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She can get around the house, most of the time without it, but she has balance problems and dizziness. She hates it because she relates it with being old.
I'd recommend discussing with her medical provider. It could be a sign (additional) of depression and 'giving up.' She is likely depressed, overwhelmed, tired, along with the balance and dizziness. * You may or may not be able to talk 'common sense.' - Try reflective listening: "I understand you feel xxx" - there is no judgment in this way of communicating. It is pure listening, giving her the space to get her feelings out. * Ultimately, it is up to her. If she feels there is a reason to live and be safe, she will use a walker, even if she doesn't want to. She has to have that Will to live. And, that is hard as a person ages with deteriorating health. (Its hard for all of us.) * Perhaps she needs more company? companionship? socialization? If she is dealing with these disabilities and doesn't have enough support, she may just give up.
* Do be compassionate. Some people responding on this site are like drill sergeants, lacking the needed component of listening and showing / being compassionate. Most people want to be heard and cared about - from there, change could happen (more so than without these qualities).
This is a common problem with the elderly, and is extremely frustrating! tell her she is old and is going to get older, even more quickly if she falls and breaks a hip!
My Grandmother got a cane by age 80 or so. A lovely stylish one.
My MIL is probably on the cusp of needing a cane or a walker soon - not ready to discuss yet. (I suspect a little of that not wanting to look old etc..)
Do people think they look YOUNGER when groping along inside their home, clutching at their furniture & walls? 😉
I suppose you could look babyishly young if crawling around as walking become so unsteady 🤪
I would have a PT person evaluate her at home. The doctor can prescribe it if you have balance/dizziness concerns. They tell you which walker is best (sometimes the rolling walkers are a fall hazard if it runs away from them. Cognition plays a role in safety. The gray walkers can be fit to her height and you can buy pretty bags to attach for personal items. My mother is reluctant as well, and has fallen and gone to the ER as a result. Sometimes a word from an outside person may help. If not, I finally had to resolve myself that I can't watch her all the time and it will probably take an emergency situation to get her to comply. It happened, hip surgery, AND with dementia she has already forgotten and still sneaks around without it when she can. I give up. Good luck!
This was my mother for many years. Sadly it actually took a few falls to convince her. You might try humor or pragmatism. Like, "Mom, not using it and depending on the wall to hold you up doesn't make you look younger, it emphasizes that you have problems. But using the walker, what people will see is a woman who is retaining her independence and ability to get around."
It might also help, as it did finally with my mother, to introduce her to a rollator instead of a traditional walker. It has a bench seat and is very sturdy. I fixed the bench up with a small tray which allows her to ferry things like her morning coffee.
Rollator-style walker. It has 4 rubber tires and it's tall enough so that she doesn't have to stoop over. It has a basket to hold small items, and a fold-down seat if she needs to stop and rest. It goes easily on any surface, even gravel and grass. Less than $200. Hiking poles are also a bit more "fun," or a carved walking stick with a rubber tip on the end.
Would she do Physical Therapy? I am 88 years old and it is devastating to realize you can't do the things you used to. PT helped me a lot.
If you are talking about one of those walkers that have wheels in front and tennis balls in the back, don't get her one of those ugly Medicare things, I don't think they are user friendly. Just try to carry a cup of hot coffee from the counter to the table using one of those ugly things. They also scream "old, poor, and infirm" Although if she can't use brakes, you can purchase cute feet to take the place of the tennis balls. I have a Drive Nitro rollator it is red and if you look at them you can see the frame is different from the ugly things given out by Medicare. I had mine Pinstriped. I wish I could show you a photo. Get something with a seat, and a removable basket that fits between the bars so she can carry stuff in it.
You have no idea how hard is to admit you are at the end of your life. I backpacked, jumped out of helicopters, fought fire, now I can't stand for more than a few minutes without being in lots of pain. 7 people I know have died since the middle of October, it is hard to admit you are at the end of your life.
If all else fails, you could try taking a video of her when she doesn't know it and show her that any fool can see you are getting old and have a hard time walking. If she is like my mother was, it won't work, but you could try.
For everyone else out there, promise yourself, that when someone suggests you get a walker or cane, do it. It is so easy to be judgemental until it is your turn. When my daughter suggested I get one, I started looking for something that was different from other people, and I did it.
My experience: My Daddy suffered from dizziness - it was from low blood pressure from getting up. This could be Aunties problem. Have you tried a ski pole? I know several people who use ski poles instead of walkers or canes because a: they don't want to look old and b: it has their hand up higher so their body is not hunched over. Also, its a conversation starter! What's the poles for? going skiing? hugs
you can also tell your LO, that bundle of joy also walks around with poles every day!! :)
it's very, very icy, snowy here, everywhere. super dangerous, super easy to fall. everyone of all ages here walks around with poles. even my elderly LOs tell me, before i go out, "don't forget your poles."
I’ve now nagged a MIL and a disabled sister through this. I think the quickest way is to make the line real: “It will make you more independent, not less independent”. You need to give her an incentive that is real, immediate, and clear to her. Nagging in the abstract doesn’t help, in my experience that seemed endless.
So take her somewhere she wants to go – shopping (choose the far side of the car park) or to a place with a view just a little way ahead – and say “You aren’t coming with me unless you use your walker”. Then walk away briskly yourself. It’s a risk that she’ll try and fall, but then so is refusing to use a walker.
With MIL, who refused to even look at one, it finally changed when she fell and we hired one “just until you are better”. She found she loved it and we had to buy that particular one from the hire company, as she didn’t want to part with it at all. She could get to the local shop by herself, with lots of rests sitting on the little seat. People stopped to talk to her on the way (Are you OK?), which she got to enjoy quite a lot. And the hire company was delighted, as MIL was 4’10”, this old walker wasn’t height adjustable, and they had very little use for it.
With sister, it changed when the physio said that she had to stay on her feet sometimes to retain any leg strength at all. Her excursions out of the house were in a wheel chair. She walked with a special stick round and round the dining room table, where there was something to grab if she wobbled, until she was totally bored with the view. Half and hour, twice a day! The walker set her a lot more free.
MissSuzy: This is commonly a real dilemma because the individual requiring the walker is usually an elder and exclaims 'It makes me look old.' I cannot say that I'll jump at the chance to use it when need be. Perhaps a transport walker would work best for your LO.
My 85 year old mother also refuses to use her walker as she refuses to be associated with "elderly" people. She is in complete denial of her age & decline. Bedazzling her walker in her eyes would only draw more attention to it. Her fear of admitting she is elderly & needs help far exceeds her fear of falling, which she does regularly. I have brought her in home care providers, she dismisses them within a week or two. She has the means to go into assisted living, she refuses. I have come to the conclusion it is her life to live. She has a pendant she can push if she needs it. I have told her if she falls and breaks a hip or worse, she will probably not fully recover. At this point, I am letting her live her life as she sees fit, understanding she is in charge & responsible for her own destiny & mortality. You can't force anyone to do anything, especially when they are cognitively impaired & declining. It is impossible to protect people from themselves. The only option left on the table is a court order taking all control from her by declaring her incompetent. While she struggles with everyday life & tasks, she is still able to participate in some activities using senior services for transportation to church & doctor appointments. She is just well enough to appear in control yet can't balance her checkbook or remember what she had for lunch yesterday. Her doctor of 20 years will in all likelihood support her independence, despite being a fall risk due to balance issues etc. Sometimes, you just have to let go.
Do all you can to prevent her injury or severe illness, because you are the one who will have to deal with it. She won't just fall off the edge of the planet, leaving you free at last. She will fall, get brain damage from a concussion, get kidney damage from lying on the floor for 24 hours, get more brain damage from sedated surgery for broken bone, further delirium from psychiatric meds prescribed in hospital to keep her from trying to climb out of bed. Just one hospital and rehab stay will consume most of your time and energy for months, and her abilities will take a deep, deep dive down. The only good thing about that scenario: from rehab, you can transfer her to a monitored setting such as memory care or assisted living, and she'll probably be too confused to be able to return to her own home.
