Mom wants me to buy her things that I can’t afford. What can I do?

"Unfortunately, not enough mom, I have a hard time paying my own bills. Sorry"

Does she forget that she's asked if you don't bring them? If so, perhaps when she asks you could vaguely say, I'm going shopping in a few days without actually saying to are going to get salt or Christmas lights or whatever.

I think the problem is they don't realize how the cost of living has risen in the last few years. Being on SSI does she get food stamps? Big help. Try to explain that what you make just meet ur bills. That you aren't able to afford little pleasures like fast food. My husband retired in 2009. At that time a BK meal was maybe $5. Now it's $8. I buy FF when I have coupons. Set boundaries now or u will have bigger problems later.

Just say, I can't! Maybe later after I pay my bills.

Say "Maybe next week." Not worth fighting dementia. Think of how you might respond to a child's unreasonable request (after you tried logic the first dozen times). It works reliably when my Dad asks to renew his drivers license or buy something he can't afford or go on a frivolous 'errand' I cant spare time for...

Remind her she has a caretaker every day and that you work, so she will have to ask the caretaker to run errands for her.

My, aren't we judgmental and don't we jump to conclusions! Dighby10512, what makes you assume that Hangingon61 necessarily spends money on beer and cigarettes (unless this is the norm in your environment)? Sorry about the situation you had with your siblings, but unless you know the poster I don't see how you can make this assumption. Furthermore, I doubt the poster's mother is counting on an inheritance given the mother's situation.

Sorry, that should have been "...I doubt the poster is counting on an inheritance..."

You do the same thing she did when you were little and wanted every doll, toy or candy that you saw in the store or on TV.
I can't buy that for you now.
We can't afford that now
You already have one just like it and you don't use it.
And a thousand other phrases that she probably said.

Often "we" equate "things" with how much a person loves us. And how well off we are. A loving gesture, a hug, a smile can help ease the disappointment of not getting what we want. Maybe deflect with some home made cookies or other treat that you can bring next time you visit.
Just remember that "NO" is an appropriate word to use.

My parents told me and my siblings no plenty of times.
Perhaps some elders just don't get it when the caregiver tries to explain financial limitations?
I think most of us who post here try to do our very best for those we care for.
I guess we all get up on the wrong side of the bed sometimes and feel cranky but maybe we need a redo
and a rethink.

Show her the numbers. My elderly aunt wants everything under the sun and then complains that I won't give her money. I set her up on a budget and she will have to deal with the budget. I buy her everything she needs and most everything she wants except her cigarettes.......which is why I get nasty comments and am treated like a piece of poop!!!

Not kidding. She's your mother! Take care of her!

When I talked with Mom about her finances (I take care of them) and there were a few times money was tight. "But my house is paid for," she'd say. "Yes, but just owning a house costs a lot of money," I'd respond.

I'd point out the taxes, the insurance, utilities, and maintenance-preventive maintenance, her food, etc. She never understands. Hangingon61, There's nothing more you can do except keep saying, "I can't." Hang in there.

Dighby had a bad experience and is obviously still bitter; probably doesn't sleep well (he's posting at 5:30 am). I'm sorry for your loss, Dighby...  Most of the rest of us understand what is being discussed here; the never ending requests/demands some elders make of their family/friends. My mom got to borrowing money from me, neighbors, hskkpr - anyone she could, because she doesn't manage money well, never has. The truth is that a lot of years here in this small town she had more income, even tho it's only SS than we did! So a couple of us gave her good sums of cash for Christmas last year and caught her up; did it again this year... she says it makes all the difference, but we told her NO borrowing. If she asks for something, I ask her if she can pay for it; if not, she waits, unless it's an urgent need; it's working!

Sorry, I just got the image of Mom asking for salt so she doesn't slip on the driveway, and the offspring saying salt is too expensive, please slip and fall. Salt is $3.99 for a 40 pound bag. Buy it and spread it with love. It's not like she's asking for a turbocharged Lotus.

