Dear Aging Care,
I am in my late 40s, live alone with my dog and lead a happy and successful life. I grew up in a home that was emotionally unstable. Weak mother, dominant and emotionally abusive father, borderline physically abusive at times, but never crossed the line. Childhood dominated by listening to parents scream, fight endlessly. Awful. In my teen years, my father was horrible to be around, I did everything I could to avoid being at home. I felt like I had a crazy father, and I begged and pleaded for my mother to divorce him and get away from that sheer toxicity. At the time, I didn't realize just how messed up the family was because it was the only thing I knew growing up. However, I was a child with low self-esteem, overweight, poor grades, and very little confidence. I had started to "bloom" in my early 20s and realize my emotional and professional potential, and when I moved away to graduate school, I BLOOMED. Having my own "space" made my self-esteem skyrocket, confidence, and all the rest of it, and I realized then how toxic being around my family was growing up and how what I took to be "normal" at home was totally dysfunctional. I realized my father was basically a narcissist, he has never once apologized for anything to me in my life. If I had a child, I would not want my child to be around him. He's weak, emotionally abusive, does not take responsibility for his actions, and it's always someone else's fault. I stopped talking with him 20 years ago, though I've maintained mostly a phone/text relationship with my mother. I sent my father a note about 2 years ago thanking him for raising me as a way of closure and to let him know even though we don't speak, I still honor him as my father. His response, that I learned through my mother, was basically "FU, and if he appreciates me so much why doesn't he visit . . . and if he doesn't visit me soon, I'm cutting him out of the will." That's how he is, there is no reciprocation for a kind act, there is no "My son just sent me a nice letter, I'm glad he's doing well, I'm going to reach out and build a relationship with him" or anything like that. The more you give, the more he'll take and want to control. I could not believe his reaction to my letter. It just confirmed why I don't talk to him (I refuse to subject myself to emotional abuse by ANYONE), and I've maintained a phone/text relationship with my mother mostly for HER, because it's important to her. Do I "like" my mother? No. Overall, a friendly relationship. I send her an Xmas gift every year. She hasn't sent me one for 20 years, probably to punish me for not coming home for Xmas and tolerating abuse.
She had a stroke three days ago (age 77). 1000 miles away from where I live. My Dad is caring for her and she has lots of family with her as well (sisters, relatives, etc.). If I go see her at the hospital I will be emotionally abused by my father, guaranteed. He already hates me, and will take out his pain of seeing my mother in the hospital out on me. He will attack me for not visiting for the longest time, etc., he won't be "Thank you for coming, it's great to see you, we should make amends." That's not how his brain works. He will just use the situation to emotionally abuse and launch guilt trips on me.
I do not subject myself to being abused, and if I am, I either confront the abuser directly or leave the environment. That's my own healthy response to abuse and makes me who I am. If I go see my mother, I will either 1) confront my father when he launches into emotional abuse, which will end very badly and ugly for all involved, or 2) leave and come back home. I know my mother would benefit from seeing me, even for a little while, to hold my hand. She chose to keep him in her life though, not me. I am monitoring the situation from afar and will speak with my mother on the phone when she is able, to provide support.
Am I doing the right thing? Or should I go and take his abuse for my mother's sake?
D.
I have a friend, sweetest and the most giving person. But her one daughter and her mother are Narcissists and gang up on her. She can't do anything right. She has been cut off from her granddaughter. She now lives in another State with her other daughter, doing so good. She just glows now. She has excepted how things are and has chosen to stay away.
Thats what happens with Children of a Narcissist parent. They too are Narcisstic, or looking for love thats not there or like u, they walk away. Which is the better of the 3, walking away.
Up to the point that I broke away, the family dynamic had been under his rule, he decided the energy every day. Negative one day. Positive the next. Depending on his mood. You know that feeling of anxiety you get when you're around someone like that. Being away from that is the heathiest decision I've ever made. You might be right as well, there is no changing that kind of thing. I think my mother realized that, thus the mantra "That's just the way dad is." So, you either choose you can be around it and accept it, or you choose to not be around it and focus on your own energy/life. I'm at peace with it. Only my mom's stroke has made me re-evaluate how much I can still keep a distance from him moving forward. Before the stroke, I had no regrets on my relationship with him (which was none, boundary, nice). Now that the stroke has arrived, well, the title of this post that I'm conflicted about.
