Mother is near 89. Are we crazy for thinking about moving her into our home?

You are being naive. If you move her in with you she will dominate every thought word and action you do. Try going out on a date with your wife; “Where are you going? How long will you be gone? Who are you going to be with? Why can’t I come?” When my wife and I would sit on the porch together we would see her peeking through the blinds watching us. Not just for a second but actually watching us.

And consider that your mom is as good as she will ever be.
This won’t last and you have to consider being on call 24 x 7 for a sick old lady who is failing mentally and physically.

You have it good right now, so does she. It’s a bad move, don’t do it.

I work in a very good AL. It is hard on residents to be quarantined. As things improve in the facility in terms of incidence, more access is permitted including outside visits. People are lonely when the most strict restrictions are in place. I believe the worst is over and a vaccine is on the way soon. Does your mom like it there in general before covid?

Can you afford full time aids? The vaccine is on the way and will go to nursing homes first. Do you work? Would she be isolated at home? If she moves in be prepared unfortunately for crises.

Beatty,

Aren’t you smart? 😊

I like your way of thinking!

In the head vs heart debate...

Doesn't the head tell the heart to beat? 😉

Therefore, doesn't the head's thoughts tell the heart what to feel? 🤔

Cope,

You know how you feel, others looking in from the outside don’t know your specific situation.

So take the advice that is useful to you and apply it. Disregard the rest.

Please don’t push yourself past your limit.

When I kept pushing myself I ended up with my own health issues.

Take care of yourself because your physical and emotional health are equally important to your mom’s health.

You don’t have to justify your feelings to anyone. You’re entitled to feel as you do. You have valid reasons for feeling as you do.

Many hugs sent your way!

Your heart won't lead you wrong. Your head will lie to you.

I will echo one of MaryKathleen's statement which I agree with completely: "Try to think with your "head not your heart."

I don’t recommend taking her out of ALF ...Hugs 🤗

Think about the kinds of help mom needs: toileting, hygiene, dressing... and if those can be addressed easily in your home (with paid home health aides is my suggestion). Think about how you would socialize together and your need to be apart as a couple. If you can swing the cost of in-home help and have ways to provide time and space - just for yourselves - this is do-able.

Lots of folks have addressed the caregiving aspects. I would like to suggest you and your wife take time to assess the impact a move-in would have on your privacy.
Will you be able to have a private conversation with your wife?
Will you be able to have a private meal with your wife?
Will you be able to be physically affectionate with your mom in your home? Some Loved ones have unexpectedly become jealous of the other adult in the same house.
Will you be able to feel like adults, with your Mom living under your roof? There’s a difference when a relative has a home of their own.
Will you be able to watch a tv program alone with your wife?
These were all answered NO when my mother lived with us. Your experience may be different.
You're in the right place here.

Hmmm. It is a very hard decision. I understand your concern. Can you move your mom to a different AL? Hows your relationship with your wife? Do you have a back up plan? Do you have power of attorney especially for health care/decision making. Do you know your moms wishes in case she visits the ICU and as if you know your options after that visit? Take it one day at a time.
Pray for more wisdom and guidance.
Hugs and prayers.

If you want to take her home, make sure to have a caregiver helping. Nowadays, they come prepared with ppe like a mask etc.

You and wife can make a list of pros and cons of both scenarios.

All the best

Yes.

But I suppose if you and your wife are in agreement to this and you can get your Mother to agree to boundaries.

The problem is it is just a matter of time before she will have to go back

LoopyLoo

Bless you

I am sure when your dad told you to take care of your mother, he did not mean put her into a nursing facility.

Your dad wants "YOU" to take care of mother.

Your dad didn't mean he wanted "STRANGERS" taking care of his precious wife whom he loved dearly.

So, some suggested asking mom what she wants to do.

Go for it. I am sure she would tell you she would rather stay with her "SON."