Probably a combo of the constructive ideas here is what you will need but I'm not clear about your moms medical issues, not sure if she has any memory problems and some of these things may not work as well if she doesn't. Two other things that occurred to me, first maybe beating her to the punch (so to speak) and sharing with her your struggle this week the way you would any friend your are confiding in, for instance "I don't know what I'm going to do, they aren't giving raises this year and my rent increased" "I like my place and it's so close to you, I don't want to have to move but things are so tight" "I work full time and so hard but am just barely making ends meet, I feel like I should be able to put something away for ---- I work hard enough but I just don't make enough" anyway you get the idea. Share these things before she asks for favors (not all at once, you need weekly sharing points, lol) so you aren't connecting the two or using these things as reasons for not being able to help but rather including her as someone you are sharing your life concerns with. If dementia isn't an issue for her maybe these things will make her think before asking you to help her financially and give you both a partner in life's struggles.

The other thing that occurred to me is perhaps your mom's requests are less about needing/wanting the items or feeling entitled and more about wanting the attention or missing some feeling she used to have at some point in life, maybe her husband used to bring her special food or care for her in little ways (like clean off her windshield when it snowed) or maybe it's just that now that she doesn't get out much or around at home even as much, isn't able to do as much and her her time isn't filled the way it once was, she's looking for ways to get you there or simply things "she needs" are filling her head because other day to day things aren't. Maybe again getting ahead of her request and doing little things that don't need to be purchased, take some photo's over, make cookies, cut some evergreen branches and arrange them in a vase, IDK I'm just stabbing at things not really making suggestions but maybe just you doing something for her that the caregiver who comes would normally do, change the pillow cases and fluff them up for her (make a big deal out of making her extra comfortable). Does she have a pet? Is that a possibility? Something to care for that gives attention back and lives with them full time is often makes a huge difference in a seniors life but that is also a big decision and you need to consider many things before committing to that so just something to consider. Now I want to be very clear here, I am in no way suggesting or thinking that you aren't doing enough or being attentive enough, I am not suggesting that you are slacking or lacking in any way shape or form. When I suggest the need for extra attention or the appearance of extra attention it is more about an increased need or changed perception on her part not something you are or aren't doing. I think this happens to most of us at some point as our loved ones get older and become more needy. Also just to think about, has this started since the hired caregiver started or was there a change in caregivers that started any of this? Maybe it's connected either to the way this person does things or simply having an "outsider" hired caregiver doing the things she and family members have always done. It might be worth talking to her primary, a social worker or coordinater or some medical/elder professional that knows her, you and the situation about. They may say it's a common thing and have proven methods for helping you with the situation. You never know, you would think I'd be used to finding that issues I assumed were specific to us (my family) are common and someone on her medical team (she has enough doctors that it's really a team) has a simple method for fixing it but I never do get used to it. Hope something here helps, it is important you remeber to keep taking care of yourself and your life needs. If your life is in turmoil you can't be as supportive and helpful in hers so taking care of your basic needs (beyond basic), keeping your life in order is directly taking care of her and not selfish in any way shape or form. If you are basically happy in your life you are going to be far better prepared to take better care of her and make her life better.

Are these things she truly needs or just wants? I know Fast Food isn’t a necessity of life (unless it’s a Big Mac) but if she has visitors, she may need salt for her porch. When my mom lived on her own, I bought a gallon of household cleaner and gave her some. It was cheaper than the smaller bottles. My mom asked for stuff too, but she always paid her way. Show mom your receipts. Show her your budget and billing statements. Maybe if she understands how up against the wall you are, she’ll offer you a few bucks. N

Hangingon- Do you know if your mother qualifies for food stamp? Since she's on SSI, I think she might be. It's a couple hundred dollars a month that can help pay for her grocery. That way she can use her SSI money for other stuff she wants/needs. Check with the county where she lives. They can walk you through the application process. Good luck. ((hugs))

One thing I forgot to ask. Do you know how and what your mother spends her money on? Can she pay for her own stuff? The reason I ask is that my 81 y.o. Alz mother GIVES her (SS) money away randomly to visitors, and when she runs out she asks me to go withdraw more at bank. And when she runs out of money, she gets mad. Now I tell her only my brother who comes once a week knows how to withdraw money for her. So we limit the amount of money she has to give away. When I tell her not to give money away, she denies doing it even though she does it in front of me. So, my point is to know what she spends on and if she can pay to buy things she asks for then she should pay, not you.

