Does the negativity and emotional abuse ever get easier to live with?

thank you all for your kindness-I will be back as I intend to be a full time caregiver-I have alot of people to thank but right now without mentioning names-let me just give you al a hug and say thank you. I will answer to those who posted to Menos and my psts in person when I can stop crying-thaks-God Bless

To all, update that Menohardy's daughter posted on another thread. She has sad news of her father.
Thread: Can I Expect my 87-year old Mother in Law to do Chores...."

Just to let you all know that a post on another thread indicates that our dear Meno may be gravely ill. Pray for him and his dear daughter and family. I think we have all grown very fond of him and have appreciated his posts so much! I hope that he will recover and come back to us.

Oldcodger2: I wanted to put a post on your wall, but went to your profile and it is not set up for posts. So I'll just say it here. You put your MIL in that lovely facility. You are a precious angel and you have done all you can for her. It's like the doc said, "It's no ones fault." And please don't waste your time talking about the sibs who have let you down and how it is more their fault than yours. YES, they let you, your husband and your MIL down. Maybe you could have continued longer if they had been there to lend a hand. But, here's the thing, you have guilt and you are looking for someone else to put it on. It's their failing instead of your failing. What I want to say is YOU DID NOT FAIL. And you are right, you're not done yet. You will still be caring for her, just in a different setting.

Now, you have to start thinking about your life and how you will regain it. It's a process and you have to take it one step at a time. Don't get ahead of yourself. Just take it day by day. Please know that we all admire and understand what you have done for your MIL for many years. You will continue to care about her, from your heart, but not from your home. That's ok. You are so wise to know that you have reached your limit and that steps must be taken to change the lives of all of you. DON'T beat yourself up. Just take deep breaths, breath, breath, breath. It will get better. She will adjust. She can adjust.

You must adjust too and I think you might have a harder time than her. You have a lot of grieving to do. So give your self time and permission to do it. I am beside you all the way and sending you buckets of love and support.

Take care of yourself and be patient with yourself. You are a good person, a good wife and an amazing DIL. It will get better. Hugs, Cattails

Care giving and the ability to continue care giving is something we each have to struggle with. Every person is different - therefore - there are no cookie cutter answers to the problems of care giving, care givers or care recipients.

Not all ALF's and NH's are the same. They are not all prisons. And, yes, they are usually the 'last resort' when everything and EVERYONE is exhausted.

Care givers are not all the same. Care recipients are not all the same. We do what we can for as long as possible - That's all we can do. There is no 'one size fits all' solution. Putting a loved on in an ALF or NH doesn't always mean we don't love them. We have an obligation to give our loved ones the best care they deserve and sometimes it requires more than we can give.

Sometimes a care recipient is going to be unhappy, mean, spiteful, unforgiving, vindictive, etc., etc., etc. NO MATTER WHAT WE DO. After being a care giver for 7 years - I will forever pray for all care givers and all those in their care.

There are no 100% right or wrong answers. If we didn't LOVE - we certainly wouldn't grieve or feel guilty over the decision to place a loved on in a facility - we would be throwing a party. I don't think caregivers throw very many parties when their loved ones move to a facility. I certainly won't. And for most, our care giving doesn't end - it just changes or morphs into another kind of caring.

My mother has been dependent of me for 4 years now, after reading this post I realize that she has dementia because she has never needed anybody to do everything for her and now she does and I am the only one here. My brothers are both living in US and I am here in Mexico alone with her taking care of all her needs, obviously all her anger and frustration goes to me. Thank you for letting me know that she does that because she loves me, therefore, she treats everyone as if she is an angel. Thanks, I will try harder not to let it bother me and continue to be a loving daughter and changing the subject or go away when she has an episode.

yes we do need better health care. We also need to learn respect for our elders. We must never put them in a home unless their mind is gone. I thought like you hessaw and my family saw me as being selfish(especially my grandchildren). I'm not talking about independence. Yes-keep your independence as long as you can but when you can't dress yourself and need help dressing, and cook ing and driving if your family wants to help you let them help you. Instead of giving your money to a facility give it to your children especially in thes economy. Put one of your grandchiolodren thru college. Of course if you would rather have a stranger help you then -oh-never mind I want to be nice. It is good that you planned ahead. Especially if you are not a close family. I love my family and as long as they love me I will not deny them. I plan on voting-my day calendar has the day marked. My daughter will take me-not a stranger. I look at LCFs as living masoleums. I do not like them and when we go visit some relatives who are in one they all sit by the door waiting for a visit and no one comes usually. So sad.

