I originally posted my issue a while earlier. Here's a link to that: https://www.agingcare.com/questions/mom-needs-relocated-to-another-state-162029.htm?cpage=5
I informed the nursing home on Oct 30th that I wanted to be removed from ALL responsibilities regarding my mother. They started the process of removing me financially from any/all liability almost immediately.
Today, I received a phone call at 3:09pm from one of the nurses telling me that my mom is refusing to eat. I called back at 3:19pm, and was told that the nurse I needed to speak with was in a meeting and to call back in half an hour.
I called back 45 minutes later, and was told that *someone* at the nursing home let it slip that I was moving and now my mother is depressed and refusing to eat. I'm unsure what they want me to do about that, as I'm not a doctor.
When I asked what could be done, the nurse tried to guilt me into taking care of my mother and how dare I be moving. I officially went off on her. I informed not so nicely that I worked 3 jobs (prior to getting pregnant) just to afford her dental appointments that are NOT covered by medicaid, and that while I may be her child - I have gone above and beyond MY call of duty.
The nurse's response was: well you're her kid. Well, what would you do if she had no relatives at all? It is not MY call to make if she needs a feeding tube or not. I had to threaten her with APS (Adult Protective Services), and I wasn't very nice about it. I said that this is the reason she is in a damn nursing home to begin with, and it's about time they started doing their job.
Harsh? Yes. But, I'm actually REALLY angry that I am once again being told to "step up" by someone and being lectured/guilted into taking care of her.
Was this the appropriate response? I have been begging the nursing home for over two years to just do their job. What if they call back and want me to make a decision again? Should I just ignore their calls?
PS. I was diagnosed with SPD (Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction), and my doctor said under ZERO circumstances should I be walking or stressing. We already had one scare where the baby almost fell out (Halloween Day) uterus and all. My ligaments/pubic bones have shifted so badly that the baby can actually do that now. I can't even sit on a couch or drive a car anymore.
You are pregnant and the pregnancy is heavy going because of all this - I'm sorry, I have to use the correct English word here - BOLLOCKS. Not Fair.
But anyway, so you are pregnant. You have two young children. You have a husband who, while more than happy to do his share, Q.E.D., would presumably appreciate a bit of mutual support in his marriage and also has a demanding job which I imagine requires the family to relocate at regular 2 or 3 yearly intervals (making it, by the way, out of the question for you to bring your mother into your household even as a satellite - she needs continuity of care, her welfare would suffer). What in heaven's name can make anybody think it is in any way reasonable for you to be the one who also does all the donkey work for your mother and her family?
I wouldn't teach this to your little ones, but learn and enjoy the following gesture. Raise the middle finger of your right hand. Pointing down with your left index finger, describe a circle around said middle finger. So doing, instruct any bullies who are currently giving you a hard time to "sit on this and spin."
I don't know how you can do this, but you need somehow to detach completely from your mother - and possibly the rest of her family too - for a period of time that you can estimate better than I can. Five years, ten years, whatever.
If you can somehow manage this, it may actually save any vestiges of love between you and your mother; prevent irrevocable estrangement from your siblings (okay you might relish that prospect now - and at the time of writing I happen to share the sentiment as regards my own siblings - but in a decade? Who knows?); and also prevent your feelings towards mankind in general becoming permanently scarred.
You've put up with all this until your tether has actually snapped BECAUSE you are a good daughter and you do - or did, I can imagine it's hard to remember at the moment - love your mother. You care about your family's opinion of you. You would like to be respected as a caring and considerate person by outsiders (like fat-headed nurses who have no idea of what they're talking about). All of these are entirely natural aspirations. You are a completely normal individual, with normal emotions.
The bit that is not normal is the mountain of poo being shovelled at you by others. If you continue to try to handle it, then things that we'd all normally shrug off, like a nurse getting completely out of her tree and feeling the need to teach us our filial duty, get out of proportion because they're added to the weight of pressure piling up on you.
Nurses, receptionists and administrators, doctors - outsiders, that is to say - say silly things all the time. My favourite was the senior ward nurse who saw scars on the wrists of a teenager, demanded an explanation, and on getting it blurted out: "You did this to yourself? Are you crazy?!" I'm ashamed to say I squealed with laughter and so got caught bang to rights eavesdropping. But you have to wonder, how did that nurse come to be nursing adolescents if she was that hysterically insensitive?
And how does a nurse who works in a nursing home still manage to be that lacking in imagination, understanding or sympathy for patients' relatives?
Screen phone calls and don't answer the nursing home's. I suppose, if you felt so inclined, you could request that they put any sit. reps. in writing and mail them to you, for information only. Might there be any mileage, maybe, in asking your own doctor to liaise with your mother's personal doctor and explain to the latter that you are not to be subjected to any further harassment?
Look, you're a good daughter. Your mother is having a rough time, life is being unkind to her (n.b. life. Not you), it's hard to be sweet in her situation, and if you had absolutely nothing else on your plate I'm sure you'd be sitting by her bedside peeling grapes. But there we are: you do have other things on your plate, rather a full helping as it happens; and although she remains important to you there is no room for her on your priority list.
With a bit of luck you'll have scared the nurses away, for the time being at least. Good for you! Nothing terrible will happen to your mother if you (mentally, I mean; I'm not suggesting…) put her on ice for the duration. Your family can think and say what they like, because you will have your fingers in your ears and your mind on higher things. Time will pass. Before you know it your lovely new baby will be toddling, then in school, your older children with luck will meet nice older people who don't repel them and will discover that not all grannies are to be avoided, and you will be busy being a great wife and mother in a family that has your full attention. Later, perhaps, as leisure and inclination allow, in due course you can revive other relationships in more favourable circumstances; at which time they might have a better chance of success. Hold tight. It'll be worth it.
