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She is in pretty good shape for her age. She is in wheelchair and needs help with meals and personal care. Her mind is still very good for her age. I guess my question should I explore this option or ignore. Her finances are very limited
I would want to understand why she wants to go to a rest home. Is she feeling guilty about the care she's requiring from you? Or does she feel like she needs more help than she's comfortable asking you for? Can you start to gently question her about her thoughts and why she's expressing that desire? That's where I'd start. If she makes good points and it's something you can't resolve, then you could start to do some research. But first I'd want to understand more about why she's talking about that option.
I agree with blannie to try to discover why she's asking about moving to a rest home. Usually it's just the opposite, they struggle even beg NOT to leave home. Does she have any friends in rest homes that are having a positive experience? MYbe she like to socialize? Since she seems clear of mind and her awareness is sharp, maybe she sees or feels the amount of work she's putting you through, whether it's OK with you or not. A little heart to heart convo with mom might help you get to the bottom of it. If her funds are limited, she will have to be on state aid,and that will limit the facilities that are willing to take her. Maybe you could agree on an interim plan, appreciate that she's willing to go to a rest home, but not have her go there until everyone feels that home care has become inappropriate.
Is assisted living out of the question? Maybe she wants some independence from you and would prefer unrelated care, she is of sound mind. Does she have a particular place in mind and does she have friends there?
Trying to figure out what's behind some of the things my mother says keeps me on my toes. I don't know if it's a dementia thing or just her style (passive aggressive), but she rarely comes straight out and says what she means.
So when I read your question, the first thing that came to mind is that your mother may feel like a burden, as others have commented. And my next thought was to wonder if she would benefit from attendance at a day program for the elderly. It would depend on what’s available in your area and the cost of course.
Given her financial circumstances, you might want to speak with her about the type of assisted living or nursing home place where she would have to go. Maybe take her for a visit. And it might put her mind more at ease if you said something about how YOU would feel if she lived where services are quite limited. I know I would be worried constantly and that going to visit and trying to fill in for any gaps in services would take more out of me than having Mom at home.
Another thought is to have someone come in to help a few hours here and there. I read in another discussion on this site that a caregiver hires teenage “babysitters” who charge less than home care agencies. Another possibility could be a neighbor who needs a little extra cash. Some creative problem solving might result in a perfect outcome for everyone. You could let your mother pay for it herself and maybe she would feel less of a burden to you.
Just some food for thought. Blessings to you for a prompt and effective resolution to this issue.
Perhaps she is like my own mother. Mom put my grandmother in a home many years ago. She still insists it was just like a "hotel". Fact was my grandmother was miserable there, and finally lost it mentally. Mom every so often will say she would be better off in a home. She thinks they wait on your every wish. She also says they feed you whatever you ask for. She has this fantasy that it is a place where old people are entertained, and kept happy all the time.
When we were kids, "rest homes" were not the same as nursing homes, and I don't recall there being any assisted-living facilities as we have today. We had several "missionary rest homes" in Chicago, and I'd go on "visitation" with my parents there. I remember their being cozy, wonderful places--large homes with big kitchens filled with warm cookies, living rooms with melodious pianos and lots of laps! I can see why she'd want to go there. There is one such home (not specifically for missionaries) within a 10-minute walk from my house, but they're a rarity. You might see if there's one in your community.
I would try to find out exactly why she thinks she would be better off in a rest home. However, she will get more care in your home than in most other for profit nursing homes, assisted living etc. Assisted living facilities are expensive and if she has limited funds they are not looking for that type of client.
There are decent church run or related nursing homes but even they run for profit.
Good morning, Jimmylinn. I would like to add to what Madeaa said. My 89 year old Mother had limited funds also but was the recipient of assisted living in her own home. Medicaid paid for a lady to come five days a week, hours to be determined by the type of help we requested. Mother absolutely loved Cindy, looked forward to her coming and was glowing by the time she left (2 hours a day). Sometimes our elderly are lonely for outside the home interaction. Just because their bodies have slowed them down; doesn't mean their minds can't appreciate social stimulation. I hope you let us know what you decided.
My MIL and mother are in their 90s. They have both preferred their AL and NH, to living alone. There are activities all day long. And yes, my MILs is like a hotel. I believe that people of their age, have the right to be where they want to be.
