I don't want to do this. I am 20 and in college and feel that I am way too young for this. I have a (male) cousin (my uncle's son) who is around 40, who is also single and not tied down with a family, but has more life experience. I do not like dealing with other peoples' bodily functions. I am not close with this grandmother, she has never encouraged me, and has made put-downs in the past and told me not to aim high. Aside from the fact that I am not close with this grandmother, I just don't want to do this. Even if she were my favorite grandma, I do not want to get involved in her bathroom functions and bodily fluids and just feel grossed out. My other grandmother found out I said no to my uncle's request for the first grandmother and called me selfish and said that if a granddaughter loves her grandmother, she will help her with the bathroom. I don't want to speak to this second grandmother. It just feels like my boundaries have been violated. I have made it clear that I don't get involved in other peoples' bodily functions. Both grandparents have Medicaid, free home health aides, and other services. I am not necessary, and I will resent it if emotionally manipulated into helping them with bodily functions/bathroom stuff. I just can't look at either grandmother right now. I am okay with visiting them but not okay with helping them with personal care once they need it (they both have Medicaid, Medicare, and free Home Health Aides). The second grandmother said that I need to accept that I am a female and that caregiving is a woman's role. I feel like the second grandmother is anxious that I won't help her with bathroom functions when she gets older. And that is true. Bathroom help, bodily functions, and diapers are my non-negotiable boundary. I feel so grossed out by both grandmas right now, I can't even look at them. I feel like a parent has to get over diaper changing if he or she wants to have a baby, but I don't think a young girl in her 20s, who does not have children and has never changed a diaper, should be asked to do this for an obese and manipulative grandmother. Am I overreacting? Am I too sensitive to bodily functions? I've set this boundary, and I feel so violated along with the boundary. And I just feel like I shouldn't even be asked this question in the first place. I don't know if I should feel ashamed because I am disgusted by both grandmothers because of being asked to get involved with their bathroom functions. I just feel like I want to throw up, and I probably would, if I had to go to the bathroom with them. Is this normal? Am I being selfish? Is it okay to set a boundary of no adult diapers/bathroom/bodily functions, especially when they have free caregiving at home and at the hospital, there are trained staff to help with that sort of stuff. I am not even trained in bacteria, gloves, and pathogens. I don't want to be a caregiver.
I find nothing offensive in your message especially since you are willing to do short visits while grandmother is in the hospital.
We are all made differently and I have 4 daughters. I promise 2 would not be able to handle the bodily stuff. They just cannot. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
If needed and you want you can offer other helpful things to participate in the family care of grandmother.
Sounds like grandmother has plenty of nursing type help.
In our present day Covid life you probably should not be visiting her. Call her and send her cards.
When my father was in the hospital I paid his regular caregiver to stay with him for most of the evening until he was asleep. Your uncle can do the same.
I’ve never encountered a hospital that doesn’t assist in-patients with toileting, so I can see no reason why your uncle should ask you to be there overnight. Perhaps your other grandma has already ‘hardened up’, and perhaps she is thinking of her own future needs. That’s her issue, not yours. There is no need to back yourself into a corner about always refusing for ever and ever (and then having to justify that), just say NO now.
If you are a college student, covid, possibly you are in home taking classes, you can take your laptop to hospital and keep GM company.
with that being said, GM should be changed before sleep time.. Try ABRI-FORMS L4 overnight diapers. The next nursing shift should come in early to check on her. That being said, I walked onto the hospital floor and found my mother who was near the nursing station, stripped naked, fast asleep, standing and leaning over her bed.... :( the nurse saw me, and quickly escaped. I loudly protested to the station about mom's condition. Under no circumstances should anyone be left alone naked leaning over a bed asleep........
perhaps, GM may have had a bad experience and uncle is just too shy or uptight to take responsibility of his mom........maybe he doesn't have the strength to handle the delicate issues of mom....... like getting up and close and changing the diaper, making sure she doesn't get bed sores, etc.
by the way,,, I really didn't want to be a caretaker, but,,, when it comes down to it.... you do your best and pray. perhaps you can go in one day a week, and read to her.... just give her treats, read, play music,,, make happy moments... leave the caretaking and nursing to the professionals... It's ok,, just spend a few minutes once a week to smile with her, and bring flowers, brightness to her lil world. It does make a difference. If worried, make your visits short by saying you have a college essay due, and need to finish it... make an escape plan so you are not there longer than you can be. a few minutes a week is ok, especially with COVID
I cried, I asked why she didn't try calling me... I was only a 5 minute drive from her. she didn't want to bother me... I thought I had a better relationship; with her, thinking she knew she could count on me and call my anytime... That makes me ssad.....
I thought I edited before anyone could read my first thoughts... yikes...
and yes, I am freaked out about getting a colonoscopy... but i have friends, one mom recovered from cancer , and another friend needs surgery to hopefully remove all her cancer... a few inches of lower intestines need to be removed... so.. I know it's for health.. and now I am scared because I may have issues, and don't want to face them... Nowi t's about all the what if's...
Please accept my apology for my first edit.. thought i erased so nobody could see it...
Having someone take you there & back is good too, if possible. After the fasting, I nearly fainted on public transport & was so vague I could hardly find the hospital, let alone the right building. Staff often insist on an escort home so no taxis. Ask about that. A smaller private clinic may be more $$ but have less waiting around than a big hospital.
NO-ONE should be lifting patients. Light or obese. Staff or relatives.
Hospitals have standing aides & lifting machines for this purpose. Most in fact have a 'no lift' policy & must adhere to workplace occupational health & safety laws put in place to reduce risk - to staff & patients.
