Hi everyone, I haven't posted in a while and hope everyone is doing ok. My parents finally moved near us, in fact, in our condo complex and are renting. I packed and unpacked every single box for them and was away from my husband during his chemo and radiation treatments for 2 months so they could move from Florida to Virginia. My husband was with me during my breast cancer journey and I feel awful that I couldn't be there for him. We actually felt their needs were more important, but we have sacrificed our lives for my parents since we were married and before (that's another story in itself!)
Now here's the problem - she is getting upset when I tell her I need to go downstairs to care for my ailing husband and to straighten up my home. She has my Dad who can care for her. I'm starting to resent them being here. I told her I would like to use my own bathroom and I want to put some things away and stay home a little bit. She made a face and asked me why and I said I'll be back later and she said you don't have to - stay down there (angrily). I'm starting to get my nervous stomach back and to be honest I yelled at her the other day. As many posters know, my mom has always been "needy". I will fill you in with details later on, but for now I need help! I am neglecting my husband, my dog and my own needs! Thank you my wonderful friends!
My dad needs a lot of care (Parkinsons Disease, 70% hearing loss to name a few).
I have to go to the gym (the tension release is absolutely necessary and go to church--Jesus and the Lord sustain me so I do services and bible studies).
My mother accuses me of cutting out and says "You can just disappear downstairs" and "Okay you can go out and maybe we will see you later". It's like she's accusing me of something bad by leaving the house. They are not believers and think the gym is a vanity thing.
I tell her multiple times in the simplest terms and do not digress... "I need to do this in order to be a NORMAL person. There is no way I can help you and dad if I don't get these two things integrated daily in my life."
I reiterate this over and over, remind her she can go out as much as she wants, she can ask the caregivers to take her out (she doesn't like having caregivers in the house....me...I am so grateful for them.)
Stand your ground Romeo13. You have control on how you act and react. She can't do a number on your head unless you let her.
I can still see my parent's faces when I said "no" to getting two dozen bags of mulch from a local hardware store, something I use to do for years. It was just to difficult to get the bags out of the vehicle at my age. I told Dad, call the store and have the bags delivered. Dad didn't want to pay the delivery fee. Talk about guilt, but I held my ground.
Was talking to my dil yesterday about moms horriding stuff, like me at 60 , I have my own stuff, I don't need a whole house full of more stuff.
And mom just thinks that we are all going to fight for her "stuff" like she is sitting on a gold mind, at 60 plus honestly i don't want anything.
She knew at the time. Maybe a little immersive nostalgia therapy would wake her up.
And why do you care if your mom screams at you if you don't do something right away? Have you tried telling her that if she can't wait that she'll have to do it herself?
Why are you so afraid of this 93 year old woman who you honestly owe nothing to?
This is again so beyond disturbing on so many levels, and I honestly don't think that we on this forum can truly give you the help that you so desperately need, as you really need some deep mental health therapy.
Since when does ones parents come before a husband and marriage?
And who in their right mind would sacrifice their lives for their parents? That is beyond sick and I truly hope that you'll seek therapy to get to the bottom as to why you don't feel that your husband and marriage should come before your parents.
You have already neglected your husband, yourself, and your home for far too long now. It's time to stop the insanity.
And why you felt it a good idea to have your parents live in the same complex as you, I'll personally never understand.
Your parents have had their lives and now you and your husband deserve yours.
You say in your post below that you "do have a backbone" but I'm not picking up on that in any of your posts or replies.
In fact, I'm picking up on just the opposite. And sadly I don't see a happy ending here for anyone because of the poor choices you have made.
You are a "prisoner" of your own making, and that is the worst kind of prisoner you can be, so I do hope you're in therapy to help you figure out this hot mess you've gotten yourself into.
Please don't get upset at one another on this forum! I do appreciate your advice and kindness!
Your husband seems very patient, but what if he gets tired of this situation? What if he wants a full-time wife instead of one who is always having to do something for her parents? A wife who will be around when he's having chemo or other life crises? Don't think a disappearing husband couldn't happen to you. It happens all the time in situations just like this. There are plenty of women out there waiting in line to find a kind and patient husband. THINK AHEAD!
