mood stabilizer combined with a focused behavioral plan can work wonders.
Also ask his caregivers how he behaves in their care. If he’s better than when you visit, you can feel totally comfortable doing 5 minutes, giving him a hug and kiss, cheerfully saying “Gotta go now, Dad. LOVE YOU!”, and WALKING OUT.
You will have met your obligation, he will have had a visit, and you will have spared yourself the suffering.
My adorable, petite, immaculately dressed LO was SUCH an escape risk that her photo was posted in the entryway of her LOVELY MC residence like a WANTED poster.
This May never get any easier - it didn’t for me- but as carefully chosen medications and staff support helped her settle in, she grew to love her helpers and grudgingly enjoy her (my hotel!) surroundings, and our visits became much more pleasant.
Although it seems like a long time to you, three months may not be nearly as much time it will take for your dad to adjust to this life. My LO needed about 6 months.
Consider yourself TOTALLY VALIDATED! The more you love (and miss) them, the harder the process can be.
Fact is, you’re doing fine.
Even in the best of places if they don't see family around, don't expect the same service.
I know it's hard but show up. Put yourself in his shoes. Suppose you were there all day and no one checked on you.
Every place is short-staffed, overwork and underpaid. I wouldn't be so trusting to put your loved one's safety. I think once a month is not enough. Perhaps shorter stays but never let them know when you are coming.
I'm just being upfront, but it's your father and they need to be protected. One month is too long.
I am not a dementia professional, but based on my years of experience in a "care center," courses I've taken, and readings: People with dementias are still "there." Their mental capacities and processing become impaired, but they still have souls. The threads between memories break down. Some memories are lost - generally from present (very short term, then short term, then mid-term . . . ). I agree with someone who said try visiting without the kids. That can just be too much to process, and memories of them may no longer be easily accessible, if at all. If you cut back on visits, expect your father to eventually forget who YOU are. Familiarity is very, very important for their well-being.
I strongly urge you to contact the Alzheimer's Association hotline (800.272.3900) and talk with a counselor who can provide guidance and helpful information on engaging with your father.
Just my 2 cents. I know the situation is difficult.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CrZXz10FcVM&ab_channel=memorybridge
Is he on any medication to help with the anxiety and the paranoia?
I disagree with a couple of comments that he "knows" that if he behaves badly he will get kicked out.
I think / hope that with proper medication the can be more comfortable and not have the anxiety that he is having.
How often does mom visit?
Does he try to get mom to take him home?
Is he involved with activities and otherwise seem settled when you are not there?
Ask the staff if he has the same agitation when you are not there. If he is more settled when he does not have visitors then visiting less often until he is settled (It may take a few more months as well as medication for that to happen)
And when you do visit time the visit around lunch and either leave as he is going to lunch or have lunch with him. (another activity that may take his mind off leaving)
Yes, limit the visits if it helps but he needs to be checked on to ensure his care is what was promised.
Maybe on the next visit bring his favorite lunch or treats to distract him from the focus of going home. He probably misses his wife. I hope she sees him often.
I stopped taking our beloved dog for visits after my husband ceased to acknowledge her presence during her visit. I encouraged my son and daughter to forgo taking my ten-year-old granddaughter for visits because I vividly remember dreading my mother forcing me to visit my 100-year-old great grandfather. The last time my mom took me to visit him, I locked the car doors with me in the car after mom got out. I was 11 years old and completely terrified. No amount of explaining helped me overcome the sheer terror of those visits.
Be easy on yourself and do what is best for you. Hugs.
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