My experience with twice being involved with caregiving led me to determine I would NOT ask that of my four kids. I want to plan now for my care so they will not worry about me, and I will not worry what the strain is doing to them,their children, and families. I've made it very clear to them, in writing, that this is what I want. We are planning this together and I did buy LTC insurance years ago. I will select a lifecare community soon, while I am eligible to enter. I hope it all goes as planned;I've tried my best. We need better healthcare for ALL. Please VOTE!

Thank you. I want to say smething most of you do not know and I hope you never will. Dementia is like walking thru a forest alone and you cannot find your way home. It is like watching a movie of yourself from the inside. I seldom cannot find yesterday but I remember my wife and my children and I spend most of my days looking for them in my mind and when I find them someone seems to come and pull me out of my memory and back into the world of I don't know you. Or I do not believe you. Sometimes I do not believe myself. I was never that man who had that wife and those children and when I feel like that I am a broken mirror again and that is the most frighteneing of all and I have to draw me in my circle before I never come back. eddieboyangel. Your daddy is in your heart and you are in his heart. He is not insulting you he is insulting his afflictions. I cannot tie my shoe and I want to throw my shoe but when I do I have lost total control so I stop and sooner or later that woman who says she is my daughter will come and put my sock on right and tie my shoe except now I have shoes that do not need to be tied. He friend said boy I'll bet the retard will like those and he thinks I did not hear him so when he goes away I will tell her because I put it in my want list. I am sorry I got off topic. Your daddy needs love not pity. sing those songs you sang and they get thru the woods and find him and he will hear you in the good places left in his mind. I am not doing a good job of explaining. PRETEND YOU DO NOT NOTICE YOUR DAD IS NOT THE MAN HE USED TO BE. i PRETEND EVERYDY THAT THE WOMAN WHO HELPS ME IS MY DAUGHTER BUT i KNOW SHE IS NOT BECAUSE MY DAUGHTER WAS MUCH SMALLER AND SHE SAYS i AM GROWN UP NOW. i LIKE HER BETTER WHEN SHE WAS LITTLE AND NEEDED ME and this morning she said I need you dad come here and put your finger right here, She tied a bow and I remembered a bow she wore sometimes and I felt good and I felt good helping too. Someone wrote on here thqat we cannot change anyone -the only theng we can change is ourselves. I agree to this except for the changes that life throws at us-we cannot stop those changes but we can work around them.
Old people need children . Not rough children who hit us-children who are goofy and like to play. I can be a kid and play like I used to and no one laughs at me. My daughter put a sign on the door: It reads senile and re-tard not welcome. So I know I am safe or she would throw me out-it was my sons son who thought of it and his dad mede him make the sign and he was mad. I lkie to make signs I am trying to think of one now but I cannot think and type. Love your dad eddieboy angel-I like that name. Yourbrother was always controlling and you have to be firm and not let him control you. Maybe we can talk again sometime angel-I think children are angels too-they just came frm Gods house and have some job ahead i life and then when they finish the job they wait until God sednds the magic bus to take us home again if we did our job well enough which is to love our brothers and sisters, Thats all God wants us to do is love one another and he tests us to see how we are doing. Bye noiw Eddieboy angel.

Meno, I know for me, one of the most frustrating things as a caregiver, is to try and convince the family that S hears EVERYTHING they say.... he is NOT invisible, he is setting right there hearing everything they are saying... and I understand that his wife has to vent sometimes, but Lord I wish she would do it when he is not around...... It hurts me for him... like yesterday, she was complaining about his bad night the night before... I sat there and watched his face, his body language and found myself getting upset with his wife....so I plan on having a conversation with her, when he is not around, and share some of the things you have shared with us.... that he CAN hear and understand what she is saying,,, and that he may forget the words, but the feeling are there..... I always try to intervene and reassure him no one is mad at him... that just sometimes we don't know how to help him and I am sorry he is having such a rough time getting us to understand... come to find out... his back was hurting... this came to me by observation..... His wife is reluctant to give him anything other than his normal meds... I asked her about giving him Tylenol... I don't take it upon myself to do things without asking her first, but when she shook her head NO, I shook my head YES. and very firmly but with respect told her he was hurting... and the fact he is unable to tell us, no tellling how long he had been hurting, and yes, I was going to give him some Tylenol...I also have been giving him Tylenol about an hour before his shower... as this is very exhausting and stressful for him... not because the water hurts him, but because of the undressing, getting in the shower, the whole ritual wears him out.... but you will be happy to know I have been making sure he gets to bathe himself..... he can do it... and it makes him feel so much better, less stressed and more in charge....
I have found myself listening to him in a different way since you have been sharing with us... I hear him different now, if that makes sense...and have been telling him I love him.... which I do... just some gentle changes in my caregiving and I see him being more relaxed... the information you are sharing, and getting to do some venting of your own, has helped more that you will ever know.... and S even told M yesterday that she was mean to him sometimes..... she looked like someone has swatter her with a newspaper, but he was able to tell her she was hurting his feelings..... he has never done that before... so thank you from the bottom of my heart for making this journey better for the man I take care of.... he is more alive than I have seen him in awhile.... it may not last long as he is in the end stages of AlZ, but he is being empowered indirectly with your help.... sometimes when I am talking to him, I'll say Meno told me that..... to help you... isn't that great... and he always smiles..... nothing happens by accident... and you being here and sharing has brought about a new understanding, a new view and I am forever grateful to you...
Hope you get to go for a ride today.... or set outside and watch the birds... I try to take S out at least once a day... he loves the birds...
So am sending you lots of hugs for being in my life and making S's life more meaningful.....

