My mom 91 passed away 2 weeks go. My dad 95 at the same time was admitted into the hospital now rehab because of multiple falls. He did not go to the funeral because of being in the hospital. And has not mentioned her at all. My brother and I have not told him about my mom. They were married over 70 years and have been together since grade school and had a beautiful love story. My dad has vascular dementia but knows who we are. He fads in and out of reality, but his reality is short. He is disoriented and wants to go home. He has not mentioned my mom. In my heart I think he knows she is not here any longer. A part of him missing when she passed away.
Once he is out of rehab he can no longer go home. He is a fall risk and a danger to himself. He will not listen to anyone and thinks he is ok to take a shower by himself. We had home care for the 2 of them but no longer have it.
My big question is how do you handle the guilt, the concern, the heartbreak of putting a parent into a nursing home. Knowing he is not home, with her is killing me. I know it is the best for him and he is safe but what a way to live out the rest of your life.
Please if you have some thoughts share them with me. A heartbroken daugher.
It's 'funny' but my folks were married for 68 years; after dad died, my mother NEVER asked where he was, even now with advanced dementia at play and insisting her dead siblings and parents are still alive (just ignoring her). I use different tactics when she questions their whereabouts. Last night she called to say she had to hurry over to my house 'because I know papa and my brother Frankie are over there'. So I told her they weren't able to make it over last night, and she calmed down right away & said she'd stay where she was. Use 'therapeutic fibs' and outright lies whenever necessary to keep dad calm IF he questions the whereabouts of his wife. If you tell him she died, you'll have to KEEP telling him that over & over again b/c he'll keep forgetting it. I think they inherently KNOW their other half is gone once they do pass, though, like you said. It's a terrible thing to lose a spouse and then be riddled with dementia; the whole scene STINKS. We do the best we can as daughters but it never feels like 'enough', does it?
My condolences on the loss of your mom and the sorrow you're having over the situation with dad. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace that you'll realize you're doing the right thing.
A couple points:
My mom and dad were in assisted living when she died. My dad was similar to your dad, no short term memory. He would ask about mom. I would use “Therapeutic Fibs”. Oh she’s at physical therapy. She’s in the dining room etc. nor did I take him to her memorial service. There’s absolutely no reason to have dementia elders relive their grief every few hours by trying to explain a death.
As for a nursing home, you now have to do what’s best for dad. There was no way I could take care of two parents in their home on my own and keep them safe, clean, fed ,dispense all the meds and take care of a falling down house.
hugs!!! my deepest condolences to you, regarding your mother.
i wish you well, and your father.
you wrote, regarding nursing home (NH):
"I know it is the best for him and he is safe but what a way to live out the rest of your life."
i understand that sometimes NH is absolutely necessary, there is no choice.
sometimes, there is a choice.
i just wonder if your father really must go to a NH.
it seems so sad, that he must go.
fall risk/danger to oneself.
some people would prefer to have 10 great days at home, rather than 5 miserable years in NH (i'm not saying all NH are bad). i'm only pointing out that some people are miserable in NH.
fall risk? danger? in a sense, someone might say, so what? i'd rather die at home. let me die at home.
i'm just writing this -- but of course i understand sometimes NH is necessary. only you know all the facts.
as for your father being told about your mother's death ---- i think you should absolutely tell him. i really feel he has a right to know, must know.
huge hugs to you.
i wish everything good for you, your father, your family.
happy thanksgiving tomorrow!!
Your dad falling a lot is one of the signs of vascular dementia, and he is now considered a "fall risk," so you must do what ever you can to protect him and keep him safe. And if that means placing him in a nursing facility where he receive the 24/7 care he needs, then you really have no choice, and you have nothing to feel guilty about. People often confuse grief with guilt. What you are actually feeling is grief. Not only for the loss of your mom, but now for a different kind of loss for your dad.
Vascular dementia is the most aggressive of all the dementias, with a life expectancy of only 5 years, and he will only continue to get worse, so rest in the knowledge that he will now be safe, and will receive the care he needs, and you can get back to just being his daughter, and not have to worry about his hands on care.
I also hope and pray that you will take the time needed to grieve the mom you loved and have now lost. God bless you.