Does accepting the negative emotional abuse from caring for my parents, ever get easier to take???? I'm so thankful for this site to offer the support & relief that we sooooo need , usually on a daily basis, I find it hard to just let some of the comments and attitudes from dad roll right on off of me...as my older sister says that she has learned to do.You guys are a great help/relief site. Thank you for your help.
menohardy, I always respect what you have to say, especially because as a
dementia sufferer you can give us, the caregivers, valuable advice. But, I think you are being rather hard on libracat. If she feels emotionally devastated and crushed by her mother's verbal abuse does it really matter if she paid for the bathrooms to be remodeled in her daughters home? Also, does it really matter
that physical abuse was acceptable in "her era?" The fact that her daughter still suffers from the mental scars of that abuse definitely does matter and affects the way she interacts now with her mother. By the way, I don't think that Libracat actually meant she walked away and left her mother to be neglected. What I think she meant is that, at some point, the caregiver must walk away from an abusive
parent when the words coming out the parent's mouth are so painful that to stay
poisons the caregiver. I am only now learning to "walk away" when my mother starts her vile comments to me. I must save myself at some point and so should Libracat. By the way, with all due respect, I don't think Libracat is jealous of her mother.
2. why do you find your mother capable of arranging for her meals irritating?
3. who paid for the bathrooms to be re-done. If your mother cannot refrain from abusing your children arrangements must be made to guard them-protect them.
How does her meal arrangement effect you? Why are you the only one who sees a problem. Your husband and at least one of your children have taken your mothers side. Am I wrong? I am not wanting anyone-especially caregivers to think I am mean. I apologize for my accusation of libracat being jealous. Poor choice of words. Maybe if you would not say things like it is time to get out of dodge or instill fear by saying if Mom doesn't comply fully it is time to put her away I would have answered differently. A caregiver in my opinion must not put up with abuse. I have said this in many of my posts- my daughter says to remind you. Libracat. You have issues that will only get worse if you let them. And no Marciwriter you know I never intended to excuse her mothers abuse because that was the way it was done in the old days and you know this. I was making a point. If the mother was abusive to her she will be abusive to her grandchildren-so how could libracat trust her young children alone with her? I think with less than half a brain but most of society thinks with less than half a brain. My daughter calls my tantrums senior moments. We go to the tabvle with my nurse and my sister-I mean daughter once a week. I do not like baths because I am embarrassed and the water hurts my skin and I want a filter to soften the water and I cry and cry and get mad and want to scream because no one understands that baths hurt me physically and mentally but I know I have to have them unless they let me go live on an island like I want to but this is my dream not going to happen. That man who comes to visit my daughter is jealous of me and I hear him talking to her sometimes about putting me in a home-he thinks I am demented and crazy and does not like to look at me. My daughter tells me she will not leave me so I try to be good. I think if Libracats mother was talked to and explained to she might soften. I just do not understand why you would deny your momma her meals. Is it money? Is it taking something away from you? Help me to understand. If you were my care taker I would ask you why? Has she asked you why? Have you educated her that times have changed and we do not hit children for any reason? If she can arrange to have her meals delivered she should be able to understand that being mean and bad only gets you put somewhere you may not like. If you were so abused that you still carry the emotional scars you need to see a therapist to help you put it away so you can forgive and maybe see your momma as someone who needs your love. I am sorry if I hurt you. I wont post anymore if I hurt anyone. I only want to help patients and caregivers
"It is an action that will produce a bad result." At least, for many of us. We have already learned so much about the patient n caregiver relationship thru ur posts, as well, i believe that u have gained some knowledge for urself thru the very brave n courageous caregivers who have opened up their lives to u thru their posts. There is no right or wrong way to respond to anyone who posts here, but there is a kind n gentle way that i believe everybody deserves...a way that treats us all with mutual respect. We can learn so much from one another, n b a support to all who post here..that is wat this thread was designed to do. No 2 stories will ever b alike...but the similarities r wat we share. U bring to this forum,very valuable insight from the perspective of one who suffers from dementia....others bring valuable insight from the perspective of the caregiver...Both sides,equally exist, therefore, the reason we r all here. It is never easy to open up to ones personal struggles n tragic circumstances to complete n total strangers...but we still do...bcuz we NEED a place to go n vent to those who we feel will understand, without judgement or criticism. A place that we can all feel safe to express wat ever we r feeling. To leave this thread, Meno, would b a great loss to the many caregivers out there who can learn so much from the "patient." As for u, i believe it would b a great loss, bcuz u r able to better understand the feelings n emotions that so many caregivers go thru, including ur wonderful daughter.There is so much to b gained by u n others, if u continue to post....n there is an incredible loss that will exist, if u leave.. Please...i hope that u n ur daughter will reconsider..We need each other...God Bless,Meno...n ur courageous daughter..