I am glad I read everyone's experiences because I know that I am not alone. I as I watched my dad loose his mind. He was such a smart man, always in control, loved to give advice. I adored him. When I started visiting him, I felt anpiece of him going evevery time I saw him. I felt I mourned hm everytime I saw him. A little bit of him was gone every day. He became unreasonable and ungrateful and demanding and forgot many of the beautiful things we shared together. We shared songs, and poems and beuautiful memories before he became ill. The songs, lost their meanings as he began to hurt me. He continued to defend my brother who was sabotaging his estate and would not listen to me trying to protect him. He was angry when I tried to convince him that he was being tricked and robbed by him. It was so difficult to see this beautiful man try so hard to keep his proud self and feel that his judgemets were still sound and strong. At first, I tried to stop my brother's abuse, but it was only hurting myself and my hisband and children. Looking at your messages made me realize how much he is truly struggling and how frustrating it must be for him. I still cannot stay upset at him for long because I care for him so much. I will continue to honor and respect him like I always did
though it is very difficult to watch. He resists help like shopping for food and insists he still can drive at 91 so it's very dfficult and I worry about him and my mom. My difficult and controlling brother does not help. I continue to have faith
and try my best to be the best care giver I can and still keep myself, my career, my husband and sons together.

oh-your posts do not make me in stress. I am not in your shoes and you have been so nice I know you tried everything because you are caring enough to even care about me a stranger. So smile and this is a new day. Rejoice in this a new day is what I was trying to say. Bless you

I not sad for MIL-I want you to not feel bad because you did all you could do. I hope she adjust to new place and gets along with new faces. You should be proud and I hope you do not feel you made a mistake. I hope when you visit her she wioll be happy to see you in a new and better way.

Dear MenoHardy - I know that my posts distress you and I am so sorry for that. Sadly, I do not feel like I will ever be free. This experience has changed me too. I don't intend to stop caring for my MIL - I love her. I will still visit her as often as I can - maybe not each day - but certainly several times a week and call her often. I plan to cook for her sometimes and bring her things from home. She likes my cooking.

Sadly, her own health issues are what has taken her freedom away from her. Time and old age have taken her husband, her health, most of her friends. Not me. I couldn't prevent it from happening. None of us can stop time.

When she is able - we do things - go for rides in the car - stop for ice cream - grab a sandwich and go the the park and sit in the car under the trees and enjoy the breeze and the shade.

I try to talk to HER and thankfully her doctors talk to HER and not me. No one wants to be invisible. I am so sorry that others make you feel small and insignificant. I know that hurts. Why do people do it? Good question. Have we ever done it? Probably.

I am just about your age Meno - the tsunami of elderly is on the horizon. All the baby boomers. Human imperfection is to blame for our misery - I believe only God can save us out of this mess we are headed into. Yes, I have already told my children that I don't expect them to die for me. Do the best they can and that's all any of us can do.

I hope that you have kind thoughts for your sister/daughter and they do likewise for you today. They love you and you love them. But the situation is difficult for you and for them. I am sorry if they disappoint you. I hope you do get to go to the beach or just to get an ice cream cone. I am sorry you wear Pajamas when you don't want to. Possibly it helps with laundry, etc. Sometimes I wear my pajamas most of the day too :0)

It is pretty hard to think of someone elses pain when we are in pain ourselves. I know you often think of others - but sometimes - we think of ourselves and feel sorry. It is only natural.

