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My mother came to live with me as her only option at the time due to her dementia. In a conversation about who my mother would live with is when the resentment started between my sister and I. She's always felt like she's the only one that knows what's best for my mom and she loves her the most. My husband and I planned ahead when doing a home renovation in case a parent needed someplace to go, but she didn't. She doesn't have the space, too many steps, no bathroom that would be accessible to her and her home is just not conducive for a 83 year old with COPD. She doesn't have the money to do any home renovations, so basically she didn't prepare for being able to accommodate my mother. My other siblings agreed that my home would make the most sense so that decision left my sister feeling like we ganged up on her and manipulated my mother's decision. My mother has lived with me for 5 years now and every opportunity my sister gets to create tension she does. She's the least helpful and only does things to help out when its convenient for her. My mother consistently makes excuses for her behavior and is very unappreciative of what the rest of us do. One thing I have come to realize is that they have very similar personalities. They are both manipulative, closed minded, judgemental, ungrateful and totally unaware of who they really are. My sister made a decision to separate herself from us some years back and we still don't know why. As a result of that we only really deal with each other regarding our mothers care. I have tried many times to let my mother know how their behavior affects me, but to no avail. I now find myself resentful, hurt and angry at my mother because of her unhealthy relationship with my sister. I need to take care of myself and by doing that it means my mother has to have other living arrangements made for her. I feel sad that it's come to this and I really didn't want it to come down to this but I'm here now. How am I going to deal with the emotions of making this decision not knowing where my mother will end up or should I not be concerned with that?

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I am surprised her Dementia is not further along in 5 years. Life expectancy of a person suffering from Dementia is 5 to 7 years. ALZ longer more like 10. My Aunt, from time of diagnosis was 12.

Does Mom and sister fit the definition of a narcissist? Dementia can make this problem worse. Please be aware that Mom cannot reason and probably lost that ability in the beginning. She has also lost the ability to process and retain. Dementia patients become self-centered and have no empathy. Meaning Mom does not have the ability to appreciate. We had a family friend who put a walk in shower for us when I had my Mom. He did a beautiful job. He asked her how she liked it, no response. I don't think she realized he did it for her.

"My sister made a decision to separate herself from us some years back and we still don't know why". Sister is no longer in the picture. Believe me, you have to let it go. If Mom mentions her, change the subject or ignore the question.

I too think its time to make other arrangements for Mom. Who has POA because this will be their job? If she can't afford an Assisted Living, than you can apply for Medicaid. Find a nice Longterm Care Facility. All her needs will be met. She will even get a small allowance (in my state its $50)towards personal needs. You just visit when u can.

You are important too.
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misty1031 Oct 2020
Thanks so much for your input. I recently attended a Caregivers workshop where they discussed why caretaking is so difficult when dementia is happening. There are some things I know I need to change and how I let it affect me. Sometimes I do better than others. I also have a new diagnosis regarding my own health and that's been tough so my emotions are all over the place right now. I know it's evident that I love my mom very much but I have to take care of myself first even more now. We will eventually find a place for my mom to live that's comfortable and hopefully happy even if we have to contribute financially to help make my sisters home more conducive to our mothers needs.
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Apart from pissing me off and leaving me to feel like my feelings or sacrifices aren't appreciated the close mindedness and judgements are unbearable. I don't feel like I resent the closeness of their relationship because they have always been close. Because my sister separated herself from all of her siblings years ago I haven't been around to see the dynamics of their relationship. It didn't directly affect me until my mother moved in. Not having a relationship with my sister prior to the move has really complicated things and with her style of communication being texting a lot of things don't get resolved. I don't see this as kicking my mother out. I see this as trying to make the best decision for both of us. If I can't take care of myself than I won't be able to take care of her. The reason I'm reaching out for feedback is so I can make sure I'm not being irrational or left with guilt. I have always been guilty of taking care of everyone else's needs instead of my own and I have paid a huge price for it and I won't do it again. The way I see it is sometimes we go into things with the right intentions and a pure heart but it just doesn't work. If making other living arrangements allows me to keep a good relationship with my mother than it will be worth it. Thank you for your input.
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I am clear that it is really your MOTHER you no longer wish to live with, and that you feel your mother "is like" your Sister, who you don't like, and who you have separated yourself from. So we are back to you have had your Mom for five years and that is quite enough, thank you very much. You already separated from your Sister because of her bad behavior. Simply explain to Mom that you need more separation from her as well, and that she has now to make other arrangements of where to live. That may be with your Sister despite her having not much room, or it may be at a good Board and Care or Assisted Living. Then you can visit when you wish and on days Sister isn't going.
I don't read this as you are forbidding your Mom and Sister to visit one another and if Mom sees your Sister then she isn't welcome in your home. I see it as you have come to realize you can't get along with your Mom any more.
You have a right to move on with your own life as you choose. This isn't about your Sister. It's about your Mom, and your not wishing to do 24/7 care giving. That's fine. We all have limitations.
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misty1031 Oct 2020
Thank you Alva.
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You should tell your trouble making sister that you and your siblings were so wrong 5 years ago and you will be dropping mom and her things off on Saturday. Doesn't matter how the house is situated, only matters that they both get each other.