I know a number of the posters on this page. Libracat has a mom who has a mental illness. Maybe she was wrong in leaving her children in the care of her mom when they were small, but she was much younger then and really wanted her mom's affection. That often happens to children who were abused; they have their own unique set of circumstances. Libracat and I have bantered back and forth over the issues between her and her mom, especially the meal issue. Much of what you dad said to her, I have said. Nevertheless, I know Libracat is really doing what she feels compelled to do. She truly believes that she is doing the best for her mom and her mom has lived with her for the past 4 years. Libracat is a good person, even if I don't agree with her. All of us who walk this earth have our own crosses to bear and we will do it our way until we find a better way.
Your dad is a moment in time to all of us. A window into a world that we can't understand. I have learned from him in the posts he made on this thread and others and I have responded to him with love and appreciation.
When he talks about his fear that another person, possibly jealous of your attention to him, might cause you to abandon him and send him away, I don't know if I can tell you how meaningful his words are. I don't know if he remembers that feeling the next day, but if the situation surfaces again, I'm sure his response would be the same. I'm not sure if he actually experienced that or if he was just empathizing, but it came from his heart.
Like others, I will say that Ladee is probably the one person on this entire site who has never said an unkind word to anyone. Granted, she needs to proofread, especially when speaking to your dad, but she is a dedicated and loving caretaker to many people who have dementia and she loves her patients with all her heart and soul. Your dad is telling her about the world her beloved patients live in and anything that can help her better understand and bring happiness into their lives is someone she wants to listen too.
I love your dad and I know Ladee and others do too. Can we start over? Can you help your dad set up his own thread. " I have dementia, I can't remember yesterday, but I can tell you what that is like? Or any title that you desire. Have your dad type in some of the things he has shared. The smiling face that he can't understand each morning when he looks in the mirror. I can't begin to tell you how much his experience and understanding of his experience means and will mean to all who read his posts.
Ask anyone responding to his question/discussion to carefully proofread their responses. It might be good if you reviewed them and asked for clarifications if you feel that is best. We all are dealing with stress and we all make mistakes.
I don't know if you or your dad are up for this, but I think his personal thread will last for years to come and give many people who are trying to do the right thing by their parents an opportunity to see into their world. Not only will the caregivers thank you both, but the parents will too.
Please let us know what your decision is and let your dad know that he is very loved and respected and cherished. You are too.
Love, Cattails
She has lived with us for 7 years and the last three have required much more care and have taken a big toll on both of us. The more I must do - the more she resents it. We know she is unhappy. We know she is in pain. We know she grieves the loss of her husband, many friends, her health, her independence. But the more we do the more she resents it.
The digs, the mean looks, the accusations, the insinuations - they have all taken their toll on me - as has the actual care - which SHE SAYS SHE DOES NOT NEED.
As a caregiver, I hit a wall about 2 years ago. I crashed and burned. I have never been the same since. I felt that I was going insane. I cried a lot. I started 'rethinking' care giving.
She had several health crises that taxed us both emotionally and physically. Now, years later, she denies the 24/7 care that I gave her. Denies she was ever bedridden. She just forgot. If she doesn't remember - it didn't happen. She tells everyone that the cares for herself. She believes it - so it's true.
What so many don't realize is that care givers do so much 'in the background' that enables their parent or family member to maintain a semblance of independence. I am her cleaning fairy. I am her errand fairy. I am her calendar. I am her social secretary. There is no way she would be able to keep track of her appointments and meds. Her delicious, nutritious meals 'appear out of the blue.' She tells everyone she cooks for herself - when all she does is warm up a cup of soup in the microwave. But this is her reality.
But, when all is said and done, I am just tired and worn out and we have decided to put her on the list for an apt. at a lovely Assisted Living Facility. Her other children - who rarely call or visit - were consulted and could NOT POSSIBLE take mom - as usual. We expected that. After all, if they couldn't give me a week or two of respite in 7 years - they certainly weren't doing more.
We saw her doctor yesterday who guided us through the ALF discussion and of course it was ALL MY FAULT according to my MIL. And some of it may be at this point. But not before my crash almost two years ago. But living with such an unhappy, negative person has done terrible things to me, to my life and to my health. I know she can't help it, and neither can I.