The second update is not about my Mom. It's about me, and the process I'm going through since her stroke occurred. Just in case this update is helpful or useful to anyone as you may be relating your own experience with regards to your parental families, and the process of healing, etc. Before her stroke, I was totally fine with how I was relating to my parents. I kept in touch with my Mom, didn't speak with my Dad (for good reasons), and had a very healthy boundary that way. No doubts about how I was living my life. I ceased contact with my Dad years ago because I made it a policy to not relate to people who are unaccountable for their actions or mistreat others, who never apologize, who treat you poorly and then expect YOU to apologize to them, who can't love unconditionally, and project insecurities on you. About 20 years ago, I had enough of that, and when my Dad "scolded/interrogated me" (a mid-20 year old, paying his own bills, etc.) like I was a 5-year old KID, and blamed me for my mother's tears because I arrived at Xmas 3 days "too late" apparently, I had enough. I confronted him 1st time EVER, and he suggested I leave his house. I did. I knew then what I am reminded of now. The way he treated me (and has done so for years, to my Mom, brother as well) was 100% wrong, and it was NOT my fault. I have the right to make my own choices. At the time, I remember thinking, "If he contacts me and apologizes for the way he treated me and shows ANY accountability/remorse for his actions at Xmas, we might have a shot at some kind of relationship." That day predictably never came, just like no other day came before it where he ever apologized for his mistreatment of me, my mother, or brother. I felt so strong leaving that toxic relationship behind, and through time also realized, as one of you so aptly noted, my mother was an accomplice to all of that crap growing up. She never stood up for the kids while my father acted out his emotionally regressed self on all of us. That's why my relationship with my Mom has always been a bit lukewarm, civil, friendly, but never truly bonding. So, my confidence in how I relate to the family was totally fine BEFORE the stroke.
Enter stroke. Total dive, back to being a kid again. Worried about what Dad will think of you if you don't visit. Worried about what brother will think if you don't visit. "You're making Mom cry, don't you love your mother you selfish prick?" All those doubts came back. I was about to head over to see her and potentially go back on all that I had established for myself. My dog kept me from doing so, because given his status, he can't cross the border (details don't matter here, just to say he saved me from a bad decision yet again!)
Long story short, as many of you probably already know, when the "bomb" drops, it's just a test. Process it. Work through it. Suspend action. You'll be back in a few days and will not have been manipulated by emotional circumstance. You'll remember why you left and why you aren't going back. Your life. The "adult" in you comes back fast, you "rebound" from re-experiencing the child in you and feeling weak and insecure about your choices. Yesterday, I was still fighting with the "bad son" in my dad's voice, for doing nothing more than avoiding a man not accountable for his own behavior or actions. I forgive him, but choose to avoid him. I am healthy. My OWN voice again.
Thank you to all for your support. I'll update on my Mom again soon. Be well. I needed this group these past couple days, you were there for me. Thank you. KB.
Anyways, thank you all for listening. I didn't realize I'd write so much, but it's been very therapeutic. I think you guys got a bit of what my diary entry would have included on this, how easy it is to open up to strangers! :-) I appreciate all your advice, it's been very helpful. My mom's stroke really brought these issues to the forefront, as these things usually happen with major events. I'm feeling stronger and will continue to work through this and see where it brings me, all the while keeping tabs with how my Mom's doing. So far, not great, but it's still early post-operation. All the best, KB.
As I read this post, I can clearly see the struggle that you are having right now. Listen to your inner voice. Your instincts are telling you that your dad has major issues.
Of course, you are concerned about your mom. You’re also concerned about your own well being which is completely natural.
Check on your mom if you think that is best. Send her a card. Or send a message through the staff at the hospital.
Protect yourself from being hurt from your parents.
Welcome to the forum.
You will see that there are lots of people on this forum who have grown up in dysfunctional families.
Congrats on building a successful life for yourself. So many people normalize an unhealthy family life. They don’t realize how toxic it is until they move away and discover healthy relationships.
You knew that things were awful at home and found peace after you left.
Please don’t take a step backwards and place yourself in this situation again.
I am sorry that you have struggled with this situation. Your parents aren’t interested in repairing broken relationships.
So, as hard as it is, accept it because you don’t have the power to change it. If it is too painful for you to cut off all communication, do as others suggested and send cards.
Wishing you all the best. You deserve to be happy.
