Is there a way to get my Mom to talk about something other than all the things that are wrong?

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Is there a way to get my Mom to talk about something other than all the things that are wrong?

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I feel your pain. My father is the same way. I never hear anything good. He watches CNN (all bad news) or baseball (if his team is losing, he turns it off). Says there is nothing else on tv when I tell him there are other things to watch. He wants no social interaction with "people his age" or anyone really. Yes, he is depressed, but decided to stop taking his antidepressant because he can't swallow them fast enough so they dissolve a little and burn his throat. Then he has that to complain about. I am reading the answers here. We all seem to be in good company.

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SO understand all of you who have either stopped visiting or limited visits. If I didn't I'd have to change my name to GetnWeak. : ) Interestingly, I spent last evening going through cards which I'd saved from my aunts (her sisters) who were in ALFs as she is, or at home but in bad shape. Yes, they spoke of their infirmities, but talked about all the things to do at the ALF, etc. They accepted the changes brought by old age. Mother accepts nothing. She is nearly blind and deaf, but there are so many worse off than her, who are still pleasant and sociable.
All her frustration and anger is directed at me, and it sucks the life out of me, so I pull back. At my age (soon to be 73) I feel I have a right to enjoy my own old age, and pray that when my time comes, I can be gracious like my aunts, not bitter and angry like my mother. Meanwhile, I do what she needs, but leave when she starts to put me down, or my children. She has driven them away, and then complains that she never hears from them. So sad, and when she dies, I think I will cry for the relationship we never had, not for her death.

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You are not responsible for your mother's happiness. Or in this case, misery. If she has always been this way, I doubt if she'll change now, as she ages. I feel badly that you have to listen to her. Put on the car radio when she is with you. Read when you are at her doctor's. At her house, do little chores, that take you in and out of whatever room she's in.it doesnt sound like you can just sit and talk with her.

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Excellent topic and I find comfort in knowing this issue seems more common than I thought in the beginning. Not sure why I expected anything different as my Mom has always been a glass half empty person. That said, our roles are now reversed and I want to be able to live with myself after she is gone. So I use techniques to keep myself whole as a top priority. First, acceptance of this current life situation. We can't change their behavior. We can change our reaction and our personal emotional state. Yoga, meditation and breathing exercises keeps my own personal resilience in check. Being able to flip the switch in my head back to a positive state is totally up to me. I find talking about the good times helps to change the subject. Bringing her flowers, bring a good movie DVD to watch while visiting. What I have learned is a bad visit can't drain me unless I let it. My Mom and stepdad have their own home 2 miles away. She would have me their all day every day. We talk on the phone multiple times a day and I visit every other day.

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The negativity is very common. I try to redirect when she does or even when she brings up the same topic over and over. Mom is still living with me at the moment but on a waiting list for a care facility. It is exhausting and challenges me to the core. I too have come to the conclusion that I cannot change her or her illness. But I need to release myself from the guilt.

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Dear Helpmemom, sorry you are dealing with this stress. There are a lot of comments suggesting that you could do more to help your mom, but I am guessing you are doing a ton. It does sound like she is depressed but it could also just be her personality for whatever complex reasons. I am dealing with a similar situation and it is overwhelming to me. I am an only child and want to help my mom be happy but it seems futile at times. She refuses to take anti-depressants but I am probably going to need them soon. Good luck to you. Check out some of the posts on narcissism and see if they apply.

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My mom is a lot like this. She is 88, with dementia and living in an AL facility. She complains about being bored, nobody comes to visit, she has a terrible cold, the other residents aren't friendly. I know that the staff takes her to an activity two or three times each day, other residents are chatting in the community areas, she does not have a cold, and the sad truth is that except for me and my children, there is no one left to visit her. Her friends, who are as old or older than she is, are homebound or in care facilities. When I ask who she would like to have visit, she often mentions friends who have been dead for as long as 20 years!

She is in a very good facility, and on an antidepressant. I visit once or twice each week and take her to appointments. She makes no effort to get out of her apartment on her own to visit with the other residents or to entertain herself. After several years of this, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot change her, I can only change the way I react to her. As a result, I keep my visits and phone calls short. If she starts complaining, I make up a reason why I need to hang up. Listening to a long litany of complaints is exhausting and stressful.

