My mom assumes I will eventually be her 24/7 caregiver—how do I manage her expectations?

Your first obligation is to take care of yourself. You do not have to make the same mistakes your mother made
nor do you have to meet your mother’s expectations. My mother admitted to me she tried to abort me when she was carrying me.
Yet I was the only one she came to for help because her son was God.
But I knew she would never be allowed to live with me. Parent’s actions have consequences too!
There was no guilt or remorse when she told me this but it sure explained a lot.

I first suggest you pray about it. Second, it’s you mother. Brothers are suppose to help as well but on a different level. I would talk to my mom and let her know what options she has and must chose. Either way a caregiver is needed whether she stays home u visit and ur brothers must participate. If she’s with you and say lives on a lower level u have to have a caregiver/ sitter when u want to go out. You can’t do it all alone. I would not leave her out to dry. God does not like that she birth you snd sometimes we seem to forget snd become selfish. They were not selfish when it came to use. So be gentle and see what options you prefer.

I am the only daughter. It’s old fashioned thinking. Unfortunately, I grew up with this attitude in my family. At some point we have to break the cycle.

It’s 2020, and we shouldn’t even be having conversations about gender equality in this day and age!

The truth is that none of her children, male or female are obligated to care for her.

Tell her how you feel honestly and there is no need to apologize for your feelings.

Wish your mom well, offer to help her set up caregiving needs from an outside source.

She will survive and you will have your sanity and peace of mind.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Is there any chance that you can say that your house payments have been delinquent and no way to find more paying work that could end your slide into bankruptcy? Believe me, all your relatives & friends stop calling or seeing you if you can be honest enough to share your financial plight be it real or imagined. It’s never a matter of if this will happen, it’s simply the way it is for most of us. Costs of anything “medical” went from 10% of households budgets 20 years ago to 25% today. Your mortgage may be your most expensive portion of your budget but will be replaced within the next 4 years by medical insurance costs alone, never mind what they don’t insure. IE- you can’t handle the added expenses of “taking care” of others when you can not afford to take care of yourself.

Every situation is unique but when my mother needed 24/7 and she clearly wanted to stay in her own home and she wanted 24/7 to come from me I told her I understood why she wanted to stay in her own home and I respected that. The reason I understood was because I had a home and I intended to stay in mine for as long as I was able. If she was going to stay home she would have to have help from someone other than me.
Big (HUGE) difference was that I lived about 30 minutes away so I could promise to personally meet and "train" everyone who would work for her. Perhaps that is a role in which her husband's daughter and maybe even your brother can assist.

Unfortunately your story is not an uncommon one. The answer however is not easy because it mostly requires a series of difficult conversations. I am going through the same thing but by asking for input on this exact site I have been able to have the difficult conversations with my mother about her own care. In the end the children are not there to be the caregivers to their parents. Discussing with your mom what her future plans are for her care is going to take a lot of willpower and it’s going to take several episodes of denial and most likely blaming you for not loving her enough to invite her into your home and into your life. The first question to ask your mother is what is her financial status and what is her plan on care once she gets to the point where she can no longer care for herself. I had to remind my mother that I work a very demanding full-time job and that I would not be there to care for her the way she needs to be cared for and to be honest I don’t think that it would be good for my own sanity or my marriage to have my mother requiring everyone’s full attention and help (my mother just happens to be a malignant narcissist)
The second question to ask your mother is why does she feel that it is your responsibility to meet her care needs. That is a question that I can guarantee you she will stumble on because my mother certainly did. The best she could come up with is because I gave birth to you and you have to. My mother even brought up the fact that there is an old law on the books that states that the kids have to take care of their parents. She was prepared! This one question is going to open up a lot of conversations and probably a bit of yelling. Just stay calm and continue to ask your mother why she feels that it is your responsibility and duty to care for her as she gets older. Eventually she will start to understand that it is not your role and that she has to take responsibility for her own care. Now this does not mean that you would not be there to help her through the process and to help her when you are available and willing to do so. Keeping that line of communication open but defining what you are willing to do will at least let your mother know you are not abandoning her.
As for your older sibling who lives 15 minutes away, I would suggest having a conversation with that sibling and asking them what has happened that they are not willing to assist. I had the same thing in my family and it turned out that my sister was abused after the older kids had left and she just had no mental or emotional capacity to help. And to be very honest with you, I don’t blame her one bit. This may not be your siblings story but it is certainly worth asking the question so that you don’t lose that relationship. I have actually become closer to my sister than I ever have been and I’ve also learned a lot more about my own parents. Some of it was good and some it was very bad.
I hope you are able to start to resolve this issue, not necessarily for your mother but for yourself. I know how heavy this burden weighs on a person. It affects everything in your life and every moment of your life. It is a shame that some parents put that kind of burden on their children instead of working to have a loving relationship. In closing I can imagine your mother is scared of getting older but she is very lucky to have a child that is willing to assist her through that phase of life. I wish you all the luck and all the strength that you need to get through this.

