My 77 yo mother needs 24 hour care due to a fall. She refuses to go into a facility and insists on recuperating at home. It will be a long recovery, but hopefully not permanent. My brother and I live 3 1/2 hours away and both have full time jobs. We have set up caregivers to come in to her home to help her but she keeps firing them for various unnecessary reasons. For example - she thought one lady moved too slow and talked too much, one of them she just didn't like and another for not being vaccinated for covid even though she is. She lives in a very small community and it is very hard to find caregivers. I have tried to reason with her but she is stubborn. Any ideas on how I could get her to understand that she needs to be a little more understanding of the situation?
1. She fully accepts caregivers in the house as long as she physically needs help. (Notice that is an open ended time line)
2. She willingly agrees to move into Assisted Living until she no longer needs help.
The third option that really is not an option but present it as “food for thought”
She remains at home with NO caregivers and minimal help from you or your brother. You can alternate weekends. When you have to call 911 and she is placed in the hospital you will inform the hospital Social Worker that when and if she is released she is not a safe discharge and you will need help in finding a Skilled Nursing Facility.
If she is NOT competent then she does not have a choice in the matter, you can place her in Assisted Living or Memory Care
* Warn.
* Let them decide.
* Consequences are theirs.
This can be very hard to watch unfold but if you are not her PoA and/or she passes a cognitive exam, then this is how it must be.
Strip any drama out & keep to the facts.
Mom, you need a carer.
At home or facility. You choose. Bro & I work. Won't be us.
She wants to keep control of her life (well... who doesn't!)
Mom, the way you stay INDEPENDANT is by choosing your options & arranging what you NEED. Choosing NO carer is a valid choice too. But that comes with RISK. Risk of falls. Falls mean hospital etc.
For the very stubborn;
* Warn.
* Let them decide.
* Consequences are theirs.
If she is constantly trying to drag you into the equation, you can stop taking all of her calls and don't let her vent about her situation.
Unfortunately, in these situations, the law allows competent adults to make really bad decisions and to pay the consequences for those decisions and that means that we have to step out of the train wreck we see heading our way.
If she doesn't allow the caregivers to help her, she will be deciding that she is willing to live with losing her options and choices, because she will fail and then she will end up in the hospital and then she will end up in a facility. All because she was going to do it her way.
When my mom does this kind of stuff, I stop discussing it and when she gets on me about not discussing her bad choices, I tell her that she is bound and determined to do it her way and I really hope that it works out for her. I have found that she usually decides that, maybe, her way isn't the best way. I am done fighting her and I have found that to be so effective in her seeing there might just be something in what I say. Maybe yours will react the same way when you withdraw from the situation and let her succeed or fail all on her own.
Best of luck getting her the care she needs.