Dighby10512 - I see you posted later comments, which I will address first. The last of those is more in line with suggestions or normal comments for this forum. Despite the contrition in that last post, your first post still stands and is very hurtful. For that first post: Who peed in your cheerios this morning (or is it like this every day for you? If so, I feel sorry for you.)?

There is NO call for you or anyone else on this forum to post judgmental comments like yours. As others have stated, you have NO idea what the financial circumstances are for either woman. THINK before you post!!! Also, do NOT assume that everyone else's situation is the same as your own. Perhaps instead of jumping to conclusions (wrongly!) you could start by inquiring to get a better feel for the situation. Ask and learn something.

Using the analogy of taking care of your child/baby does NOT equate to this situation. Babies do not have jobs or income and are dependent on the parent(s) to provide for them. When money was VERY tight when my kids were little, necessities were covered first, even if it meant I did without something; the WANTS were often denied or perhaps came later as funds were available. There are PLENTY of times that one has to say NO to children. We do not want to, but sometimes that is life and they need to LEARN that!

ASSUMING the poster wastes her own income on beer and cigarettes is presumptuous. Again, you do NOT know her circumstances, income or expenses and you have NO business passing judgement on her. If she has a minimum wage (or even a bit better than that) job, normal necessary expenses can easily exceed that income. It is NOT always about wasting one's own money.

The mom has SS and SSI income. Mom DOES NOT NEED fast food to survive. She should have enough money of her own for cleaning supplies and salt as those are NORMAL expenses, and as noted in your last post, these items are not that costly. What is MOM spending her money on? Perhaps she is the one who spends it on beer and cigarettes or other wasteful things? Did you even consider that? It is clear that the poster is concerned and doing her best to help care for her mom. She was just looking for advice on how to stop mom asking for things she may not even need.

Using salt has NOTHING to do with shoveling BTW - I have shoveled and plowed my own stairs and driveway, however the intense cold has left behind ICE everywhere - I am NOT buying salt for myself and plan to use what is left sparingly on the stairs.

You say: "You people make me sick." - People like YOU are the ones who make me feel ill. Congress is full of people like YOU (Sen. Grassley was recently quoted saying that we are not millionaires like them because we spent every darn dime on booze, women and movies - as if.... I sent him a wake up call on that!) Others who are well-to-do in the country are also clueless. Not everyone makes the big bucks, raises are mostly non-existent and costs are always going up... It is only getting worse.

As others have said, obviously there is no inheritance to be had if mom is living on SS and SSI. Projecting your own experience onto others is WRONG. If you want to spew hateful comments, go find a hatedotcom site and stay off this forum!

Hangingon61 - you did not indicate, and your profile does not say, if you mom has any cognitive issues (like dementia). If she is still of sound mind, then you should be able to sit down with her and show your income and expenses, and explain how you cannot afford these things. If she has dementia, that idea is out the window as she likely will not remember any of the discussion. Does she pay for her own expenses? Is there any way to look those expenses over and find a way to cut costs or save enough to cover little necessities she asks for such as the occasional fast food, salt and cleaning supplies? Is she, like another poster said, doling out money to others when she should not be doing that?

I have some ideas on this one.

What I would suggest a sit down with your mom and make a list of where all of her money is going.

Start with the amount you know she gets from SS and SSI. Start with that amount combined for both checks.