We visited the facility and was impressed. The residents there seem content - they were involved - they were joking with staff. It certainly wasn't a prison. When we mentioned the ALF just a minute before the doctor came in - My MIL got mad and told her son and I that we could just dump her there and forget her - she didn't want to see us again. We didn't need to bother with her anymore. I know she was just angry. But it still hurts.
We told her that wasn't fair - why does she still love her other two sons who NEVER CALL OR VISIT and have done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for her in years - but hates us - when we are only trying to help her?
When the doctor came in her demeanor instantly changed and she was sweet and amiable and agreeable Of course she told him she didn't need anyone to help her - she takes care of herself now. (I forgot to say that her helpful FAIRY at home is invisible).
I realize after visiting the ALF and talking with staff there that I could very well be part of my MIL"s trouble. I worry too much, I hover too much, I control too much and I do believe that once she settles in to her new routine she will feel a sense of FREEDOM she didn't feel with us. Without realizing it, we have contributed to her sadness instead of alleviating it.
I told her I wanted to go back to being her friend and daughter in law - not her care giver. Plain and Simple. I told her if she wanted me to visit her - I will be there. If not, I will respect her wishes. My husband will have to take care of anything she needs. She said she plans to spend ALL her time in her apt at the facility. I am sure she will change her mind.
The doctor gave her a simple cognitive test which she passed. What's funny is that if they asked her those same questions today, she wouldn't remember the answers. So, you see, no one really believes that she does forget. I forget things too. I think the difference is that I still joke about my memory and when the memory really becomes troublesome - it is no longer a joking matter and it makes a person angry and afraid. I realize this - but somewhere along the line - the frustration grows.
The last thing I want is to see is my MIL miserable. I prefer not to be miserable as I have been recently as well. My mother in law feels like we are throwing her away and that hurts. But I can't do what I have been doing any longer. We both deserve better.
She came home and went into her rooms and won't come out. She sneaked out and put a note on our kitchen counter saying she will fix her own breakfast, lunch and dinner. (she has a microwave and fridge and some foods on hand - but can't shop for herself.) Do we leave her in there to eat cold cereal, PB and J and Lean Cuisine or do we try to lure her out? It could be weeks before she is accepted at the ALF - depends on when an apt is available.
Is this Dementia or just 'acting out.' What do we do? How should we respond?
I realize this may have gotten 'off topic' and I am sorry.
I do not remember talking about why I hate showers and water that comes out of a pipe but I must answer oldcodger2. I spent some time looking at my older posts because sometimes I do not know if I said something or only thought I said something. I said that I will one day be lost in my own mind. I said that one day I will Nova and I meant that in two ways. To me Nova means my mind will catch fire and like a computer die. But my body will not burn. My body is my house. We do not take someone we love who's brain has caught fire and simply hate them. We can hate that it happened to them. Hate the disease. Hate the fact that the person who loves you and gave you birth has gone into Nova. I have said I know the time will come when I will go somewhere else to live. It is my hope today that my sis-my daughter will not forget me. That just as she loved her mother and puts flowers on her she will come visit me wherever I am dead or alive. Especially if I am alive becaues I know that parts of my mind will recognize her. Your mother is clever to suddenly wake up or behave the moment the Doctor comes near. She is in the neurotic phase of her affliction. This is the phase where her personality reacts against itself. It seems that our personalities reacts against our true character. A reaction against itself leaves the person who experiences it estranged; cut off, from himself in certain ways. He does not know what he feels or wants to do. He does not know what he feels, or sometimes he knows he has strong feelings or reactions but they seem strange to him, as in the case of phobias, mysteriously at odds with his judgement, attitudes or common sense. I wonder how long you have gone without a vacation? When was the last time you left your mother alone with a humane caregiver on a trial basis and spent two weeks without mom.? I am wondering how you can put up with her and keep you sanity. If I reacxh the stage that your mother is in I want to be taken to a home where I am treated well and I want you to come see me regularly because part of me still remembers parts of you. You must know that your mom might be at a stage where she does not see you as her baby. She may not even like you. Be her friend then. Momma is looking at oldcodger2 not her darling child. She loves the child that lives in you but you look nothing like her child anymore and you expect her to act like momma used to act but momma is ill. Her brain doesn't work right and that frustrates you. That might even anger you. Forgive me I re read your post and you are talking about your mother in law. My daughter just told me what MIL means and wants me to figure out alf but I don't want to. I need to read posts several times before I answer and I have made a note of it. your MIL is being childish. This should tell you she is hurt by your telling her you no longer want to be her caregiver but you want still to be her friend. She does not want a caregiver she wants a friend who pretends that everything is fine. I do not know if I am making sense to you or to anyone. Okay I read where your post says her other children rarely call and you have not had respite in 7 years! This is so wrong. You need to take it up with them and not take it out on her. I can tell you are fed up when you say you are her social planner, her secretary, her cook. Even if you were getting money or some other compensation you deserve time off from your MIL and she needs time off from you. Maybe her doctor should write you a prescription. Geriatric doctors love to go along with these kinds of interventions. He might say something like-gosh you look un-well (in front of your MIL) and you can say well I am needed by my dear MIL and the doctror can say to your MIL now dear, dont you think DIL needs to take some time off? What do you think? Should we give her a rest? Do you have any ideas where MIL could go for a few hours or days or weeks? I think you must love your MIL very much and i think you will miss her more than you know after she is placed somewhere else permanently.
