Hi. I’m a 33 year old female and I’m really struggling with my 65 year old mother. Well, she wants a grandchild from me even though she already has 2 grandkids from my brother who are still little.
I don’t feel comfortable having a baby because even though I’m in a serious relationship, I feel like my boyfriend is abusive sometimes. I think he might have bipolar disorder because his personality changes all the time. I already told my mom that even though I’m still with my boyfriend our relationship is not always well. Then she told me: “Well, maybe a baby could change him”. What???? That’s the most ridiculous thing ever. A baby is not a magic pill who will solve my problems or change my boyfriend. If anything, kids are stressful and a huge responsibility. I don’t want more stress than what I already have.
Even if I told her my boyfriend and I struggle in our relationship she still goes on and on that having a baby is wonderful. She doesn’t understand it’s my choice. I used to ignore her comments but I’m already sick of having to make her understand that I won’t bring a human being into this world if I don’t have stability in my relationship. I don’t want to put up a fake smile for a baby while I might be miserable inside dealing with my own problems.
My mom seems obsessed about being a grandma. One time I went on vacation with my parents for a week and all she did during the entire trip was talk about her grand daughter and how much she “missed her”. When I talk to my mom about my job, my dream of buying a house, or going to Europe with her, she acts like it’s a boring thing to talk about. All she cares is about me having children. She thinks that should be my ultimate goal in life.
Last night I couldn’t sleep because she brought the subject again when I clearly explained children were not on my plans. Since she goes to church, she told me that I should listen to the preacher’s message. I heard it and the preacher was basically praying for all women that couldn’t conceive. The message was about reproduction. Ahhhhh why is she so stubborn? I feel like I will have to cut her off from my life if she treats me like a child making machine and not an actual human being.
What can I do to make her understand it’s a personal choice?
Stop explaining to Mom. Its actually none of her business. When an Aunt kept asking my SIL when she was having kids, SIL told her Aunt would be the first to know. SIL never had kids. Why, I have no idea. That is something between her and my
You are smart in not making any huge decisions. I wouldn't even buy a house with this man. If you feel he is BiPolar, then maybe u should suggest he see a dr. Meds can help. Know when to walk away from the relationship.
You can stop trying to reason with her since it's obvious that's never going to work. When she launches in change the subject abruptly to something totally unrelated. If she keeps going back to it just keep changing the subject. Is she escalates, walk out of the room, put in ear buds or whatever blocks her. This is called "extinguishing" a behavior. Good luck!
Why would you stay with an abusive man? You deserve better than wondering what next or if you will survive the next round of abuse.
It doesn't matter. Your mother can bore the pants off you on this subject but nothing she says or does can make you want to get pregnant. Tell her that if you like, but otherwise just let it be.
PS Ditch the boyfriend.
Walk out when your mother starts the baby talk.
Your mother sounds a little "off". Pay no attention to her rants. Forge your own path to happiness.
I have often said you need a strong marriage to survive children!
I'm more concerned with your boyfriend. Has he been diagnosed with bipolar disorder? It is a terrible disease. A few of my co-workers had wives with bipolar disorder. One wife killed herself, leaving her husband with their young daughter. One wife spent so much money on mail-orders -unbeknownst to her husband, since she had everything delivered to her work address and rented several storage units - they had to file for bankruptcy. My uncle was also bipolar, and ended up with a compulsive hoarding disorder, since he stopped taking medication once he retired from the Navy. He died alone in his house surrounded by his hoard.
If you intend to forge out a life with this man, I think you need to lay it on the line - either he gets professional help for his mental problems, whatever they are, or you walk. And even then, be ready for the long haul through life - one of the reasons bipolar disorder is so difficult is the patient has to forever be tweaking medications, and from my understanding it's a lot of trial and error.
As far as mom goes - tell her you are DONE with the kid conversation. When she brings it up either 1) hang up or 2) leave. Tell her you will talk to her again once she can get over her obsession with kids.
Good luck!
She was thrilled when I gave birth a few days before our 4th anniversary, but got right pissy when I was not dropping everything to travel for 1/2 a day to bring the baby to her. She easily could have come to us, but nope she did not want to. She got into a right snit when my former father in law and his new wife and step daughters came out from England to see us, before she saw the baby.
After a month or so we traveled to see her and she immediately started in on when was I going to give her another baby. Good God woman, I had not fully recovered from the birth.
You have the right to say..."Mum I will not discuss my decision to not have a child with you." If she starts up, leave the conversation, walk away, hang up the phone etc. It is part of putting boundaries in place.
I was the vessel that brought forth the grandchildren. Her own daughter never had kids, didn't want them.
Getting snitty when they don't get their way? Yup. Days before my son was born, she called asking us to come for Easter. I didn't realize it at the time, but the backache I had at the time of the call was early contractions (most of both births were back labor - yuck!) I tried to politely decline. When I said I wasn't feeling up to it, she wanted her son (my ex later) and my daughter to come, without me. Yup, it's Easter, so you can sit at home alone while we yuck it up! I should give my boy a little bonus... His timing was perfect, and ensured NONE of us went to their place for Easter!
She ALSO got VERY pissy when her ex showed up and wanted to meet with his grown kids (don't know the details, but he was out of the picture - I suspect SHE made sure of that!) So, the 3 of them met up with him. Later he came here, and first time met with me and the ex. She had eyes and ears about town, so she was aware and unhappy about it. When baby #1 came, he and his wife came back and we met at the motel they were in. Again, she heard about it and the SH!T hit the fan! The final straw was him coming to our house after baby #2, around Xmas. Oh BOY! I think it was SIL who told mom (although she'd been schmoozing often with him, to get him to leave her all kinds of things, such as his car, mechanic tools, etc.) Next thing I know, we're being summoned for a summit at their house. I declined. I said this is between you, your mother and step father. LEAVE ME OUT OF IT. That man did NOTHING to me and I'm not going to slam the door in his face. No clue what went on, but didn't care. I don't recall ever hearing any more about it. Her big thing was he hasn't earned the right to be a grandparent... Right? Genetically he IS the grandfather. What does he have to do to "earn" that? No, the issue was she was extremely selfish and didn't want to share with him.
It is sad how petty so many people can be... and thoughtless.