My MIL lives alone about 20 minutes from us. While I like her, she's not the kind of person I can be around for long periods of time because she complains constantly and always wants everything to be about her. She was widowed two years ago and clearly struggles with depression but refuses to get help. She complains about being lonely but will not leave the house to try anything that might connect her with other people in her situation.
While I feel sorry for her, I don't like how she treats my husband and constantly demands that he come to her house to fix little things we suspect she breaks on purpose. My husband gets frustrated with her easily and then is difficult to deal with at home when he is stressed.
Yesterday, MIL fell in the garage and hurt her leg. Fortunately, she did not break anything, but this is her second fall in 2 months. She also has diabetes and mobility issues. It's clear that she can't continue to live at home on her own. We had been planning to try to move her closer to us into a retirement community with cottages where she might meet other people her age. Now the community that is being built is out of her price range.
My husband seems to have already decided that we are going to build an addition ($100,000!!!) to our house and move her in, even though in previous conversations, we have both agreed that we don't want her to live with us. I don't believe that having a separate living space would keep her from constantly being in our house, complaining and demanding attention. He seems to think she'll just stay in her own place and watch TV all day. We have only been married for a couple of years, and I think this is a terrible idea. We need our private space with our kids (blended family). I'm very concerned - and have told him so - that her presence will cause problems with our marriage.
I would appreciate any suggestions for how to convince him that we should not move MIL into our house, even into a separate space like a connected suite. He thinks that she will refuse to move into assisted living, but also seems to think they are terrible places. I've been to some and they are pretty nice (though expensive).
Thank you for your help!
First thing that jumped out at me is that husband gets frustrated dealing with his mom which makes home life difficult. Yet he’s planning to move her on to your property? At least now you and he have the buffer of distance.
Having been through it all (an elderly, difficult depressed Mom living on same property, then living in her own place, then in a IL apartment, and now AL), the best thing you can do for MIL is get her somewhere where she is safe and will have the help she needs. This will allow husband to be a son again, not her caregiver. It’s unlikely that MIL would be content living on your property and her presence will overshadow your lives. As my wise husband likes to say, “A house can only have one Queen.” And in my case, my mother wasn’t able to abide by that b/c in her eyes the position of mom trumps child.
Keeping in mind the intrinsic value of distance, you might consider helping with the cottage community entrance fee/deposit. Those fees are typically paid up front as a deposit and if she leaves the community before 8-10 years are up, you get a pro-rated amount back. Yes, the $100k could be spent on an addition to your home, but the cost to your marriage would be incalculable.
One last thing, the journey with my now 91 y/o mom is in its 18th year and will probably last several more. It’s been expensive to say the least, requiring all of her assets and some of mine too, but where she is now, her depression and anxiety is being treated, and she is actually content and at peace. First time in my lifetime to see her in that state, and it’s priceless.
Best wishes for a peaceful resolution.
Second, your husband admits he can’t handle being around her long term. He should move in with his mom for a month and experience 24/7 living. If he says it’s not the same because she’ll have the addition, counter with “true, but this only a 1 month test and you propose the rest of her life with us… even though her health and attitudes will only worsen.”
Third, additions take time to build and MIL needs a safe environment now so, God bless your husband, his emotions are overruling his logic. She needs assisted living NOW. You might look for a local facility that offers weekly or monthly stays.
My SIL’s husband had the same mentality as yours. MIL did not keep to her space and was demanding to where SIL and her husband avoided being home. In less than 6 months, everyone was miserable, everyone agreed assisted care was better and MIL is happy in assisted living.
If your MIL mobility issues don’t improve, does husband expect you to help her toilet, get in and out of shower, etc? Or will he?? Either way, logic suggests there won’t be a separation of space; the addition will be more square footage for you to clean as you care for MIL in her space. Or are you affluent enough to afford $100,000 addition and $40-50,000 per year for a caregiver?
Please advise your husband, caregiving is a slippery slope and even the best circumstances include How do we limit exposure to viruses? How do we leave for the weekend? How independent is mom when she can’t manage the can opener or a jar and gave up driving (our roads are a nightmare) so we’re her driver (just call Uber is a joke or $$$ luxury) and she needs help managing the house? AND this doesn’t include any personal care. What happens if you get sick or injured? Who schleps MIL to hair salon or dr appointment?