I know that something must change here. Do weI LIKE the change? NO. Can we live with the change? We hope so. These are new decisions and experiences for us as will as for mom. It isn't easy for any of us. All we can do is our best at this moment in time. My best at this moment isn't what my best was a few years ago. But it is the best I can do at this moment. And I regret that I am not superwoman.

oldcodger2 you have done so much for so little. I so sorry to hear about your son and maybe you gave and gave so much in his memory. I don't know. But I bellieve that you did more than most would and sooner or later you had to lay your burden down. I believe I told you that you will come to regret having done so. That you may feel some guilt. I expect you have and are but there was nothing more you could do. In my little book of choices book I opened it to this: If only I knew
my choices

however small and insignificant....were taking me away from you,
I would turn around and run to you.

I am reading a book called the human predicament. All world religious seem to agree that our present state of evolutionary consciousness is a mess. We suffer from illusion-not knowing what true happiness is-and from our desire for the wrong things, and too much of the good things, and then if we ever discover the path to true happiness, our will or energy, is too weak to pursue it anyway. There is no trick in not feeling guilty Marciwriter. But you are correct when you say that dementia manifests itself in many different and odd ways. The problem is the elderly are not worth the resources for the medical community to begin real studies on solving the problems that cause the elderly to manifest these bothersome and peculiar quirks of body, mind and perhaps soul. Sue there are all kinds of fund raisers and galas to create funding for the dreaded disease of the elderly-dementia and alzheimers which most of us will end up having to deal with ourselves someday; not as a caregiver but as a carereceiver. But like death and taxes most of us hope to put that one off a while or convince ourselves it will not happen to me. Maybe it wont. Maybe you will be killed in a car accident or have a sudden and deadly heart attack first. I have less than half a brain and can understand everything my doctors say. Why then do they not talk to me when I see them. Only my psychologist talks to me or my Neurologist or the lady who puts the eeg electrodes on my scalp. Then they talk to me like I am a 3 year old.
Makes me want to act out. Makes me want to slap their bologna breath faces away from mine. But I can't. I must be good or they will put me away in a nursing home. Do you know that more money is being spent on researching monkeys than the human elderly? A vet technician makes more money than a caregiver!
I have a mentally challenged grandson who was put in a state home because my daughter thought it is best for him. I could take care of him and read him books but no. His behavior is hostile. Well sure it is. He cannot hold things and he sees angels and sometimes screams or gets mad. I would get mad too if I was treated like an animal. I want to run away but there is no place to run. I know my daughter is thinking about putting me in a nursing home. I can hear her talking to my son and my other daughter. I wish I could think of some lie to get her in trouble so they would believe me and not her so much. I do not like wearing my pajamas all day. I want to go for a ride and feel free. So I cannot walk fast. So what if I am ugly to look at. . If feelings, motivations, or actions are considered in an abstract way, more or less as vectors detatched from the personality in which they actually have their existence, it is true that they can only be imagined to give us rise to anxietry or inhibition through association with some real or imagined external danger or punishment. When my daughter tells me tomorrow we go to the beach I am happy until I hear her call grandma and she says so what if I lied to him-tomorrow he will not remember or even if he does I can say we went and had a good time and he will not know the difference. Who is being bad? Me or her or both of them?
So my doctor says to her he is incapable of worry. No. That is not true. I worry every day. Lies worry me becausethey are not true.. I tried to tell my doctor and he would not listen. I said you know and can predict that a person can predict that a person cannot do a certain thing but i predicted you would wear a white jacket today and you did and I predicted that yesterday and you told me I can not remember yesterday but this is proof that I did. so I must be getting better-right? He said oh, yes, you are getting better and winked at my sis-daughter. He thinks I don't know that that wink meant I am an idiot and not to pay attention to me.
So Codger2 sometimes I think elderly people can be very stubborn and they do things to punish because they feel unloved or unwanted. Do not feel guilty for your decision because you did try and try and try. Write down all your reasons to remind yourself why you did what you did and and put it in your papers where you keep your will so when someone is taking care of you they will understand if you could do it to someone then they can do it to you and not feel guilty for it. If only I knew...that grief and heartache could be so deep and devatating, I wouold have been there for others. I wonder Oldcodger2-what will you do now with al your new found freedom? and I wonder what MIL will do with her new lack of it? I hope it all works out for the best.

Thank you MarciWriter - Yesterday, after 3 days of not speaking to us - she came in and thanked me for getting her groceries. I told her I was glad to do it and to let us know if there was anything else she wanted or needed. I then hugged her. She started crying. I felt sorry for her and for ME! I told her 'it will be ok - it will be ok' - I did not even hint that she would not be moving. That's a given now. I filled out the paperwork yesterday and will drop it off today and Monday they may have an apt. The Mgr. of the facility called yesterday. If all goes well - she will be moving next weekend. Trying not to get my hopes up too high.