Now, deducted every single amount that's coming out all that money, this will be a subtraction problem on paper. If she happens to have a notebook or better yet, the receipts or bank statements, you can add them to the paperwork and compare everything. By the time you deduct everything coming out of the checks, you'll have the answer to what's left over but compare it with a calculator at the end. Now, ask your mom where all of her remaining money is going and see if she may be wasting her money through unnecessary spending with her extra money that supposed to carry her through the end of the month.

Another thing you can also do is your own homework with your own paycheck before meeting with her. Do the same thing for your own budget, subtract everything that comes out of your weekly paycheck and you'll have the answer to how much money you have left over. That way when you're done meeting with your mom and talking about her budget, you can show her your budget at the end of that meeting and explain, "this is why I can't afford to buy you stuff." Now, you can explain to her that you're no better off than she is. Since she's on federal benefits, you may talk to her about an able account since the able act became law a while back. Putting all of her savings into enable account especially if you happen to have one in Tennessee which is free since there's no maintenance fee, you can have her send all of her savings to an able account after bills and groceries. The money in her able account will help her have a better life experience and save for things she needs later on that she can't currently afford. Now, the only thing to worry about is if something happens to her, Medicaid may grab those funds, so I would put a very low amount in the able account but just enough to get her through whatever she may need later. You can also help her to use some of her money to set up her own funeral disposition pre-need arrangements and pay on a funeral policy accessed by your local funeral home. Make them the owner but you pay your own bill each month. You don't want to be stuck with an unexpected expense if your mom suddenly dies, so think about this even in your own financial hardship. If you think you have it hard now, try coughing up money you don't have if you want expectedly lose a family member and don't know where you're going to get that money. This is why your mom should have a pre-need set up so you're not faced with even more financial hardship later on. I have a friend in the field and he faced that very thing when the family had no money and neither did the state. The funeral home in this type of case takes a very hard-hit and too many of these types of cases can actually put a funeral home out of business. It can also be hard for you to stand by and watch if you happen to actually know someone in the field and there's not a thing you can do about it, you're rendered powerless if you're having your own financial hardship. Anytime you're having a financial hardship, not only can you not afford to buy stuff for other people much of the time, but you sure aren't going to be able to cover an unexpected funeral or even medical expense if you can't even cover your own. This is something to think about because it sounds like your mom really needs not only a budget plan, but also some form of arrangements to cover herself and spare the rest of the family unexpected future expenses they can't afford to cover. Another thing to consider is if you happen to have family who are very well off, they may not even be able to cover the unexpected expenses either if they're trying to save for their own retirements. Even if they're retired, they must make their money last the rest of their lives and they must spend sparingly from the life savings. These are all things to think about.

Now here's an idea you can consider:

If your mom needs something, have her set aside a certain amount of money each month. If you can afford to sometimes help her, you can do what a friend of mine did with me when I wanted a VCR. What he had me do is have a certain amount of money every week or two or once a month, whatever time he set aside to take me up to where the VCR was in layaway. He said that if I set aside and paid half, he would pay the other half and together we got me that VCR. He helped me pick out a good one so it would last for years and it was a Toshiba. This is what you can do if your mom sees something she wants or needs. You can do the same thing with her if you think you can handle this. Just have her set aside a certain amount within a certain timeframe and you can set aside the other half of whatever the cost is of the item and both of you can pay half. That way, you work as a team like me and my one friend did many years ago. Now if you have another family member who can also contribute as long as she contributes, then she pays a third of whatever it is she's trying to buy, you pay a third and your husband for who all ever else in the family is chipping in pays a third. The more people chipping in towards the item, the cheaper it will be to get that item because no one is being financially drained. What you can't have is maybe a group account where everyone chips into that account but only one person manages it. When there's enough money in the account to get that item, just take your debit card and go get that item for her. I don't normally recommend having a shared account but have a separate account where only one person proven trustworthy with money is the only one over that account so no one else can drain that account. This will only work if you have someone trustworthy but it won't work if whoever's over that group account is not trustworthy. People can deposit into it but only the trustee can withdraw from it. Make sure whoever that trustee is over the group account chipping in to that account is actually trustworthy or it won't work.

