Opinions needed, how old is "too old" to cook an entire Thanksgiving meal alone?

I'm 64. Arthritis and back problems - chronic pain. I can't do it any more. Not even if it's just myself. I have to ask that if he wants it so bad, why doesn't *he* make it?

We already know it isn't an age thing. I'm 61 and have cooked the Thanksgiving dinner just over 40 years. Some years it was only for a few people, one year it was over 50 people! This year I'm not too old, but for the first time another family member and friend decided it was year to take a break.

Hubby passed the 20th of last month, and everyone figured I could use the break. You know what? I'm looking forward to it.

Back to the OP's issue. Your mama is married to a horse's rear. However you don't get any real say in the issue, until mom invites you to step in. Too late for this meal, but you have Christmas dinner around the corner and if you are lucky mom next Thanksgiving. Suggestion, it sucks but could make peace, how about you cook the meal? Then grumpy guy gets his leftovers, and mama gets a rest.

New2this, please let us know how this all works out!

You know, you can invite grump to your home, keep the thermostat where you want it and cook foods that you like.

Let him complain. Then let let him storm off in a huff.  Won't hurt you. 

Ps, has he been evaluated for cognitive decline?

Several years back we all decided that we each were tired of hosting but wanted to get together.

Can you say "Chinese Buffet?" They're not only open on Thanksgiving & Christmas - they love to host the big parties!! Everyone paid for their own and no cleanup.

We continued doing this every year until Pop passed away in 2011 (Mom left in 2004).
I'm glad we have the memories because now my DH is 96 and I am caregiver 24/7 for him, my sister's DH has Pulmonary Fibrosis - terminal, and the other sister came home on Tuesday after Open Heart Surgery.

It isn't the age - it's the health situation. I would hand Step-Dad the oven mitts and tell him to cook his own damn leftovers! Boy, I'd love to see that happen.

Sweetheart its not about being "too old" it's about being "in pain". I'm 58 years young and developed a lower back pain that just won't quit. I am only cooking for my mother and I and everything is coming out of boxes or cans. I bought frozen pies. To me, it's about the togetherness, not just the food. Your mother is not a complainer but that doesn't mean she doesn't hurt. Your stepfather is selfish and needs to be pulled aside and ask him who is going to feed him leftovers when your mother has passed on. Leftovers or just a hot meal, it's obvious he hasn't missed either so yes, our elders sometimes just have to be told once upon a time you watched just a black and white tv now look at you. Get with the changes of season and enjoy the memories of your leftovers of past. Your mother may feel she is losing her hold on life if she doesn't comply. For me, I have some boxes and cans to open to make my dinner. (wink) Good luck.

My mother was well into her 80s and continued to cook for the family. My Father helped her, he was like that. One day she just stopped, I didn't know it at the time but she was getting dementia. She never cooked again, not for my father not at all. So she passed me the torch. Maybe you can go over to your mothers house and help her without making a big deal of it. Instead of going out to dinner. Bring a couple dishes of sweet potato casserole maybe or what ever you want. 0r ask her see what she says. Would she mind do you think?

When my Mom was not able to do much in her kitchen anymore, we made some of the food ourselves and had the local grocery cater the rest. They really did a fantastic job with the food and we looked forward to this each year. Extra food can be ordered for leftovers. Now that my Mom has been gone for a couple of holidays, my MIL has us over. She prepares a huge dinner and is 87. She lives some distance away and I went up there a couple days early and helped with the prep. She insists on a 22+ pound turkey for just a few people and makes 3 of everything, veggies, desserts, etc. I really wish she would keep things simple. She somehow psychologically feels the need to cook for 20 people when only 5 are there. The clean up is daunting, she leaves that for us, and I wish she would keep things more simple. I am a big fan of catering some of the food and keeping it simple but nice.

Yes it is a lot of work, I am 70 and I get it. But I have worked with people a lot older than me and believe me 70 is not that damn old. Your stepfather is a jerk but then again maybe she wants to do it. Have u sat down with her and actually asked what she wants? I feel that in my opinion which is just that, my opinion, your mother could be gone tomorrow and what is most important to you, helping her cook and being with her or something else? Change the plans around and make the men clean up and u guys sit back and have your coffee. U never know when it’s your last thanksgiving with her. I know I was upset for a good 30 years about having to go to my mother-in-laws every Xmas eve but not I wish she was here so I could go:(

Your Stepfather is the most selfish man I’ve ever heard of. Shame on him. This is WAY too much work for her!!! Do you have brothers & sisters? You guys better put him in his place, quickly.