Trekking poles; they are used by hikers; generally look like ski poles, are adjusable, have rubber tips (or without tip are spiky for actual ground traction.) Trekking poles are not canes, are not a walker, but help folks get around as tho 'hiking' wherever they go; of course hands must hold onto them, but they don't look 'old', the look 'active person'! Folks of all ages use walkers after orthopedic surgeries; the trick is to not crumple down in to them (slouching, depending on walker for support) but keeping body upright and walking INTO walker, then lifting or rolling/pushing forward for next step. They are just for balance not a substitute for one's body doing the 'work' of walking. After both hips replaced I can spot a person a mile off using their Grocery Cart as a 'walker' and we joke about it: having that assurance of not falling saves energy for other activities!
I’m 63 yrs old and have had a Walker for years. Since my first surgery, lumbar fusion, 2010. It’s now 2023 and I’m on my 5th arthritic operation. My left foot. Not using my rolling walker yet, but it’s on my porch. 2 of them. I had two full hip replacements and my right foot too. But my dear, beautiful, mom, severe COPD, etc, balance, oxygen, would not use it. I even rented a wheelchair. We used it once and my mom barely could walk. She passed peacefully Jan. 17, 2021. 😞
When 80 years old refuse to use her walker, she can loss balance and fall down, because it will prevent her not to fall or to moving around her room, bathroom, or use her toilet. So all you need to do is speak to her doctor if they can help you to advise her, again she feel dizziness and balance problem and refused to used her Zimmer farmer they have described for her, or may be her daughter can explain something to her to understand what she was putting herself to. Only she didn’t had dementia. Matilda
Well, physical therapy may be the answer for her. If not, purchase all the gear for skateboarding and bring it to her to try on and decide which she would prefer, a walker or all the gear. I use a walker with a seat and a cup holder; it slows me down so that I won't go too fast (which is often the cause of falling). There's a walking cane called, "Hurrycane" to slow him down (https://www.hurrycane.com).
My mother refused to use the walker. She had many falls. In public, she "propelled" forward and it was sort of a "look out, here comes the old lady" response by folks around her. She was fast! Her housekeeper decorated her walker thinking that might make her use it. Nope.
There is probably nothing you can do to change her mindset.
My mil was the opposite. The walker gave her security and she always used it.
I make sure that I always compliment folks when I see them using a walker. "I'm so glad to see you using your walker. My mother refused and we worried so much about her. I'm sure it gives your family members a bit of peace knowing you use your walker. Good job!"
Mom walked with the aluminum walker, since it was lightweight and she could 'lift' it to go over the one 'bump' in her apartment. BUT--she was curved down into a compete "C" shape and stood all of 4' 8" and could not life her head the last 3 years of her life. She had been given 4-5 rounds of physical therapy and as soon as the inhome PT was done, so was she. It was so sad to see her walking, hunched over and slowly disappearing.
My MIL shoves a chair in front of her, b/c a walker makes her look 'old'. Dh gets so frustrated with her b/c she is making it so much more likely she's going to fall.
Both of these women were definitely aware that walking w/o support was/is dangerous for them, but both refuse(d) to do it properly.
My mom has passed, but my MIL continues to shuffle her way through her house by rolling a chair in front of her. DH told her she didn't look OLD, but that she definitely looked 'demented'. Not nice, but accurate.
Can you present her with some different options other than a standard walker? What about the walkers that help you stand nice and tall, the ones where you rest your elbows on them instead of leaning over to reach down? What about a cane with 4 feet on the bottom of it? Maybe if she feels like she has some options and a say/choice in the matter, she will be more open? If she has a choice in starting with something less than a walker, then it may be an easier transition for her to move to a walker later?
When my mother was still living I took her to lunch with her friends every Tuesday. It was surprising to me how many of them (all in their 80's and 90's) worried about whether they might seem old. My sisters and I had used walkers or wheelchairs at times because of injuries or surgeries and did not feel at all "old" by using them. We were just doing the smart thing to get our lives back in order.
Now I am approaching my mid-seventies and I get it. When you are middle-aged and using a walker, you are still given the respect and privacy accorded adults in our society. As you age, the more signs of age that are visible, the more people treat you with the condescension and lack of respect that most in society display toward the old. It is all too common for the elderly to be treated like children or as though wrinkles and white hair denote an absence of intelligence. It is embarrassing and annoying.
