Hi everyone, I haven't posted in a while and hope everyone is doing ok. My parents finally moved near us, in fact, in our condo complex and are renting. I packed and unpacked every single box for them and was away from my husband during his chemo and radiation treatments for 2 months so they could move from Florida to Virginia. My husband was with me during my breast cancer journey and I feel awful that I couldn't be there for him. We actually felt their needs were more important, but we have sacrificed our lives for my parents since we were married and before (that's another story in itself!)
Now here's the problem - she is getting upset when I tell her I need to go downstairs to care for my ailing husband and to straighten up my home. She has my Dad who can care for her. I'm starting to resent them being here. I told her I would like to use my own bathroom and I want to put some things away and stay home a little bit. She made a face and asked me why and I said I'll be back later and she said you don't have to - stay down there (angrily). I'm starting to get my nervous stomach back and to be honest I yelled at her the other day. As many posters know, my mom has always been "needy". I will fill you in with details later on, but for now I need help! I am neglecting my husband, my dog and my own needs! Thank you my wonderful friends!
My mom's being very passive aggressive the last week or 2. Actually today it's started to bug me a little.
So what there saying I needed to hear too.
I have been feeling very strong emotionally very up, for a month or more, today a little melancholy . So I'm just letting you know, if you do what we are helping you though, you will have an occasional off day, not to be surprised.
It's a bit of a rollercoaster. Just keep moving forward.
Years ago I was raised that what that meant was that I had to prop them up . I was raised to be my parents caregiver .
Now I believe that the elderly person has to accept that whether they live at home or in a facility that their life is changing due to age .
Don’t be afraid to say “ No” . We aren’t required to keep up their lifestyle the way they want it . I was told by my mom that I had to keep her “ routine “ the same. My FIL told us that we had to keep up his “ independent lifestyle “. Nope , nope , nope , we refused to take him on cruises that he wanted . That would not have been a vacation for us . He also demanded we take him to a fancy restaurant every weekend and requested my adult children come as well .
If You help them , they accept the help you are willing or able to do . If they don’t like it , that’s too bad , they either hire someone or they go live in assisted living . The parent receiving help does not call the shots because they are not independent , they are dependent .
That is the same passive/aggressive response I used to get from my aunt. Fine. I stayed where I belonged. In my own home.
Question,
How much time do you spend with your girlfriends?
Having coffee, going for lunch, shopping.
How much time you and husband spend with other couples?
Keep it in mind for when your Mom the Terror passes. It may give you comfort. OMG, I can't believe what you've been through with these two. Good luck going forward.
PS - Don't ASK if you can sign them up for food delivery from Walmart and Amazon. Just do it using their credit card. The food arrives at their door and they freak out. And you say nothing because you did your duty and sent the dang food. You don't even answer the phone. They can pull the limbs off that cute lil Walmart rotisserie chicken just fine by themselves.
Could you make mom a weekly calendar of when you plan to drop in?
For instance: Mon. and Thurs., sometime between 11 and 2
Sun., 6pm every other week for dinner
The less detailed, the better. Then stick to it.
Do it on a white board so it can be easily changed and take a picture of it with your phone so you can remember what you committed to since you won’t be in there very often to see it!
I'm really gaining my freedom, brothers are doing a most right now, I'm not being sent on all these needless errands anymore. A tomato from this farm stand, and then corn from a different one.
Anyways I'm starting to feel a bit lost, like what do I do with myself kind of feeling, moms being rather grumpy to me the last week. A few weeks ago she was love bombing me. It also feels odd to not feel needed. I'm also feeling a bit angry at myself for putting up with as much as I did put up with though the years.
Just want you to know these are normal feelings, so don't run back to mom the minute they come out.
I feel adults reach an age, become elders, cycle backwards & hit that stage again.
They want you. Only you. Their real needs, their perceived needs, their anxiety, their wishes will EAT UP YOUR life.
Until you make changes.
I think many many older people go through this with or without dementia.
Remission at this point is not guaranteed. And he has a benign brain tumor. Now there may be prostate cancer.
There is a nonzero possibility that you may be bidding him goodbye. You may yourself need an aide for some of this, but until you do, spend maximum moments with him watching birds on the deck, or taking in a home movie, etc. with the goal of getting him well enough so that you two do go out to that dinner or onto a cruise. Their death at 96 and 93 is somewhat inevitable whereas a death at 65 is that much more tragic. Especially for you.
You BACK OFF , STOP HELPING .
Call APS .
Your mother isn’t going to change . She’s an uncooperative , needy person who expects to be waited on .
You are all right - I made a HUGE mistake!
If you need to run it by his oncologist to have a medical opinion on it, please do so. I’m sure the doctor would agree.
Offer to sign your parents up for DoorDash, Uber and Amazon. Offer to vet weekly housekeepers who can tidy up. Leave your dad with a list of agencies and their prices. It is dad’s right to refuse as he is competent.
Your husband needs you with him more than your parents do at this time.
Mom can’t force you to stay with her .
Back off , let them fend for themselves . They should either hire help or go to assisted living .
“ Stop helping them “ , was the most wise thing ever said to me from a social worker.”
Again , Back off , your parents will have to accept help in other ways , either by them paying for a helper to come to the house or they go to assisted living .
Remember, it takes two. You own 50% of this whole dance.