I haven’t read all the comments, so I apologize if this has already been said. My suggestion is instead of focusing on the negatives, focus on the positives. Don’t list all the things that can’t be done, instead list all the things that can be done. Cook turkey 1-3 days prior & reheat in pans the day of. Gravy heated in a crockpot. Less sides made by mom, more sides brought by others or not at all. Mom makes brownies, others bring store-bought pies. Plan the work out over a few days. You can’t fix the obnoxious male behavior; you can help your mom fix her response to it.

Despite many responses to your question/essay, I am ho-hum about this...
I offer no opinions, aside from saying to ALL who cook for the rest of us, "Thank you...It is delicious."

Grace + Peace,

Bob

Can't read through all these as it is Thanksgiving! But if no one has said it...next year pick-up a thanksgiving dinner at the local grocery store. I have purchased them for anywhere from $59 in the country to $99 in the city. They all had pretty much the same thing (though some places let you select sides); a turkey, sweet potatoes, rolls, green beans. Stuffing, gravy and pie. Mom can make a couple if things if she likes. Pick it up the day before and follow the heating instructions.

I don't see your mother standing up to hubby, so be a dear and invite them to join you at your house for the above store bought meal. Invite them by mid-October. The next year invite them by early October. And if he says he wants it at their house, generously buy the dinner from the grocery store and take it to their house.

Very interesting to read about Thanksgiving customs. My first husband's mom always insisted on doing meals both Thanksgiving and Christmas for the entire family of three sons and their families...15 people tops. I was divorced from him when I was 30, but he insisted on taking the children over there for holidays until she died of ovarian cancer in spring of her 73rd year. Then the oldest DIL took over. Needless to say, it never got around to me. My daughter never married and as a nurse wanted to work on all holidays to avoid making a choice on where to go--she and her brother (married with two kids) don't get along. Now his wife fixes holiday meals and I contribute (I am 80). I have probably only done 5-6 complete Thanksgiving meals in my life, despite having a setting for 12 of china, crystal and silver--which I have given to my DIL. Somehow being the person that everyone flocks to spend holidays with bypassed me and I am taking my son and his family out to dinner at a fine restaurant!

Too old is when the person or the caregiver thinks it's too old. My husband's last Thanksgiving was 11 months before he died. I gave him everything he wanted, including the leftovers for three days that you mention. However, because I was 80 years old, the food was prepared by the deli. I hope your mother did no more than was comfortable this Thanksgiving. I am now 86 and know I am too old to do many things I did before. I live in an independent living facility where they do all the cooking.

Today is a day for Thanksgiving. However, it doesn't sound like it's a day that your mom has reason to be thankful, except maybe when the day is over.

I don't think that there is any given age that is "too old" to prepare/host a holiday dinner. It's how the person feels. My husband passed away last year and when I announced that there was no way that I was going to cook and clean and host any holiday meal last year, my 20 something year old kids were disappointed but they totally understood. We went to a friend's home and had a nice day.
I apologize if I'm saying something that is inappropriate, but it sounds like your stepfather is a bit of a bully, and should be ashamed of himself for treating your mom the way he is treating her.

Ultimately, I think that it is up to your mother to put an end to it and tell him that "this year he can cook the dinner, cater it with more servings included then in the past, go out to dinner and order extra portions so that he will have leftovers, or go to one of his friends/family and let them do the work."

Good luck (and Happy Thanksgiving.)

I know some people would balk at having Thanksgiving Day on a different day on the calendar. Once my Mom couldn't handle doing a full meal, I took over having the meal at my own house. Thanksgiving meal was the Sunday prior to Thanksgiving.

It was less stressful not having to deal with all the shoppers at the grocery store [I don't like crowds], plus I did volunteer work at a local hospital on Thanksgiving and sig other was a Federal Officer thus there were no holidays on his calendar.

My parents went home with a full doggy bag of leftovers, and Dad use to brag that he always had two Thanksgiving meals :)

We're doing the same as FF. Today is a day of rest for both of us; we'll get together later this week. The date is irrelevant anyway; it's the thought and spirit that matter.

Age is not the proper measure; Health is the question to consider

In five years, that will be me, minus the health issues, I hope!
If I were her, I’d cover a thawed, salted, peppered turkey breast with foil and roast, buy a pie, boil peas, let husband open can of cranberries. If they want potatoes, let girlfriend put a few in microwave or mash a panfull. Then be cheerful, ask The nephew when they’re getting married, how many kids they plan, and let the guests clean up after!
The meal doesn’t have to be so complicated! Martha Stewart won’t be there, and if she were, she’d be helping!

