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I'm getting tired of having to stay home taking care of everything here while husband goes out of state to help his elderly mother. Flights are costly so one stays behind while the other goes. We take turns, but I usually only stay 10 days, that's all I can take with all the work there, and having to return home to stuff also. It's not good for our marriage either. Does any of you have the same situation?

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Dixie ,
In one of your replies you said you suggested Visiting Angels and your mother in law says she’s “ not ready for that yet “.
She’s never going to be ready for that as long and you and your husband are her free visiting angels.
Tell her and your husband , it’s time . You can’t be her visiting angel anymore. She has to hire them.
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AlvaDeer Dec 22, 2023
Of course she isn't ready. Why would she be. This is working just fine for her.
To me this is unthinking selfishness. My own parents endeavored all their lives to do ANYTHING not to be burdens to their children. When parents don't do that, then that says it all.
I am sorry, but at some point "what we want" just doesn't figure in the equation. In fact, if you've lived a little while when DID what you want figure in the equation.

I don't understand children who get drawn in this out of guilt, out of bullying, out of expectations of others, out of anything. It seems to me a lack of basic honesty to sit someone down and say "I am sorry. We cannot continue this. Let's help you explore YOUR OPTIONS." This can be said with love and with gentleness.
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If MIL needs help for all but 1 week out of each month, then she either needs full time live in paid caregivers (not you or hubby) or she needs to be in managed care of some kind. Because obviously "aging in place" is NOT working out for her, with you propping up her illusion of independence.

Time for a heart to heart talk with hubby about what needs to happen here, for MILs sake and for the sake of your marriage. You've done all you could and now it's time for others to take on this burden.
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Welcome, Dixie!

This is an unsustainable situation, for everyone involved.

Does your husband not understand that?

Have you considered saying "I can't do this anymore?"
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Dixiepenny Dec 22, 2023
I've tried saying that, he just says "don't do so much work when you go there" But I really am where I dread going there, I'm a senior citizen too, and prefer to be home and if we go out to dinner or away for a couple days somewhere together, paying cat person, that's good enough for me. Thank you for your advice. I feel like I'm not such a marter now.
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MIL doesn’t ‘need’ this. It’s a ‘want’, not a ‘need’. There are other options that work better for your marriage. Just because MIL prefers this one, doesn’t make it a ‘need’.
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MeDolly Dec 21, 2023
This "Need" vrs "Want" thing needs to be understood better by caregivers, most cannot get that straight.

When old age & dementia is involved, it should all be about need, forget their wants.

I want a new car, but I do not need it...big difference. And I don't even have dementia but I am older than dirt!
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She hires a cleaning person but not when ur there. I have a hard time getting up enough gumption to clean my house (74) let alone clean someone else's. I would tell her to continue to pay that cleaning person because at 78, I am not cleaning ur house.

It is said that at 96 you have to make changes but thats how it is. Her child is now a Senior too. When Alva said maybe she can move "near you" she did not mean in with you. Not a good thing for two women to live in the same house especially when both are Seniors.
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Next time you go "visit" (i.e. become MIL's slave), investigate some of the nicest assisted living communities. Talk with their sales staff and ask what incentives or advice they offer to move in someone with your MIL's issues. They see this all the time.

Some places have such advantages for their residents that once MIL sees how great it is, she may want to do it. What kind of life does she have in her house? No company, and things are bad enough that you MUST go there? At home she gets food delivered, but at AL she'd have friends to eat with, field trips, assistance to shop, go to entertainment, etc. etc. She has housecleaning help at home, but at AL she would too, and they come and they go efficiently, maybe when she's out having fun.

People get stuck on "I want to die at home." They have no idea what a burden that is to someone like you (and I've done it for my parents, so I know whereof I speak). Someday you may deeply regret that you spent precious days and weeks of your life jumping to the tune of an old woman who, deep in her heart, couldn't care less about you and your husband and your marriage. I know I do.

Let this sink in for a bit, and I may be back with more thoughts.
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Dixiepenny Dec 23, 2023
Gee, you are so right. I know you have the experience like we're having now, and I already do regret and recent all the precious time this is costing me and my husband and not sharing our life events and experiences together because we are too busy with her and her needs. I agree she doesn't care that much about me, and seems spoiled with all the help from us, and leaving our home to go to her mess. She's a hoarder and it's difficult to get rid of anything, and when we do, it's "gotta be donated" to a cause, Charity, church, library, or etc. but that all takes time too.
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Nope. Just nope. You have to put an end to this.
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Dixiepenny Dec 22, 2023
I'd love to end it, or just make it easier to do less often. What we're planning on doing, now that I've told my husband how I'm feeling with him there with mom and me here alone, is in future trips over lapping a little on the visits. BTW, each time he calls he has me on speaker phone, so his mom can hear our conversations, but I asked if he'd not always do that.
Planning if he's there for over 2 wks, I go in the middle for a few days, to get me out of here and to possibly have a little enjoyment with some fun, w/o mom. all the time.
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Obviously, your husband has his priorities mixed up, you come first not his mommy.

Might be time to tell him that you will not be doing this anymore and if she needs that much care, she needs to be in AL.

He is taking advantage of you, it is up to you to stop it.

My mother is 98, this could go on for a very long time and your marriage will continue to suffer, if it lasts.

Stand up and be counted.
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Dixiepenny Dec 22, 2023
Thank you for your encouragement. I appreciate everyone's comments, this is why I decided to come on this site. I need some support to assure me that I'm being used and taken advantage of. Husband feels "well, she's old and she needs help, and lets hope someone cares for us this much when we're in that spot". The thing is, she's healthy and can walk w/o the walker, but she's addicted to the walker and is afraid of falling, she knows that'd be a bad thing.
Of course she don't drive, but allows us to drive her car when we come, so that we can run errands, and etc. I also think she may live to 100 or more, ppl in warm climates live longer. I will start backing off a little more than I've been doing, and let her son go more often, with me coming for a few days during his time there, so that will help me mentally too. We have 4 feral cats who depend on us to feed them, and a big house, yard and bills that we have to take care of too, so that's why we can't go each time as a couple. We recently started paying a person to feed the cats twice daily when we do go for short getaways, in btwn going to moms. Life will change in the future, the question is, when with it change?
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Husband is not understanding the situation.

Instead of you cutting back or plea bargaining, put your foot down.

You can’t, and won’t, go out to mother’s anymore. You are done.

Since the husband and his mom think she is the center of your family’s universe, they can go on living in their fantasy world.
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Dixiepenny Dec 23, 2023
Wish it was that easy to say and do. I'm almost to that point. We have 4 feral cats who depend on us to care for them, and they live on our property too, very comfortably. If it wasn't for the cats, I'd be more ambitious to leave and live somewhere else, not CA.
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I used to be part of a family care support team. I called it The Magic Doll House.

After a (insert long story) needs +++, my stress +++, professional & informal advice, then 💡 in short, I quit.

I thought my enabling may cause a floor to collapse. Didn't - but, the other enablers had to find replacement services. They did & more Non-Family help was employed. While resisted at first, now fully welcomed & much appreciated.

The Doll's House gained MORE support (without frying up family). Success!

Folk can think "oh they are ok, do most everything themself, just need a little help". Yet if it was YOU Dixie that ran the household, did the chores & errands & kept it clean, you have a magic dolls house situation too.

Let your Husband go to play House alone with his Mother.
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