One other thought. You mention above that previously (before you knew better, would you say?) you "caved in" and were "taking care of everything…" I'm uncomfortably reminded of women who return time and again to their abusive partners. The giving in is a hard thing to resist. You make sure you do damn well resist: you'll be glad you did.
Come on. Drop everything that involves fighting, causes you anger and hurts you. This is not the time to deal with them. Good luck, and I wish you restful sleep and an easy, timely labour. xxx
I just don't understand why they won't do their jobs and have to make up lies or try to attack me! Seriously, this nursing home has been making ME do all THEIR work for them! It's insane and when I most recently drew the line - I meant it.
PS. My mother is not depressed and is eating correctly. She has been sleeping during the day a lot more recently and nothing is wrong with her. Not really sure what the nurse wanted me to do, as everyone ELSE there says my mom is eating/fine.
I can no longer ask my mother about how she wants to be treated, etc. She has early on-set dementia due to her stroke several years ago. She is nowhere close to the end of her life. There is specific instructions in her file regarding her care, but no one ever seems to adhere to them...and they call me! (Yes, it says she can have a feeding tube if she hasn't been eating. However, full on life support is a no go. Everything else is acceptable. Just NOT keeping her alive with machines while she is brain dead, basically)
I have already written a letter (on day one of her being admitted), absolving me of ANY responsibility of my mother. I later caved in, and was taking care of everything from setting up appointments to making sure she was AT those appointments (even though this was the nursing home's job). I pretty much handled everything that the nursing home should have, except physically feeding her and changing her. I told them I didn't want to do this, but that didn't stop them from trying to MAKE me do it (otherwise it never got done, I was guilted, etc etc).
Oct 30th at the care conference I reiterated that I wanted NOTHING to do with her except to make an occasional phone call after I move. That it was time they started taking care of her like a nursing home should, and not to call me about her hallucinations or anything else going on. (I am going to copy my original letter and bring it in again for them to see.)
This is not the first time they have called me and made a bigger deal out of nothing.
I am unhappy with how the conversation went, and unhappy with how the nurse lied to me about my mom's REAL condition. That woman could have just called me to inform me about her condition, but instead it was a lecture about how I *NEED* to take care of her in ALL aspects. As soon as she started lecturing, that's when I lost it on her.
I'm pretty sure I told her to suck it up and do her job. That's why they get paid. Not so that they can call me about random BS and try to make me handle it FOR them. Man...I'm still angry.
So, more power to you. Having said that, I don't think you can be surprised that the nursing home is surprised by your firmness - so many people do give in, whether with good or bad grace. But that's up to them.
On balance, I suppose my personal conclusion is that you should stick to your guns. You seem to be very clear about your choice, and it is yours to make. Focus on your baby. God bless x
I agree with getnstrong, that these kinds of interactions should not occur but unfortunately they do often the result of misunderstandings. maybe the nurse was not aware of the critical state of your pregnancy and felt as the child closest at hand you should be prepared to be more involved until Mom is transferred. by all means make a complaint to the nursing supervisor but don't judge the whole staff because one nurse was insensitive and bullying.
No adult is responsible for their parents financially. Not from their own money anyway. Someone may have to be responsible to see that they have the info they need to get her Medicaid, or to actually pay the bills if she has any money, but please don't feel that you are responsible for anyone but your own bills and your children's while they are underage. Getting her relocated sounds like an excellent idea.
Please put yourself first. This is hard to do if you are the caretaking type by nature, but your mother has lived her life. Give your baby the chance to do the same.
I'm retired NHA, and I seethe when I read stuff like this.
My sister did wind up calling the nursing home after I reamed that nurse (they were really nice to her, thinking it was me lol). It turns out the problem wasn't as dire as the nurse was trying to make it seem. The social worker talked to my sister and said that while my mom wasn't eating and sleeping as much, it had nothing to do with my relocation. In fact, my mother hadn't eaten that day ONLY. So, no feeding tube nor phone call required at all. (My sister thinks it was a scare tactic to get me to accept responsibility again. If it wasn't a scare tactic, my mom has been sleeping a lot more for over THREE weeks - long before my mother was even accidentally informed.)
I also told the nursing home, had them sign, my mother sign, and I sign a piece of paper absolving me of ALL responsibility involving my mother (I wanted to just be able to physically visit her without having to handle ANY of her care). Yet, for some reason, they never listened to that original paper. I still have the original at my house, and they have a copy in their files.
My mother does have medicaid/medicare. The nursing home immediately started taking over financial responsibility, but I guess they are trying to make sure I am in charge of her physical care? I'm fighting this, as I don't feel I should be in charge of her care at all..since she's in a nursing home, and that's THEIR job!
Funny how they are more then willing to get the money side done, but not the actual physically caring for her done. It's amazing how much they are dragging their feet and causing a stink over my stepping out of the situation....and it's not even my siblings doing it!!
On a side note: My sister and brother have surprisingly worked really hard to get my mom relocated. They are scheduling plane ticket/s for January. My brother has put in $500 to relocate her. All I am supposed to do is go to the nursing home and take a picture of her wheelchair to make sure it can go onto a plane. Phew. It's JUST the nursing home I am having an issue with at the moment.
if your mother is on Medicaid and has no other funds the N/h should help her apply for Medicaid which will cover her dental expences.
I would talk directly with the dr about the need for a feeding tube. there may be other issues going on that are making her refuse to eat. This is a crisis that is not going to be solved overnight so till after the baby relax and concentrate on that. I would also send a letter to the N/H. telling them that you can no longer be held responsible for your mothers expenses