I see several time that you say your Dad said "take care of your mother"
Well "take care of your mother" does NOT mean you have to bring her into your house. You can take care of mom in many ways. Some can do that at home others do that by making she she has a place where people can care for her.
You do not mention that your mom has dementia you say "age related decline"
You do not mention if she is having problems caring for herself in Assisted Living.
If your mom has a "social network" where she is you will be removing that from her. While there may be visiting restrictions from "outsiders" she has a community of friends and neighbors. And while staff comes and goes I am sure staff is screened daily. If you bring her to your house you remove the "social network" she has and you and your wife are going to continue your life on a day to day basis. You are going out to the store, maybe to work. As well as any visitors you might have. Your household will expose her more than the isolated residents she is currently living with.
Also she has an apartment. A place of her own. giving that up for a bedroom and maybe an attached bathroom is a big deal.

But the important thing is...
Have you asked your mom what she would like to do? Since she is competent I think the decision would be up to her. Given all the information, without emotional input, ( I know difficult) what would she want to do? She is the one to answer this question.

CopeWithMother

Your response to me touched my heart. You should already know what to do.

Your dad asked you to "take care of your mother."

Please honor your dad's wish.

I feel you have received alot of good advice. Others may have mentioned this aspect so sorry if I am repeating something.
Right now while covid is still not under control I think it would not be good to move your mother into AL. My mother has been in 2 AL facilities in different states since 2013. With each move in I made many trips to get her settled in. It was no problem to simply walk in and in each case take an elevator to her room.
Thinking back that is so different from the present time. I had not been able to see her since March. I had to leave supplies for her outside the facility.
She became quite ill almost 2 weeks ago and now sadly is on palliative care. Yes this might have happened had there not been covid but the many months of isolation within the facility and rotating forms of quarantine was certainly not emotionally healthy. One example is that a couple months in all residents had to have all their meals in their rooms. This brought to a halt any possible positive socialization.
It is an adjustment for someone to enter AL. To do so during these covid times makes it much more difficult. If you are able to have your mother in your home now I believe it would be much more positive. I know there is then the consideration of will it be more difficult to get her into a facility later but I think you cross that bridge when the time comes if it ever does. I am simply stating that covid has made residing in a facility restrictive for both residents and family members helping with that adjustment.
As I said before it has been a world of difference to have my mother in AL pre covid and most recently presently. That difference has not been at all positive for either of us. Wishing you the best transition possible during these difficult times.

CopewithMother - what reasons brought you here to this forum to ask your question? Why do you think you are crazy for thinking about moving her into your home? What doubts do you have? You don't have to answer me, but do answer them in your mind. Be truthful to yourself because those may be the real concerns, the red flags, the warnings.

Whether moving your mother in will work for ALL parties depends a lot on where you are in life right now.

Are you retired? Is your wife retired? Do you have an active social life? Do you travel or go out often? Do you have children that are still dependent on you? Do you and your wife have a need for privacy and intimacy?

When NeedHelpWithMom said it would be life changing, she's right. It will be life changing in every sense of the words. Do you have children? Think back when you had your first child and how it really changed your life. Raising a baby is a joy and a big responsibility. Taking care of a sick and ever declining elder is a job and a burden.

If you don't mind not having any more privacy, if you don't mind being tied down in your home and not able to go out when you want and where you want, if you don't mind cleaning up pee and poop on her body and on your furniture when she becomes incontinent, then we can move on to more questions. Will YOU be doing the cleanup or your wife? Will she mind?

You said your mom is low maintenance. That's a very good thing. Does she get along with your wife? Will she complain about how your wife runs the house? Will she complain about the food? Will she complain if she's left at home alone?

As for your wife, how much of the job of taking care of your mother will she willingly agree to do? Will she mind not having the time and the space to do what she wants when she wants, and now most things have to be worked around your mother's health and needs?

I know at this stage in my life, it won't work having my mom live with us. I have a husband and two young children, and a job, and I homeschool my children (not because of COVID, I've been their teacher for 8 years now.) I have so much on my plate already. I had my mother in my house for two years, and I was burned to a crisp from stress. Finally, I had to move her out before all of us went insane.

On the other hand, I read about an older couple on this forum who were very happy having the mom (not sure his or hers) live with them. They three do everything together, go everywhere together. They both help take care of the mom. They have not much else on their plate, no jobs, no kids, no big responsibilities, so having the mom live with them works just fine.