I am my Mother’s 24/7 caregiver and have been for 21 years. I have 5 bio kids. All grown. I devoted my entire life to them. I am doing the same for my Mother. My siblings won’t help. My husband was diagnosed with a genetic terminal illness several years back. I thought the kids would change their lives a tad and be happy to assist where needed. They didn’t. I was mortified and heartbroken. I have always had a close relationship with them and still chat with them several times a week. However, i’d be a liar not admitting that when the shock and disappointment wore off, I found myself having had lost the deep admiration and respect I’d always cherished regarding my kids. Some people are true givers. Self sacrificing. It comes automatic to them to do what they feel morally must be done. What they feel to be a family responsibility. Others are able to justify not taking care of their sick and elderly. We all are aging daily. E will need care one day. It’s not out of the normal thinking range for a parent to assume their kids will want to take care of them. When we have children and we care for them and rear theme honestly think they will forever adore us as we do them. In a parents mind we always remember our children as the tinge babies we bore. We never realize just how easy we one day will be forgotten. It’s traumatizing actually. No parent wants to be with strangers or forced to accept they aren’t that important to the kiddos they raised!! Something to ponder actually.

You should be absolutely up front with your mom letting her know how you feel and what her options are

Personally I do not expect or want my daughter to take care of me. I’m planning for my long term care. I raised her to have a beautiful life on her terms.

There is no point in having that conversation until it is absolutely necessary.  Why strain the relationship when you have no idea what is going to happen.  She could have a stroke tomorrow or require an amputation due to her uncontrolled diabetes.  If those things happened she would have to be in a long term care facility of some sort that has the equipment and manpower to handle someone with those issues.  Let her say whatever she wants right now and only deal with it when you absolutely have to.  You have already talked to her and she is unwilling to consider alternatives. 

Your mom made the choice to take her mother in.  That is on her and in no way obligates you.  You have a choice too and if you choose not to be a martyr, do not feel guilty.  You are entitled to a life and you can love your mom and assist your mom without running yourself into the ground and making yourself miserable.   When the time comes you can help her move and find a nice facility to go to...it can even be closer to you if you or her would want that, so that you can visit with more frequency.

Do not move her in...you will regret it and be miserable.

Doing nothing only makes it worse.
Moving her in with you CLEARLY SETS THE EXPECTATION YOU WILL CARE FOR HER.
Sit down with her have a very clear and frank discussion. Have your spouse and or sibling there with you when you have this conversation. Do not have it with her alone or she WILL deny the conversation ever happened. Have a plan be ready when you have this discussion or be prepared to help her map out the alternative plan

Hello, I had the same issue and I flew in found the very best home care provider, ask hospice who they recommend in her town? They know who is good. I said I was paying and he needed to meet the owner. He did and then the ball was rolling met the caretaker and it was a natural flow. I said either you hire someone after he met them or I cannot leave you. I have responsibilities too. Then promise to go back once a month or whatever makes sense. Good luck

I am shocked sometimes how selfish people are these days! Your brother was extremely cruel to say he would not take her to the hospital when she was ill. Family is supposed to BE FAMILY! Your mom understood that when she cared for her mother. Sometimes it is not all about you! Sometimes you need to help others too. I understand you may not always be able to help. Be honest with your mother ...but NEVER cruel! You may think these facilities that care for our elderly are all wonderful. I can tell you for a fact that they are NOT! Why do you think people do not last long after being placed in one. It is good to try to find in home care, but be careful there too. I wish you all the best and pray your mother and her husband will improve.