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I could've written this myself! My mom has been a complainer for as long as I can remember, constantly complaining about my dad, sister, brother, in-laws, mailman, neighbors, ducks, plants. You get the idea. I have come to realize that's the only way she knows how to communicate. I try to change the topic, tell her more about my own day, or just cut the visit or phone call short. Sometimes I feel guilty because I can't wait to get away from her. She has me with a full-time job, my retired sister who lives 500 miles away and visits twice a year, and a very kind aide 2 hours/week who she also detests. She never had a lot of friends or nurtured relationships, instead picking at their imagined faults. It's a lot of pressure, guilt, sadness, responsibility for me without the complaints. I have learned to shut out the complaints/demands and just do what I can.

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Hi, I know exactly how you are feeling and my visits have come to a stop to give myself some breathing space! But if she is in her own home without care, it is so difficult, my mum is in a care home, and with all the 24 hr care still wants or tries to emotionally blackmail me, is there anyone you could employ to take her out to give you a break!.? I so understand where you are coming from, as I feel exactly the same, my mums old neighbours no longer visit because she keeps saying "She wants to die etc, and this is why my visits have now stopped! For now, I hope you can get some respite from this. ; )

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Does sound like she is depressed from missing your father, old age, loneliness and a predisposition, if at al possible ask if the doctors will see her about that condition. There may be some help with taking a mild antidepressant. Don't forget old people react strongly to medication so don't let her get over medicated, but just the right dose would take the edge off, not solve everything but definitely give more energy and take off the worst of the edge.

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Perhaps she needs understanding, sympathy and empathy instead of being shot down every time she complains. She is most likely depressed and anxious because you all stay away from her which only makes it worse. Then you took her only mode of transportation away. She has a right to complain with uncaring, unsupportive people shunning her all the time. Perhaps your father was passive aggressive and gave her the silent treatment every time she had a valid complaint. (Look up passive aggressive men) Perhaps you need to look into whether her complaints are valid or not. Take her seriously and then find out what she use to enjoy doing and help her to find herself once again.

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My mom goes from one extreme to the other complains about her friends, the lawn service, the doctor, says she's foggy, weak (she's sharper and more energetic then me, she uses a walker but she runs with it. Then she'll start talking about how blessed she is and how she knows God takes care of everything and goes off on long religious conversations that even though I share her beliefs bore me to death.
She escalates every twinge she may feel to be a serious health issue.

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I have noticed that the ego is the last thing to go.

You might want to ask her about things that she did well. "Hey, mom, how did you do this or that?" It doesn't matter whether you care about the answer particularly, but it can get her off on a topic that she does feel good about. I often ask my mom about her childhood (hundreds of stories) and that occupies her without negativity for quite while.

And, of course, I always have to suggest medication. My mom was an impossible nuisance untill she got on the right meds. Have you had her evaluated? Trust me on this one: it is worth it. The right meds can turn things around overnight.

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Maybe a geriatric psychiatrist could help.

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She probably didn't drive the car because she couldn't, not because she didn't want to. Maye antidepressants would help. Ask her Dr, take her there, and insist that she go. You mother sounds like she is in a very dark place.You need to help her.

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She is wanting you to fill the void and do everything for her because she is depressed as hell and does not feel up to it herself. That does not mean you actually try to do it all for her, but just take the perspective that she has become seriously depressed and needs treated for that and act accordingly. Depression is a very debilitating disease, and she probably was mildly chronically depressed before losing your dad and now its blossomed into what you are seeing now. I suspect that as things stand she has no more capacity to see her way out of this negative thinking and the box she has put herself in than the man in the moon.

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HelpMeMom, sounds like your Mom needs to be around people of her own age group.... she is bored, so she complains to get attention. Any Senior Centers that are nearby? Any chance of her moving to Assisted Living. Look at all the things she could complain about there, like the children never come to visit, the food is terrible, but it would be to the other residents ;)

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Well, sometimes this can seem like a negative retort, but you could always change the subject to some disaster or other somewhere in the world. Comments such as, "but aren't you glad you aren't living in a country where there's constant fighting - you wouldn't even be able to see a doctor." Or "I just read that there are still people in Nepal who haven't been located after the massive earthquake." Or something similar....change the subject, redirect, and if you have to, babble on for awhile, with other topics of change in the back of your mind if the complaining starts again.

It could also be that she's angry at her state in life now and just wants to vent. But it is an energy drainer.

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Is there a way to get my Mom to talk about something other than all the things that are wrong?

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