I think the males in your family (Uncle or Father) need a reality check.
Yes they Care. Yes they may worry. Yes they want to help & please Grandma, reduce falls etc - all good reasons. Grandma may be unable to call for a nurse, due to confusion, language or other reasons? Again, good reasons to want to help.
But sending in relatives to lift is NOT the answer.
Tell them to use some COMMON SENSE.
If Grandma is in hospital & needs help to sit/stand/walk then her MOBILITY is the problem! They can speak to Nursing & Physio staff about that.
I use cologuard. The at home kit every 3 years. But my doctor already told me if the cologuard comes back positive, I’ll need to have a colonoscopy. I agreed to those conditions.
But Grandma's health, her weight, her mobility is HER business. Not yours.
Not your Dad/Uncle's either... but hey, if they wish to break their backs then that is THEIR biz (super dumb decision IMO).
I would make crystal clear to all family members going forward that people are responsoble for their OWN decisions. If Dad wreaks his back in this way - you will NOT help him.
Caregiving is not a woman's role. It's a 'person' role - anyone can do it, not everyone will do it. I had furry/feathered children and never changed a diaper or cleaned a rear end in my life, but when no one else was there to do it - I did what I had to do. As for either of my grandparents, I would have jumped into the septic tank if it meant I was helping them. Especially my father's mother - and she was the 'speak her mind' type that could hit the nerve sometimes. I saw her do heavy duty men's work throughout her life. I wanted to be, and am, a strong woman like she was. I would have NEVER told her no about anything. I would never have taken a dollar from her for any tasks I did for her (but that was more common back then - you did things out of respect not for money). Same for my parents - if they needed something, I would have figured out a way to get it done.
Maybe there is a reason they asked you. No one available on a certain night? Are you willing to spend a night in a room with someone and push a call button if the person needs help? If so, do it for one or two nights. You and g'ma may have had issues in the past, but maybe a night with her could create or develop a new relationship. On the other hand, if you can't stand to be in the same room with her - this attitude will show and probably won't resolve any past issues. You can just say no, tell your parent and uncle no and have no other communication with any of the family about it. You don't need to go in to long details about how you don't like body functions. Just the word no. They will find someone else or pay a service to sit with g'ma if they know you are not going to show up.
Tell her: "Grandma, you're right to say that I am a failure just like my mother, so now I am going to live up to your assessment of me." Then click, hang up. Don't show up to help her anymore. She takes your help for granted. Let her be without it so she may know what good thing she had and didn't value.
If your dad asks why you don't help grandma, tell him: "she is verbally and mentally abusing me. I won't stand for that. I am staying away to protect myself."
I am impressed of how strong you are at 20 y.o.. being able to say no, and setting your own boundaries. I don't think I was as confident when I was your age.
It's a tough situation emotionally either way -- whether I distance or don't distance myself. The second grandmother says she's not responsible for her actions. It's our actions or things not going right that make her say these things. But if she's not responsible, then who is? I think I am starting to realize that now. She says she loves us, maybe she does, but I don't think this is love. I don't want to start my adulthood with all of this negativity and put-downs.
Depression? Always snarky, negative comments can be a sign of depression. She could take reaponsibility for her feelings & seek help/treatment.. or chose to blame others instead.
She could be a Pot Stirrer. A manipulative type that stirs & pushes people to get a reaction. Pushes until she gets rudeness. Sometimes the earliest stages of Dementia looks like this.
Or a dramatic type, ie The Drama Queen.
If no drama exists, she will invent it...you are late! The coffee/bread is wrong etc. You may notice she has chosen some victims but leaves others alone (like your Mother).
Have a look at The Karpman Drama Triangle, if you haven't heard of it. Your Grandma's favorite position may be Persucator, attacking you or Victim, blaming you. She keeps trying to make you play her Rescuer. The way free is to not take on these roles. Do just as you did when you took 10 mins in the car. You removed yourself from her drama. Brilliant 👏👏
It takes practice to remain calm, not be triggered. Sometimes a relationship like this is just too damaging so you cut all contact.
Or maybe you only visit for special events or birthdays, always with others present. Clearly defining yourself as Granddaughter (not carer).
That is exactly what I have done myself (as a sister) as when the role blurred it became a nightmare just as you experienced. My one offered car trip became a multistop all day event. One appointment became a weeks worth. I offered occasional help but was assumed a slave. She lost distiction I had a life & assumed I was there to support hers all the time. Like the way a young baby thinks really. Your Grandma sounds the same.
So I redrew my boundaries & quit all care duties. This is self-preservation. It's sad when others don't see this to back you up. Maybe they need to live it themselves to find out. Maybe your Dad & Uncle have been trained their whole lives to be 'good sons' (meaning never stand up to her).
Families dynamics are all so interesting aren't they?
or
a pan under her... just make sure she is not sitting over it for 4 hours... that is not good...
diaper change...
Hoyer Lift if you need to move her somewhere... that takes training too.
This Is Not Your Battle .. Let the hospital staff and the POA figure it out.
Do your job.. get good grades and get out of college and live however.. you need or want to..
Let Social Services, POA, and whoever else is in the legal system...do their job or their interpretations of this situation...
So, now you could consider elder care law... paralegal.. etc.. you now have a lil bit of experience..right :-\ ?
uncle doesn't know or want to deal with it... uncle needs to talk with social services. uncle doesn't have a clue on how to take care of his mom... uncle needs to understand that is okay, but find services that can help him help her.
grandchild doesn't need to be pushed into this type of situation...
hope he finds the right person to help him... he and his mom will be okay, they will find the help they need...