Please set your boundaries now before you get roped in because of guilt. You owe her nothing - especially giving up your own life to be her caretaker. She has options and she best understand this now. My mother has been here by me for 9 yrs now. She forced her way in because I was weak at the time due to my dad having just gone into a nursing home and my beautiful sister dying of a brain tumor after 11 months of diagnosis. So my mother took advantage of my frailty at the time and forced a move near my husband and me. She was 85 yrs old at the time. Now she is 94! You must consider the fact that this could work out to a longevity factor. If I had to do it all over again, I would have insisted she take a year to think about things (and me too), before we arrived at any decisions. My health has suffered terribly and there were times I didn’t think I would be here to continue caring for her. I pulled back, set up boundaries and am fully prepared to send her to a NH or a hospice facility if her health gets to the point where she can’t manage on her own anymore. She is in end-stage chf, but she’s been at a certain end-stage for over a year! I took back control of my life 4 yrs ago. It was 5 years of complete and utter misery before that. (For both of us I might add). We were always like oil and water and we still are. Give her options to make a decision for herself, so she is in control of her own destiny.

Just a perspective, as babies, they carried us thru years of life. The 2 years I gave as caregiver I did the best I could to carry a 96 year old, baby as his health declined. Whatever he could do on his own, I gave him the lattitude of that self sufficiency. Nobody wants to be a burden. And at hte end he was only concerned that he rest of his family, all of us, were going to be OK. Almost like he was asking permission to opt out at that point ? Or that if there was even just one more thing he could do, that he was there for us like he had always been.

If you have the luxury as a 24/7 caregiver, that's just paying it forward. Everyone does what they can. I slept light to hope to catch anything before it was a catastrophic event. Did that for Mom & Dad's dog too, the dog was family too.

Perhaps that's why your brother who lives15 min away doesn't help. More than likely he is the one who has made suggestions to her about getting some help and he's tired of being told no. He just figured that she'll need to suffer for a while till she swallows her pride and accepts help. Just because you are the girl doesn't require you to do what mommy wants. Simply tell her how it's going to be, like it or not. Once you tell her no a few times, eventually she'll get desperate enough to get help. Quit enabling her. Please learn from my mistake and once my friend woke me up to quit trying to please mommy, the better off I was and most importantly, the better off she was as well. Good luck to you!!!

I have to agree with her some. My kids, especially my daughter knows she will be the one caring for me. My one son will do a lot but my daughter will be my caretaker. She knows it and was brought up knowing it. Her husband knows it. That is what family is for. I took care of my mom, she has passed and now I take care of my dad and these are adopted parents. It is hard but if your relationship is strong it will work out. No one can ruin your marriage unless you let it.

I have to agree with her some. My kids, especially my daughter knows she will be the one caring for me. My one son will do a lot but my daughter will be my caretaker. She knows it and was brought up knowing it. Her husband knows it. That is what family is for. I took care of my mom, she has passed and now I take care of my dad and these are adopted parents. It is hard but if your relationship is strong it will work out. No one can ruin your marriage unless you let it.

Hi there, no need to feel sad or guilty. Best for you to set limits now or be unhappy with yourself later. Mom needs to know this can't be expected, it's optional from you...those who need help don't get to dictate terms, although I experienced it in my life and have seen other people locked in this way. Once you say "these are the limits" you have established independence and gained respect. And if, for some reason, this causes friction, than the person you perhaps obsessed in pleasing isn't worth it. Your Mom should also express gratitude. I had a similar family situation in which three people came from two hours away to help an 87-year-old and the person who lived 15 minutes away moved out. This drains people more than they realize and you will never get all the gratitude you are due anyway, so tell Mom ...."this is what I can and am willing to do." Her response will tell you volumes, one way or the other. Good luck. Take care of YOU first.