Jimmylin, I think she needs reassurance that she isnt a burden, like she is testing you. Sounds like a very sweet woman, what about Daycare? When my Mom went to Daycare she thought she worked there because she has dementia/alz. She felt so fantastic when they told her she would work for a hotel she folded towels so well. She told me over and over with a huge smile. Most will come and get them and bring them home too. Just tell her how much you love her and love taking care of her to make her feel good. At that age they dont think they have any purpose in life. My Mom used to fold laundry for me or put away the silverwear right from her wheelchair, anything to feel important. Good Luck.
Reverseroles, A great suggestion about daycare. I fouled up a few months ago and offered my mom daycare. The therapist who runs the program, told me to tell her that she would be working there, since my mom considers herself a "helper". I told her that, but it backfired. When she asked, "Do you have to pay for it", I told her "yes.". Since she has worked for the local office on aging, she's aware that these programs are paid for by people who are recipients, not workers. She refused since she considers herself "above" needing that kind of help. But, now, since her dementia has gotten worse, day care, despite the expense, might be acceptable to her. I'll do a retry on that idea. My mom is very social and lights up around people. It would do her lots of good, if she will just do it. And, since I'm writing the checks now, she might not even remember that the program has to be paid for. In the last 30 days, her dementia has gotten markedly worse. Thanks for mentioning that.
There are many assisted livings in our area that are like luxury hotels and you pay a price for that type of living situation. If her funds are limited, her options will be limited also. My mother is 90 y/o and talked about a "rest home" before I started to live with her. I think she needed attention but now that I am here she wants to stay in her own home and now I want her to go to assisted living. Just a day by day type of existence for now. Good luck to you.
My guess is that she doesn't want to be a burden to you? Or is she unhappy living in your home? I don't mean to assume anything. You would know your mom best. But normally a mom who wants to would rather live in a rest home is not common. Or maybe she wants to be around people her age. The best thing to do is sit down and have a heart to heart talk and find out why. Hope it all works out for you.
Thanks for all the comments. It has made me think quite a bit. She is unhappy with alot of things about our house. My husband who also has health problems and my children and grandchildren need me and I stay quite busy and can't always include her is what I have to do or take her with me. I know she resents when I have to leave but I always make sure another family member is with her. I have started taking her to the local senior center everyday during the week and this has helped some but as both my husband and I are approaching our late 60's it is not always easy to handle her. We have always been close but our relationship is very rocky at times now. I am thinkling pros and cons. Mom would like the being around people and the structure of you do this at this time etc.I know I am stressed and therefore I react to things she says when I should let it go. I feel guilty about even thinking about putting her in a home but I have almost decided to check it out as it may be what will make her happy. Prayers are needed as I check this path out .
Sounds like a good plan - definitely do what makes her happier rather than what makes you fel less guilty - or else you may feel MORE guilty when you really think about it! I often wished I could have had my parents in my home and even made sure to buy a one-level when we moved 7 years ago. But that was just idealism in our case and I was never able to do it. Mom in particular wanted skilled nursing unless she could be in HER home on HER terms and she would have hated my home for sure. Using facilties rather than home care doesn't sound as homey but sometimes it may be the best choice. When I read how some people consider assisted living places "for people whose families don't love them" it makes me cringe; it is so obviously untrue/simplistic/wrong...you just have to read more stories on here for a while if you don't believe it!
update Have talked to a local nursing home that I would like to get Mom in. It is not an easy process. Her Dr is sending out a social worker to talk to her and hopefully help us if we continue down this road.First thing I have to do is switch her from Humana back to orginal Medicare as the nursing home doesn't work with Humana. Then form from Dr. medical records etc.I asked them about respite care omg that was 350.00 a day who can afford that. I will keep you updated and once again thanks for all the help.
As the Universal Health Care law gets phased in, elder care through Medicare is getting more complex. You might also check to see in your area if there is a private provider who is approved through Humana. Mother was in Oklahoma. Her doctor(s) were very instrumental in getting her approved for placement; but it was not as easy as pre-UCL.