You say she has passed her cognitive tests? Are her doctors giving you her scores or levels of dementia? What does she do around your home? Can she walk? Hold a conversation? What are her needs? I read she gives you mean looks, digs, insinuations. I also read she is in denial that she was bedridden. It is quite possible she does not remember/ I think you need to be recognized by the other family members. Maybe you are more angry with them? She came home and went into her rooms and wont come out. Of course her feelings are hurt. Especially since she has some independence. I do not think it is dementia I think she is being childish and wants you to coax her out, on her terms. Since she may have a few weeks before she goes into assistid living she wants to punish you. She is hoping you will give in. What are her physical problems and needs? I figured it out-Alternative Living Facility! And a year ago I almost went to one of these places but my daughter who was smarter than my other children loves me she found out and brought me home with conditions. I am level 5. but I do not argue with my doctors and especially my sister because no one can take her place so even when I want to get mad I find something else to do and this is one of them. She sits me down and I read and try to help and not hurt anyones feelings
I have many physical problems and I have a ritual I must perform every day and if I do not do it I cannot function on any level. I must draw a circle and put the word me in the middle. My doctor said that this is OCD and part of dementia. Some people with severe dementia need to find their ME place or they will get lost. This is how I explain it to myself and my doctors. Before I found this trick I used to be so afraid and I just rocked and moaned because I was inside a broken mirror and no one could find me. Help your mother in law find her me place. She is afraid of change and afraid of being lost and afraid she will be forgotten and she is unhappy/ Do you sing with her? Do you act like her friend and DIL or a caregiver. I have a caregiver who takes me places. She took me somewhere not this day-some other day and I cannot remember but I know I had fun because I just thought of her and smiled. I hope she comes back to ME soon but my sister is telling me not this day but soon. I never know what soon means but sometimes I like the word and sometimes I don't. How long is 7 years? I can remember 5. is the day I can say whatever I want and my doctor writes the words down. This is menos sister. Every friday. Meno cannot say the word friday he says 5 for friday. His therapist comes every friday and meno is asked to say whatever comes to mind. It is to penetrate the superficial, the purely rational and consciously recognized, and to gain or improve access to the essential subject matter of his therapy, the therapeutic material, the expressions or reflections of the underlying neurotic problems or conflicts. It is assumed that this material must be provided in this way by meno, that it requires his cooperation to this extent, and that it can be found in what he provides. It is understood that this material is likely to be disturbing or painful to meno, and menos refusal or inability to comply with these procedures-sometimes deliberate, in the more interesting instances not-is well recognized as resistance. Resistance indicates Ego in dementia patients. Thus far meno has demonstrated he has no detectable ego. The part of his brain where ego resides is shut off. He is in a state of Now perpetualy. I hope this can be worked back on topic. Please allow me to try. Meno as you know, mentioned how water hurts his skin. At first he was not taken seriously until he developed whelps and wheels covering his entire body. His PCP ordered a nurse to give him a bath using no soap and he presented with the whelps and wheels. She used a wash cloth she brought in a sterile bag, a sponge and a loofah-on three different occasions. Many elderly persons demented or not are adverse to bathing in water that has chlorine and other chemicals
He is capable of deep emotions. When I shower he thinks that because the water hurts him it hurts me and I will find him crying because he thinks I am or was in pain. He does this when I give my children baths. I have discovred that if I rinse him with distilled water he gets very happy. Just a foot note. Now I will return him back to his forum-sorry-I know it is off topic.