Call Adult Protective Services and and say your mother needs help. when you get a assigned worker state "the above" info. Tell the worker you may need to be there for him or her to get into the house. Remember let the person do the evaluation and you only talk when asked to say something.

Some people live a very long time!

The parents are miserable for living so long in misery.

The children are miserable caring for miserable parents.

So who wins? No one!

Just curious, I wonder how many of our parents took care of their parents?

My parents did not care for their parents so they had no clue how hard it was to be a caregiver.

I think adult children should be more concerned with their own future rather than focusing on their parents care.

This has nothing to do with love. Love does not mean that children must care more about their parents than they do themselves.

If a child chooses to be a martyr for a parent that is their business but they should not feel that their choice is right for everyone.

Have you noticed that people who preach this nonsense do not have anyone living in their own home and if you ask them why not they always have an excuse! Unless they offer to care for your loved one, they need to keep their mouth shut!

Caregiving is an individual choice and no one else’s business but your own. No need to defend or explain to others.

You have as much right to say no as she does. Resoundingly NO!

Of course the conversation will be difficult, of course she will guilt trip you, of course she will throw everything that she has ever done for you in your face, however, that doesn't change the FACT that you are not willing to be her solution.

I had to tell my mom that she can expect anything she wants to but, I will not be doing any hands on care. I will advocate for her, I will make sure that she has the care she needs but, I won't fight her. If she says no in home help I say, okay, I am not now responsible to do it for you because you refuse anyone else. Many tears, lots of accusations and general heartache but, I am not her solution and I never waiver. You have to take any hope that she can wear you down away from her, period. If she thinks that you might cave in she will be relentless and make you crazy.

I would approach it from the conversation you over heard. "Hey mom, I heard you speaking with...and I just wanted to clarify that I am not going to be taking you in. So I think that we should discuss what you want. Keeping in mind that you moving into my home or me moving here isn't going to happen. As much as I love you I am just not capable of taking on that role. So what is your plan in the event that you can't continue to live alone?" Put it on her to come up with an alternative and stand your ground, you deserve to do as you choose as far as being a caregiver for her and no amount of drama from her changes that.

Best of luck. It is a rotten position to be put in by our parents. I personally think it is selfish to even think that you can move in on your adult children without their agreement.

Update: my mom was taken to the hospital last Sunday and treated for what turned out to be a sever kidney infection. She came home on Tuesday. I have been working hard and was able to work with the social worker at the hospital secure home healthcare as a follow up to the recent hospitalization. It’s been like a second job getting things going, but I hope it will make a difference. I was able to get a nurse to visit for a few weeks, as well as a physical therapist and occupational therapist. I even managed to get a doctor to do a follow up at her home and manage her care during this recovery period.

I am extremely exhausted and stressed out from trying to manage it all, to be honest. This makes me even more aware of the fact that I am not cut out to do this 24/7, even if I wanted to. I have been feeling tremendous guilt over my feelings and to be honest have found myself crying on my kitchen floor more than once from being so overwhelmed. And this is just dealing with one hospitalization. I see what others on this forum deal with and I have so little confidence that I can do it.

the thing I am struggling with now is really what happens from here. She is extremely fatigued, but my hope is that this is just a side effect of everything she has been through in the past week. My hope is that she will get better so I can have these conversations about the future with her.

Despite what some may think, I do love her very much. I am trying to find balance and feel like I am fighting for our separate lives: fighting for her to be healthy and independent and fighting to keep the life I have worked to build for myself.

My confidence and self esteem have taken a real hit lately. I am so grateful to everyone for your thoughtful comments and advice. It really helps. I appreciate you all so much.

Treecrout: I did see your update about 30 minutes ago. You are going to require respite, else you fall faint and ill. Prayers sent.

