Mom in memory care, suggestions for her house?

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Mom in memory care, suggestions for her house?

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My mom is now in Memory Care near me. Her house is in a town 200 miles from me. We've moved some things and photos etc to her Memory Care apartment, but she and my late dad had been in that home since the early 70s, so its got a lot of stuff still there. Pre covid, I had plans to use that house to stay in periodically so that Mom could still see her friends, or go to a grandchild dance receital. But her dementia has increased and I'm not sure I should ever take her back. Right now of course, her facility is locked down, and I can only take her out for a medically necessary doctor appointment. She doesn't understand that where she is is forever, and I don't know what is more cruel, not ever going or going and seeing alot if her furniture missing (at memory care) and having to leave it again.
Do I start going through her things, donating and give to family, and sell house? It feels wrong to be doing that without her blessing, but she's not capable of understanding her condition, or making decisions about the things. It's like my mom is dead and I need to deal with estate, but she's still here and I feel so guilty. It's like I took her on a trip, but then just said sorry you can't leave. But it doesn't make sense to keep the house empty. I'm afraid the word will get out thats it's empty and we will have a break in.
I could go down there and start, but then I'm afraid my mom will have another fall, and I won't be there if she needs to go to the hospital as I'm her medical POA and she's not capable of answering questions correctly anyway.
My sister lives closer to the house and she can some also, but shes got two kids in school and she and her husband both teach and are crazy busy right now. I'm retired and have the time, but don't know what to do.
She is private pay due to great LTC insurance and retirement planning, so no issues re Medicaid or anything. I'm Financial and Health POA.

Alzheimer's & Dementia Care Decisions Memory Care

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The memory care place is home now, so don't take her back to house at all -- she'll be devastated. I made the mistake of doing that with my mother, and I felt terrible about doing it.

An empty house decays quickly, so I advise selling it sooner than later unless you want to rent it out. Carry your medical POA and your mom's advance healthcare directive with you at all times, so if something happens while you're away, you can communicate with doctors by phone until you can get there.

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Thanks. Good advice. I get caught up on the details and just need ti make some forward progress one day at a time

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If your mom is in memory care, it’s probably best she doesn’t go back to her house even for a visit. I know it seems cruel. Believe me. I know. When my mom was in Assisted Living, I took her home twice. I said I would never do it again. I thought I was doing something nice for her, but, of course, she didn’t want to leave. Leaving was traumatic for her. It was cruel. Now she’s in Memory Care. It took me four years, but I finally sold her house recently. It took me that long to be able to let go. It was difficult to not talk to her about the process, not ask her what to keep and what should go, to release all the things that were so important to her. I suggest you proceed at the pace best for you.

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Gracie, I went through this just a couple years ago. Mom and dad went into assisted living. They didn’t understand that this was permanent but there was no other way. Dad was moved to memory care after mom died.

With two parents in care I needed to sell the home place ASAP to pay for their care.

I was 600 miles away. I started cleaning the place immediately and found a handy man to haul away junk and do a couple fixit jobs.

I got a realtor and had a couple good offers within days. I sold it as is. I wasn’t about to fuss around with remodeling from 3 states away.

Ya know, you feel kinda deceitful but there’s nothing else that makes sense when the funds are needed for care.

Mom died in 2018 and I have since moved dad to a nursing home near me. It’s over $8K per month. He’s on hospice now. He won’t outlive his money but there won’t be much left.

Good luck to you.

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I stocked a lot of items at the curb, they were usually gone in a few hours. I also hired a franchise called College Hunks, Hauling Junk to take a lot of big items out of the basement.

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First thing to do is get insurance for an unoccupied structure. I found out, too late, that once Mom was moved out of her house her insurance policy was void since an unoccupied house is seen as vulnerable to breaking and vandalism.

as you are not nearby notify the police that the home is not occupied and ask for periodic checks. Ask neighbors to keep an eye out too, stop newspapers And set up a change of address so mail doesn’t pile up. Notify utilities, turn off the water and gas, not electric. Set lights on timers, etc.

I also asked a neighbor to park his truck in the driveway. He was a state trouper and parked his patrol car there sometimes.

A pipe broke at Moms house and water poured out for 3 days! Luckily the village didn’t charge us for the 20,000 gallons of water that poured down the walls into the basement. $5000 of repairs later I still don’t understand way the next door neighbor didn’t call me, he had to hear the shorted fire alarm going off.