Another thing you can also do is give your mom a piggy bank or a lock box and put it up somewhere if the group account won't work. A lockbox will generally work just fine or you can actually have her bank account set up where she can deposit into savings and have to come into the bank to release those funds when it's time to buy whatever it is she's trying to get. I would highly recommend though putting her savings into a bank as far from home as possible and having no debit card for her to spend her savings foolishly. Only set it up to where she gets what she needs when it's time to withdraw. Tennessee able accounts are free with no maintenance fee, but you also have no debit card so you can't spend your savings since you can't be tempted as easily. When you go to withdrawl though, you have about a 10 day approximate waiting period, which is enough to discourage you from spending foolishly. That's because you're withdrawl must be processed and it can be a lengthy process. If you're buying something like a car or something else you absolutely need, it's well worth the wait, especially if it's something you need and you know your money is going toward a good cause to benefit you in the long run. 

 One more thing to consider as mentioned here is the idea of putting your mom on food stamps if she doesn't currently get them. Not everyone who gets food stamps will get $200 in food stamps, some people get far far less than that. When you get an annual raise, your food stamps will be cut

Dighby10512,

I'm sure we all understand our parents or guardians raised us when we weren't able to raise ourselves and provide for ourselves. However, just because we all grow up and become old enough to be on our own doesn't always mean we're making it big out there in the world and have loads of money, most people don't. In fact some people have far less than their retired parents and even have children to provide for and kids are not cheap to raise given all of the expenses most young people with children have. Sometimes I don't children cannot spare any extra money when they themselves are barely making it.

It's nice if you can actually afford to help your aging relatives, that's great if you can, it really is. However, not everyone is as well off as you may think, most people aren't. When you have cars being repoed, homes going into foreclosure, and people being rendered homeless, it's time for our country to come up with ways to go after where the money is, get most of it back and help out the Americans. I recall the year when there was a housing crisis and half of the homes in our town we're standing empty. Our town was quickly becoming a ghost town which would've soon become abandoned. I don't recall what was done, but I recall hearing where something was done to stop the foreclosure crisis and people started coming back, hopefully most of them if not all were able to regain their homes where they lived before losing their homes. I hope they were all able to regain their homes and get them back. When you have people losing their homes because there's just not enough money to keep up and keep a roof over your head, there's a problem and it's time for a change. Look at the new move toward tiny homes the government is trying to crack down on along with going off the grid. That's because people are hurting financially and cannot keep up in some cases. When you're hurting so bad financially that you have utilities being cut off especially during seasons where you have extreme hot or cold, it's time for things to start changing. This is exactly why I'm glad Trump is doing a tax overhaul because I'm sure the IRS is taking too many homes from people who just can't afford to keep up who are making an honest effort to pay their fair share. It's about time someone comes along and hits the pocketbook of the IRS and put money back where it really belongs: into the hands of the rightful Americans

Dear God, what exhausting, addled diatribes today!......If mom has dementia and is demanding you bring stuff, she is not in her right mind, she is living in her own world where she still expects visitors to come up the icy steps, and friends and relatives who brought over fast food every week, and so on. If there is not enough money for mom's wants, and she has dementia, you can put her off and say 'next time I come over' . That's all. She won't even remember.......Now, if mom is sharp as a razor and is demanding this that and the other thing, you might as well try, try to have a come-to-Jesus talk about finances. You are doing your best for her now, aren't you? There are people who want everything, when they want it, and expect someone to kowtow to their every need. If mom is still in her right mind, explain there isn't enough money for everything they want, when they want it. But If she has dementia, just say, 'I will be sure to do that' and she won't even remember.....I feel badly for those living on the edge. I try to help out friends and relatives of my own, since I am better off than most of them. I shudder to think what will happen when tRump and his minions cut off food stamps, Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, health insurance, and leave millions to suffer and die while he and his friends fatten their wallets and buy drugs and gold toilets for their bought women. I shudder to think. I'm afraid a very very grim future is ahead, but hey, enjoy!