This is the same old same old. You come here for advice and NEVER take ANY of it.
Just be clear that they ARE your choices.
There is nothing anyone can do about what YOU choose.
You first responsibility is to yourself. Next, is your marriage.
Please get home health care for your parents.
https://www.alz.org/media/cacentral/dementia-care-39-the-light-beyond-shadowing_1.pdf
If you are her PoA and she's never had a cognitive/memory exam then now is the time to get her in for her "annual wellness exam" that Medicare provides for free. Sometimes the medical provider won't consider prescribing meds for anxiety/agitation unless they've had a full exam. Make sure you sit in on the entire exam appointment, don't tell your Mom she will be getting a cognitive exam. Make a note to her doctor in the medical portal that you defintely want her to have that exam. You may be shocked at how poorly she does. If she still drives, this should also be reconsidered.
Shadowing is a phase of dementia and the length of this phase depends on the person and whether they get on meds or not. My Aunt, on meds, still did it for at least a year or more before she finally went on to another phase.
May you receive solutions and peace in your heart on this journey with your husband and parents. Please do lots of self-care!
Just check in on them once a day. You don't need to stay for hours. Tell Mom to pretend they are still in Fla and your in VA.
If there is a Senior Center or Adult Day program that she can get involved with that might occupy some of her time. the Senior Center will get both mom and dad involved and they may both find programs, trips and projects they both will enjoy.
I've been there, I've done that. And I'm still healing and learning, to not go back there.
There is another way, there is a way for you to be happy, to be able to spend very much needed time with your husband, with your pets. For you to do what you want to do and not what mom wants.
First thing first you need to realize and admit, that you deserve to be HAPPY. Why do so many of us caregivers not feel like we deserve happiness? How much damage have we all been though in life to make us feel that way. Why do we owe are life to give to are parents, We didn't ask to be born, we didn't tell them if you give birth to me we will literally kill are selves for your happiness, the rest of are dieing days.
There is a book about a sick daughter, the parents litteral had another daughter to give the sick daughter blood, or something I'm not remembering it enough, I'm just remember the fact that the healthy little girl was used over and over to keep the sick one alive, and how wrong it was. But isn't that exactly what many of are parents did to us, gave birth so they could gaslight us to be there slaves in older years
Id say let mom , pout , let her be angry! Do what's best for you, then hubby, then mom.
If your parents are so feeble and weak that they could NOT muster the energy or wherewithal to pack or unpack one single box then they should have been moved straight into a long term care facility not into a condo that they clearly are unable to handle. In short order you will be cooking their meals, cleaning their house, and wiping their behinds 24/7.
You seriously need to cut the umbilical cord you have attached to your parents. It's time. That thing must be heavy and dirty since you have been dragging it around with you for decades.
Even now you can't be a grow adult and tell your mother that you are not going to spend all day and night in her condo with her and that you will be spending time in your own house with your husband and you are not going to see them daily.
How sad that your parents have this much control over you.
Even worse it's almost like you set yourself up for this by moving them into the same building as you.
Your parents are hungry souls that will never be satisfied until they finally smother and consume your physical being into their own. They are like the Borg on Star Trek.
Unfortunately if you haven't been able to stand up to them and create your own autonomy by now (with ALL the good advice you were given last time you posted) I don't think you are going to succeed without some serious mental health help.
Shaming and bullying, which violates the code of conduct for this forum. Therefore I'm reporting this comment for removal.
Yet you CHOSE to have this living arrangement set up.
You will now have to CHOOSE whether it can work, or whether your mother may require placement to fulfill her needs.
The best way to handle this is to handle "yourself" first. You need to understand that your mom hasn't been really any different, that you are not responsible for her "happiness." all day every day. There will be many times she will be UNhappy. That's life, as they say.
The limits are yours to set. They are mom's to live with. And the choices are yours. Life has been long for your mother; there have been many times in her life she was unhappy; this is but one more. And for you, I am certain there have been other times in your life when you were simply not able to fulfill the expectations others had of you. This is but one more time.