When I was hugging her - I hugged her long and hard - I kept thinking 'this won't last oldcodger, this won't last - be strong.' Her moving will be for the best.

They have a nice private dining room with nice pretty dishes and a full kitchen - I plan to go each week and make a meal for us all - if she wants it. I love to cook and she loves to eat it :0) Maybe include the grand-kids from time to time. They live nearby. I keep telling myself - it can't be any worse than how things are now.

I wonder sometimes 'what people will think' when they find out - me sending this sweet little old lady (that's the only side of her most people have ever seen - and she really can be sweet) away. But, I have decided that God Knows how it really is. My husband knows how it really is. I know how it really is. I will NOT justify myself to anyone. They can think what they want. I have done my best.

I don't want to die. My own mom died at 60 of a stroke - I am already older than she was when she died. There have been a few times lately that I felt I could die. I don't want to. Not yet. So, this is a 'life saving mission.'

Just a side note that may help someone else - my MIL does not have enough income to pay - but the facility takes Medicaid and we are pretty sure she will also qualify for VA Aid and Attendance benefits (widow of a War Vet). So, it isn't always a 'self pay' situation. To find the BEST ALF in our area and be able to qualify for aid is almost more than we can believe. She would not be making this move otherwise. We thought she would have to go to a nursing home and then found out that she could get help with the cost of ALF. So, look around, ask questions. As LOTS of questions. Talk to the people who actually live there. Watch them. Watch the staff. We were impressed. I can't say that about every nursing home we have ever visited. We were visiting an aunt last fall in Iowa and it was a STARK, dreary place. It was sad. This place feels more like home. They are very proud of it - you can tell.

oldcodger2,

Your last post was beautifully written. Your pain and conflicted emotional response to your MIL vividly demonstrates the madness that sick, elderly parents can create in their environment. I often ask myself the same questions you ask.
I think, at some point, it's important to realize that most of the elderly parents discussed on this site have some form of dementia. I've come to think that dementia is a sort of disease that manifests itself in many different and odd ways. My mother's behavior is very similar to your MILs. The sinister way she seems to set me up to be humiliated, the accusations. My mother and your MIL are sort of emotional terrorists that get away with bad behavior and we caregivers become the scapegoats. The trick is to stop feeling guilty, I guess. The care home you've found for your mother seems lovely. You must ignore the pangs of guilt you're experiencing and send your MIL to the beautiful care home in order for and your husband to recover your life.

Thank you beckncall - thank you very much. I know you are right.

The doc gave her a simple cognitive test Monday and said she 'passed.' But how do you explain all the things that she forgets and then denies forgetting? Is she 'normal' and am I overreacting? I don't think so. And no matter what - I know that I gave this my best shot and now I am 'shot.'

I can't help but feel - and maybe this is wrong - that her other two sons had a lot to do with what is happening now. I asked so many times for them to take mom (my MIL) for a few weeks so I could rest. So many on this site have said so many times that you won't get the help you need unless you ask. Well, I asked and asked and the answer was always no. Her youngest son - the one she thinks the WORLD of, won't even answer our text messages, emails or phone calls - unless he feels like it. Often it is days or weeks before he gets in touch and sometimes we are ignored completely.

So, I crashed.I got used up. So, is it MY fault or theirs? They are her sons too. They have wives too. I guess I have just grown resentful of their selfishness and lack of care - not only for their mom but for her care giver.

We are not just 'dumping mom somewhere' - this story isn't over just because she lives elsewhere. We will still be the ones who are called in any emergency. We will still be the ones who visit all the time and who do everything we can to help her enjoy her remaining years and make sure that she is receiving good care. We will still care. That won't stop. She just doesn't realize this - and she may never understand.

That is the sad part. She can't understand why I can't do this any more. To her, I am just a selfish person. Somehow, she excuses the other two sons. I have to somehow wrap myself around the fact that 'she just can't help it anymore.'

Yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel now.

Oldcodger2....my gosh...u r expecting sooo much from urself wen u have given so much already. There is no doubt that u have gone above n beyond for ur mil. U r a wonderful dil. U have to b more kind n gentle to urself right now, not guilty.

