Proposal to move in with MIL for a financial win/win? Is it a solution or potential disaster?

Yrslz80 - consider yourself very wise to have sought advice before making a huge move. If you still decide to proceed, at least you do it with eyes wide open.

I wished I found this forum before I moved my mom in with me. She relied on me for her social outlet 24/7. Time alone with husband: zip, time alone with kids: nada, time for myself: zilch, time for vacation: what is that?

I was about to go crazy before I moved her out.

NY DaughterInLaw,
Once again we don't know these people well enough to be making such snap judgments about them and their mental health. She's an old woman living alone, of course she's lonely. It doesn't mean that she's "off." This is my opinion, you are entitled to yours. We are all entitled to our own opinions but we should be wary about making snap judgments about people we don't know.
Judgments are always projections of our own issues.

Sharing a household primarily for financial reasons can be a time bomb waiting to go off. You'd need to have so many issues sorted --and in writing -- ahead of time. In this case, you and your fiance will be paying the full mortgage but with no legal interest in the house? How will other costs be divided? Suppose the house needs major repairs down the line? How will relations be with the brother if you are given the house or at the very least a larger share of her estate when she dies? Suppose down the line she needs more care, has health issues? Who will be responsible? The house is her major asset and has implications when/if she ever needs to use Medicaid. If the home is hers or has been during the clawback period, you could lose your investment. What happens if you and fiance break up; how long will you have to get settled somewhere else before you have to move out? Does your fiance tend to be overly compliant with his mother's wishes? Does she resent your closeness in any way? What if the arrangement doesn't work and you've given up your current home? If this woman is lonely and depressed and you feel guilty even before moving in and attempting to have an independent life with her on the scene, what will she be like if she's not fully included in your life and activities and relationships? How will you feel about living in a home that has been this woman's home for years? She may not be open to your putting your own touches on things. Will this be okay for you? Sometimes something that seems financially advantageous can be fraught with complications that, in one's desperation to be better off in terms of money, we don't see.

You have shown by your responses to others to be feeling more and more like your gut instinct is right. When we don’t heed our gut instincts we usually regret it. I see all kinds of red flags. Since you’ve been given excellent advice by others I’m going to make a different suggestion. At 38 and 42 you neither have savings nor retirement plans for your future. You probably feel you are so young it can wait...but be sure that time will pass quickly and you will find yourself with little to nothing. I don’t know where you live because that does influence rental costs. However before marrying you need to get your financial houses in order and that means seeing a financial advisor. