After Dad died Mom was too unsteady on her feet and forgetful to continue living at home. The family could not care for her around the clock every day. Now she is in assisted living. She complains about me "getting rid of her" so I do not have to be bothered. She complains about the food, the stupid activities, how staff talk to her, following a meal schedule, aides that do not know anything etc. Mom continually says she wants to give up and die, and that I would like it if she did. There isn't anything I can say or do that really pleases her. I have power of attorney and take care of her health concerns as well. She is wearing me down emotionally and physically.
Some days, you don't have talk to her, but to the staff instead on how she is doing. And check things behind the scenes
That statement is a universal truth. The people we love and/or for whom we are responsible would often choose not to be old, not to be dependent, not to be taken from familiar surroundings , not to be given few if any choices, not to be individually entertained and catered to, and the list goes on, and on and on.
As adults who are the responsible parties, we need to choose to provide for them in the safest, most humane way we possible can, then do that. Then we must decide (DECIDE) and choose (CHOOSE) to resign ourselves that we have been given or taken on a job that is often thankless and at times heartbreaking.
Finally we must allow ourselves to realize that the complaints are about things we have no ability to change, and if we did change things, the complaints would remain, or change, or increase, so we as caregivers must be aware that, however painful, her comments are not directed at us but at loss, and confusion.
And then, we can make visits brief, and bring some interesting, attractive thing or thought or bit of gossip to discuss, and if conversation fails or wanes, we can have a reason ready to excuse ourselves and leave.
After a little over a year and a half of comparable visits I have found myself being grateful to arrive, check my LO, share some semi-planned conversation, and leave.
Hopefully you will soon find a comfort level that will release you from the wear and tear. My sleeplessness and blood pressure have both returned to relatively reasonable levels. Don’t expect to make things better. “Better” isn’t an available option. “Safe”, “clean”, and “available” you and she can count on where she is.
Hugs and hopes. You are doing what she needs.
You must remove yourself from the negativity. Being around constant complainers is bad for your health. My husband and I had to do this with my FIL who is just like your mother. We have cut down on both the frequency and duration of visits because we left feeling depressed.
We also try to keep our interactions with FIL in public because when he gets us in private the complaining starts. For Thanksgiving we took him to his brother's house where he was the perfect guest. When we got in the car to take him home, he started complaining. I rolled down my window and turned on Delilah because, after having such a lovely holiday, it was the only thing that stopped me from shouting "Shut the F up". Sadly, I have little patience left for him.
Learn to dismiss her complaints quickly. Say something like "That's too bad" or "I've got to get on with my day", give her a kiss and leave. She will either figure out that her complaining is not working at getting her the response she's fishing for, or she won't. Either way, you benefit.
You will not change her, all you can do is set some boundaries for yourself and enforce them.
You are not responsible for her happiness, it is an inside job, it is up to her. If you could be a fly on the wall and listen to what she says when you are not there, you might be amazed, everything might be hunky dorie...you are her go to complaint department.
My brother and I just had a sit down with his father and his wife, chronic food complainers, we are done with that, if they don't stop the 24/7 complaining about the food, we will no longer have meals with them. They complain about the dumbest things, the ball is in their court.
She's sort of like a toddler, "If I whine and fuss and temper tantrum, maybe she'll change her mind . . . and let me have what I want (Out of here)" But it's not good for her, so she has to stay here, and that's that.
She's not going to stop, and as you said, nothing you say or do will please her, so back away for a bit and let her accept that this is her life. She can make it good or continue to whine, but for your own mental health and well-being, you can't let her take it all out on you.
{{{Hugs}}} your way!