Even if you and your MiL all get along, including political ideology these days, and your MIL is independent, you’ll find little quirks of aging crop up.
Finally, your husband believes that isolating his mom with the tv for company is a viable solution and it’s not. He and you will become her only source of human contact, so buckle up….
As I mentioned in my earlier rant, self-isolation and constant complaining were the red flags as my mother developed dementia. She’d visit me daily and rage about things that happened 50+ years ago, with people long dead. I have the luxury of being a stay-at-home mother so I was there for her. I’d actually leave kitchen chores so I’d wash dishes or mix dough as she talked. I’d book her appts during school hours. She became my full time job. Which, in the past few years, became 24/7. (she is now in care)
Not all elderly mothers knit, watch tv, bake cookies with the grandkids, coo and dish out smooches.
Have your husband make sure his Mom has all legal, health and financial documents in order and if she doesn't - waste no time in getting to a good elder care and estate attorney to set her up while she's mentally competent. This is a MUST. A good lawyer will also advise on the steps needed to be eligible and apply for Medicaid to help with in-home or nursing home care. Currently there is a 5 year look-back so be prepared now.
Keep searching for alternate living solutions that are safe and appealing to everyone. Does MIL have money for private, local care? Consider shopping around for someone who would be a good fit for her. While she will most likely resist at first, having the company of another person who cares for her can be invaluable physically, mentally and emotionally. If she simply cannot afford it, the 100K hubby wants to invest can be used for part-time care for his Mom instead, to help with doctor appts, cleaning, laundry, meals, companionship, and peace of mind for all of you.
Keep in mind that your husband loves his mother & despite her annoyances it's a natural instinct to want to care for her. That said, he surely is unaware of how consuming this will eventually be in the long term. It would be hard even with the best of personalities and intentions. However, both of you need to be open to compromise and alternate solutions and to be more understanding of your MIL's physical and emotional needs and put personal bias aside.
Please look at your MIL with new eyes. Try to be sympathetic to this woman whose life has changed drastically since her husband passed. It's not easy for everyone to "connect" outside her home and no doubt, she is very, very lonely and feeling isolated. Perhaps you can help her with this.
Encourage calls/visits with your children, include her regularly in some family activities and create a dialogue and atmosphere where she feels loved and valued. I wish you the best.
No does not mean abandoning MIL to an ice floe and giving it a shove. It removes one option of the available options for MIL next level of care. Research those, with MIL input.
Good luck.
I do not want to paint a completely negative picture. We all love each other and get along pretty well. But you have to consider you will seldom get alone time. Even going to the grocery can be an ordeal. My time is consumed with mom. She is actually jealous of my relationship with my husband & our kids. She often brags about how well she raised my children…she didn’t. Then I have to console her convincing her she isn’t a burden. I guess what I’m trying to say in this lengthy post is all might start off well, but the situation will deteriorate. After 53 years of marriage we are having issues handling this new chapter in our life. If this was a young marriage, blending family, I’m not sure we could have stood up under the pressure. My best wishes & prayers are with you!
You should not have to live like you do and certainly your husband should not have to still work at his age because retirement would mean having to be home with your mother.
Break her out of the habit of going to sleep with you right next to her on the couch. That is ridiculous. Medicate her at night if necessary. She's developed a "shadowing" habit and you have to break that habit.
Whenever I would start a new caregiving position an elderly person so many times their adult child or spouse would say they can't leave them alone for a second otherwise they completely freak out. The spouses or adult children cannot even leave the room without the elder with them. What I always did with the family members or spouses is explain to them what "shadowing" is and how that habit can never be allowed to establish. If it has then the elder must be broken out of it.
Shadowing is when an elderly person almost always with some kind of dementia has to have their spouse or family member with them at all times.
I'd tell the 'shadowed' family member that when I come to work my hours, they leave. They're always against it at first but it's the only way to break the shadowing habit. Do not allow them to go to bed anywhere other than their room, and do not sleep in their room with them.
It's like with a baby. Sometimes you have to let the baby squawk a little bit in his crib. If mother goes running in every time he makes a sound, he will never be able to be alone. Same with a shadowing elder.
I know you love your mother and want what's best for her. Breaking her out of the shadowing habit is what's best for her.