Caregiving has been going on for a long time, but now it's out in the open. This made me wonder how many caregivers, assaulted their loved ones, because if the stress, they are under! How many undocumented abuse went on! I for one thank God for this site and other materials I find online or going to my pastor or recovery sponsor, how many from yester years, had anyone to talk to, or siblings helping, or for that matter a paid caregiver, married, raising kids, working and trying to take care of a love one. I'm just wondering.

A senior citizen who gets $850 in SS, may get $25 in food stamps. Seniors don't get that much and some has to pay a little something on their medications. So seniors on SSI or SS or both not living as grand as some seem to think. Matter of fact, (this is just a thought🤗) if they are receiving both, I bet $1, they paying more bills.

Have you thought about discussing with your mom about going into an retirement community or assisted living? We have mom in a retirement place that goes by her income. Mom is in an apartment so only have to help with groceries. She only gets 16.00 dollars a month in food stamps.

Discuss with the caregiver who comes to the house.

Provide a very large bucket of eco friendly pellets for the snow. Have the caregiver place in an area where your Mom will not be able to access.

Try to add about 10 minutes to your morning work travel time. If there is snow in forecast, spread the pellets and tell her that's the best you can do for her that day; then stop by on way home to check on the melt pellets.

Again, talk with caregiver about how the day went for her.

When she asks for fast food, tell her that her Dr has told you that there is way too much sodium in fast food and he does not her to have it because the sodium is too hard on her heart and blood vessels. You're not going to buy it for her.

As for your working and making money....remind her about how much she receives for SS. Give her a comparison of what you 'make' and what you have 'left' after bills, groceries, gas, caregiver etc. Make sure the $$ amount comes basically to what she receives.

YES, LIE TO HER!!🤔

As long as she knows she is able to control you by making you feel guilty she will keep doing the guilt trip.

Check the caregiver's daily diary too. If this person is working for a certified caregiving company, they must keep a diary at the house for review. They must log everything they did or issues they had with the person.

Read it back to Mom and make her feel like she is in time out. It's your turn now to be the parent.

Hope this helps. Merge your way into this role. Good luck.

Hanginon,
My Mother would see those magazines,Tabloids at the grocery store check out and always want me to buy her 3 or 4.At $4.99 and up,there ws no way I could afford that and it was just a whim anyway but when Mother truly needed something I did my best to get it for her.All you can do is the best you can.Take care~

I handled it a little different than most. caring for both parents and my husband, I had my hands full day and night. my mother would constantly hand me a list a mile long to pick up almost every day. I would read the list and tell her that I would get it when I went out to store. even though I went shopping I never picked up the items but by the time I got back and went into her room she never mentioned the list or items to me. I would pick up something special that she liked and she was so excited that she forgot about the list.

Digby10512; I am sorry for you that you are so stressed you need to vent as you do. Caregiving is hard enough without climbing all over someone who is doing the best they can with no money.

Hangingon61, as most people have said, If she is In her right mind, just say "no". If she has dementia tell her you will get it the next time you go shopping or something else.

I remember one time my mother, who was in her right mind, was mad because she had a hard time getting in and out of my car. She told me to get one she could get in and out of easier. I just flat out told her "This car is paid for, it is all I can afford and you should be grateful I even have it and pick you up in it". I said it in a calm tone of voice, no need to yell.

My dad used to lie to her about how much things cost because he didn't want her to bitch about cost. She never worked outside the home. When he died it was a HUGE wake up call for her. She was yelling about how much a motel cost. With, "Well, I am not going to stay in something that cost that much money! Jake always found cheaper hotels." I just told her, Dad lied to you because he didn't want to hear you bitch.