Then give her some numbers for a HIRED caregiver for your Mom 3 days a week. That SHE PAYS FOR. Otherwise, she orders groceries delivered by WalMart, and starts using Amazon for everything else. If one of them needs a ride, call UBER.
Or they can go into Assisted Living, if they can't handle living independently.
Keep telling your Mom it's "DOCTOR'S ORDERS. Sorry, gotta go!" If she starts on the phone, say "Sorry, I have his doctor calling---gotta go!" CLICK.
I cannot believe you actually moved them into your SAME bldg. That was the worst thing you could have done. You need serious counseling to snap yourself out of being so manipulated by your Mom. She isn't neglecting her husband, is she? I am sad to hear this situation.
I understand what your saying, After my dad died, I started taking mom on every errand I had to go on. To get her out of the house, she lives one town over from me. I enjoyed are trips to Michael's, Kohl's, drugstore, ECT.... But after 3 years of this I wanted my own life, I wanted to walk into a store by myself, and not to get something for mom. Not only was I not doing that, but I was also feeling, no appreciation, and just got do do do, more more more.
But I honestly did enjoy a lot of my trips out with her.
I think this is what your feeling??
Your mom is not going to change. Only you can. Theres not going to be a way to handle this that pleases mom, so just say at the end of your dinner today that next week, you and dh will be going out for a couple’s dinner instead. When she acts up, just leave saying “of course we’re a married couple who needs alone time” as if it’s the most normal thing in the world.
All Senior Brats cry and whine to get their way. They’re never happy even when they get their way! The only thing they understand is action. So speaking of which, arrange to spend time away regularly on vacation when you can. Give your dad a list of agencies he can call to arrange home help if he chooses to. I would tell them that I will be in a place with cell reception to call you each day at 6 pm. Thats it, that’s the new rule.
You two have a retirement to live, and a limited amount of time to live it. Your first priority is your dh undergoing chemo. My MIL had two rounds and needed round the clock tending to with every single adl at points in time. The physical cost is substantive, let alone the emotional cost. If anyone needs to be entitled to your time, it’s him. He’s the sick one.
PS - My Mom moved and left her own mother for 4 years while we lived in a foreign country. She loved her mother, but she did what she wanted to do and now and then I can't do what I want to. Another thing is - she would NEVER leave her husband. I know that for a fact!
-@the.holistic.psychologist
You already said that you've sacrificed a lot for your parents previously ...and you described a really interesting and fulfilling life that they've led. You need to grow more of a backbone now! You're spending way too much time dissecting how and why they're acting now as they are ...and start backing out of all of the time that you're spending there. Change it up - NOW!
They can go to senior day care to meet other people...they can hire a part-time caregiver if your mother requires it....and you can fib and tell them that you're starting a new job and that's where you'll be - even if it's a job remotely from home. Whatever it takes to break this cycle.
You have your own life and they have theirs..separate it and stop being so enmeshed. I personally think it's mean for them to "guilt" you like this. You really don't need to share with them everything you're doing and everywhere you're going - try to be more private - come up with fibs/excuses so you make your life easier. So, you say that they ask why you don't include them now when you go out...well, I bet they didn't include you and your husband when they traveled Europe and Argentina prior...hmmm, that's not very fair!
Wishing you all the best ~
What you can control is how you react to her manipulations and how you set boundaries for how much time you spend with her.
Stop explaining all the reasons you need to leave. That just gives your mother ammunition for an argument, which is probably entertaining for her, but distressing to you.
Say "it's time for me to leave" and then leave. Be calm and cool, not angry or scared. Don't wait around for the histrionics and don't take the bait of getting into an argument with her.
PS: You don't mention whether or not your mother has dementia. If she does, and the whole ordeal of your leaving is what upsets her, find a way to leave quietly when she is occupied by another activity.
I'm talking about these people went to Argentina and Europe for 3 months at a time in their 80's ALONE and when we want to do something alone - which I'm afraid to even tell them we want to go alone, they would and will say - how could you not include us???
They love us so much and we love them to bits, but what happened here??? That's what I'm trying to understand. Such intelligent people, lived in beautiful places, traveled, business owners, pilot, friends - they do what they want alone - and we can't??? Why the heck can't they let go of us???
PS. Another thing - my mother was always protective of us as kids - I wasn't allowed to take a train to NYC by myself when I was a teenager. I never left her home alone and cancelled dates when my Dad went away on his trips. I didn't have my own friends either because I enjoyed adult conversation better, so I was never left home - always with them.
I created this. I created the problem where I can't talk to them without saying - Oh, we were such bad parents or oh - you know everything and you're so perfect, yet they say they don't know what they would do without my husband or me and then not give us a break?
You ask "what happened here???" and I can tell you that what has happened is that you have chosen not to grow up and live your own life, but have opted to stay under your moms rule, and now choose to make one excuse after another for your parents(mom in particular) that one minute you describe as being abusive and the next minute you "love them to bits."
It's ok to come here to vent, but I honestly don't believe you have any plans on making any changes, so for that reason I won't be commenting on this post anymore, because you've made it more than clear all the reasons you can't change or don't want to change.
So I wish you well in this dysfunctional hell that you're living in, and I hope that your marriage will survive when this is all said and done, but won't be surprised if it doesn't.