If u jst stop a moment n think about it....wat other method does ur mil have to hurt u other than trying to make u feel guilty? No one can "make" us feel guilty, we jst think that we deserve it. Well...u don't. I wouldnt try to coax her out of her room, bcuz that is wat she wants u to do. As long as she is safe, n properly cared for, let her stay isolated. U kno, as well as i, that u cannot change a person who suffers from this disease, so u jst have to b in her world, not try to expect her to b in urs. She cannot do it. U must realize at some point that u r important n u deserve to be treated as such. Wat good will u b to urself n ur husband, if u do not put urself first?
I kno that it is easier said than done, but wat is the alternative if she is not placed? It will only continue to destroy u n, possibly ur marriage. This facility sounds wonderful, n she will eventually find her way, make friends, n live out her life under excellent care. Wat a blessing that is for her...but if u think shes not going to do everything possible to "make" u feel bad about urself, and live with unnecessary guilt, then u r expecting more than she can give.. Stay strong n continue on this path with her. To think that u should wry about being forgiven is jst not in this picture. U love her enough to kno wen it is time to place her into an enviroment that will b the most successful for her n for urself n hubby. U can make it another 3wks...bcuz u can now see a definate end in sight..U seem, to me, to b a very strong woman. U have been able to hang in for this long....3 wks....piece a cake....it's all in how u choose to look at it. I will b praying for u that God keeps u strong throughout the next few weeks, n i have no doubt that He will. After all...without His help, u would never have gotten this far. Be easy on urself...n take care...huge hugs to u

Please hang n there. This is a difficult job we are trying to do for our loved ones....

Do they live with you?
it is not easy..i know..yet, is not meant for you..it is just the disease.
let them live in a safe environment..and when it gets to be too much for you..
you have to walk away.and that is for you to do.it is a CHOICE.
I hope i helped ..i do understand.

Marci - thank you for your kind words and please know that I pray for ALL care givers every night before I go to sleep. If I wake in the night (which is often) I pray then too. It is the only thing that gets me through. My dear hubby tries to comfort and support me but there is only so much he can do. He isn't comfortable going in there and possibly finding her half dressed or on the toilet or whatever. I understand. I know she isn't comfy with those things either.

This all started out of love for my Mother in law. We have been friends for over 40 years. As her condition deteriorates she becomes less and less the person she was and more and more someone else. Even my hubby didn't believe she was being 'mean' to me - because his sweet mother had always been nothing but SWEET his whole life. Then one day he saw it - and he was appalled. He asked her why she said that to me and she said 'WHAT?' I didn't mean anything by that. Or she will say she didn't say it or do it. It is just the strangest most conflicted mess I have ever experienced and I can't take it anymore.

Memo helped me to see that if she is able to be one way to me and then instantly change her demeanor (for my hubby, the doctor, her friends or anyone who calls) then it isn't just ME! That has to be calculated. I thought it was just me - my lack of patience - whatever. But she rarely has a kind word for me. I do things (scrub her floor) and she says it doesn't need it. I fill her medicine box and she says 'she can do that' - in fact she DID it last week and mixed things all up - she thought everything was fine - I just straightened out the box after she went to bed. Maybe I should have pointed out just where the problem was but it wouldn't have helped. She would get mad or deny that she even filled the box wrong - she would say I filled the box wrong.

All of this sounds like stupid little stuff - but this is the way it is with everythin, everyday, every week, every month. I am just worn out with it.

I think the worst part is the DREAD. The last two years she has been experiencing what we call 'mini crises' - surgeries, a 911 call and ER/hospitalization and subsequent weeks of spinal steroid shots - entailing entire days spent driving to/from the doctor and waiting hours for her procedures, then a fall with weeks of therapy and then a stroke. I live in DREAD of what tomorrow will bring. I am the one who deals with these things. There were times when she had nearly a dozen doctors visits and procedures in a single month - requiring an hour drive each way.

I have tried to many times to explain how I need a 'break' but her other kids live in other states and that gets them 'off the hook.'

Last week was the final straw when she accused me of doing something sneaky with her pension check. It has been so hot here - 100 - 108 - and she isn't able to get out in that heat. So I wrote a note on the envelope that I would cash her check for her (have done this dozens of times before) when I went to the store. She accused me of 'taking over her life.' I was upset and took the check back to her and told her to figure out a way to cash it herself! I know I shouldn't have said that and the bath lady was in there too. Then the bath lady said "Oldcodger - I don't know why you are so upset and taking it out on an old woman. Then she said "REALLY", Old Codger, "WHAT DO YOU DO HERE ANYWAY? Just WHAT DO you DO?" I was appalled and just left the room. I was so upset that I thought I would have a stroke all day. (she is not longer our bath lady).