Stop caving in. He expects it.
I like Wittm1's solution, but it has to be one you can stick to. If your mother can't say no, she's either going to die, or maybe you can kidnap her (not really). Good luck, and enjoy her today.

I laughed when I read this question - before I continued reading, because at 77 in excellent health, I'm just too tired to do it anymore! Holy cow, she is in terrible health for 73! And, her husband is a thoughtless cad. SORRY! Show him this.

I will never forget, about 5 years ago when my mother was still living at home. I would have to shop, deliver, prep, cook, serve, and wash up a whole Thanksgiving meal. For her and my brother, and myself, husband, and daughter. This was the day before I did the exact same thing for MY family's Thanksgiving, the next day. I had to rush back and forth between the two houses, making sure the turkey was safely thawing, wash it, put it in the pan - and hope mom would remember to put it in the oven! (one time she forgot until we actually GOT there, and we had to sit around for an extra 2-3 hours waiting for it to cook. One time she put it in the oven at 9 in the morning, and it was way done before noon. Plus I had to cook the potatoes, make the salad, put out 'appetizers', make the rolls, the stuffing, bring two-three kinds of dessert, coffee, and the coffee maker, beer, and wine....Then clean up, take home some turkey for sandwiches for that evening, and the next day, exhausted, do the same thing for OUR Thanksgiving, at our home. I hated it. I hated all of it. I hated we didn't have a big jolly happy family with people to help. I hated all that money, all that work, though the next day at our house it went a bit easier because husband helped a little. Finally, I said, that's it, I cannot do this any more. And so I took mom and brother out to eat and was down to only one Thanksgiving meal to deal with. So now mom is dead, brother in a group home (I take him out to eat all the time), daughter out of town, and I don't have to go through all the song and dance of Thanksgiving. (I did ask, several times, if husband wanted a turkey and he assured me he did not, some turkey and gravy from the grocery store sold by the pound would suffice. I can handle that!) ....sorry, off on a tangent with my own depressing story! As for the OP, the mother seems cowed by her bossy husband and, like a pioneer woman of old, will do his bidding until she drops in her tracks. I have had varying success with a prepared turkey and stuff from the grocery store. I know it seems expensive, but it's really not that much more than if you bought everything. It still takes some work to prepare, but it's much much more work doing it all on your own. (because you begin to think, 'well, how hard is it really to put a turkey in the oven/peel and cook potatoes/make a salad...' and down the slippery slope you go! And there you are slaving away, to save, what $20?......I would buy some cooked sliced turkey from the grocery store for his sandwiches - I saw a container near the deli case yesterday, real roasted carved thick turkey slices, a big container $20 or so. Worth every cent. .... If that's what the old man really wants, well, there it is! But I have a feeling he wants 'his' Thanksgiving to go on like it ALWAYS HAS, forever and ever, amen, no matter if the time for it has passed. And if he's a domineering bossy butttthole who wants people in his family to jump at his command, there will always be something he will object to. Good luck! The ball is in the mother's court. She should say, 'I am not cooking Thanksgiving this year.' The. End. Good luck.

I will never forget the time when my sig other asked me why I was so tired on Thanksgiving. If looks could kill. For once I would like have to have a HOT meal on Thanksgiving without jumping out of my chair for this or that before I had my first bite !!  Since then he has helped in the kitchen.

He was just spoiled by his Mom and all her sisters who would do Thanksgiving, feeding the husband and children first, then his Mom and her sisters would have their meal after everyone else was fed. There would be turkey, ham, roast, Italian dishes, etc. I loved hearing the compliments on the cooking :)

If it was me doing the cooking, the compliment would be "how nice the smoke alarm didn't go off this time" :P

I don't think it's about age. But it certainly has to do with health. I would agree with you in that it's not in her best interest to be preparing a whole meal. I would then have to say, what the heck is wrong with him!!! But, you can only do what you can do. Unfortunately, it sounds like a lose, lose situation. Shame on him for behaving the way he is. My heart breaks for you and the stress you are feeling over the concern for your mom. I pray everything works out ok for your mom.

Five years ago this week, when my dad was 71, he spent Thanksgiving in the ICU after surviving a massive heart attack. Since then, I've prepared Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner. Between his heart issues and my Mom's own health issues, it's just too much for them. I only have one other sibling, who is younger, lives three hours away, and takes little interest in our parents. It's really made the holidays much easier. A few weeks before, I tell him when, where, and what. If he decides to make the trip, great. If not, that's fine.

