Mother-in-law won’t plan end-of-life service. Any advice?

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Mother-in-law won’t plan end-of-life service. Any advice?

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My father just passed as well.. he was cremated. Our mother passed 2 years ago and they wanted to be buried at the same time. Right now the world is in chaos and the additional stressing of a service of any type (wedding, funeral, whatever) would just be too much for our family.
So we're delaying things indefinitely at this point until covid-19 is under control then we'll plan our big memorial party to celebrate their years together on earth and in the afterlife.
Maybe that's an option for your mother in law to wait and have one big memorial to honor the two of them. Just a thought, good luck to your family in working this out. Grieving is not easy.

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Too late now for your father in law, but i would suggest everyone should have the talk with their elderly parents before illness sets in. Make sure they have wills, living wills as well. My hubby has Altzheimers/vascular dementia. Years ago, we made our wills, living wills, medical poa, financial poa etc. making sure that our two children would take over if either of us died and the other was not capable of handling things. In recent years, we updated everything with our lawyer, pre paid our funerals, have our headstone placed on our daughters grave, we will be cremated and buried there. In fact, we signed over our home to the two children with the caveat that we live here until death and still pay our own taxes and homeowners insurance, etc. Our state has an inheritance tax and we certainly don't need the state to take anything we worked hard for. Sure its not an easy discussion to have but we learned the hard way when my hubbys father died and we did not even know if he had insurance to bury him or had a pension that would have gone to my mother in law. We wanted to avoid all those problems for our kids. Just my opinion. Hugs

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I did not know about UUs, so grateful thanks to those who explained them. Wikipedia - dear old Wiki, God bless it - further explains:

"Unitarianism

This article is about the Christian theological movement. For the doctrinal position, see Nontrinitarianism. For the liberal religious movement, see Unitarian Universalism. For its British counterpart, see General Assembly of Unitarian and Free Christian Churches. For other uses, see Unitarian."

So I hope that's all completely clear now..?

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First, I am so sorry for your family's loss. That must have been shocking and stressful. I understand your husband wanting to wrap things up - there is closure in that. But, in this case, respecting her years with her spouse and process with losing him so unexpectedly is in order? Maybe taking a different, less business-like, more empathetic approach would work. Maybe even a grief counselor is in order. There is value in helping her achieve closure through a celebration, but there is also value in finding out what is holding her back. There is usually a reason... guilt is the usual culprit (not being on good terms when the person passed) but it could also be denial or resentment (i.e., not being in charge of the process). A counselor could help the family come to the root of the issue fairly quickly, I think. Sending love and light to all of you, and everyone having to navigate these very upsetting and unusual circumstances.

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Imho, I understand the Unitarian Church is "not an aethiest movement, but a religious movement where some aetheists may comfortably fit." That said, even though your FIL claimed to be an aethiest, I do understand that he had a church home (I did not understand that until I researched it above). For whatever reason (sadness, grief or even the Novel Coronavirus), your MIL does not or will not follow through with his intentions. Therein lies the problem of what to do with his cremains, which you could place in an area of your home that is not seen. perhaps.

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Good grief. Why are we assuming MIL does not and will not honor her spouses wishes? Gatherings larger than 10 are still prohibited in multiple states. Even when not prohibited, many people are avoiding large gatherings. We all understand that FIL wanted a party right? Now is not the time to throw a party.

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i am also an atheist. I dont care wherc i am buried

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I'm not going to be buried anywhere - only my body, which isn't me.

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what’s normal? Her grief and incapacity. I don’t understand why this is a problem for you. It doesn’t matter if this decision takes time. And it’s her decision and indecision. People are more important than rituals. If you don’t want the ashes in your house let your husband know. He and her family members will have to come up with a solution. And you FIL family.

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Ashes have been known to wait on shelves or in closets for many months and even years. Grieving is hard and there is no timeline. This Covid business makes it even worse. Why the rush? He's not going anywhere. Let your MIL coast for a while in the decision-making category. It's not even been 6 months! Then--- sit down with her and your husband and offer some suggestions for a service, do the legwork and see if he CAN be buried where he had chosen. She is fragile and needs love. Dont expect too much.

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This is about how you feel, not your in-laws.
If your husband feels like he is over his head, why isn't he posting here instead of you? Look inside and understand your motivations: Are YOU feeling empty? Grief? Loss? It might support you to identify how you feel inside to recognize how you feel.

Something is OFF. The pandemic has affected all of us. On top of that, many are dealing with family members with dementia. There is a lot off now.

For your own well-being, it is important to examine, then look beyond your needs and beliefs/value systems instead of putting the focus of your concern(s) as being the problem of your mother-in-law and her behavior. This is about you.

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Marilyn24-

It sounds like he made his wishes clear. When it is convenient for you, take steps to complete his wishes.

Before you move to complete a step, tell his wife that you intend to do so. If she objects to any step, hold off.

If she continues object, it may be because she is not at a point in grieving to let go.

Maybe, if she were keeping the ashes, she could find a way to let go of them.

Is she willing to bear this responsibility?

D

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OP has no right to step in and do what she wants. It wasn’t her spouse who died. OP is just a bystander here. And there’s no need to rush and have the party her FIL wanted!

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This must be hard on your mother but that’s her husband . He’s been cremated there’s no reason he must be buried right away. Let yet decide when to have his celebration . And the word celebration is the right word . We honor their lives but he’s gone home , wether he believed in our Lord or not was his choice. I’ve lost all my immediate family we celebrated their lives . We miss them but they are no longer in pain, suffering, will never feel
the pain of loosing anyone dear to them so they are the fortunate ones.
do stop worrying about the dead and concentrate on the living and their feelings . She’s not ready to let him go , give her his urn let her grieve in her own way . She will make the right decision. I have my daughter ashes , my mother and father also. Why because thats
where they wanted to he . God help you make the right decision for your mother and for you also . God bless and stay safe 🙏🙏😍🌺🌷

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Mother-in-law won’t plan end-of-life service. Any advice?

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