A lot of people judge on here but we arent called to be judge. I will give my story though. I used to be Director in hospital and stayed home with kids. Later economy was bad and nobody wanted a 50 year old woman. Saw ad for CNA and thought I could do that. Got activity license and kitchen license. I.have degrees from Purdue. Thought God sure loved my mom and husband, both disabled. My mom was in 4 facilities and none of them took care of her. She had bruies, falls, UTI' s, falls, dehydration. I spent so much time going back and forth spending all that money. She was going on medicaid and seeimg the place would do nothing for a leg brace or eyes or uti I brought her home. In 1 year husband goes on medicare after waiting 2 years. I will buy from market which is expensive but I cant leave my Mom. I was in hospital twice with sepsis and almost died. Left 2nd time after 7 days and found cat sick. Never had anyone to take care of me. 2 people and several animals to take care of. Didnt see how we could live on 50 percent pay on husband loosing job and gettimg disability. Accountants said we paid insurance premiums after tax so amount isn't taxed. We have more than 100 percent net. God provides. I also get paid through his LTC insurance to care for him. I dont get insurance but the extra is going in savings for my retirement. Is it easy? No. Mom.with Alzheimer's and husband with parkinsons dementia but it is what it is and by the grace of God He abundantly supplies. My time is coming. I am.going to write another book and move in 2022 where I will have more support and new job. God doesnt waste anything. Right now I need time to pack and paint. Not everyone is meant to be a caregiver but I am amazed at how God can use everythimg we go through and turn it for our good just like Joseph.

Your have a lot of answers here, all agreeing that you do NOT have to take on the role of care-giver. Your mother sounds like she is still mentally competent so this is the time to make a plan. Your brother and step-sister should be happy to take part in this planning, because it will get them off the hook too.
This site has info about finding care and making a care plan. POA can't wait, get that soon. One person answered with wonderful, gentle ways to get the conversation started. (Sorry, I don't recall who). Lovingly offering to help develop a plan together, in her best interest, may open her mind to the idea. Wanting the best for both of you, needing to be sure all her needs are met, doing what is in everyone's best interest, etc. Caring for her husband with Alzheimer's should be an eye-ooener for what kind of a commitment it is.
Best of luck to you.

I have a family member who I believe expected me to be her caregiver. My relationship with her was a gut-wrenching cycle of abuse and attempts at isolation (fueled by mental illness), but I believe I was being groomed to be her one and only caregiver and her ticket to avoiding a nursing home. Her biggest fear was a nursing home AND I likely was one of the few people she knew who even had the capability to provide any care. As someone else stated, once she figured out that I would not be caring for her she dropped out of my life as I had no other value to her. Fine with me and I'm beginning to do better and I'm getting some perspective on what happened with my relationship with her. When I was in it, I really didn't see the forest for the trees - controlling people count on this being the case!! She never flat out asked me to be her caregiver. I believe she feared my honest answer and decided to continue grooming. I think she thought she would just wear me down and isolate me from others such that the only relationship I had was with her. She dropped lots of hints (often very angrily/aggressively) that she was expecting care and did not want a nursing home. I never agreed to anything, but she probably believes that I did. Difficult relationships make it even tougher to have difficult conversations, so I never did "refuse" to provide her care as she aged - I just never agreed. I stayed in the loop because I figured it was the right thing to do at that time. I still worry that I'll get the call one day that she's hospitalized or at the police station. At this point, it's a lot more legit that I would not even know the first thing about how to care for her. Assumptions are dangerous. I think she thought I was beaten down enough by her that I was eating out of her hand. Never assume what others will do. Even if someone promised care, there's no way to know if they will actually provide the care or be able to do so.

Tree, moving away to live your own life is not selfish.

I was raised in a city that I refused to raise children in, so I moved away. It is after all my life and my choice where I want to live my life.

My step children moved to Tennessee, we honor the fact that they CHOOSE to live their lives in a different city then they were raised.

We don't think for one minute that they are selfish but, we would be VERY SELFISH to lay a guilt trip on them because we don't want to have strangers in our home or move to a facility. Our choices don't obligate them to servitude and neither does your moms.