To answer your question oldcodger no I do not believe your MIL is exhibiting Dementia by behaving like a child. She is exhibiting all of the off shoots that go along with the disease. but not dementia itself. Look up dementia as it is defined. Find out what level of dementia she is in before you label her demented. A bit neurotic perhaps. How else can she fight back? I am looking at my friends picture.
I forgot about her until my sis-daughter turned me away so she could write something on this computer. My friend is very old. She is in the nursing home I will go to soon but not this day. I love her picture because she is an angel. I sit and talk to her on that day I go see her. She holds her doll in her lap and stares at it all day and she is smiling all day like me. She let me hold her baby and I got a gold star for being the only person she ever let hold her baby without her being bad when mean people try to take her baby away. Now she lets me hold her baby when I want to as long as I give her back when she asks and she says thank you isn't my baby adorable. Everyone clapped because she had not spoken to anyone except cuss words for a long long time but that scared her because she has no one but her baby to hold and they take it away when she is supposed to eat or take medicine. Why do they do that if they know it upsets her? So when she finishes cussing she then wil not eat. Oldcodger your MIL is acting the same way. She does not want to be in assisted living and she does not understand why you want her to leave. Why can't you do it a little at a time? If she can pass her cognitive test she can reason. I am a 5 on my dementia level but a 7 in some areas and a 1 in some areas and maybe a two in other areas. but my overall score is 5. I have a vivid recolection of my care dog. She was my whole life but one day I could not walk her anymore because it was cold and raining and I fell down so my sis-my daughter gave her away to a family someplace and then I had a stroke and my psychologist told my sist-my daughter she did a very bad thing to give my dog away because my dog was my friend and walking her gave me purpose and exercise and a will so what my daughter thought was a problem to me was what was keeping me alive or at least in better condition and I did not mind falling down because my dog let me pull myself up on her and she never let me get lost she just had to go to the bathroom and then hurried me back home. My sister was mean and I did not speak to her and I was bad and holered and rang my bell and that reminded me of a post someone asked how to help because their patient walked up very quietly behind her or him and she almost knocked her down. I wanted to write to the post and say do what I did with my children when they were toddlers-put little bells on their slippers and shoes. See-I can remember many things when they come to me. Caregivers if you see a patient as a problem use your mind to solve the problem. How hard is it to make a bracelet out of little tinkle bells. Do not lock your patient in-baby prof your home or their home. If your patient moans because they are in pain and the doctor says it is imaginary do not take that as Gospel-to the patient the pain is real and who cares if they are addicted to pain medicine if it is prescribed and given properly. If you suspect the doctor is just giving them medicine to shut them up take them to another doctor or an addiction specialist. Never ever try to detox them yourself. Ever. Shower watr hurts me-doctor says it is all in his mind-well they found out it was not in my mind it was the chlorine I was having an allergic reaction to and now my bedding doesn't make me itch anymore and my feet are not as swollen and my eyes are not swollen. Not this day but soon I am going to see a specialist who is going to try and make my face muscles relax. I am afraid but I trust my daughter and I believe a caregiver must win a patients trust above all else. I am not an idiot like some people think. My heart is full of love for everyone. Oldcodger I love you for being so good to your MIL for so long and she must ove you or she would be throwing a party. Someone like me who is so much worse off than your MIL and a stranger to you understands how important you are but I should not have to be the one teeling you this your MIL family should help you and give you the credit you deserve. All good care givers need more recognition for all the little things they do. I am thankful for your post because I will try to put sister in my circle from this day-she just hugged me and now she is crying so I must stop writing and give her a hug before I forget. Thank you oldcodger for helping me see a little better today.
Cattails
I do love my mother in law but I am so very tired. I am not patient with her like I should be. She deserves a better caregiver - one who does not resent being one. And I need a long break and this is the only way to get it.
The Assisted Living Facility where she will go is a lovely place. An acquaintance of ours lived there several years and said it was a good place to be. We also know one of the head nurses - she has worked there for 25 years. To me, that is a good sign.
Our friend was reluctant to go at first - but adjusted well and continued to have friends visit and live a full life for a long time. We hope my mother in law finds the same peace there.
I spoke with one of the ladies who lives there just yesterday. She was very sweet. I interrupted her bingo game - but she didn't seem to mind too much and I just needed to ask one of the residents if they were happy there. She said YES and smiled. She said of course she wanted to stay in her home - but that wasn't possible - but she was happy with her life there. She said everyone was good to her.
