Some of you may know my mom is out of town right now. She is currently at my sister's house and will be meeting up with my brother tomorrow who will take her to her cabin in PA where she plans to spend the summer. (I have serious doubts she will be able to stay all summer as my brother doesn't want all the extra hassle, but that's a post for a different day).
The doctor who did my mom's neuro-psych evaluation sent a letter to the DMV in Florida requesting a medical advisory review concerning her ability to drive safely. The letter came today so I picked it up. My mom had intended to have her mail forwarded to her cottage as she has done in previous years but apparently hadn't gotten around to it. No shock there and I was hoping to intercept this letter as I feel if she got it she would have thrown it away.
The letter has a fairly extensive medical questionnaire that she is required to give to her "personal physician" to be completed and returned within 45 days or her license is revoked.
After that the medical board reviews and issues their decision. In looking at the questionnaire I pretty much know my mom will not pass.
My mom is going to be so livid. I'm sure first thing will be hating me for "opening her mail", then she'll blame the doctor who did the neuro-psych eval. Then anyone else in her orbit. This driving thing is a HUGE, HUGE deal to her.
Do I try and take this form to the doctors myself, and not tell her? She's not here to do it herself. Plus I'm afraid if I send it to her she will find some clueless doctor in PA, showboat like hell and then ask that person to fill it out, denying that there is anything of importance in her Florida records.
I'm at a loss. She needs to stop driving, but she won't accept it and I guarantee I will feel her wrath directly. We got into it before she left because she refused to let me put a life alert system in place, even after I offered to pay. The charade of independence is STRONG, even though her deficits are obvious and real.
How do others deal with this?
I was able to reach her the following morning and she didn’t know where she was, ended up in a gas station at a Cali/Mexican border town.
we had to go down and get her .. she was having a deluded episode.
I was told by APS to get her license revoked.
So I submitted info to the DMV office that handles such. She too got a letter, she refused to fill out her portion but we took it to her neurologist during her appt, the Dr. charged me $20 to fill out the form
and he stated her dementia was worsening and that she should not be driving. He also said she had failed memory tests 2x’s,
in less then 10 days after I submitted the paperwork back my sister got a letter from DMV safety office stating her license has been suspended due to an unfavorable diagnosis of dementia.
Thankfully she accepted that, and we sold her car.
I want to point out to you that the solution you came up with is one that YOU crafted. Not us. You considered the options and the possible outcomes and you chose a very good way to handle this.
You are clearly a smart, capable, empathetic and caring person, even to your mom, who may not deserve such a daughter. You are correct in assuming that your task in therapy is to lose the Pavlovian response to the symptoms of your mom's mental illness and dementia. She trained you well to respond to her rages with Fear, Obligation and Guilt. This creates the well-know FOG that you deal with when trying to act and think rationally around her.
You're getting there! My hat is off to you.
ExhustedPiper, You did craft your response. I had 6 years of therapy, and a 50,000 mile checkup now and then. Keep at it, You are cared for by many people and please stay on this forum and let us care and love you. Your husband taking the keys is perfect. Give that wonderful man a kiss and a hug.
I think that it's very common for people who have dementia to be extremely agitated, resistant to care, even aggressive. If it's not this thing, it'll be another and many more. Rarely do we have LO's who have dementia who are compliant, calm, cooperative, etc. It's usually very challenging on a daily basis, and for imaginary things or simple things. For me, reading a lot about dementia behavior and lowering my expectations helped. If you don't you are on a roller coaster ride, waiting for the next explosion. Someone who is comfortable taking responsibility and who can not take it personally will need to lead the way and protect her from herself. Keeping a person who has dementia happy, content and without issue, is just not feasible, based on my experience.
I think your answer as knowing what you need to do in regards to getting the notification to her doctors in Florida makes sense. This has become a legal matter. Her wrath is not more powerful than the law.
Then I am hopeful you sort this out in therapy and eventually find some peace and strength.
