So little space, so much going on. 4 months ago I had to choose to uproot my family or only see my husband a few times a month due to a 2 1/2 hour distance. I chose to take our autistic 10 year old and move with him down to him mom's. We left all of my family and our church behind. We gave up or home and car to my oldest child who is 28. We literally left almost everything we had behind to care for her. At first she resented me being there. It seemed she only wanted her son. Well she called me a B**** and other bad things for awhile. Her son put a stop to thay telling her we would all just leave. He told her, he & I are a package deal and would not live separate. (We have been married 24 years so you fugure she would have accepted me by now.) At the time I felt moving to help her was the right thing to do. I mean she is family and needed care. She had no one else to help her because her only living daughter is in assisted living. We thought she must have serious medical issues we were unaware of if the hospital, elder-care social worker was releasing her home on hospice. She was put on home care through a hospice agency because she didn't qualify for Medicaid. (Apparently hospice does home care now too.)
My MIL (who we now know fakes a lot of issues for attention) needed someone to care for her. Especially after she decided she did not want to ever get out of her chair. After she got a bed from the agency, she decided she wouldn't get out of bed. She asked us to move it to the front room so she didn't have to get up and walk to bed. We check her BP and give her meds twice a day. We make all her meals, clean the home, I graph all her stats, etc.
We also have to have her wear an adult diaper & change her because she refuses to use a portable potty or to clean herself up. I thought this was all due to her med conditions. After talking to the hospice nurse, I learned she is only on hospice because there were no other options for someone who does not want to take care of themselves. The nurse said everything is good. They have provided a bed, a special mattress, walkers, wheelchairs, lifts, pull-up bars, etc which she asked for but refuses to use.
she has GERD, stage 1 CHF, mild COPD & IBS. She is on oxygen because she her lack of movement causes her to have shortness of breathe. ( When she gets this way, her O2 is checked and it is usually above 96.
Another annoyance is she is very loud and vocal when she starts to do #2. The whole house hears her grunt any time of day. Then she asks about the consistency. Ot is normal to soft usually and she is not ever constipated. She also gets upset if someone is not sitting with her 24/7 so she yells at us all hours of the day or night to come do something or just to 'look at this' on tv, in a mag, or on her tablet (sometimes even my 10 yr old).
We have never seen any majorly serious issues and the nurse said she is very attention seeking creating new 'false' issues. This week she said her right arm and leg are weak so she can't get up or do anything. The nurse checked her head to toe and said her pulse is actually better on the right side than the left. The nurse said there's nothing wrong with R except her lack of movement. We have asked R multiple times if she wants us to help her get out of bed to a chair, to a wheelchair, take her out of the house for a few, etc but she always says she can't. She has laid in the bed now 4 months straight. The nurses, my husband & I are at our wits end. I work a full-time job, but thankfully I work from home so that is something.
Sorry for the rant and rave, thank for letting me vent. Any helpful ideas on how to deal with this?
That will either have her jumping up to get out of the bed, or it won't. At least you'll know if she's faking or not.
Then do as you said, sell her house and get her placed.
Good thing your DH was on your side. Maybe Mom should be in the same AL daughter is in? She needs to be told your not there to wait on her hand and foot. Your there so she does not have to go to a home. If she does not stop, she will need to go to a NH and you will leave. And stand behind that.
What a terrible thing this is. You get points for trying to help. In doing that, you've uprooted yourself, your family, left your church, and taken on a job that no one could do right. Your MIL is awful.
She has hospice. Get out of there! Her home is no place for a ten year old autistic child. Get him back to normal living at home.
MIL will do what she does, but she'll be doing it to someone else, not you. She can go to a nursing facility and make them miserable. At least they get paid to put up with it.
You have a good heart, but stop it already. Good luck with moving on.
Welcome to the Forum. You tell us that you aren't certain whether your MIL is manipulative or lonely. There's really no reason she can't be both at once, and then some other things to boot.
You say :
"My MIL (who we now know fakes a lot of issues for attention) needed someone to care for her. Especially after she decided she did not want to ever get out of her chair. "
That about says it all, doesn't it?
This was your choice. You note for us all that you gave up to join your husband in this. By your own choice. You tell us that she "needed care" and give us reasons she could not get said care without you. But, of course, that isn't the case. Otherwise the roadsides would be piled with the bodies of folks who are of an age, but who never had progeny, wouldn't they?
This is the life you chose. It doesn't sound special to me, but you and hubby and MIL together have created this neat and tidy package. When/if you decide to undo it all, I am certain you will. Meanwhile I wish you the very, very best of luck.
You are an adult. Many here will provide you with sympathy, so scroll past me quick and get right to them, because I won't.
I feel that we as adults must hold ourselves responsible for our actions.
Do come and vent whenever you wish to. Goodness knows you are going to need to be able to do that, and this is a great place for it. You will understand that you are not alone in your decision making.
Has she been seen by a Geriatric Psychiatrist? Or any mental health provider?
Dementia? Has she had an evaluation for that?
I understand swooping in for a crisis but not disruption of your family's life to attend someone who needs this level of care.