My husband was in a car wreck before I met him and suffered a spinal cord injury. He is disabled with limited use of arms, legs, hands. He is also diabetic type 1. When I met him, I was going thru a divorce of a 22yrs marriage that was somewhat abusive. We were still close during the divorce, even talk about getting married again and doing it right next time. Crazy , I know. Five weeks after our divorce, my ex husband committed suicide. We have 4 kids also, 2 of which were still in school at the time. It was traumatizing to say the least, then 2 months later my father unexpectedly died. I was not myself and very vulnerable but, after my now husband begging me to marry him, I did within that same year. Before we married, he was doing things for himself and I actually admired that in him. 2 weeks before we wed, he fell and broke his arm. He hasn't done anything for himself since. It's not so much caring for him that's the problem but, he doesn't seem to make an effort for himself because he relies on me! I get no sleep, he wakes me up 3-5 times every night to go to the bathroom. If I don't get him there quick enough, I'm up washing bed clothes. I dress him, dry him off after his shower, only because he says he can't. I'm not in love with him, not sure that I ever was. I kind of feel taken advantage of during an extremely vulnerable state. We have no sex, no intimacy what so ever. I'm lonely, feel like a failure. Was given a second chance at a wonderful life and threw it away. Am I a horrible person for being this way and feeling this way? I'm well over half of my life if I'm lucky. I look younger than what I am. But, I feel like I'm not living life. I hate that my husband is so dependent on me. I do care about him. I just want to know how do people make it in a loveless, sexless, no intimacy marriage work or is this even possible at this state???
It sounds like your husband was in need of a caregiver instead of a wife when you got married. Which is understandable. And it sounds like you were in a vulnerable & confused state of mind when you said I Do. Which is understandable.
I can relate. Because I married my first husband more out of a need to escape my mother's home than anything else. I loved him, yes, but I knew he wasn't really the right choice for a mate. I knew that he needed a nurse more so than a wife, because he had mental illness issues that only worsened throughout our 22 year marriage. We had 2 kids together, but things continued to go downhill and the last 10 years of the marriage were in name only. Things were bad. So I finally filed for divorce and moved on with my life. He continued to decline afterward. But I made the RIGHT decision back in 2002.
I don't think it's a wise decision for you to 'grin and bear it' in a loveless, sexless, no intimacy marriage where you are nothing more than a caregiver to your husband. You can try marriage counseling so you're able to say you tried everything before you filed for divorce; to know that you gave it all you had. But unless your husband is able to rehab and become whole again, YOU are going to continue in the role of his caregiver for life, and you will have to resign yourself to that role and be okay with it, in order to stay married. Only YOU can answer the question if that's 'enough' for you.
What bothers me most about your post is the 'no intimacy' part. Sex is one thing, intimacy is another. If he's unable to perform sexually, that's understandable. The unwillingness to touch you or cuddle with you, the intimacy, what's the reason he's not interested in THAT? THAT is closeness; what makes people bond and feel connected. Without sex AND without intimacy, all that's left is a business arrangement, which is not what you signed up for.
We all deserve a full life, regardless of 'marriage vows' or mistakes or anything. Your DH can hire caregivers to come in daily to help him with whatever he needs help with physically; that's what healthcare agencies do. It's not what a wife is supposed to do as her ONLY function.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult decision
I always want to help my wife.
I cook, clean ( everything ), inside and outside of the home.
I work hard,,, and I provide .
I want her to have a better life.
I try to make everything better.
For the last several years,,,, it has been joint replacements (4)
and melanomas (7).... and several other major medical issues.
She can't play Tennis,,, anymore,,,, and that was a major joy for her ( for decades ). That was her passion.
She has OCD and is abusive.
She is mean and nasty all day long.
This has continued to increase,,,,,, that part.....
,,,,,
and
I continue to give/help/do
,,, with the hope she will improve.
as her fear of mental decline has increased.
I care more about her,,,, than she does for me.
She rarely even touches me.
I rub cream on her feet , legs, knees every night for over an hour.
I am touchy feely,,, she is not.
She has sleep issues,,, which I thought I could fix ( by loving her,,,,,) Ha Ha .
We sleep in separate beds.
Anyway,,, I hate how she treats me,,,
I hate ( even more ) that I continue to stay and give.
I am so empty. Drained. Depressed.
I thought ,,, marriage would be passionate,,,
I thought I would be appreciated for what I do for her.
No
sex,,,
no intimacy .
I never got the intimacy that I thought marriage would be.
2 1/2 years without.... any love....
I feel obligated .
I need to be responsible....
a
good husband.
I try to treat others,,, like I would want to be treated ,,
if I was in their position.
Lately it seems like " crash and burn "
I feel it is wrong for me to bail out of this marriage.
and
I also feel that I have bailed out on myself.
maybe ,,,, I just wish,,,,
I was a person,,,
that just loved myself.
Sacrifice ?
Guilt ?
Acceptance ?
Shame ?
This is the first time I have ever responded to any social media thing.
I read what you wrote.
I understood the " commitment to love "
I wanted to respond,,,," run for your life !! "
Maybe I ( just needed ) wanted to say that to myself ?
Am I strong ,,,, and I stay ?
Am I weak ,,, and I stay ?
Why do I stay ?
Not worthy enough to take care of myself ?
I read this in a meditation book years ago,,,
" Like a leaf in a stream,,
It is too silly,,,
to get too attached....
to any particular
part of the journey "
Am I afraid to change ?
or is it
that I love my wife,
who has
mental and physical issues,,,
and I
just love her to the very end,,,
through her fears and struggles.
Well ,,, maybe sharing the " words "
is what helps
to re-leave the pressure built up inside me.
And,,, reading the " words " / pain
from others helps me realize that I am not alone.
Well ,,,
here
I sit ,,,
in the exact same shit.
I guess ,,
that's it.
A real
Crazy Pit.
There has to be a way,,,
to
climb out,,,?
of it !!!
sorry if anything I wrote was hurtful in any way.
But add in OT as well as PT.
If he refuses the OT and or PT you need to have a serious discussion with him.
The idea of therapy for both of you is a sound one.
I would suggest separate sessions as well as joint ones.
I realize this might be 20/20 hindsight but this is one reason that major decisions should not be made for at least 1 year after a major event in your life. Major event would be a divorce, death of a spouse to name just 2. And you had both.
(Bear in mind the marriage vows were written by a man in the 1500's)
It's a sad situation all the way around for sure. You made a rash decision by marrying a man you didn't love, and now you're living with the consequences of that bad decision. You need to do right by him and let him know how you're feeling, and get the ball rolling for a divorce. He deserves better as do you.
Now to answer your question about if you can make a sexless marriage work, because of a spouse being disabled, the answer is yes you can, but there has to be love there from both sides. When you truly love the person you married, you do take your vows seriously, and will do whatever it takes to make things work. But because you say you don't love him, and never did, I can tell you honestly that you will never make it work, so it's best to cut your losses now, because again your husband deserves so much better as do you.
8 years ago he had a major morotcycle wreck which caused a serious head trauma. 3 years ago, he had 2 heart attacks. Both times the drs warned me that impotence could result from either/both accidents.
I finally quit caring. He cannot take ED drugs b/c of his heart.
I know he loves me, just sex was never important to him and so this shouldn't come as a great surprise to me.
We have things we enjoy doing together--and frankly, I sleep a ton better in my own room, as does he.
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