All that done, don’t feel bad about clearing out the house. As long as she has things that are familiar she doesn’t have to have EVERYTHING she owns. I rented a storage locker nearby and stored a selection of decor, clothing, and holiday decorations that I used to change out periodically.

You can hire a company to do the clear out and conduct an auction. One word of caution, take the time to go through papers, pockets, purses, etc. I found hundreds of dollars hidden away, important documents under the mattress, canceled checks and bills dating to the 1950's and Mom's Social Security number written on dozens of slips of paper she used to remind herself of the info!

Its been 2 years and I am still selling or giving away items from the house. 67 years of marriage leaves a lot of memories.

Congrats on your mom's financial planning, my parents lived like tomorrow would never happen! We are using the money from the sale of the house and contents to pay for Mom's AL.

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Yyeah, I'm a little worried about the house insurance, I called her insurance agent once she was officially in Asssisted Livng this spring. We had just renewed her homeowners insurance a couple of months previous. She's done business with these people forever, had her car ins there until we sold her car recently. Now this is a major nationwide insurer. I told them Mom was not living there, and I or my siste would only periodically be there to take care of things. This is a small town, and they know mom pretty well. And they said, well we dont insure vacant homes, but dont worry about it until you need to renew next year. This town is on the Gulf coast, near Houston, so issues like possible hurricane wind damage are a possibility, do t have many problems with flooding in her area. Hopefully it's not a issue if we need to make a claim. She has great neighbors, they look out and park cars in the driveway. They are one of the reasons she was able to stay in her home so long.

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I don't understand the guilt. She does not understand what is happening. The longer you wait the harder it is going to be as you get older. Start the process. My husband's family can't agree about anything. All I know is that I am done. I am a full time teacher, mom and wife and my mil has lived with us roughly 5-6 years of our 15 year marriage. I am resentful and she is so miserable and scared all the time. It's easier for me because she isn't my mom. I love her but she is no longer who she once was, it's like going back in time and having a toddler. Most of the time she is fairly placid. Our big issue is with the bowels like mentioned by others and her constant need to know the day of the week and if everyone is going to be home tonight. It is so easy to judge our situation from the outside and say that she belongs in a home and it's not fair and yes some of that has merit, but I also feel guilty not taking care of her. Most cultures take care of their family. It's all just gotten so overwhelming and now it's affecting our 13 year old daughter. My husband's siblings don't help. The older sister calls twice a year and has her friend pick up her mom take her out and bring her back to us. The eldest brother is always looking for some kind of financial gain, never had a solid job in his life, so it's left to my husband and I to do most of the work. His brother takes her every other week but she is not taken care of there the way she is over here. I refuse to leave her on her own for any reason. They leave her ALL the time. Sometimes for several hours. Anyway, if I had my way the house would be gone through, an estate sale company hired, everything sold and put on the market as is. I don't want to money into it because it's going to be completely redone by anyone who buys her. It hasn't be refurbished or fixed up since 2003. It's filthy, full of old clothes and other crap since 1965. The houses go for over a million if done up but we need money now to get her into a home. I feel for you but if you have time to do it on your own terms I would get started. Your mom is not going to know the difference, unfortunately. I feel for you. The positive in all of this is that my sister and I are having these uncomfortable conversations with my mom now rather than after it's too late. Good luck! - Mamabear

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According to your description of where she is at with dementia, I would initiate the sale of the house by going every so often to start clearing out family stuff you want to keep; load up your car with stuff you want your family members to look at and keep or give away. Maybe one weekend every 3 months or so for your sister to help go through stuff. After you take out what you want to keep for family, hire a cleaning person/crew to thoroughly clean the house and put it up for sale. She is not going back. She won't know what to keep or sale. You will have to make those decisions,as her family will have to say what they want. Get the house off your back. You have enough to carry. Believe me, she won't know what you are doing, she won't care. I put all my husband's favorite oil paintings, pictures, do-dads in his room, and he never knew, and he wasn't in memory care, just assisted living. Start the process, find a way. Yes, if she falls you will have to be there. But, I don't know where she is, but my husband's facility wanted a copy of the medical care document, and he was taken to emergency room twice without me being there. They did call me and told me he was going, but I didn't need to be there. Which I got there about the time he did. But with giving the facility a copy of the medical directive, they can initiate immediately what/where to take loved one without delay.
And as for the house, I priced my manufactured home to sell, not to make a profit, but to get it off my back. If I had more time I would have kept for a few years to get a better price, but what would I have to do during that time: pay taxes, keep up outside, not be there if there was a water leak. Not good. I lowered my price again, just to get it sold. Sold right away. And I left the house partially furnished.