Of course, the answer is not to avoid using a cane, a walker, or whatever appliance is needed to make the "new normal" of life with an older body a bit easier and safer. The answer is to practice comebacks that will set the offender back a bit and give a reminder that we are adults and much more capable in mind than in body. Ageism is often really extreme in our culture. It should be pointed out as such.
You might try to help your aunt understand that she is the same person with or without the walker and it is up to her to stand proud and independent regardless of whether she uses aids or not. There is also the fact that using a good walker--probably a rollator for your aunt--will allow her to do more and stay stronger for longer.
Excellent answer. Ageism is a form of ignorance and I was waiting for some examples of a quip that would not only retaliate but also educate. Thank you for giving us a perspective that I think is far too often overlooked.
Here is a story to tell her: My Dad didn’t use his walker. He fell and broke his hip. Surgery needed with rehab in a nursing home and he became more confused. Came home. PT didn’t work well. Pin in the hip slipped so in constant pain if he moved. Then from couch to wheelchair and back again. While sitting on the couch he said, “Let me get this straight: I have to sit on the couch until I die”. That’s pretty much what happened.
I have the same concern with a good friend. I had an extra walker with wheels - which I mentioned to the nurses at the ALF where my friend lives. They all were enthusiastic because she definitely has a challenge when walking. I took it over. It is a storage device now. Every now and then I mention using it to avoid falls, but she doesn't seem interested. It is her choice, of course. The next time I visit, I'm going to grab the walker and bring it home. If she decides she needs one down the road, I will give it to her. In the meantime, there are neighbors who might have a use for it.
My 83 year old dad is the same way. He has a balance problem that comes on just sometimes not all the time. I’m not sure he ever used the walker they gave him but he will sometimes use the cane now that he has had some scares. His wife says he couch surfs at home, lol but he does take his cane all the time now, since some scares and was taught how to use it for his particular issue ( he falls backwards not forwards). Might she accept a cane for stability in the house?
I'm 82 and I REALLY don't like it when someone tells me constantly what to do and that I HAVE to do something. I'm sure people with dementia don't appreciate it and I am pretty sure none of us would ...would you??? I had a knee replacement (and complications) and I used the walker ...my idea...for support and balance. Using the walker I began to walk with my eyes on the floor ahead of me and bent from the waste. When my GP diagnosed me with a disease with very bent down shoulders...I woke up, threw away the walker and cane, and no longer shuffle my feet. And I now walk straight and tall. I feel 20 years younger and am no longer depressed. (I live alone too.)
While caregivers want ....and should..follow safety guidelines, please don't constantly preach to your person about things like this. Just because we are old doesn't mean we are stupid. We probably lived twice as long as you did..or more...so we have learned and experienced twice as much as you. I guess what I'm trying to say is to treat us "old" people with respect. Treat us as YOU would like to be treated. Please.
I completely agree and absolutely understand what your saying. It can be a real mine field for caregivers of patient's with dementia though as they often don’t remember their limitations. So for someone in their 80’s who has all of their faculties and can weigh the risks and benefits for themselves, make the decision about their own safety reminders are unnecessary but for one that doesn’t remember their decision or the understand the risks to their current health reminders are necessary but still just as annoying. What is one who cares and is responsible for their well being to do?
Telll her a little fib. I was in the same position with my wife. I told her that our med insurànce would drop our coverage if she did not use it. Today she loves the walker.
I can relate! My sweet mom (diagnosed with dementia in 2018) refused to use her doctor recommended walker for MONTHS. We (my Pop and I) decided to keep it with her in the house, even though she refused to use it. It accompanied her when she moved from one activity to another.
Last week, she finally started using it when her fear of falling surpassed her sadness/denial over aging. We also chatted about the walker often, mentioning how much easier it would be to walk if she used the walker.
We were blessed that my mom came around. Normalizing it and watching videos on how to use it may have helped.
In hindsight, I think my mom was hesitant to use it because she wasn't sure she could do it "right". (This is due to her dementia.)
May God bless you with patience and endurance as you care for your aunt.
I am a fairly active and mobile 80-year-old, but sometimes pain or instability make me feel insecure and I am grateful to have a walker to rely on. It is not worth falling and breaking a hip for the sake of false pride.
