Hi,
My FIL passed away last 8/14/2021 and he was survived by his wife (my MIL) and his son (my husband) the problem is his wife has been showing signs of dementia for a couple of years, and she has been an utter handful due to COVID. Day centers were closed, placement was out of the question and the stress unfortunately lead to my FIL passing away.
My husband is trying to do everything in his power to do right by his mom, overall I cannot say she is an extremely difficult case per-se. She is just an attention starved person and I am sick of it. We have tried to find her placement, in our state MC is not covered by Medicaid, and due to the fact she requires 1-to-1 care unfortunately she has been kicked out of many SNF, and she is a wandering risk so assisted living is not possible.
Medications appear to have the paradoxical effect on her, or come with other side effects such as delusions, suicidal thoughts, vomiting, lack of eating, lack of sleeping. So her care team has given up on that approach, we even tried geriatric psych and they were unable to find something that would work for her that is relatively safe with minimal side effects. The problem is with attention and social interaction she is perfectly fine, the issue is until we go through all the appeals and hoops to get her the hours she requires my husband is left to flip the bill, which is one thing but he is also forced to give up his time.
We were meant to buy a house and start a family, and all of that went up in smokes because now he has to take care of his mother. She was never a good person prior to being sick, she has always been manipulative and not a team player. Her own family did not even bother to show up for my FIL funereal. I get she is alone, and she is the only blood related family he has left, but I cannot help but feel neglected. I know this is not his fault, but the reality I want his mother to die. Whenever I see her face I only picture choking, poisoning, pushing her down the stairs, watching her drown, in short I want her to suffer.
She has always treated me poorly and acted as if I am not good enough. As my FIL put it she was jealous of me, which I understand is normal. My Father did the same thing with my husband. The difference is my husband is a much kinder, and understanding person that no matter what horrible thing my family did or said about him he just smiled and took it, because he wanted to be with me. Even when I defend him, he always told me do not worry about it, he use to say I will grow on them like moss. I am just not that strong, I hate his mother, I wish she was the one to die and not his father. I hate the amount of suffering her and her family has caused them because they did not properly plan for their future. I hate the fact that I know my behavior causes my husband much stress, and I feel bad because I am trying to protect myself by distancing from the situation because I cannot do it. My MIL very existence causes me to massive anxiety.
I know I am a failure of a wife, but I cannot be by my husband's side during this time, I told him today I am moving out and need space. I am leaving my husband that has been nothing but understanding and supportive though my family's issues. I am not cut out to be a caregiver for someone I hate, or even be in the general area of the process that goes into. Every phone call my husband gets regarding her care my stomach flips and I want to vomit. We are in both couples and individual therapy and it pains me to see my husband sit there and blame himself.
This man legit apologized for showing his emotions and stress around me when dealing with his mother. He apologized for essentially being an advocate for his mother. Here I am putting myself first, while I leave the man I love behind because I am simply not built to care for someone I hate. I do not have the strength to forgive.
I hate this disease and what it does to families, I really am a b*** aren’t I? Such a horrible person.
What I am going say here is being said without rancor and with no malice whatsoever towards you.
You should seriously consider getting some psychiatric help for yourself. From what you have said here, you sound like a textbook narcissist. You also admit to fantasizing about your MIL dying a violent death and even wish it on her. That's a serious problem.
You speak about your husband and his mother being "on the spectrum". What's the explanation for your own behavior? What spectrum are you on? You're lamenting about your husband leaving you alone in the apartment that he totally pays for because he's at his mother's place. Maybe you should get a job and help out with expenses and that way your husband may be able to work less and give you more of his time.
Considering that you're at home all day long and not having to care for an elderly person with dementia, you could actually make yourself useful in finding some services and facility options for your MIL. Your husband would probably really appreciate it.
This is insanely disturbing. Leave and stay away. You are a danger to her and to your husband. Get some help.
Whatever the outcome with the MIL, it is time for YOU to seek psychological help.
It may be that your limitations are such that you cannot give in home care. No judgement from ME, here, as though I loved being a nurse I could never have done what I did 24/7 in home. So my limitations and such that I have always recognized that.
In all of this I do not know if MIL actually lives with you, but I assume so given her needs. And she is a tough case. It is not so unusual as you might think for patients to have paradoxical affect from medications, and VD is truly one of the most difficult to deal with. If MIL has been shown the exit in various facilities, as you say she has, it would not be surprising that you cannot live with her, especially when you are planning to start a family. THAT is not possible if MIL lives with you; she won't get better. She will get worse.
If you are young enough to just now be planning a family I suspect MIL is not very old; she may have decades left. If your husband is also sinking money into all this, as you infer, then the assets meant for his own nuclear family is instead invested in his ill Mother.