Hi Jimmylinn, I understand how you feel. I have two elderly parents and I admit that when I started taking care of them I felt pressured and didn't have patience with them, but when I stopped to think of it all I realized that they can't help that they are older and I thought about the fact that when I was little they had patience with me. They are sort of like children now. They can't help it if they can't do the things they used to do. I though about the fact that one day I will be old too and wouldn't want anyone to make me feel like I am a burden. Especially my own kids. I want them to want me around and enjoy my company. I bet that deep down she doesn't want to go to a retirement home, but only wants to feel loved and wanted. When I stopped feeling negative about taking care of my parents things changed for the better. I started being patient and understanding with them. My parents repeat themselves a lot, but I never get angry. I just answer their questions again and again. I have to understand that they forget things at their age. And in my case I started to take them with me whenever I had to go out. They love to go with me and it's a way for them to be outside and not cooped in. Remember that your mom is your best friend and loves you unconditionally. And God forbid something should happen to her you don't want to feel guilty. Here is a letter from a Mom to a Daughter that you might like to read. When I read it I promised to never, ever make my parents feel bad in any way ever again. Here it is and hope this helps. :)
Letter from a Mother to her Daughter:
My dear girl, the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through.
If when we talk, I repeat the same thing a thousand times, don’t interrupt to say: “You said the same thing a minute ago”… Just listen, please. Try to remember the times when you were little and I would read the same story… night after night until you would fall asleep.
When I don’t want to take a bath, don’t be mad and don’t embarrass me. Remember when I had to run after you making excuses and trying to get you to take a shower when you were just a girl?
When you see how ignorant I am when it comes to new technology, give me the time to learn and don’t look at me that way… remember, honey, I patiently taught you how to do many things like eating appropriately, getting dressed, combing your hair and dealing with life’s issues every day…
The day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through.
If I occasionally lose track of what we’re talking about, give me the time to remember, and if I can’t, don’t be nervous, impatient or arrogant. Just know in your heart that the most important thing for me is to be with you.
And when my old, tired legs don’t let me move as quickly as before, give me your hand the same way that I offered mine to you when you first walked.
When those days come, don’t feel sad… just be with me, and understand me while I get to the end of my life with love. I’ll cherish and thank you for the gift of time and joy we shared.
With a big smile and the huge love I’ve always had for you, I just want to say, I love you… my darling daughter. All I can say is that I treasure my parents.
Some parents do not love unconditionally. They are not children, they are adults. Children do not have a choice about coming into this world. My mother is my parent and not a "best friend." What is with the big guilt trips, some of us are not saints, just trying to do the best we can.
Hi Madeaa, So sorry if I offended you in anyway. I know that there are many parents out there that are not the way we would like them to be. That is very true. Nobody is perfect except in my opinion God. I was just trying to share my experience with my parents so that maybe Jimmylinn might be able to decide what it best. Only he knows his parents and what should be done. For me my parents are my parents, but they are also my best friends because they love me and understand me no matter what. I don't doubt that you are doing the best that you can. I wish you all the best.
I enjoy my mother being with me most of the time but she is the one who has to decide what she really wants.I do the best I can for her but she always tries to make me feel guilty when I have to leave her for some reason. That is where the tension comes in. I still have to do what I have to do for the rest of my family but the guilt does come.I know she is old and can't help what is going on in her life.I never say a thing when I have to clean her up or clean up after her.I just want her to be as happy as she can be with what is going on in her life.Continue to pray
I will definitely keep you in my prayers. Only you know her best. I completely understand how you feel. I believe that you will do the right thing and want her to be happy. You are a good person. It's normal to feel guilty. Sometimes I still feel guilty now and then when I do things without her. We can't be there 24/7. So we do the best that we can. Don't worry too much. Things will work out. They always do. And most of all pray. I do believe that prayers can move mountains and for God all things are possible. Have a wonderful Sunday. :)
The part about remembering what parents did for us and our obligation to honor them has some truth to it, of course... and yet, like the common advice to not ask for an easier life but instead ask for strength to handle the hard things in life, it has to be qualified...As in NOT WITHOUT LIMITS. Not without boundaries. Not when the caregiver is being destroyed by it. Letting your parent destroy your life or your marriage does not honor them. They raised you - or should have raised you -not as slaves to themselves and to the past, but for the future, for living your own life and for giving life to the next generation. Very, very few people if any on here are just mildly annoyed or bothered by the difficulties of caring for their parents and wanting to weasel out of a reasonable degree of obligation. Most people are here because they desperately want to do right, but past and present circusmtances and sometimes consciously made decisions of the one being cared for make doing what they really want to do, what they really think or thought they were supposed to do, impossible to continue. We even had a situation where the elder was comitting child abuse and the caregiver had to ASK whether she still "had to" keep their elder at home....the answer was not just "you don't have to" but "YOU CAN'T."