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I went through this with my mom’s house as well, and I was going to answer this question but Joann already said everything I was going to say, so I’ll just echo it here.

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Due to covid, a LOT of doctor/hospital issues are being carried out over the phone, so IF something happened to her, if you have pics of the necessary documents (insurance, POA, etc) on your phone, you'd be able to send those to the necessary person. I'd go start working on her house. It will give you something to do to take your mind off things.

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I have pics of all Mom's cards, ID, etc on my phone. Plus digital copies of the POA and MOPA in case I am called to the hospital in the middle of the night.

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Soon after my sister and I moved our parents from central PA to SW OH, we sold the house (fortunately, an easy process because the next-door neighbor wanted it as an investment to rent out). Although our parents had a healthy investment portfolio, I figured it made sense to get rid of anything that required spending money to maintain (as opposed to investments that generated income). It was obvious neither of our parents would ever be able to get back there again, and although we moved all the furniture, etc. out, we were able to sell it in OH where there were consignment stores, etc., so all the proceeds went to help cover the nursing home expenses. Occasionally our mother would ask about the house, and because me sister and I occasionally visited the area where they had lived, we could tell her that it was receiving excellent care, and people were living in it and enjoying it (which was all true, and the buyer would give us updates). I would tell our mother that the house looks "happy" which seemed to satisfy her.

One can't keep everything, and decisions have to be made based on logic and pragmatism rather than emotion, especially in the case of houses and other large or expensive possessions.

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Dear "Gracie61,"

I agree with "JoAnn29."

When my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2014 at the age of 89, I started looking for an ALF. Once I found one, we moved her in and then I started going through her house to get it ready to sell. I had to sell it "as is" to an investor because the house was built in 1958 and we couldn't afford to have it remodeled. Once she was moved, I never brought it up again nor did I drive her by it. The investor had it completely remodeled and I didn't want to upset her by seeing how different the home we lived in since 1968 was no longer as we knew it. The money I got for selling the house is what I use for her rent and necessities.

My mom is now 95 1/2 and in her second ALF in their memory care wing. She likes her one bedroom apartment and that's as good as it's going to get. Prior to COVID, I would just take her on short drives near the ALF and to doctor appointments but never, ever anywhere near our old neighborhood. I can't even handle it as it was the only home I had known since I was 6 years old when my dad's employer transferred us here from Illinois.

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Thanks, everyone. There's just a lot of guilt over how things were promised to her when we talked about Assisted Living and how things are. Really no ones fault, best of intentions for everyone. She had some falls, one serious, covid-19, and her dementia progressing faster than I anticipated, causing the move to Memory Care area from the Assisted Living side.
The virus is probably causing the most havoc, which nobody can do anything about. Not having the in person contact, not being able to bring her to my house for Sunday dinner, her not interacting with her grandkids and great grandkid( which always has been important to her.) We've always been a close family, actively participating in each others lives. Receital - a group us is there, holidays- who is hosting- elementary school event, sports game or fundraiser, she was there plus others. I dont know how the upcoming holiday season is going to play out. I cant imagine her not being at my house on Christmas Day or Thanksgiving. Her 90th birthday is in October......
Sigh.

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I’m sorry for what you are going through Gracie. As Alvadear so aptly has put it many times, it’s not guilt you are dealing with, as you haven’t done anything wrong. It’s grief. You are grieving the losses of your mom, even though she is still living, the person she was and the places that were important to her and to your family are gone. Perhaps you can make plans with your sister, your adult children, etc. to take a weekend and go to Mom’s house and to “say goodbye” to the home, claim the items that are really important and then hire an estate sale company to deal with the rest? or after everyone has gotten the things that are important and you have had a gathering to remember together, then you will be able to make decisions about the rest. It may even be easier to let your children do the final clean out because they will not be as emotionally attached as you are?

We helped my aunt/uncle clean out a 4000 sq ft home in 4 days. They had to downsize 50 years of marriage and that house full of stuff, to a 2 bedroom apartment in IL. Plus a barn and 5 car garage! We were not as attached to the items as they were so we could make more objective decisions. It was still hard, but easier for us than them.
beat wishes!

Mom in memory care, suggestions for her house?

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