I would suggest that you leave now. Your feelings are out of control. You should seek help. If your husband doesn't place his mother while you are long I suspect you are not now/will not be in future strong enough to be the caregiver for this woman, and I suspect the marriage is over OR your husband places his Mom somewhere where the state will provide where he is unable to. Sorry, it sounds all so cruel, but I don't see any options here, and when I read the responses I think that others really don't either. This can be like dealing with a psychotic person unless you ARE there 24/7. I don't know anyone capable of giving up their own life in that manner.
You are very well spoken. I suspect you are very intelligent and capable of working to support yourself. You are not capable of doing this. There are no children involved. Sadly I would leave. Your husband is a good man, and torn between Mom and wife. I am afraid he has made his choice. To be frank I believe it to be dangerous to your mental health to stay and perhaps dangerous to others to have you there.
I am so sorry. Not everything has a good answer. Not everything can be fixed.
If you are not prepared to live your life that way I would suggest you discuss that with your husband. He has guardianship. He is unlikely to give that over to the state or to other family, and other family is clearly not willing to let this woman completely take over their lives.
Your husband will have to chose what to do with your MIL. If she is not at risk from wandering and is free to come and go and wants a lot of attention I suggest the family try putting her in an assisted living facility again. If that doesn't work, and she is still not diagnosed as demented (how can that be when she has been assigned a guardian? She either IS incomepent and needs a guardian or she is NOT incompetent and in that case there would BE NO GUARDIAN unless she wished to have one).
In any case, after this length of time I think you know there will be no peace, there will be no nuclear family that doesn't include MIL, and bringing children into this mess would be awful for ALL INVOLVED.
I myself would tell my husband "I care for you, but I cannot sacrifice my life to this. We have done all we can and there is no peace. It is turning me into something I don't want to be. I am so sorry, but I am leaving now. We need to see a lawyer for a separation, and I need to get my own place. I will support you as I would any friend, but that will not include care of your mother."
This is life. Some marriages work; some do not. For any number of reasons. For some people it is financial problems, for some it is something like this.
Only you can make the choice. You already know the facts. The facts are not likely to change, and you KNOW this, which is why your fantasy realm now is one in which death figures; that is NOT HEALTHY. Seek counseling for yourself, make your decisions, do your mourning and move on. There is very little choice unless you wish to continue on the way you are.
I also agree with others that this in no wise sounds like dementia. But in fact, it little matters WHAT it is, and in the realm of mental illness and dementia there is often no diagnosis until autopsy, IF THEN.
Best out to you. So sorry for this daily turmoil and torment. You and hubby are clearly bright and informed. You will have to make your own choices.
OP presents herself so badly that it’s easy to blame her. OP stops herself and us from blaming DH. However it does sound that this is a classic case of ‘choose – mother or wife’. OP did not expect this from marriage. No matter how wonderful DH is, or how bad she feels about her own failings, OP is probably better off out of this marriage.
I would leave this mess. Get the legal separation, get out on your own; you are clearly quite brilliant and there are jobs a plenty for you if you are not already working. Tell hubby you have just bowed out of elder care and in fact don't even want to hear the stories. Tell him you will give him at least 6 mo to a year to figure out who it is to be, you or Mom.
What in the WORLD difference will guardianship make for anything????? She is very unlikely to come into any control with that set of papers, and in fact if she has her own lawyer, and she is capable of coming and going as she is, there will BE no guardianship.
The more I hear the more I think you just pulled the MIL from Hades. Not certain you knew that when you married. This seems unlikely to be a sudden occurrance. And your hubby is apparently not forthcoming enough to share the truth with you.
I would leave. That had my vote in the beginning and the more I hear the more I believe there is not another choice. PLEASE don't stay until a poor child is brought into this mess "accidentally".
Married, stayed married, happily. Good solid boundaries set early on & reinforced about how much 'the good son' could do. He KNEW he could not fix or save her.
Sparked off by 'event' ?stroke ?infection, that MIL went way way off the rails. Locked psych wards stuff. Again boundaries put in place, with some give to get through the crises.
Time Limits were added. Just like you said Alva, time limits really helped. 6 weeks it was. I believe emergency guardianship granted but this did not reduce the stress, nor present instant solutions.
That MIL wandered too. She refused AL type places. Eventually, when better stabilised, a home trial was agreed by her care team. She walked at night in front of a train.
They did all they could.
I expect the OP's DH want to feel the same. To know he has done what he could. Then he will be ready to step back? Then the marriage may be resumed?
Of course not all couples would survive a traumatic event such as that. It can split or bring people together.