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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
To take what mom2mom wrote and run with it -- sometimes they ask you to move home to take care of them. After you get there, they change and say they never asked you to come home. Then they tell you and everyone else that they are taking care of you. So you owe them, even if they aren't paying your bills. You can try to convince them of the truth, but they are old and often have dementia, so it is a pointless venture. It is ugly, but it happens. I think it is an ego saving defense of an older person who doesn't want to give up the parental role they are familiar with. The trouble is that it comes with the loss of self esteem and public perception of the caregiving adult child.
Another theory - and keep in mind, I don't know your situation - is if you are living in their house for free, they may think that they have "paid" for a maid and Nanny by letting you live there. If this is the case, you need to gat the compensation and duties issue resolved. Free rent alone is not fair compensation for a live in caregiver.
Either they have an overblown sense of entitlement, or they lack the imagination or problem-solving skills to figure out how to get their needs met without involving you. Or some combination of the two. In other words, they need something done, and it's easier to ask you than figure out another way to get it done. Maybe they don't want to pay someone to take care of what they need, or they don't want to reveal that they're no longer capable of doing it themselves. Plus, they see all around them examples of adult children helping parents out and that seems like a reasonable solution to them. The perfect solution, in fact.
I know it's hard to set boundaries with one's parents, especially as they become old and debilitated, but you need to start working on that, because it will only get worse. Maybe you need the help of a counselor or therapist to help you work through the issues in your own head that keep you from setting boundaries with them (I did).
You need to figure out how much you can realistically do for them, and how much you're actually willing to do, and start managing their expectations of you. Don't make yourself available at a moment's notice. Don't make yourself available two days in a row if all the issues could have been handled on the first day. Don't buy into the idea that every little issue is an emergency. Don't jump to their aid every time the phone rings, and eventually they'll start figuring other ways to accomplish things that don't involve you. Start suggesting other sources of help to them. Bring them the name of someone who will clean their house for a fee, the names of services that transport seniors to appointments or shopping. Introduce them to the idea that it can't always be you, you, and only you.
I'm still working on all these ideas myself (and I've been at it for 6 years). Good luck!!!
I agree with Jeanne in a way. Our parents may ask us to do a lot and we have a hard time saying no. After we do things once or twice, it gets to be expected of us. This is particularly true if they are older and you are female. To old folks, women were born to tend children and clean. Because of this, it is easy to ask a daughter to mop and clean the bathroom, but a son would never be asked to do that. There is no point in trying to change their thinking if they are old. The only thing you can do is not make yourself available to them. Tell them you'll help them find a housekeeper or whatever else they need. Paying someone is a lot better than having the resentment grow. Good luck!
How old are your parents, and how much do you have to do for them? If they're getting up there and can't do much, then they might have to depend on you for cleaning and such. However if they're still relatively active and can still do that stuff themselves, it could be a "Why should I do it when he/she can" type of situation.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I know it's hard to set boundaries with one's parents, especially as they become old and debilitated, but you need to start working on that, because it will only get worse. Maybe you need the help of a counselor or therapist to help you work through the issues in your own head that keep you from setting boundaries with them (I did).
You need to figure out how much you can realistically do for them, and how much you're actually willing to do, and start managing their expectations of you. Don't make yourself available at a moment's notice. Don't make yourself available two days in a row if all the issues could have been handled on the first day. Don't buy into the idea that every little issue is an emergency. Don't jump to their aid every time the phone rings, and eventually they'll start figuring other ways to accomplish things that don't involve you. Start suggesting other sources of help to them. Bring them the name of someone who will clean their house for a fee, the names of services that transport seniors to appointments or shopping. Introduce them to the idea that it can't always be you, you, and only you.
I'm still working on all these ideas myself (and I've been at it for 6 years). Good luck!!!