How could the bath lady know what I do and how I feel? I had just scrubbed my MIL's floor on my hands and knees and vacuumed her carpet. Last week I shampooed her carpet. A care giver often is just THERE 'just in case.' Yes, I have bathed her and toileted her and nursed her after her surgeries, etc. etc., like so many others have done. Sure, there are days and weeks when I don't have to do much 'hands on' - but I am HERE, always HERE - in case she needs me. I was insulted to have someone insinuate that I do nothing for my mother in law. Sadly, that was the straw that broke my back and that very day I decided to take steps to place my MIL in an ALF. My husband said he understood. Her other two sons said 'they can't take mom' - do what you have to do. I feel like I have to 'save myself' and yet for that I feel extremely guilty.

So, we met with her doctor Monday. Before he came into the office she told us to 'just dump her somewhere and forget where she was' - she said 'I don't want you to bother with me ANY MORE!!' She said this very hatefully to me and my husband. It hurt. I told her to say that to us was unfair - that no matter how little her other sons do for her she still loves THEM and wants to see THEM. Why treat us this way when we are doing the best we can? She refused to answer us.

Then the doctor came in - INSTANT CHANGE - she smiled at him and was sweet as pie. She told him she was always the 'calm one' and 'never raised her voice' and she 'did the BEST SHE COULD'(in her sweetest little voice) and "could take care of herself and didn't need anyone to help her.' She said she didn't understand why 'SHE' was so upset. She told him that I was the one who got upset and 'raised her voice.' I did not deny this. I have raised my voice at her recently. Just another reason I feel she needs another care giver - one who is paid to be sweet for 8 hours and then can go home.

Thankfully, the doc did not take sides. I told him that I felt broken and exhausted. That my MIL couldn't understand this. I told the doctor that I wanted to go back to just being her friend and daughter in law and NOT her care giver.

He told her that he felt a 'change' would be the best solution and suggested we go take a look around at the ALF. He said that this situation wasn't any one person's fault - that it just IS and it needs to be addressed and suggested a change in living arrangements would benefit us both. He said he sees it 'all the time' and you can't place the blame on any one person. He has been her doctor for 8 years and she knows he is a good, kind man.

We went to lunch - she wouldn't speak to us. We then took her for a tour of the ALF and she was very pleasant to the Manager who showed off the facility (and it is a lovely place with anything anyone could want - her own apartment, an ice cream parlor, beauty shop, gift shop, therapy if needed, one of those walk in and sit down jacuzzi tubs (all she has to do is make an appt.), great looking/smelling food, snacks 24/7, flower gardens, gazebos, koi pond, walking paths, weekly housekeeping, an aide if she wants/needs one. We asked her what she thought and she said 'it has everything anyone could want IN A PLACE LIKE THAT. Those were the last words she has spoken to us since Monday. She won't speak to us now.

She came home and went into her rooms. She has a micro and fridge and while she napped I made sure she had food that she could easily heat and eat. I left her a note saying if she needed anything - just let us know. I also left a message for her doctor about this situation and he has not replied. I know she is hurt and angry and this is our 'punishment.' We keep tabs on her - but should we confront her? Won't that just make matters worse? Maybe she has a right to be angry and be alone to process things. My question is: How long do we leave her in there alone? She isn't bedridden - she walks with a walker and can take care of her personal needs. I refilled her med box while she was napping yesterday - so she is ok in that dept. for now.

I am not sure if I can handle this stress until she can move - it could be 2-3 weeks yet. My head feels like it is going to pop. My hubby came home and said he feels 'really bad' as well - complaining of tight chest and IBS symptoms. Should WE see the doctor as well?

And how do I deal with the GUILT?? I feel that my legacy from her is going to be GUILT until I die. Lots of it. I am torn between saving myself and sacrificing myself for her.

Of course no one wants to go to an ALF - but, I just hope that my children put me in a place as nice as this one is. It is not a prison. She will probably be MORE active and engaged than she is now.