Getting old is not shameful. Do it as well as you or your aunt are able and do it safely.
Way to go! I also have a walker that I used after a pair of surgeries 6 years ago. My husband and I keep it stored upstairs, out of the way, but readily accessible. When either of us has need of support after a minor injury or during an illness, the walker comes into play again. Why take any chances? We are in our 70's and we have only had to pull the walker out a few times, but we both feel good knowing it is there if we need it.
Tell your aunt that if she walks without her walker and falls she's done ! She could be bedridden from the fall and have to use a bed pan for her bathroom functions. On top of that if she then could still be at home it will make life for you 10 times worse.
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It could be a sign (additional) of depression and 'giving up.'
She is likely depressed, overwhelmed, tired, along with the balance and dizziness.
* You may or may not be able to talk 'common sense.'
- Try reflective listening: "I understand you feel xxx" - there is no judgment in this way of communicating. It is pure listening, giving her the space to get her feelings out.
* Ultimately, it is up to her. If she feels there is a reason to live and be safe, she will use a walker, even if she doesn't want to.
She has to have that Will to live. And, that is hard as a person ages with deteriorating health. (Its hard for all of us.)
* Perhaps she needs more company? companionship? socialization? If she is dealing with these disabilities and doesn't have enough support, she may just give up.
* Do be compassionate. Some people responding on this site are like drill sergeants, lacking the needed component of listening and showing / being compassionate. Most people want to be heard and cared about - from there, change could happen (more so than without these qualities).
Gena / Touch Matters
tell her she is old and is going to get older, even more quickly if she falls and breaks a hip!
My MIL is probably on the cusp of needing a cane or a walker soon - not ready to discuss yet. (I suspect a little of that not wanting to look old etc..)
Do people think they look YOUNGER when groping along inside their home, clutching at their furniture & walls?
😉
I suppose you could look babyishly young if crawling around as walking become so unsteady 🤪
It might also help, as it did finally with my mother, to introduce her to a rollator instead of a traditional walker. It has a bench seat and is very sturdy. I fixed the bench up with a small tray which allows her to ferry things like her morning coffee.
If you are talking about one of those walkers that have wheels in front and tennis balls in the back, don't get her one of those ugly Medicare things, I don't think they are user friendly. Just try to carry a cup of hot coffee from the counter to the table using one of those ugly things. They also scream "old, poor, and infirm" Although if she can't use brakes, you can purchase cute feet to take the place of the tennis balls. I have a Drive Nitro rollator it is red and if you look at them you can see the frame is different from the ugly things given out by Medicare. I had mine Pinstriped. I wish I could show you a photo. Get something with a seat, and a removable basket that fits between the bars so she can carry stuff in it.
You have no idea how hard is to admit you are at the end of your life. I backpacked, jumped out of helicopters, fought fire, now I can't stand for more than a few minutes without being in lots of pain. 7 people I know have died since the middle of October, it is hard to admit you are at the end of your life.
If all else fails, you could try taking a video of her when she doesn't know it and show her that any fool can see you are getting old and have a hard time walking. If she is like my mother was, it won't work, but you could try.
For everyone else out there, promise yourself, that when someone suggests you get a walker or cane, do it. It is so easy to be judgemental until it is your turn.
When my daughter suggested I get one, I started looking for something that was different from other people, and I did it.
it's very, very icy, snowy here, everywhere. super dangerous, super easy to fall. everyone of all ages here walks around with poles. even my elderly LOs tell me, before i go out, "don't forget your poles."
i even have spikes on the soles of my shoes.
so OP, tell your aunt about that! :)
So take her somewhere she wants to go – shopping (choose the far side of the car park) or to a place with a view just a little way ahead – and say “You aren’t coming with me unless you use your walker”. Then walk away briskly yourself. It’s a risk that she’ll try and fall, but then so is refusing to use a walker.
With MIL, who refused to even look at one, it finally changed when she fell and we hired one “just until you are better”. She found she loved it and we had to buy that particular one from the hire company, as she didn’t want to part with it at all. She could get to the local shop by herself, with lots of rests sitting on the little seat. People stopped to talk to her on the way (Are you OK?), which she got to enjoy quite a lot. And the hire company was delighted, as MIL was 4’10”, this old walker wasn’t height adjustable, and they had very little use for it.