Leaving her with hired caregivers for a few hours at a time is what's best for her. Giving her anti-anxiety medication and making her sleep by herself is what's best for her and for you.
Tell him that the best thing he can do for his mom is find her a great assisted living facility where she can socialize with others her age and have round the clock assistance should she need it. Adding on to your home doesn't give her that interaction with other folks in her same stage of life. She needs that. Your husband can visit her as often as he likes, bring her to your home for holiday meals, etc. Tell him that you are proud of him that he loves his mom and wants to take care of her, but there are other ways to do it besides moving her into your home.
I'm sure you can find living arrangement for MIL that will not require you to pay a small fortune and yet be a place she can call home.
My DH called me selfish, a brat, unkind, all the lovely names to try to get me to move his mom in with us. I finally had to get downright mean and tell him he could have mommy move in with him, I would leave. And I would have. Having her live with us would have fallen 100% on me.
As time has passed and she has become more and more impossible to deal with, he has understood my staunch approach to keeping her in her home and he provides what little care she'll allow.
He has a sister who does EVERYTHING for MIL and I told him that his mom is happy with that, and living with us would be hell on earth.
He does agree, but still thinks I am not very nice for not 'wanting' his mom here.
If he can afford $100K to add on to your home, he can afford to help out with an ALF, if mom's funds don't cover one.
Putting MIL in an ALF or SNH is just like putting that $100k into a barrel and setting it on fire. (Not that I’d ever question the motivations of all the self-righteous mom-belongs-at-home-with-us crowd…)
Cheers!!
As caretaking becomes more intensive, he (and the rest of y'all) will need your home as a place to retreat and decompress from the constant unrelenting challenges of caring for her. I believe this is so even in the best of circumstances, but I KNOW it is so in less than optimal. My mother moved from her own home in a town an hour away to our town to an Assisted Living facility. I didn't realize it at move time, but her idea was that we could then spend all our time together. Never mind I have a job, regular other commitments and grown kids (and we are building our own house). When she discovered that she still didn't see me "all the time", she felt like I betrayed her - and I understand why she feels that way, but it simply never occurred to me that she would have such an expectation. I tried incorporating her into my extra activities, but she hated them all and wanted me to spend that time with her INSTEAD. Well - I enjoy things like my Tuesday evening ladies' dinners. And I enjoy hibernating at home sometimes. I can tell you that when I drive through the gate onto our property, I literally FEEL the stress fall away both physically and mentally for me after a long day of dealing with all my other stuff then doing whatever she needed me to do that day. And it's not just that my mom is difficult to deal with (because she is), but that it is frustrating and wearisome and disheartening to see the effects of old age setting in on her and causing her to have to deal with her impending mortality and you just need to be able to step away to catch a breath and get a little perspective. Dealing with end-of-life issues alongside your parent is much easier when you have that kind of time.
When we first began discussing moving her to our town, we briefly flirted with the idea of building her her own little cabin on our property. It would have been so convenient to not have to drive to see/help her. And we really want to have a small guest house on the property eventually and she had the money to make it happen. From the outside looking in, there just didn't seem to be a reason not to do it. My husband was like you - adamantly opposed to the idea. He said "are you going to feel like you have to stop and check on your mom every time you pass her house to get to ours, or when you leave our house?", "are you going to answer sweetly every time she sees you pass and calls you to see where you are going?", "are you going to feel obliged to include her whenever we have company?", "how will you feel when she comes down here uninvited?". "You love all our windows that look out over the land. How will you feel knowing she can see into them?", "do you really want to include her in dinner planning at every meal?", "on Saturdays when you want to sleep in a little, do you want her to knock on the door to get your help?" By the time he finished painting a very accurate picture of what our life with her as a neighbor would be, he didn't have to convince me that building her a house on our property was a bad idea - I KNEW it!
Consider also that your kids need to know and love their grandmother, but they don't need her to be an extra parent or adult telling them what to do. It can be hard enough for two parents to stand in agreement without another adult participating in the raising and that tends to be what happens when grandparents move in (or on the same property).
Protect your sanctuary!
Now, about a few of the posts I’ve read, and I’m not even through them all...
karenchaya, you owe a LOT of people an apology - NOW. ‘Selfish, even, and not empathetic.’? Lucky you, to have never had to deal with a LO’s extreme attention seeking behaviours.. However, your lack of experience doesn’t negate the experiences of others.
