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What I ended up doing with my brother was I always came in, said hello and then sat in the corner of the room where I was out of his view but he knew I was there. Mostly, he just let me sit there quietly reading but sometimes he asked me to leave. I always complied, said I loved him and then sat outside his room reading. Every so often, I'd go in and drop off a glass of water or just peek in and not say anything and then go back out. I like to believe he felt comfort knowing I was nearby because I had been his lifeline all his life. However, I also know it was too painful for him to see my face so I kept it brief and only peeped in every now and then. When he was receptive, I told him I loved him and sat for a moment by him. I let him set the course. Sometimes he was willing to have me sit with him and sometimes he wasn't. It's painful but important to just go with the flow. I'm so sorry to hear that you are losing your dear one. What a blessing it has been to have shared a life with a parent that included so much love and devotion. You are in my thoughts & prayers.
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eselman1 Mar 2020
this is beautiful thank you. I appreciate you taking the time and your thoughtfulness.
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I don't know anyone who has been through this, but I do know plenty of people whose loved one died in the short minute family members were out of the room. I was with my grandmother when she died, holding her hand. I nodded off for maybe 2 minutes and I guess my hand dropped from hers and she died in that short while

I think she simply does not want the two of you to see her pass. Is it possible to be in the room but out of her sight line?
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flstfrider Mar 2020
This is the same thing my mother did.

Dad was by her side for her entire illness. In the end, she had severe dementia and was confused, unable to talk coherently, and on a lot of morphine. My brother drove for 2 days to be there for him, and took him out for a bite to eat. Dad waved and said "We'll be back soon!" My brother and I were there and she went about 10 minutes later.

Dad was devastated, but we explained to him that she loved him so much she didn't want him to be there when she died.

That's what your mother is likely trying to tell you - and/or she doesn't want you to remember her "like this". Tell her how much you love her and how she is your beautiful mother no matter what, and you'll remember all the times you had together.
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Actually, I do have a sort of similar story.
My cousin was very ill with cancer. She was about to allow the doctors to put her in a medically induced coma and knew she would be on a ventilator, feeding tube and other wires and hoses and she knew there was a very good chance she was not going to live. Before she went under sedation, told her spouse and daughter that she did not want her mother allowed in the room to see her like that. She knew it would send her mother over the edge. Sadly, her mother DID see her in that state the night she passed and it was a horrible experience.
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It is well known and I find this to be true, IT IS MUCH MORE DIFFICULT TO BID FAREWELL TO THE ONES WHO WE LOVE THE MOST. Eselman1 Your Mom can not bear the thought of being with out You or Your Dad simply because She loves the two of You the most. Now Your Mother is in transition preparing to go to the next Life and as You can imagine this is all very unnerving for Her.
{{{{Hugs to You & Your Mom}}}}
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