You sound like you are burned out. Taking care of a full grown human is the biggest challenge we will face. Add contention from siblings, lack of gratitude and nasty personality traits and it can such your life out.

You stepped up and thought that you were doing the right thing, you have given it 5 years and it is no longer working, time for sister to put her desired time in. I always tell people, caregiving works for everyone involved or it isn't working and it is time to change. Time for you to change the situation.

One thing I do recommend, after you have had a break and healed some, continue to be a daughter with boundaries. Do the things that you want and don't stand by and let mom or sister barf their crap all over you. It is okay to leave, hang up, walk away when they or anyone are being ugly or hurtful. Teach them how to treat you by not allowing them to walk on you.

Tough situation for sure, great big warm hug! You can do it!
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misty1031 Oct 2020
I am so encouraged by your reply and thank you so much for reminding me to love me first. My heart is not made for this world!
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" My other siblings agreed that my home would make the most sense"

I bet they did. Someone ELSE can take care of your mother! I think there is more going on here than your issues with your sister. Could it be that you have burnout from taking care of your mother?

Out of the siblings (how many?) how did it happen that you were the one who took your mother in? What kind of caregiving does she require, and can you see doing this until she dies?
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misty1031 Oct 2020
I'm not sure if the current state of this country and COVID have made things seem impossible to me right now if I have burn out or a combination of both. I have three older siblings and the oldest does the most to help. She's recently retired and she's helping out her daughter with her two grand babies while juggling support for our mother. Retirement can truly make a difference as far as availability. She also was the one that took charge and made the most sacrifices for our mother prior to her retiring. I have a sister that's never quite been in a place to where she can be of much assistance financially or otherwise but she has a huge heart and does anything she can do to help out. My mother can walk although it's slowly but with a cane her balance is more stable. I assist with bathing, fixing her meals, monitor her meds and doctor appointments. My house was the only option without placing her in a retirement community with daily assistance which she couldn't afford. Due to her standards of living mentally and physically she would decline. I would love to do this until she passes but not under the current conditions. Thanks for your input.
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Usually when a caregiver has come to the point of feeling like their loved one needs to placed elsewhere, it is because the loved ones care has just gotten to be too much for the caregiver to handle. Is that the case with you, or is the family dysfunction just getting too much to handle? There's a difference between the two you know, so just don't rush to any hasty decisions. Have you shared with your other siblings how you are feeling, and what are their thoughts? You certainly don't want to look back on your choices and have regrets. What needs to be done now is whatever is best for your mom, and if that is placing her in a facility, then so be it. Just make sure that you will be able to live with your choices. Best wishes.
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misty1031 Oct 2020
I believe the family dysfunction is the true culprit here. I have been told that I'm doing a great job with handling the very difficult task of caregiving. My mothers physical and mental health has improved greatly since her move which are both signs of a healthier life. My siblings and I do monthly catch up meetings so I can keep everyone aware of any changes in her health, mental decline or things that we can do to improve our mothers quality of life. My oldest sister is my voice of reason and my right hand so we talk daily. Knowing our mother she knows how challenging it can be to care for her because she lived with her family for a short period years ago when our dad passed. Our mother's emotional maturity is and has always been more like a child. It's so draining on me because I have a family of my own and she expects me to always be around her and engage in conversation even when I'm working from home. This is the thing that's most irritating for me. We all need mental and emotional down time and when I take it she pouts and make comments that I don't love her and never want to spend time with her. She lives through our lives and never really made friends or participated in any activities in spite of us trying to encourage her. I don't want to have any regrets and need to be sure I'm making the right decision for both of us. Thank you for caring.
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Apart from pissing you off and making you despise their lack of insight, how does your mother's and sister's behaviour affect you?

You resent the closeness of their relationship, which you yourself say is based on their similar (and similarly self-indulgent) personalities.

But - to the extent that you have decided to kick your mother out? Really?

If you make other living arrangements for your mother, and feel sad and probably guilty about it, you will of course blame your sister for everything that has happened.

Do YOU think you are being proportionate and rational about this?

What has happened recently that is driving you to this decision?
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