I'm glad you found this forum and asked your question. I wish I did before moving my mother in. Now, you can have the benefit of our experience, so you can decide what's best for all of you.

Crazy? Possibly. You need to understand what you will be taking on.

As mentioned below, she will be way more isolated in your home. As much as it seems like right now, Covid is not going to be forever.

Moving her home will be a huge change for her, and routine is so important to anyone with cognitive issues. If you do take her home and she worsens or something happens to either of you, she'd need placement again... putting her through yet another hard transition.

Right now she has her own space. If she lives with you, she doesn't have that anymore. Having a bedroom to yourself is not the same as having one's own apartment... and that can be so demoralizing. And she will fight for any bit of independence where she can, which is understandable. Doesn't want to be told to take her meds, eat lunch, or take a shower. How will you handle this?

Any schedule you currently have will be out the window. When do you plan to run errands, grocery shopping, etc? There will be no more dinners out, no more vacations. Family and friends will say to call if you need them... but most on here quickly discovered that no one wants to come help.

She may not be incontinent now, but it is not uncommon for elders to become so. How will you handle diaper changes, wetting the bed, pooping herself, wiping her?

Are you able to be up at night with her if need be? Or if she wakes you up several times at night?

If she needs aides at some point, are you okay with them (strangers) in your home?

Will her bed have safety rails? Is your bathroom equipped with handlebars for her to use the toilet? Is your tub/shower safely equipped for her? How often will you bathe her, and how will you handle it if she doesn't want a bath/shower?

Are meds (all of them, not just hers) kept in a safe place?

If you two, God forbid, get sick (not just Covid... cancer, injury, mobility problems etc), what plan do you have in place for her and yourselves?

Will you be able to keep her truly safe? Could she wander off at night? It sounds farfetched, but it isn't!

Caregiving is a job. A full time, 24/7 job. Of course you love Mom. Problem here is, caregiving isn't something you can love your way through. Think how it was to care for a baby... and you love your baby so much, but you're glad when they get a bit older, can communicate better, and don't need to have you tethered to them (and changing a diaper on a 10-lb baby is nowhere near like changing them on an adult!). In this case, she will regress from where she is now. Once you get some kind of routine nailed down, something changes and you have to start again.

I don't mean to be a downer at all. It's just sad to see SO many people here who didn't realize all the big and little things involving caregiving. No matter how much you love them, it can break you down fast.

You are absolutely not crazy for wanting to bring mother home.

What better life than having 89 year old precious mom at home with you, You will have no worries if she is there and you all are giving her the care.

Good for you.

Yeah, probably. But only you and your wife can make such a huge decision. You say she's 'alone and isolated' in Assisted Living..........where lots of other elders live, even though they're somewhat limited right now with covid restrictions. How 'alone' and 'isolated' is she going to be in YOUR home with just you and your wife, when you're around, and will you be expected to entertain her during her waking hours? Most likely..........not to mention, being expected to provide 3 hot meals and 3 snacks a day for her as they do in her AL home. What about when she needs help showering? Who will do that, you or your wife? Laundry? What about when she wets the bed? Who will take over the incontinence care, ordering of Depends, disposable chucks to line the mattress with, taking her back & forth to the bathroom to establish toilet hygiene?

And the doctor(s) and hairdresser and all the rest of the services the AL provided her with and put on her monthly bill. Who will be in charge of that? You or your wife? At my mother's AL, the doctor comes in THERE to see HER, every Tuesday. And the podiatrist on the 3rd Thursday of every month. And the physical therapist/occupational therapist as the doctor orders it.

Who will pick your mother up when she falls? My mother has fallen over 50x in AL, and the night nurse who's a marine and 6'4" tall and 275 lbs is called in to pick her up. If she lived with me, my DH and I would have to break our backs to lift 190 lbs of dead weight off the floor. Or call 911 each time for the EMTs to come do it.

What about your mother's medications? Who will order them? Who will dispense them? How will they be delivered or will they be picked up? How will the medication changes be coordinated once the doctor(s) write the new Rx's? Who will be in charge of that aspect of her care?

