My dad is 95, legally blind in a wheel chair and lives in assisted living. My mother had dementia and I helped take care of her at their home for years until her falling became a big problem, they moved into a facility. He was in assisted living and she full care, when she passed he moved in a house beside us, at that time he said he would get a Lifeline necklace and a housekeeper but he would not do it, so I hired a house keeper, checked on him several times a day and he did get Friendship Meals. Several years ago he said he could not see well enough to live alone so he moved into the same facility. I really tried to talk him out of it, thought we were doing fine but he insisted, he was walking with a walker at that time. He also always has a dog. Two months later it closed and by this time he was in a wheelchair so we found another facility that would take dogs. He has long term care insurance and it was very hard to get them to pay when he moved back, moved again and again! He did not like this place so we moved him again, we have moved him 8 times, trying to make him happy, several times just to a different room in the same facility. He has been mad ever since the first place closed, of course does not like this place either.
He has fallen 3 times since January and they have had to pick him up, he cannot see to run the microwave or adjust the thermostat! He will not ask them for help, I will go in and he will have the heat on and it will be 90 degrees outside! He gripes about everything from the food, the other people, the housekeeping, the administrator, etc. I just don’t comment. My sister is almost 80 and lives 2 hours away and is dealing with her husband’s health problems. My husband works 7 days a week but helps when he can, my son takes care of his two rental houses. He called him today (he just pushes a button on his phone and says who he wants to call cannot see to dial even with his magnifier). He wants him to move him to one of the rentals which is 10 miles away from us. I visit at least 5 times a week, drive in early every Sunday and bring him back here for church, take him to his appointments, take the dog 20 miles to the a veterinarian! He is pretty sharp but has been somewhat forgetful lately, has forgotten appointments when I get there and other little things. First the house would need a major remodel, ramps, shower, try to make it safe. I’ve been battling this for years, I am tired, not sure what to do? I know he would not be there long before he would realize he could not do it, afraid he would not hire help after he got there. I am afraid it would be really hard to get the insurance to start paying again and it would be dangerous for him! He does use his walker when I take him somewhere but I am always worried he will fall! He cannot have PT because he has two hip replacements that have worn out. Surgery is not an option and his bones will crack when he is just sitting so he is to walk as little as possible. He also has an aortic abdominal aneurysm they are watching. I hate that he is not happy and I do not know what to do, any advice would be appreciated! Sorry this is so long!
Reading through the answers I was struck with something that happened to me and my Mom. We were having a discussion about her and dad going into AL. She did not feel she needed that much help. I told her the preparations were all set, All they had to do was sign up!! After a couple hours of back and forth, just discussing still, I told Mom she had a choice...to which she quickly replied
"Good. I choose to stay here!!!"
NO, I said you have the choice to be happy that you and Dad will be in a safe place with some one else doing the cooking and cleaning and watching after Dad (he wandered). OR you can choose to be miserable
over there in AL and make everyone else miserable, too!! She did not have to give it much thought at that point. My Mom was a sweetheart,
and Yes, she chose to be happy!! She knew that Dad was getting too much for her and she sure wanted to be where he was! I will always be thankful for her sweet sweet spirit, even when she did not like what was happening to her and Dad!
No, is No, cut back on visiting him, let him settle in, if he doesn't that is his choice.
Your family needs to be on the same page, have the same boundaries, so that Pops learns he cannot divide and conquer.
Stop engaging him. When he brings up the subject, end the conversation with something like "Dad, I love you, you are safe here, and I have peace of mind. Let's talk about something else". If he won't drop the subject, find an excuse - "I have to bake cupcakes for my tea cozy knitting circle" - and leave.
The fact that Dad is in Assisted Living already says loud and clear that it takes a village to help him. And it is far less expensive being in Assisted Living then hiring around the clock professional caregivers. My Dad had 3 shifts of caregivers and it was a whopping $20k per month in my area. And don't you become Dad's full-time around the clock caregiver. Otherwise, your Dad would outlive you as you become overwhelmed with all the work and stress.
Time to bring out the "theraputic fibs". Too bad your son already told his Grandfather that one of the rental properties is available, otherwise a fib would be "sorry, both houses are rented". Your son could use stalling fibs by saying it will take months to get the permits to fix up the house.... supplies are on back order... it's taking longer then I had planned.
So starting today, take a deep breathe, and NO MORE going over ideas on how to make a house ready for Dad. It's not going to happen. Yes, Dad will grumble, and he is just being a normal elder as pretty much everyone in Assisted Living wants to go home because they are in denial of their lack of ability to do things.
And it is time to cut back on visiting Dad. Dad needs to learn his way around the Assisted Living area and make new friends. He can't do that if he is visiting with you. I had to cut back when my Dad was in senior living.
Given that stepping away I doubt that at 95 your Dad will be able to go home being for the most part incapable of self care.
Sometimes there is nothing you CAN do. You likely will not get guardianship even if you apply for it if your Dad is mentally capable. Step away would be my advice. Tell him that you will not assist in any way in enabling this, nor will you assist in getting him readjusted when he must return to care.
Good luck. If you did mention he has a dx of dementia, I missed it. If that is the case he needs guardianship at this point, whether by you or court appointed is up to you. It's a lot of work and trauma.