My parents were not close, defintiely not my best friends, though they loved me - in their critical-concerned (mom) and detached but proud of you because mom calls the shots (dad) way - but understanding and emotional support was never something they had to offer. Nevertheless, I was an only child and it would have been wrong to not assume the responsbility for my parent's finances and care. But it might also have been wrong to try to care for either or both of them at home when they needed much more than I could have done and Mom in particular did not even want that. I hung in with her, while hubby was supportive but could not physically do that much with her care or mobility needs, favored gransdon would visit, and criticized grand-daughter decided to keep her mental health intact and largely stayed away, though not entirely. It would have been wrong not to do the part we each could because we could not do it all, or to do nothing but find a facility and leave her there because we could not do it all, even though that's kind of the way my mom was - if a relationship didn't always go her way, she'd pretty much cut it off. I missed a lot of good times with other family because Mom was like that and it took way too many years of adulthood behind us, looking back, and Facebooking to re-establish what connections we do have now.
Anyone for "do your best, let God do the rest?" :-) Try to do your best to save guilt for the things you really do wrong, not the things you did the best you could but didn't manage to live up to someone else's unreasonable expectations...or your own.
She is probably being a typical mother and not wanting to burden her children with her daily care. My mother was never able to accept my help when it came to toileting "cleanups" or personal things of that nature, but willingly accepts it from strangers. I suspect that is probably the reasoning behind your mother wanting to go to a nursing home, and if it will put her mind at ease you should not ignore her. I would want a say in my future and in who cares for me.
I am checking out a rest home close to our house.She would need to apply for Medicaid to help cover the cost. Question if anyone has had this experience 5 year lookback for this benefit. Property she had was in my name and hers since my Dad passed in the late 90's In 2011 when she was being treated for bladder cancer we put it all in my name so she has no assests will this keep her from getting Medicaid. I have talked to her and she thinks it will be easier for me and that she will feel less lonely with others her age.She is depressed and unhappy and if this will help??Taking it one step at a time
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So when I read your question, the first thing that came to mind is that your mother may feel like a burden, as others have commented. And my next thought was to wonder if she would benefit from attendance at a day program for the elderly. It would depend on what’s available in your area and the cost of course.
Given her financial circumstances, you might want to speak with her about the type of assisted living or nursing home place where she would have to go. Maybe take her for a visit. And it might put her mind more at ease if you said something about how YOU would feel if she lived where services are quite limited. I know I would be worried constantly and that going to visit and trying to fill in for any gaps in services would take more out of me than having Mom at home.
Another thought is to have someone come in to help a few hours here and there. I read in another discussion on this site that a caregiver hires teenage “babysitters” who charge less than home care agencies. Another possibility could be a neighbor who needs a little extra cash. Some creative problem solving might result in a perfect outcome for everyone. You could let your mother pay for it herself and maybe she would feel less of a burden to you.
Just some food for thought. Blessings to you for a prompt and effective resolution to this issue.
Mom every so often will say she would be better off in a home. She thinks they wait on your every wish. She also says they feed you whatever you ask for. She has this fantasy that it is a place where old people are entertained, and kept happy all the time.
There are decent church run or related nursing homes but even they run for profit.
Good luck.
A great suggestion about daycare. I fouled up a few months ago and offered my mom daycare. The therapist who runs the program, told me to tell her that she would be working there, since my mom considers herself a "helper". I told her that, but it backfired. When she asked, "Do you have to pay for it", I told her "yes.". Since she has worked for the local office on aging, she's aware that these programs are paid for by people who are recipients, not workers. She refused since she considers herself "above" needing that kind of help. But, now, since her dementia has gotten worse, day care, despite the expense, might be acceptable to her. I'll do a retry on that idea. My mom is very social and lights up around people. It would do her lots of good, if she will just do it. And, since I'm writing the checks now, she might not even remember that the program has to be paid for. In the last 30 days, her dementia has gotten markedly worse. Thanks for mentioning that.
I feel guilty about even thinking about putting her in a home but I have almost decided to check it out as it may be what will make her happy. Prayers are needed as I check this path out .
an easy process. Her Dr is sending out a social worker to talk to her and hopefully help us if we continue down this road.First thing I have to do is switch her from Humana back to orginal Medicare as the nursing home doesn't work with Humana.