It is so hard to be the target! I understand, sincerely. I am in the same boat. As if it is my fault! She tells me every day that she is INDEPENDENT. I try to imagine her beating her chest like a gorilla when she says it for a giggle later -
It sounds like your mom has Asognosia like mine. Refuses to believe she has dementia, or anything else for that matter.
It seems like you know what you need to do. You have two options, since you know that the main thing is that she is not safe driving. You can either... Take the letter to her doctor. I wouldn't say a peep about how it got there, and when she loses her license, blame the doctor. So sorry mom, I can't believe this happened! After you have safely hidden the keys -
Or, you can pretend it never arrived and she will lose her license automatically, right?
I am thinking the first option is your best one. I would be so upset if mom drove and injured / killed someone. And I know you would be too. So, this license battle is in my future. My mom currently has a license, but doesn't drive anywhere. Since she is watched closely. I know if I wasn't here she would be driving! I requested my husband relocate the car keys rack yesterday, just in case!
Hang in there. I hope this helps - it is nice to have company in our crazy boat, right?
Sparkles
I'm going to drop the DMV info off at her neurologist office tomorrow on my way to my therapist. I want her license revoked as soon as possible for the very reasons you say. This is no longer about what she wants, it's NUTS that some seniors think they have the right to endanger others. Well, that's why Florida thankfully has these kinds of laws in place, and her doctor acted on it and now the process starts.
My husband already said the second her license is revoked he will take her keys. If it happens while she is still in PA, my brother will take the keys.
And I will do as you described.... Oh well, that's too bad, but it's the law and you can't drive illegally. Earlier I was all worked up like she might find out I'm helping to facilitate this by getting the form to her doctor. Meanwhile, she won't even know.
LOL, sometimes I have to laugh when I think back on how much this stuff gets to me. We, the targets have to do what Barb suggested- realize it's them and not us.
No wonder my therapist diagnosed me with "Adjustment Disorder"...... yeah no kidding!
Re-seal the letter and put it with whatever mail she has. 45 days and her license gets revoked, right?
Piper, you seem to be bothered by your mom's anger. You take it to heart. You allow the idea of her rage affect what you do.
She's a toddler, intellectually. How would you deal with an actual toddler? By ignoring the tantrum. YOU know what the right thing to do is. Just ignore her yelling and nastiness. Leave. Hang up. Go to therapy if necessary (I would CERTAINLY find it necessary!)
But don't let her dementia and craziness define your self esteem. I understand that this is dementia ON TOP of previously existing mental illness, so all the harder to deal with. But realize that it truly is HER and not you.
I don't want to just put the letter aside, as if it's ignored it might buy her time so to speak because she will claim she never received it so they might give her a fresh 45 days to give the form to her doctor. I don't even trust her to do that right, I could picture her giving it to the pain doctor she won't let me near who keeps giving her Vicodin scripts.
I'm going to take it to her main neurologist and let that doctor fill it out as she was the doctor who ordered the neuro-psych eval that triggered this whole thing, and she also has that doctors report. The neurologist will comply, she has to by law.
After that, I can and will monitor the status of her license, and when it is revoked (which I'm sure will happen) then I'll take the appropriate action (take the keys) and block out her wrath.
Thanks again for being the voice of reason. I really appreciate it.
I think I know what I have to do and that is to take the form to the doctors myself and drop it off for them to complete which they are required to do under Florida law. It needs to be received within 45 days or her license is automatically revoked. It's then another 30-60 days and the medical review board for the DMV will make a decision and it will get mailed.
I don't know if other states have a medical review board for the DMV like Florida. There are lots of seniors in FL so maybe that is unique to us, IDK.
But when her license is eventually revoked I need to know when, and I will absolutely tell my siblings and my brother will need to take her keys (she has two cars, one she keeps here, and one she keeps in PA). Aside from the obvious dangers -- if she were to have an accident driving illegally there could be lawsuits, and judgements. But my mom will risk it, because in her mind she drives just fine. According to her she drives better than me. None of that is true just an illustration of how defensive she is on this issue.
I worry about her wrath just like I did when I was growing up. It's pathetic and the reason I am now in therapy.