The first Thanksgiving my Mom didn't cook, I did the major dishes and told her to bring a side or dessert. Since then, she's transitioned into preparing nothing at all. A few times I prepared everything from scratch, but mostly I have purchased a catered meal from our local grocery store. (And, when I do purchase a prepared meal, I always get a larger one, leave leftovers for Mom and Dad for a couple of days, then prep and freeze meals for them to have later.)

It seems you may need to take a firmer stance with your step-father, if you feel comfortable in doing so. He may not even realize what he is doing, and if he does, you should assert the fact that this is your mother, and her health is of the utmost importance to you. If you live close, invite them to your home for the holidays. This puts the ball in your court by allowing who is invited and how the meal is prepared. (I have to say that it's a bit surprising that your step-father's brother does not have Thanksgiving with his own children, especially if they are adults. My dad is close to all his siblings, but it's been years since they've spent a Thanksgiving together.) If he is unwilling to come to your home, tell him and your mom you'll be showing up on their doorstep will a meal in tow. I would also insist on accompanying your mother to an upcoming doctor's appointment. Speak to a healthcare professional as to what is being expected of her during the holidays, and, if necessary, obtain a written statement from her doctor outlining what activities in which she can/cannot participate. Surely a written statement from a doctor would have some sort of impact on your step-father.

I hope you find a solution to this before your mother' health declines further.

I'm 75 and have just prepared my last Holiday meal (even though most of it was precooked and purchased at local store). The stress of getting the table and house ready is more than I want to go through again. My daughters work full time and don't cook so I have always hosted the holidays, but they don't even stay to clean up. I'm done and don't feel guilty.

First, my Mom was married to the same type of man and it caused many problems. He wanted what he wanted when he wanted regardless of the consequences. I made it clear when I moved in to take care of Mom that I was NOT taking care of him (much to his chagrin). Mom passed away this year so he’s gotten nothing for 7 years. Anyway, I’m now living with my 87 year old aunt. She is of sound mind and in good health. She refuses to let me “wait on her.” We cooked the entire meal for 7 people, yesterday and today except the turkey. She did about a third of it out of stubbornness. My Mom at 60 couldn’t have managed even that. So yes, it’s ability over age, for sure. But, if your Mom doesn’t stand up to her husband or work with you to do so, nothing will change, sadly. She has to live with him ~ her choice. Good luck ❤️

New, I am wild-guessing what’s the psychological and emotional reasoning for your mom’s behavior towards your stepdad; I think it has to do with your mom considering herself inferior or as if she had to be ‘thankful’ (Thanksgiving appropriate I guess!) for having him as her husband? Maybe because he is 10 years younger? -which, once both are seniors, 10 years mean nothing!-, maybe because she doesn’t want to have a failed marriage, or she doesn’t want to risk being alone at this point in life?...who knows why. But whatever the reason is, there is something that is for sure:

If she doesn’t want to change, you can’t change her. You can only love her.

I think you only had (past tense as Thanksgiving is over) two choices, one is to put her health above everything, and either buy the dinner before she starts cooking, leaving no room for discussion! or go help her make dinner.

Or, second Your choice is to let things be the way she choses. My mom, on most days, choses to do things that I know are a huge risk for her (extreme unnecessary effort), but I let her do it. After a deep analysis of the situation and her emotional state I’ve concluded I should let her be.

Neither choice is a winner for you or for your mom; taking the first avenue you’ll be helping to preserve her physical health, and with the second one you’re respecting her right to be and do what she choses.

Hope you had an as nice as possible Thanksgiving, and above all, you can be thankful that you still have your mom with you! :)

Hope you share her how it went!

Only person, who can do something about this whole affair is your mom. She can say 'NO' and put an end to it. But, I guess, she is the enabling type. You could walk away or help your mom in whatever way you could to lessen her cooking burden. Having said that, there's another way: offer your help and sabotage the whole meal. Make it absolutely unpalatable. Blame it on your mom's weakened abilities. Your stepdad will have no choice, but to go out for buffet. Do it year after year, until he's too afraid to ask your mom to cook again. It's time to teach that cat a lesson!

My concern is the abusive husband. This lady needs to go to a good counselor.
It's only my husband 88, and me 77 now, but I still want a nice Thanksgiving and since he is pretty much housebound last year I started buying 2 Thanksgiving take out dinners at Cracker Barrel and they are almost as good a home made, I just make an extra home made special dish from the old days. I do still set the dining room table pretty with candles and best dishes and linens and it is very nice.