I know it’s said that a narcissist doesn’t love ANYONE but themselves. Though I’ve been with my husband for over 10 years mentally physically emotionally he has taken everything from me. He has beaten me down so bad mentally I rarely ever if at all leave my house I have not a single friend no family nobody and NOTHING period. As I’m quite aware I know he does not love me nor does he love his first born child however his second son he will do backflips LITERALLY. The son (A GROWN MAN) threatens he will move out if he doesn’t get his way…REGARDLESS the consequences regardless wtf it’s going to do to me OR ANYONE ELSE for that matter…HE WILL GET IT DONE! So long story short …there is no question about it…he absolutely IS A NARCISSIST!!! Is it possible that maybe a narcissist can maybe love 1 person…but only 1…maybe?… there has to be some kind of explanation because i know he loves him but he’s the only 1. He doesn’t care if he gets divorced if he loses our home,all our assets, he will risk it all to make sure that 1 son stay right under his a**. His first born that he’s never done anything for…needed a place to live despite never being there for him he made excuses and placed the blame on me (stating I would be mad) TO KEEP THAT SON AWAY/keep him from moving in and that son would have paid rent lol. The 2nd son never has and never will have to. I’m trying to figure out how I move forward what I do to get out of this and I feel like right now understanding it all is what I need. I appreciate any and all advice/comments any questions ask I’m an open book. Thanks in advance for any assistance at ask you may be able to provide
I am sorry that you are going through this situation. Sounds awful.
I suggest making an appointment with a therapist to sort out your emotions regarding your situation.
A good therapist will help guide you through this.
If you stay, you will need coping strategies. Otherwise, make a plan to leave all of this behind and live your life in peace.
A Narcissist through and through, she disliked everyone she met. Really? At the end, she left 2 sons (aged 74 and 72) who knew they weren't loved or wanted and a daughter (67) who was the one the sun rose and set in.
The 'boys' at least have each other. They've come to some measure of peace, I guess, about their mom.
You can't change anybody--except yourself. My MIL is gone, but her nastiness will still rear it's ugly head when one of the boys says something she'd say, or get angry--then you swear she'd was standing there. My DH snapped at me the other day--and I looked at him and said "OMGosh, it's like your mother's words just came barreling out of your mouth!"
I wouldn't concern myself with trying to figure out if this man is a narcissist or not. I call this the chicken and the egg syndrome; and supposedly, what came first. I say the chicken came first and then the chicken popped out the egg. Common sense, right? I used this analogy because Domestic Abuse came first along with all of the bells and whistles including the description of the abuser. Nobody cared about what psychological problems these people had, if they were abusing their spouses and children, they were labeled an abuser. Later, the buzzword narcissist came into play. I literally hate this word narcissist because people got confused and started calling everybody a narcissist. NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is an actual diagnosed disorder only a shrink can diagnose.
The problem with the internet, everybody is a expert.
Since we are not shrinks here on AG, I'll give you my two cents worth. Get in contact with a domestic abuse hotline and get information for starters. These people can plug you into all types of resources including lawyers. I am assuming that this man has access to all of the money in your accounts. Get counseling for domestic abuse. Domestic abusers have a way of brainwashing their victims that they are the most incompetent people around. Been there done that.
Next when you get a domestic abuse counselor, make a plan to get out. This is going to require concentration and hardwork. It is a known fact that domestic abuse victims usually leave seven times before actually making that final plunge. Please do not tell this man you are leaving. Many women have been killed in the process of trying to leave. Don't announce you are leaving. Just go. Keep a stash of cash in a safe place, extra set of car keys, credit cards that you are paying for and important papers. Move out slowly. Give yourself a time frame how long you want your transition to be. If you want to go to a shelter, then do so. However, keep in mind that you must play it safe. Get yourself a second phone ( a burner) keep this hidden. This is for you to do your emergency calls. Do all your business on this phone.
Most victims talk entirely too much. Erase your internet history. And for goodness sakes, don't tell your business to this man when he is in a good mood. Abusers go through mean and sweet cycles called intermittent reinforcement. They can appear nice just to throw you off your game.
As for his sons, they are not your kids so don't concern yourself with them. Your health and safety comes first.
Nikki - who CARES whether or not a narcissist can ever love someone?