She later saw me again in the hallway (she had just come from their little ice cream shop on the premises) and she pulled me aside and whispered - "I want you to know your mom will be as happy as she allows herself to be here. If she takes part and is friendly - she will be ok.' She didn't realize it was my Mother in law. That's ok. I consider her my mom anyway. We are not throwing her away and if she will let me - I will visit her often and continue to take her out to lunch and for rides in the car and shopping. It is 15 miles from us and two of her grandsons live nearby. We will do our best to help her enjoy her life. She will NEVER be forgotten.
But, Meno - sometimes the caregiver breaks. I am broken. We are not perfect or superhuman - we get old and tired too. We don't want to - it just happens. Caring for my mother in law isn't the only thing we worry over in this life. Just living and making a living is also difficult and stressful.
I don't know for sure that she has dementia - from what you say she probably does not. It is some sort of memory loss issues though. She forgets a lot. Mostly what happened yesterday or last week. She remembers long ago and a minute ago. I just saw a note on her nurses sheet once that said 'beginning dementia' - that was a couple years ago. I think her personality changes have happened since she had a stroke. She is angrier and much less happy. She is more suspicious and more negative. She has no happy memories of people or places in her past. She remembers all sorts of unpleasant things about people - dead or alive.
If she can't find something she thinks I took it. That sort of thing. But she has been unhappy for along time.
Her other children just won't help. They live in other states - but even when she was more well they didn't have time for her. I have asked so many times. The worst part is when they promise and then break the promise. One of her sons has done that many times. The last time was just last week - he promised to visit on his way elsewhere and after she dressed up and waited all day - he called her to say he wasn't coming. He wanted us to tell mom and we said no, he needed to do that - so he finally called her after she had waited for him for 6 hours.
Once in a while my husband stays with her and I go away for a weekend and stay with a friend. But she resents it and wonders WHY I need to go away. After all, she is no trouble and she takes care of herself. She tells everyone in her pitiful voice that 'she does the best she can.' 'I try sooooo hard.' And I believe her - in her own mind she IS doing the best she can and she IS TRYING hard. But the situation is still unbearable for me.
This decision to stop being her care giver was a long time coming and hurts my heart. I am also sorry that reading about it hurts you, Meno. I realize that she cannot fathom my pain because hers is too great. Her other children 'perhaps' could have prevented it or postponed it if they had helped with her care more - but they have not and will not and it would be 'too little too late' now.
Even though she may no longer live in our home - we will still CARE and visit her often and do all we can to help her have as good a life as is possible. We know she cannot understand the WHY'S of this. She either cannot or will not understand. She could a couple years ago - but not now.
You have a loving, caring family and I am sure God is smiling down on all of you today. Thank you for taking the time for me today. I cannot believe how much love and care that is shared here.
Dementia is just, just so hard.. Your MIL does not understand it Science is trying but until they figure it our familys are ripped apart and the only real help are the caregivers who are truly CARE_givers not just bed pan changers-Or family members who spend all of mommas money or children and grandchildren who take their drugs. Caregivers are on the front lines and I think underappreciated and underpaid or under sompensated for all they have to put up with. Thank you oldcodger2 and cattail and everyone who talked my sis-daughter for letting me say stuff.She is back now and I am happy..
Thank you very much. Your kind words mean so much. I hope that whatever procedure they have in mind for you helps your appearance so you can feel better about getting out and about without 'looks' from strangers. People can be so cruel. You and your family have endured some very stressful times and I feel guilty giving up on my MIL - but I must or I will die and then where will she be?
I hope with all my heart that you are not correct about her situation and she gets to spend the majority of her remaining years in the Assisted Living part of the facility. We cannot foresee the future. But, at least if/when it happens - a move won't be quite as traumatic - she will be in fairly familiar surrounding. They do try to keep folks in the ALF side as long as possible. I am so glad you can say your are HAPPY. We all want to be :0)
One other thing.. when you shared about not always having the words , you also shared that you hear everything.. something I have been trying to tell my charges family.... to not talk about him like he is not in the room... he hears, I can tell when something hurts his feelings, or he get frustrated because he is misunderstood.... and I can also tell sometimes the family resents my intervention... but they can get over it.... as you said, one day his voice will be silenced.... and I want to hear everything he has to say... I love him very much... he is a wonderful loving man, and if he could, he would thank you for helping me to understand him better, to make this part as enjoyable as possible.... you make me happy Meno... thanks from the bottom of my heart.... and sending you hugs.... lots of hugs