Then form from Dr. medical records etc.I asked them about respite care omg that was 350.00 a day who can afford that. I will keep you updated and once again thanks for all the help.
I understand how you feel. I have two elderly parents and I admit that when I started taking care of them I felt pressured and didn't have patience with them, but when I stopped to think of it all I realized that they can't help that they are older and I thought about the fact that when I was little they had patience with me. They are sort of like children now. They can't help it if they can't do the things they used to do. I though about the fact that one day I will be old too and wouldn't want anyone to make me feel like I am a burden. Especially my own kids. I want them to want me around and enjoy my company. I bet that deep down she doesn't want to go to a retirement home, but only wants to feel loved and wanted. When I stopped feeling negative about taking care of my parents things changed for the better. I started being patient and understanding with them. My parents repeat themselves a lot, but I never get angry. I just answer their questions again and again. I have to understand that they forget things at their age. And in my case I started to take them with me whenever I had to go out. They love to go with me and it's a way for them to be outside and not cooped in. Remember that your mom is your best friend and loves you unconditionally. And God forbid something should happen to her you don't want to feel guilty. Here is a letter from a Mom to a Daughter that you might like to read. When I read it I promised to never, ever make my parents feel bad in any way ever again. Here it is and hope this helps. :)
Letter from a Mother to her Daughter:
My dear girl, the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through.
If when we talk, I repeat the same thing a thousand times, don’t interrupt to say: “You said the same thing a minute ago”… Just listen, please. Try to remember the times when you were little and I would read the same story… night after night until you would fall asleep.
When I don’t want to take a bath, don’t be mad and don’t embarrass me. Remember when I had to run after you making excuses and trying to get you to take a shower when you were just a girl?
When you see how ignorant I am when it comes to new technology, give me the time to learn and don’t look at me that way… remember, honey, I patiently taught you how to do many things like eating appropriately, getting dressed, combing your hair and dealing with life’s issues every day…
The day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through.
If I occasionally lose track of what we’re talking about, give me the time to remember, and if I can’t, don’t be nervous, impatient or arrogant. Just know in your heart that the most important thing for me is to be with you.
And when my old, tired legs don’t let me move as quickly as before, give me your hand the same way that I offered mine to you when you first walked.
When those days come, don’t feel sad… just be with me, and understand me while I get to the end of my life with love. I’ll cherish and thank you for the gift of time and joy we shared.
With a big smile and the huge love I’ve always had for you, I just want to say, I love you… my darling daughter.
All I can say is that I treasure my parents.
So sorry if I offended you in anyway. I know that there are many parents out there that are not the way we would like them to be. That is very true. Nobody is perfect except in my opinion God. I was just trying to share my experience with my parents so that maybe Jimmylinn might be able to decide what it best. Only he knows his parents and what should be done. For me my parents are my parents, but they are also my best friends because they love me and understand me no matter what. I don't doubt that you are doing the best that you can. I wish you all the best.
My parents were not close, defintiely not my best friends, though they loved me - in their critical-concerned (mom) and detached but proud of you because mom calls the shots (dad) way - but understanding and emotional support was never something they had to offer. Nevertheless, I was an only child and it would have been wrong to not assume the responsbility for my parent's finances and care. But it might also have been wrong to try to care for either or both of them at home when they needed much more than I could have done and Mom in particular did not even want that. I hung in with her, while hubby was supportive but could not physically do that much with her care or mobility needs, favored gransdon would visit, and criticized grand-daughter decided to keep her mental health intact and largely stayed away, though not entirely. It would have been wrong not to do the part we each could because we could not do it all, or to do nothing but find a facility and leave her there because we could not do it all, even though that's kind of the way my mom was - if a relationship didn't always go her way, she'd pretty much cut it off. I missed a lot of good times with other family because Mom was like that and it took way too many years of adulthood behind us, looking back, and Facebooking to re-establish what connections we do have now.
Anyone for "do your best, let God do the rest?" :-) Try to do your best to save guilt for the things you really do wrong, not the things you did the best you could but didn't manage to live up to someone else's unreasonable expectations...or your own.
lookback for this benefit. Property she had was in my name and hers since my Dad passed in the late 90's In 2011 when she was being treated for bladder cancer we put it all in my name so she has no assests will this keep her from
getting Medicaid.
I have talked to her and she thinks it will be easier for me and that she will feel less lonely with others her age.She is depressed and unhappy and if this will help??Taking it one step at a time