Having your mother living in your den for brief periods of time is a lot different than moving her in. Things change on a DIME in advanced old age. My favorite saying is this: Everything is fine until it's not fine anymore. One day, everything is great. The next day, it's all gone to hell in a handbasket. And you and your wife will have to be there to pick up ALL the pieces, including the care and maintenance of your OWN health issues in your senior years.

My DH just had open heart surgery on Oct 30th, at 62 years old, out of the blue, on an emergency basis after angina cropped up and he started eating nitroglycerin tablets like Tic Tacs. At the same time, my doctor sent me for a CT scan for bladder cancer. My mother is 94 and lives 4 miles away in an AL, thank God, otherwise I have NO IDEA what I would have done with her while I ran myself ragged back and forth from the hospital to the doctor and back again. Then again, I'm 'lucky' enough to be an only child & have no siblings to help me out. Zip.

These stories and situations are not meant to scare you. Just to make you think about reality. It seems like a 'waste of money' for a parent to be in an ALF. Until you stop to think exactly what they're GETTING for their money in an ALF. And what YOU are giving up yourself to give TO them in exchange. When you do THAT math, their ALF rent is cheap at the price.

Think long and hard about making a decision that will likely make a HUGE change in both of your lives and in your marriage. Are you ready for it? Most aren't.

Well, only you know what kind of a personality you will now be accepting 24/7 care of. If this is a contented soul, or whether she is not. What her needs are for physical care.
I am not cut out to do 24/7 care, and yes, I know I would be crazy to ever try it, and no I would never try it.
So the answer is one that can only be given by the individuals involved. I wish you the best.

I think that as long as mom understands that your wife is the mistress of the house and her word is law, then all should be fine.

2 ladies in a home to live together is far different than 2 ladies staying together for sickness, vacation, etc. and it is really important that you make sure that you support your wife and her role in her and your home.

I say good for you and yes, you are crazy but, that's not always a bad thing 🙂.

From your profile: "...age-related decline, diabetes, hearing loss, urinary tract infection, and vision problems." Things could go south rather quickly. How much hands-on caregiving are you willing to do?

I'm also wondering about your wife. Does she really want this?

You will probably be giving up your frequent travel. Family aren't going to be willing to stay with her. Does she ever go and stay with any of them now?

So many people on this forum regret taking their elderly parents in.

LO = Loved One.

Thanks Sunny. She doesn't want anything to do with the place and has erased the name of the facility from her mind and there has been very little social interaction since she moved into the facility back in June. A sad part is that she insisted on selling her condo and was very insistent that she move into this particular place, but now that she has had a taste of the place, she just doesn't like it now. She has been staying with us from time to time but now the facility has a rule about no overnight visits. We have become pretty familiar with her basic needs and medication. She has a relationship with a new doctor over where we live. Our house is walk in right from the driveway so no ramps required. She has been happy with sleeping in my den which is on the main floor so no stairs in the house. We do need a grab bar in the shower. We already have the seat and the non slip mat. I just don't think I could sleep well at night knowing she is in a facility alone and so isolated because of Covid. I am soft that way. If we move her out, she loses he spot which isn't a big deal considering the circumstances.

Tell me what LO is?

Oo.

"Having said that, family members may chip in and take Mom if we are on a holiday where she can not accompany us."

Don't count on it.

As *long* as you don't count on it, then if that can be worked out it will be a nice-to-have. But if this plan is only workable with that support from other family members, and then the support simply doesn't materialise, you will be heading into choppy emotional and practical waters.

You need to get hold of (or do your own) a detailed assessment of your mother's Activities of Daily Living so that you can have a good, realistic look at what work is involved in helping her to function. Sketching out a week's timetable is one approach, just for example - this will let you see where the pressure points are. You then match this up to manpower/resources, and if it works and you still want to do it, then... good!

Your wife and your mother are both fully on board with the idea, are they? Are you sure they've both been able to think it through and air any concerns?

There is really no right or wrong. It’s a personal choice.

It will be a life changing situation though for all of you.

It is your decision to make.

Make a list of pros and cons. Don’t make the decision hastily.