And mapont2, the dynamic between a parent and young child is not the same as that between an adult child and and parent. If her MIL is indeed in the early stages of dementia, boundaries is not a concept to be learned by a broken brain. Nor is it likely to be accepted by an elder who still views herself as the ruling matriarch.
If some of you want to give up your relationships with your partner, children and friends, and give up your careers, hobbies and leisure, do it. But you’re not entitled to tell others to do the same.
Explain please, what makes her MIL’s wants and needs so much more valuable than her own?
People post here, seeking the experiences of others, not their judgement.
Are you a doctor? Daughter of a pediatric psychiatrist and psychologist??
So even if MIL moves into your house and you don’t see her most of the time or not even at all, a NOXIOUS KARMIC CLOUD will hang over your entire house. I’m not trying to sound unkind or extreme here, but there is a certain indescribable feeling when a ‘persona non grata’ lives in your house and there is no escape from the toxic cloud they ooze (maybe this is what imprisoned torture victims feel?). You already think it’s a terrible idea *now*, before MIL has actually moved in. I can’t emphasize enough how much more stressful your life will be after MIL moves in, not to mention a broken marriage later on while you try to figure out the best way to untangle your beautiful blended family so you can escape the awful situation. Everyone will lose, not just you, DH and children, but also MIL. Please put your foot down ASAP and do not let this happen!! It’s not worth DH finding out the hard way that you were right. In the meantime, you/DH need to set boundaries with MIL so she understands (whether she pretends to or not) that she is welcome to visit on special occasions or whatever timeline you want, and you/DH can help her find an assisted living place though your local senior housing authority. If she owns her house, you/DH can help her sell it so she can pay for a nice place. Other posts might have advice on how to apply for Medicaid once she has spent down any assets she may have.
Bottom line is that DH is not responsible for MIL’s happiness and comfort, and MIL’s outlook on her situation will not change whether she (1) moves in with you (NOT happening), (2) moves into the nice retirement community with cottages (probably won’t happen), or (3) grows up and looks at other options that will work (fingers crossed for this one).
My response is enjoy living hungry and cold then. Or get a tin cup and panhandle. People find the strength to swallow their pride when no one jumps to their rescue.
I have never known of a case where grandma moved late in life where it was anything but a disaster. However good the intentions might be, the result is terrible. The couple cannot get away from the irritations of attempting to care for someone whose disabilities are growing and whose abilities are declining. The addition of a separate dwelling unit is unimportant. If she cannot care for herself in her own home, she will not be able to care for herself in your home either.
Your husband has not thought realistically about what is really involved in caring for someone who needs care. Speak your mind now and be sure that you are heard. Insist that he face the fact that the falls and mobility issues are just the beginning. Invest that $100,000 in helping her to buy into a continuing care community. These can be very nice, but she may only be able to afford a more mediocre one. Too bad, but she will simply have to accept that whatever it is that she can afford is what she will have to accept. What we get in retirement is what we saved for when we were working. It is not fair for old people to expect their children to give them what they did not prepare for. (I say this as a 71 year-old who would never dream of moving into her children's home. I hope that my savings and investments will keep my life pretty much as it is now, but if I do something stupid and lose my money I would live in a Medicaid facility before I would move in on my sons.)
I hope the OP takes your advice to heart because you are spot on and one hundred percent correct.
I will tell you that my parents lived in an Assisted Living residence for 7 years, and an Independent Living apartment for seniors prior to that for 3 years. Both places were phenomenal. Like hotels, really. Anyone who tells you what 'horrible places' they are haven't a CLUE what they're talking about. We should all be so lucky to be able to afford such luxury and autonomy in our old age, let me tell you. Your MIL will THRIVE in such an environment, vs. living with you where she will get NO social stimulation and rely only on your DH (and you) to keep her entertained. And food, which will ramp up her diabetes and keep you taking her back & forth to a variety of doctors for her entertainment.
I hope you can talk some sense into your husband for the sake of your marriage. Go check out some affordable ILs and ALs in your area and get brochures to bring home. Set them down on the kitchen table and look them over with your husband AFTER you've gone on tour of a few of them. Be the salesperson so you can talk the places up, reminding him you can go visit MIL several times a week and have a better relationship as a result. Plus, you'll save $100K in the process.
