My mom is at the end of her days on hospice care and she still recognizes us. My brother sister and I and our families all live very close so one of us is there daily to visit her. I have gone almost daily. She lights up a bit when she sees her grandchildren walk in or even her best friend. It is hard for me to describe my relationship with my mom but it was the most beautiful love story. She and I have always been so close and I am 45 years old, however just recently she doesn't want me or my dad there. She won't hold my hand and she speaks very few words but has mustered the ability to tell me to "get out" twice and she looks at me with total anger and almost detest. She is only doing this with me and my Dad. I am heart broken and its making the end even worse. I don't want this to be what I remember. My loved ones are trying to justify that it is because we are the closest and also my Dad, her partner for 56 years, that it's too painful for her to leave us so she has to pull away. I haven't found anyone else who has experienced this. I want to honor my mom's wishes but has anyone experienced this first hand? I would be so thankful to hear any feedback or advice on how to get through this.
{{{{Hugs to You & Your Mom}}}}
My cousin was very ill with cancer. She was about to allow the doctors to put her in a medically induced coma and knew she would be on a ventilator, feeding tube and other wires and hoses and she knew there was a very good chance she was not going to live. Before she went under sedation, told her spouse and daughter that she did not want her mother allowed in the room to see her like that. She knew it would send her mother over the edge. Sadly, her mother DID see her in that state the night she passed and it was a horrible experience.
I think she simply does not want the two of you to see her pass. Is it possible to be in the room but out of her sight line?
Dad was by her side for her entire illness. In the end, she had severe dementia and was confused, unable to talk coherently, and on a lot of morphine. My brother drove for 2 days to be there for him, and took him out for a bite to eat. Dad waved and said "We'll be back soon!" My brother and I were there and she went about 10 minutes later.
Dad was devastated, but we explained to him that she loved him so much she didn't want him to be there when she died.
That's what your mother is likely trying to tell you - and/or she doesn't want you to remember her "like this". Tell her how much you love her and how she is your beautiful mother no matter what, and you'll remember all the times you had together.
My dad died in 2002. He knew without a doubt that I loved him. I fully admit that I was a ‘daddy’s girl’ and I adored my father.
I knew he loved me and he knew I loved him. Yes, we told each other with our words but we showed it with our actions just as you have done with your mom and she with you.
Anyone reading your lovely posting can obviously feel the love from your beautiful words. If we can see it, surely you must know that your mom has no doubt how much you care about her. That is what love is all about, right?
So, I feel there is no need to prove your love. You already have proven it. Your mom certainly doesn’t expect proof, she has certainty of your love. Take this heavy burden off of yourself. She doesn’t want you to be weighed down.
I love my children more than anything else in the world but I am not sure that I would want them to watch me die. Why? Not sure. Why not? Because I don’t know if it would be more than they could handle and I would never want to force it on them or make them feel obligated.
Some people can handle seeing someone die and it has nothing to do with love or lack of love. All I know is that I would always respect a dying person’s wishes and I hope that they would respect mine.
My neighbor once told me that she could never watch her grandpa die. It would break her heart. She wanted to remember him healthy and well. She was very sure that she did not want his death to be her last memory. She chose to remember how he lived.
My neighbor’s grandfather understood that she was unable emotionally to watch him die. He told her mother for her to do as she needed to do and that he loved her and would never ask more of her than she could give.
I realize that you want to see your mom but sometimes it is hard for them for others to be present. We are all different.
I know of too many instances where a person stepped away for just a few moments and when they returned the person had died. I personally don’t feel this is a coincidence. My friend who is a nurse told me that she has witnessed this many times.
Take care. I wish you peace during this difficult period.
She may be hurting and wants to cause u less pain but it is creating the opposite.
On your next visit just tell her how much you love her again and u want to be there and that though it will be hard, you will be ok and u will help your dad.
U probably have already tried it but keep trying. Talk to the hospice social worker and chaplain for support and maybe they can help u get to the bottom of the issue which will give all involved peace during this very sad and fragile time.
Hugs and prayers love
Twenty years ago I spent 13 hours a day for 2 weeks at the hospital to be with my terminally ill dad. I left briefly to go walk my dog. The hospice nurse said he died within 5 minutes of my leaving. My mom was with him; the hospice nurse said he probably didn't want me to see him die.