With sister, it changed when the physio said that she had to stay on her feet sometimes to retain any leg strength at all. Her excursions out of the house were in a wheel chair. She walked with a special stick round and round the dining room table, where there was something to grab if she wobbled, until she was totally bored with the view. Half and hour, twice a day! The walker set her a lot more free.
Bedazzling her walker in her eyes would only draw more attention to it. Her fear of admitting she is elderly & needs help far exceeds her fear of falling, which she does regularly. I have brought her in home care providers, she dismisses them within a week or two. She has the means to go into assisted living, she refuses.
I have come to the conclusion it is her life to live. She has a pendant she can push if she needs it. I have told her if she falls and breaks a hip or worse, she will probably not fully recover. At this point, I am letting her live her life as she sees fit, understanding she is in charge & responsible for her own destiny & mortality. You can't force anyone to do anything, especially when they are cognitively impaired & declining. It is impossible to protect people from themselves. The only option left on the table is a court order taking all control from her by declaring her incompetent. While she struggles with everyday life & tasks, she is still able to participate in some activities using senior services for transportation to church & doctor appointments. She is just well enough to appear in control yet can't balance her checkbook or remember what she had for lunch yesterday. Her doctor of 20 years will in all likelihood support her independence, despite being a fall risk due to balance issues etc.
Sometimes, you just have to let go.
Wishing you well.
Matilda
Let her choose so that she is in control.
There is probably nothing you can do to change her mindset.
My mil was the opposite. The walker gave her security and she always used it.
I make sure that I always compliment folks when I see them using a walker. "I'm so glad to see you using your walker. My mother refused and we worried so much about her. I'm sure it gives your family members a bit of peace knowing you use your walker. Good job!"
My MIL shoves a chair in front of her, b/c a walker makes her look 'old'. Dh gets so frustrated with her b/c she is making it so much more likely she's going to fall.
Both of these women were definitely aware that walking w/o support was/is dangerous for them, but both refuse(d) to do it properly.
My mom has passed, but my MIL continues to shuffle her way through her house by rolling a chair in front of her. DH told her she didn't look OLD, but that she definitely looked 'demented'. Not nice, but accurate.
If she has a choice in starting with something less than a walker, then it may be an easier transition for her to move to a walker later?
Now I am approaching my mid-seventies and I get it. When you are middle-aged and using a walker, you are still given the respect and privacy accorded adults in our society. As you age, the more signs of age that are visible, the more people treat you with the condescension and lack of respect that most in society display toward the old. It is all too common for the elderly to be treated like children or as though wrinkles and white hair denote an absence of intelligence. It is embarrassing and annoying.
Of course, the answer is not to avoid using a cane, a walker, or whatever appliance is needed to make the "new normal" of life with an older body a bit easier and safer. The answer is to practice comebacks that will set the offender back a bit and give a reminder that we are adults and much more capable in mind than in body. Ageism is often really extreme in our culture. It should be pointed out as such.
You might try to help your aunt understand that she is the same person with or without the walker and it is up to her to stand proud and independent regardless of whether she uses aids or not. There is also the fact that using a good walker--probably a rollator for your aunt--will allow her to do more and stay stronger for longer.
Thank you for giving us a perspective that I think is far too often overlooked.
While caregivers want ....and should..follow safety guidelines, please don't constantly preach to your person about things like this. Just because we are old doesn't mean we are stupid. We probably lived twice as long as you did..or more...so we have learned and experienced twice as much as you. I guess what I'm trying to say is to treat us "old" people with respect. Treat us as YOU would like to be treated. Please.
Last week, she finally started using it when her fear of falling surpassed her sadness/denial over aging. We also chatted about the walker often, mentioning how much easier it would be to walk if she used the walker.
We were blessed that my mom came around. Normalizing it and watching videos on how to use it may have helped.
In hindsight, I think my mom was hesitant to use it because she wasn't sure she could do it "right". (This is due to her dementia.)
May God bless you with patience and endurance as you care for your aunt.
Getting old is not shameful. Do it as well as you or your aunt are able and do it safely.