I opted out of caregiving for my ILs myself after the MIL threw a tantrum at me.

That day I had broken up a phone fight between my SO and his brother's wife about whether he, SO, should volunteer to do her daytime shift on top of his nighttime shift. This was the first time I went along to one of the nighttime shifts and I mentioned the fight to the FMIL: She's working 70 plus hours and he's working 120 plus here, wouldn't it be good if they both got a break?

Her response? First the crying, then telling me that she had paid for his car insurance and threatening to bring out her checkbook so I could personally see, then banishing me upstairs to my room, a la Handmaid's Tale.

That's only part of it but it solidified my decision. If he wanted to elect to be paid nothing and live there full time versus getting a real job with real benefits, I told him there'd be no point in him living with me.

His parents are literal 1 percenters. They have two boys. The Brother's Wife is now employed there at 50 hours and has taken the role on as manager. I can't stand Brother's Wife and will not work, let alone volunteer underneath her, for one minute. SO probably dislikes her more.

He's on the verge of getting a job now. A real good one. But every day the calls from Mommy and Brother's Wife continue.

Some of the responses, it's heartbreaking to read that some think they can turn their back on another that was there for them. I hope those folks get nothing of an inheritance, certainly don't merit that as a beneficiary for not stepping up into the moment. Maybe they do/don't care about that. I see what my parents did to live as long as they did, to be there. What value does one even begin to place on that ? I know both parents expressed a concern at the end for the well being for the family they created and raised. They sacrificed along the way, their own health & what they could have done. In case anyone noticed, the financial & investment of effort takes it's toll. FCOL, they perpetuated the human race & that should be acknowledged.

In my own situation, I found out real fast when the caregiver role ended, how some as surviving (for lack of a better term) family felt about me. I mean we all were getting whatever we were getting as an inherited portion of any estate left over from it all. I certianly could have said "No" to it. The 2 years, I had with Dad & dog, I have those memories, nobody else will because they opted out. At a certain point into it, I couldn't just turn my back & walk away from either of them. It's really what your character is about. All of this other stuff, will be left on this side of the life & after-life experience any way. I can see why this world really is where it is. The reward(s) truly are on the other side. Just remember eternity is a lot longer than even the as much as +/-century anyone gets on this side. If you don't believe in something higher, you will if you ever are caregiver and there at the last moments of who you cared for. There are a lot of things that happen if you're paying attention,

At the end we had home healthcare for the final 5 days, anyone they sent over for a shift, they observe what anyone would call the "supernatural" for lack of a better term for that. I lived with them, so I stayed there, I asked others to join me there in the final days, nobody would take that offer up just the same. So they missed out on it, not me though, greatest event I ever was able to witness. We all have an aura, call me crazy or insane all you want, but what I witnessed was that release of energy back into the universe, you're either there to witness it or you miss it. I cemetery visit periodically, prior to that need the dreams come back of a lifetime of memories as cherished events. I come away with a rejuvenation from those visits. I regret moving even as far away as I have, the 1st year post mortem, I had the luxury of riding a bike there, now it's a 3 hour round trip. I'm also the only one to have shovelled dirt, buried their dog with both parents. To the day I pass, I won't regret not moving on. Where I live now, I have my own cemetery of sorts, I was able to keep enough ashe residue from the plastic bags to ceremonially create that memorial for myself. That much is worth more than any worldly possession anyone ever received. If you survived 2020 to this point, I've survived hurricanes, life events themselves. All of it is really insignificant in the grand scheme of being there at the end. My parents passed before COVID, those that lost in this COVID era have something similar that I will never know of in that. We all are given a time frame that may or may not mean anything to another. That time is your frame of reference of life with loved ones. Take that and cherish it for eternity. The moment you cross over, you may meet up with them or not. In that moment, you may spend eternity with or without them. I truly believe we are reunited, that is if anyone is worthy of that reunited event. The rules change on that side, there is no disease, no man-made financial hardships, you're either worthy or you aren't, aura & character.