A MUCH more important question is how are you going to learn how to LOVE YOURSELF enough to realize you are worth so much more than to allow this a-hole you are married to treat you in such a way????
You say here in your post that you've been with your husband for ten years and in that time he physically, mentally, and emotionally took everything from you.
You claim that he's beaten you down so badly mentally that you rarely leave the house and you have no friends.
His nasty and abusive behavior towards you is not the reason why you don't leave the house and have no friends. That's on you.
You say you're to figure out how to move forward and how to get out of your situation but right now all you need is understanding.
No, that's not all you need.
You want to figure out how to get out from under the abusive marriage and situation you live in? I'm going to tell you how.
1) Talk to a divorce attorney. If you are legally married (not living together i.e. shacking up), to your husband unless you had a pre-nuptual agreement when you married, HALF of everything he has is yours by rights if you pursue it. I think it's safe to assume that you don't work so he provides for you financially. He will have to pay you alimoney if you divorce.
2) Get a job. When you have your own income that your husband isn't the source of, it will give you more choices on how you will live your life. It will also give you self-confidence.
3) Go to counseling. A good therapist will help you learn how to be truly honest with yourself and how to prioritize yourself and your needs in healthy ways. Being a martyr and wallowing in self-pity never helped anyone to live a good and productive life. You won't be the first.
These things I have told you may be hard to hear and even sound a bit harsh. I say them in the true spirit of friendship though. I actually care about people living in abusive caregiving situations because I've been there myself. You need some tough love and someone to be honest with you.
See a divorce lawyer for the first step - arrange a consultation - you should receive half of the assets in a settlement - keep all of your plans private and do not share any information with your husband in advance. Once you're on your own, a new life will open up for you - start looking forward to a new future. Wishing you all the very best ~
- and STOP trying to figure out your narcissistic husband - he's the one who is SERIOUSLY NOT WORTH IT!
Why are you wasting time diagnosing someone who doesn't give a fig what you think?
You describe a life of misery for 10 years.
You are a grownup and you are responsible for your own decisions, and you have made a decision to stay with an abusive man.
You know he will not change. So the question is "Why are you there".
How do you move forward?
Probably by moving OUT.
But this will take enormous courage, for as you say, you have stayed 10 years and allowed yourself to be beaten down flat.
I would leave. I would go to a shelter, but that would be AFTER getting every single penny out of joint accounts that I could get and placing it in my own name in a single account at a secret bank.
If I were afraid for life and limb I would go to a shelter that would keep my name private.
I would go then to a cognitive therapist for options, pointers to help, and a path forward, slow tho it may be with minimum pay jobs. I would see an attorney as well. The shelter may give you some who will work with you. File for separations and a stay-away order if needed.
Sorry. There are decisions here that you must make for yourself.
All the marinating in what your husband is and what he does every day is useless and of no value and cannot ever help you. Your sons are grown. Time now to take responsibility for the rest of your life.
As to the question of whether your husband is capable of love? Love is really a nebulous definition of some undefinable thought process. If you really want to waste a whole lot more time in that household why not define "love".
You are currently on an elder care forum. Why? This isn't about elder care. Facebook is full of support groups for abused women. That's where you need to go for support.
As to hubby? Who he is and what he is and whether or not he is a Narcissist -- who cares. Leave him in your dust. You must make a life and as you do those small but amazingly tough steps to move forward you will develop slowly a massive respect for yourself and the powers you never knew you had.
See a divorce attorney, which will help you find options. You’ll feel better as soon as you can move forward without these people.
So I will say again....for the love of God get yourself out of that dysfunctional and toxic environment.
I know that your sick husband has beaten you down in hopes that you'll continue to keep taking his s**t, but you my dear are much stronger than you know and you will have the last laugh here.
Start today by calling a divorce attorney and start packing your bags. The sooner you get out of there the better.
Your husband has manipulated his favorite son, because he must be the weaker of the 2 and is much more easily manipulated. I don't think this has anything to do with him "loving" this son more but again because he's much more easily manipulated.
And I also don't believe that narcissists even love themselves as they are all miserable people, and how can you be miserable if you truly love yourself?
So get your butt out of there sooner than later and let your husband and his son live happily ever after in their misery.
And whatever you do don't allow yourself to get involved with another man until you have done lots of therapy to make sure you don't fall into that toxic type of environment again and until you truly know and understand your true worth.
Reporting for removal