Don't let 'guilt' drive your decisions here. Anyone telling you "how will you feel when the end arrives?" doesn't understand that there are MANY ways to care for an elder. In home is NOT the only way to do so! Believe me when I tell you there are a TON OF THINGS TO DO for your loved one while they are living in managed care as it is! It's not like we drop them off in their new apartment and adios, it's all over. In many ways, the work just begins at that point! I know from where I speak on that, believe me.
FWIW, I grew up with my grandmother living in our home; my mother fought with her tooth & nail, ruining MY childhood in the process. Yet mom was 'doing the right thing' by having grandma living with us. That was her nonsensical thought process, yet everyone in the house was MISERABLE as a result! Had my mother used her head, grandma would have gone into managed care and EVERYONE would have been happier as a result, including grandma who was verbally abused on a daily basis. People never seem to take those kinds of things into account when considering home care, and think "Oh it's UTOPIA for everyone & flowers & rainbows prevail." I'm here to tell you that's BS in many cases!
Wishing you the best of luck preserving your marriage AND finding your MIL a lifestyle that preserves HER dignity and autonomy at the same time, b/c that is the real goal here: for EVERYONE to be happy.
I'm 62 years young right now. I still actively work (from home) and my own mother lives with me. (I didn't learn my lesson the first go around) Is this really what I want to do for the rest of my active years? Caring for elderly is NOT for the faint of heart. Hugs to you. Not an easy decision.
Be sure to get your ducks in a row before you struggle like DH & I do with his mother.
My in-laws buried their heads in the sand and now my MiL is in AL and hating it, but my husband and I agreed that she is NEVER coming to live with us. She has too many problems and refuses to get the proper care or cooperate.
The ALF even has trouble with her. We met with the facility director and we’re informed she never leaves her room or allows it to be cleaned. I said that was unacceptable and that they had the right & duty to clean the room and make sure she is clean. She will be in for a surprise. We can’t deal with her but did send her a note that if she didn’t cooperate she would lose her dog.
MIL’s mental state needs to be addressed and the dog is a crutch and suffers terribly because of her.
This sounds nice, but it will not be like what your husband thinks it will be. Your entire house will become her space. Then will come the competing with you for your husband's attention and affection. Then will come the instigating trouble, the incessant complaining, and the staged attention falls and fabricated health crises. She'll start doing this as a form of entertainment or because she wants to sabotage some special occasion that doesn't involve her.
I've been an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years. I've seen many couples get broken up because an alpha MIL gets moved in.
Please don't do it.
One queen in a hive. No truer words have ever been said. You will have nothing but misery if you move her in. If you think she treats your husband bad and is demanding now, move her in then see what your lives become.
Find her an AL or senior community that she can afford.
I am no hypocrite.
The answer remains factual.
But I see there are a LOT of emotional tree stumps in this forum.
Me me me me me
What a great message to send to your kids.
Not everyone is emotionally situated to deal with elder emotional crap let alone their physical crap.
It takes two people in a marriage to agree on important decisions.
If you say No, if you disagree, Mil is not moving in.
Owning a home together, it is the same. If you do not agree to sign the refinance papers, or spend the money, it is a No.
Women do not understand fully the power they do have. They already have that power. Just say "NO".
So mapont2, should I have put my mother in care or sent my children to boarding school?
mapont2, I am sending a great message to my kids. The message that their lives have importance. The message that I would provide care to my mother until it became all-consuming and left me next to no time to act as their mother. The message that my life has value too, and neither I, nor anyone else, should be shamed into a life of caregiving, instead of cherishing our own partners and children, pursuing our own dreams and caring for ourselves.
’Me me me me...’ indeed.
This is an extremely important and valid concern. You two have two goals to work on at the same time. That is more than most couples have to do. 1. Your marital identity which takes plenty of private space and energy. 2. Your parental identity as a team. My goodness, you two and your blended family don't need any new goals right now! The glue of your marriage and family is still very wet with only two years. Please focus on 1 and 2, but don't add three. That will create an unhealthy emotional triangle with you two and her as well as with your children and her. Please don't do this. Did ya'll have a chance to talk about such things before getting married? If not, this might be a good focus for the two of you to meet with a marital therapist about.