We’re not sure if he has taken her to the doctor for her memory loss. She sits in the apartment, with nothing to do. He keeps her personal phone, and won’t tell her if we called or tried to text her. He won’t promote her independence, he’ll speak and do everything for her. She is losing the ability to defend herself.
He’s still stealing narcotics from family, and we have a suspicion that he’s spending their money on drugs. When visiting my mother, her hair wasn’t cut in quite some time, and they had very little groceries in the house. We know they bring in enough money for their basic necessities, car and rent, but something is very off! She feels like she can’t go anywhere with her daughters, unless he approves.
If you feel desperate about the situation you can plan to rescue her by going over there with your sisters and their spouses/boyfriends with food and keep him distracted while someone packs some of her things and ushers her out of the home. This only works if she's cooperative. Just because they're married doesn't give step-dad the right to hold her hostage. You can assure her it is only temporary while step-dad "goes to treatment" or whatever story will get her onboard,
This is what my cousins did for their Mom, married to my abusive Uncle. The 3 sons finally got fed up and took a risk and removed her right in front of my Uncle. He's a big angry scary dude but was intimidated by their determination and outnumbered by my brave cousins. My Aunt had dementia and was being totally neglected by that a-hole.
Then someone is going to have to deal with any money issues (like joint bank account so step-addict doesn't drain it) or valuables, etc. Put a credit alert on your Mom. Get a restraining order for the jerk. It's a lot, but it's your Mom.
I agree with Southernwaver, do whatever you can to keep your mom safe.
I would be very concerned about your mom’s situation.
If your suspicions are correct about drugs being involved, then this situation will become worse.
I grew up with an addict. Unfortunately, my brother was an opioid addict. Anything of value had to be hidden or my brother would take it to sell for drugs.
Best wishes to you and your mom.
If mom has memory issues, it's going to be hard to figure out where all the issues come from inside the home. She may not want a haircut. She might be the one paranoid about leaving the house and says she needs his approval. On the other hand, he could be the control freak. You can 'suspect' he's using money for drugs, but you really need to have some proof. Have any bills gone unpaid that they used to be able to cover? Asking kids to pay for things that they used to afford?
Address his drug problem first: Can he care for her while taking whatever it is he takes? Does he have a criminal record for the drug use...probation...etc. If so, children need to get an elder attorney involved to take control of the bank accounts to prevent the money being used for drugs. You may have to get adult protective involved to go in and talk to them separately and see what they think.
It might be time for kid(s) to spend about a week with them. Come up with a reason - visit from an out of town child??? Maybe one of you having some work done at home and need to be out of the house for a week? Observation and a little snooping will be the only way to find out what's going on there.
See if you or one of your siblings can go to the medical appointments with her. Keep a list of all her medications and/or get the list from the pharmacy. See if you or someone that can stand toe to toe with your step-father can get on their accounts to see what the situation is. Also, as recommended below, keep a journal of every interaction. It will help jog your memory should you seek legal help.
See All Answers