And - a note to Memo - Please forgive me for not being able to continue being my mother in law's care giver. I have asked God to forgive me and only hope he does. How do I forgive myself? This is as traumatic for me as the death of our son 30 years ago.

oldcodger2,
Although, you don't know it, you beautifully articulated my situation with my mother, not exactly, of course, but your description so closely matched my experiences in dealing with my mother, whom I'm caring for, that I almost cried. When you wrote,
"My mother in law is the sweetest thing to anyone who calls or visits - but we rarely see this side of her. She hangs up the phone and the veil falls back over her face. The guests leave and the smile fades and we don't see it again," I felt vindicated, somehow. No one, not one person in my family or any of my mother's friends, believe me when I try to tell them that my mother has dementia and that she is mean and abusive to me. You wrote,"The more I must do - the more she resents it." My situation is exactly the same. My other siblings don't help my mother at all, yet she adores them. Yet, I'm the one who does everything for my mom and she resents and dislikes me. The part of your post that really got to me is when you wrote, "What so many don't realize is that care givers do so much 'in the background' that enables their parent or family member to maintain a semblance of independence. I am her cleaning fairy. I am her errand fairy. I am her calendar. I am her social secretary. There is no way she would be able to keep track of her appointments and meds. Her delicious, nutritious meals 'appear out of the blue.' She tells everyone she cooks for herself - when all she does is warm up a cup of soup in the microwave. But this is her reality."
Thank you for so eloquently expressing what I have been trying to tell people for so long. I will tape your post to my cork board to comfort me and more importantly, I will give your post to my family and friends. Maybe they will finally realize what my reality is.
The fact you are, " tired and worn out" which is what I've been for the last several months of caring for my mother, is a symptom that you have to save yourself. Your decision to put your mom into a care home is a necessity in order for you to regain your health and life.

yes Meno, I got your hug, It helped also to get your validation... but hugs are always welcome.... and especially the bear... a bear hug.... hugs back to you....

Menohardy~You are giving me a gift of knowledge, thank you. My mother has Alzheimer's. She lives alone and can still care for herself but she does have confusion. Sometimes my sister and I want to act to fast to make sure she is safe, but we are learning to back away and let her decide when she needs help. We want to keep her home as long as possible so she can remain independent and at some point she will need home healthcare since sis and I have to work. We will never abandon her. Hugs to you and your daughter!

Meno...it is so wonderful to see u back on the thread sharing ur life with us, n more importantly, helping us to b better caregivers to those we love so dearly. U r truly a priceless gift to us all.....huge hugs to u n ur daughter

i sent u a hug-did u get it-a bear i think

Meno, oh yes, he tunes me out when there is something he doesn't want to do... so I wait awhile and ask again.... sometimes yes, sometimes no... and sometimes it is just not important, so I let it go... thanks for the reply... have a great day..... sending you hugs... that's what we do here.. send hugs on the computer....they don't feel as good as real hugs, but it let's you know you are loved.

I am happy your patient did so good with his bath and the water does not hurt his body. .Very happy that he is happy with you because that means you are doing a good job and he sees you as his guide and that is good. we try to talk to our guides and lausg and play with them because we know they guide us to be clean and dressed and they make us happy inside anmd fix us food but sometimes we don't like it when you give us medicine or when the fod is cold or you give us food and it is too hot. yes we hear and see everything. We can tune things out also

Meno, your posts are helping me so much. Yesterday as I was giving my charge a shower, I noticed he was not himself... it dawned on me that this was one of the days to let him bathe himself... He is in stage 6 of Alz. and is not able to dress himself sometimes, can't find the toilet. But because of the things you are sharing, I saw and understood his feelings were hurt that I did not think he could give himself a bath.. so I stopped, handed him the wash cloth, and told him to make sure he had a shiney hiney when he was done.... he laughed like his old self.... took his shower, and everything was fine... I try to be very vigilant to his facial expressions, as he does not have words to express his feellings.....and your explanation of that has helped me to better understand his needs....He has a wonderful sense of humor, and he and I laugh and play a lot.... sometimes when I am being too 'helpful' with him, I stop and ask him if I am getting on his nerves.... he will laugh and say he knows I am trying to help... he can't finish a sentence anymore... he starts out and halfway thru the words get lost, but I can tell he is wanting me to try and fill in the blanks for him.... sometimes I get it wrong... and will tell him we'll keep trying until we find out what he wants or needs.... I am very blessed to have this man in my life, he has taught me about love on another level, just as you are doing.... and that you have love and compassion for your daugher, you are giving us an insight that I cherish.... You are a wonderful man, you are very appreciated....
One other thing.. when you shared about not always having the words , you also shared that you hear everything.. something I have been trying to tell my charges family.... to not talk about him like he is not in the room... he hears, I can tell when something hurts his feelings, or he get frustrated because he is misunderstood.... and I can also tell sometimes the family resents my intervention... but they can get over it.... as you said, one day his voice will be silenced.... and I want to hear everything he has to say... I love him very much... he is a wonderful loving man, and if he could, he would thank you for helping me to understand him better, to make this part as enjoyable as possible.... you make me happy Meno... thanks from the bottom of my heart.... and sending you hugs.... lots of hugs