My mom just died 2-6. I was in and out throughout. The night before her helper stayed with her overnight so I could get some sleep in the spare room. At 5 the next morning I went to take over from the helper. I laid next to my mom and told her "I'm here. Go to sleep. Just go to sleep." Four shallow breaths came. I waited for the fifth, and it did not come. That quick. She just waited long enough for me to show up. Very peaceful. So again...please just honor her wishes and you will be at peace however it goes. Best wishes.
Then she moved her mom... :( I treasure those days...
Keep the music and the dancing going.. It's good for everyone..
I would tell her: Mom, Dad and I love you very much. This is so hard on us. we want to stay with you...
She is having a difficult time with this. Get the Chaplain in so you can talk with her, dad, and chaplain at the same time. She is so scared. She thinks it will be easier if she doesn't see you...It's going to be harder...Just tell her you won't stay long, but bring in music, and things she may like to listen to or watch. Home movies? I don't know, Maybe she doesn't want to think of you two hurting as she does.... Tell her you will sit quietly in the corner of the room, but you need to be there. Tell her it's okay...
I am praying for you. This is hard. At the end, it will be okay. it seems to be...My dad was very noisy when he passed. He was always in my ear. :) And when I did what he "said", I would hear his laugh. When your mom passes, she will give you signs. too. listen and be open to her "voice".
Perhaps be firm with her. Mom I Love You. Don't push us out now when we need to be here the most. If not for you; then for us. She loves you too much. Sometimes, they need to be alone to pass away. I am so sorry... You just don't need to feel guilty about anything. KNOW YOUR MOM LOVES YOU VERY MUCH, BOTH YOU AND DAD... Don't be sad when you see her. Bring in music she likes. and maybe don't say anything.. Let your heart guide you.
fun memories to see if you can get her talking and even maybe laughing. It’s most awful time but precious. Good luck you need a lot of strength to get you through. Get siblings if you can to try and get her to understand she is hurting you. We were closest to her as we lived closest and she depended on us the most for the last 15 years although she still spoke to others she saw us more and then last months of her life we were treated like outsiders. We still got hugs and allowed to visit but snapped at quite a bit. I hope you can find a way for her to allow you to visit again. I think the family have to rally and say no mum but if that doesn’t work you really don’t want to upset her. Get others to try photos of you and your dad and tsk about you both missing her see if that helps. Gee it’s so hard. Hang onto love you had and try to keep your chin up. Who knows the answer no one really. Hope nothing I said hurts you. I hope you find courage to go on. It’s takes so much energy
Her mother behaved in the same way towards her and only her. When I asked her why, she said it was because her daughter had put her in hospice and she wanted to die at home.
As others have mentioned, there is at-home hospice care.
At home hospice is more difficult for the surviving family, IMO, but dying people can often be very self-absorbed in their demands, whether or not they have been diagnosed with some type of dementia, and even if they were never self-absorbed prior to their illness.
She is probably very sad and angry that she is leaving you behind and it makes her hurt. Love is a strange thing - it is a thin line between love and hate. Keep loving her and do it in a special way. Leave flowers and sweet notes expressing your appreciate and let her know that she will always be loved for who she has been in your life. I know it hurts, her transition to death maybe heart wrenching to her, she has to leave you and your dad behind her favorite treasures.
Also, love yourself while she is going through this process.
It wasn't! Mom's presence forced GG to be 'there and present' and she wanted to go.
One afternoon I spelled mom off for a few hours. I asked GG what she was hanging on for--she was very aware she was dying. She said "Your mother won't leave me alone!" We talked of a few things, she said when mom wasn't there, Grandpa would come and want her to 'leave with him'....and then mom would pop back in and GG felt it was 'rude' to leave her there.
I told her that next time Gpa showed up (she'd been widowed 36 years!!) to take his hand and go. I told her I would ask mom to take some breaks.
Asked mom to stay home the next day and either go to Church or just sleep in--that I'd go stay with GG. I didn't have any plans to do so--but in the few minutes between night and morning, she quietly slipped away. Mother was distraught that she'd 'died alone' but I spent a lot of time calming her and saying 'dying, for GG was a personal experience and she was NOT alone'.
After the initial grieving--mom came to understand. GG had a peaceful passing and she got it the way she wanted. She was 95, so a good, long, happy life. But, oh, how she missed her sweetheart!