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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Kudos to your son and DIL for saying "enough's enough" and moving out. Not surprised that your husband's siblings want the arrangement to continue - uninvolved family members almost always want to keep the status quo so they don't have to step up.
I think some people say mean things to others all their lives, sometimes as a means to keep others off-balance and entrench their own control of the relationship. I think elderly people may start to lose their filters and start to say things they previously would have kept to themselves. And I think those traits can combine with the sense of self-pity and victimization that a sick or disabled person may feel and can result in a vicious attitude towards the more fortunate, "well" person.
Your son and DIL are doing the right thing. Nobody should have to take care of someone who verbally abuses them.
My MIL says horrible things to me all the time. And even worse to my son and DIL who are in the house taking care of her. She makes DIL cry several times a week. Finally they said enough is enough and have bought their own house and are moving out next month. Now all of a sudden she is super nice to them and wants them to stay. Not going to happen. And she knows if she has another stroke she's going into the nursing home to stay. She can't believe that they are actually moving out. They've basically been her slave for 2 years without getting paid even a penny. Hubby's siblings think they should just get over it because they really want them to stay as well so they don't have to jump in.
Hi Ginamaria It's a problem a lot of people seem to have. There are many posts on narcissism that might give you ideas on how to handle people who are self absorbed. Wrap that happiness around you like a protective coat and go about your business. Don't dwell on negativity. I'm sorry you were hurt.
The best way you can avoid this is to avoid the person altogether. There are those situations where you just absolutely must walk away from them and never look back. I had very unloving parents, but it was always my mom who was saying hateful things to me behind everyone's back. I don't think either one of them should've been parents, and there are just some people like that but there's not much you can do about them but to avoid them. Some may say that's not always possible, but yes it is! If you have a working brain, you can get creative and find clever ways to avoid them even if it means just clean cutting the apron strings if you happen to be taking care of them. You deserve better, you need not put up with verbal abuse
Oh, absolutely! I heard from my late mother about 101 x over how her granddaughter took a trip to Alaska. My mother obviously didn't like it and thought that she should have taken EVERY trip to her grandmother's. My daughter visited her often. So when my mother brought it up the 102nd time, I shut it down, saying "mother, that will be enough about the Alaskan trip." She never mentioned it again. I was sexually abused by an uncle. I told my mother about him. My mother choose to keep in contact with the perv through phone, mail and greeting cards until his death. Hello????!!!! Gee, thanks for not standing up for your own daughter!!
It gets worse with some people as they age because they just don't care anymore, they say what they want, do what they want don't care about hurting anyone. Also boredom, some people get mean out of boredom, some out of resentment and yes, their own jealousies. I think the worst thing any caregiver could do is show any reaction to someone's anger, comments, outbursts, etc... It will fuel the behavior more. I dealt with my dad's angry controlling behavior consistently following my own simple efforts to maintain my car, my home, like mowing my own yard. Things I have to do, that have to be done. Following every chore I had that was my own, I would be verbally abused for days. I accepted I was dealing with a narcissist who had no tolerance for anyone doing anything for themselves or their own property over sitting in the corner and happily waiting for his commands. Now I smile no matter what, have him on a care schedule, make time for my own work, I say nothing about my own personal business, just do my caregiving chores, sit and have a talk with him about sports and all the wonderful trips he had etc... and all is calm. And I have to add that even medication is not a cure for narcissistic behavior. My parent was violent in the hospital/nursing care too, they medicated him, did not change the behavior at all.
Just smile and be happy, it's the best way to handle it.
I guess I should say that it is our house that everyone is living in. They weren't staying in her house rent free while taking care of her. They were doing my husband and I a favor since we live so far away.
Sounds like son and DIL have the rigth idea. Some people are just nasty and manipulative and there is no reason anyone should be subjected to that. If she cannot be nice to her family who is trying to care for her, then maybe she needs to be moved into a home sooner than expected. Caregiver abuse is real.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I think some people say mean things to others all their lives, sometimes as a means to keep others off-balance and entrench their own control of the relationship. I think elderly people may start to lose their filters and start to say things they previously would have kept to themselves. And I think those traits can combine with the sense of self-pity and victimization that a sick or disabled person may feel and can result in a vicious attitude towards the more fortunate, "well" person.
Your son and DIL are doing the right thing. Nobody should have to take care of someone who verbally abuses them.
It's a problem a lot of people seem to have. There are many posts on narcissism that might give you ideas on how to handle people who are self absorbed. Wrap that happiness around you like a protective coat and go about your business. Don't dwell on negativity.
I'm sorry you were hurt.
Caregivers, it's OK to grow weary of "always being the bigger person." We are humans, not robots. Our feelings matter, too.
I was sexually abused by an uncle. I told my mother about him. My mother choose to keep in contact with the perv through phone, mail and greeting cards until his death. Hello????!!!! Gee, thanks for not standing up for your own daughter!!
Just smile and be happy, it's the best way to handle it.
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