Thank you. The above is precisely what I'm afraid of. I'm "out" right now, have been for a long time. I love my life. I don't want back in. Nice buffer zone. Before the stroke, I was happy with how things were. So from that vantage point, staying free and clear feels best and not overthinking it. I think I'm just prone to feel guilty easily, and when the stroke hit, so did the guilt if I don't go. Kind of like the child in me came back, "She's your mother, you better go, they're all expecting you, they'll think you're horrible if you don't." Back to square one for a while. Geez, I should be beyond that by now and not pay mind to those voices. I just don't want to feel as though I'm skirting my responsibilities somehow and not doing "what's right." (especially when the family 1000 miles away is likely thinking I'm doing everything wrong).
The first thing they'll do is ask her if she wants to see you, but they should have the tact to ask her this in private. If you do decide to ask for their support you will have to trust them to handle it, by the way. Don't start out by telling them what they should think of all the individuals involved.
To me your Mom was every bit as flawed and responsible as your Father. However, you seem to have insight in to "what will happen" and into the fact that they were so very flawed.
I think the way you have handled yourself, your life, your choices so far has been absolutely exemplary. I would be the last to advise you now and can only suggest that you do what will bring you the most peace. There will not be any deathbed reunion and you seem to know that.
Do what is best for YOU. You already know your parents were far too flawed to be decent parents; you know nothing will change that; you know you are a survivor.
I sure wish you the best and hope you'll update us.
Why on EARTH would you move in with your weak, neurotic mother?
Are you trying to end your emotionally healthy way of living?
Please read this:
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/if-you-are-going-to-become-a-caregiver-480769.htm?orderby=recent
If you KNOW that your father will be around and get ugly, that will impact mom's health negatively.
I can't see any upside to visiting.
What do YOU want to do?
Don’t make a decision based on FOG (Fear, obligation guilt). Protect your peace.
If she's going to rehab, your visit could wait for when she's there. The atmosphere is different from a hospital, and the staff might be able to help as part of mom's therapy.
It's not holding hands, but you'd get to see each other and it might life your spirits. Never give up your principle of taking no abuse. That's bedrock in your life.
Take care of yourself now. Send cards, flowers and make phone calls. Subjecting yourself to the toxic waste won't change the outcome of your mother's stroke, one way or another.
Best of luck to you.
The above is exactly why I'm having so much trouble truly "feeling it" for my mother right now. She allowed it because she was too weak to stand up for what's right and put a stop to it, even way back when. I remember feeling like I was in an asylum while in the family. I forgive her for that, but not to the extent that I'll take my father's guilt trips to be there for her. I don't trust my father emotionally under any circumstance and especially not now given he dislikes me enough to take me out of his will. I'm shaking while writing this, that's how hard all of this is, and I appreciate your response to send flowers and other responses as well to set up Zoom and such. I know my mother loves me, and I do love her, but the day I decided to free myself from my father's BS is the day I knew she wasn't able to support it because she would never recognize why I needed to be away from it (because she's been in that environment all her life, to her it was normal, but when I moved out I realized how healthy of a space I could create for myself and how messed up family life actually was, I've been living that better life for 20+ years now). I can't be around my father again until he recognizes it's not my fault for wanting to be away from him. That day will never come, that's fine. I just have to work around it so I can be there for my mother to some extent, not that I'm super close to her, but I know she's tried to love me the best she knows how and I respect that. I owe her that in return, so I'll try to love her the best I can, which is from a distance. She's clueless about the dynamic between my father and I, but do hold her in higher regard than him by a country mile. If my father died tomorrow, I'd move in with my mother and take care of her, but for now, her primary caregiver is my father. That was her choice a long time ago, despite me encouraging her to get away from him. I've long stopped taking responsibility for how my father treats his wife, which has been a healthy step for me. I just decided I wanted no part of being treated the same way. By the way, if I send flowers, or zoom, or have a plane fly overhead with a sign, my father's reaction will be "He doesn't even care enough to visit," which is precisely why I want nothing to do with him and won't go. That's how he doesn't respect boundaries. If I visit, then leave after two days, it'll be "Why leave so soon? Can't you see your mother needs you? You never visit and already you're leaving?" Interrogation. Just like the letter I sent him in good faith was followed up with "then if he appreciates me so much, why can't he even visit?" It's never, "Thank you son, I appreciate your kind gesture, let's build on this" and allowing a healthy boundary from which a relationship could grow. Instead, it was remove him from the will if he doesn't visit. The proof is in the pudding, and is exactly why I left a long time ago, hard as it was.
In the mean time send a card and/or a hospital friendly gift.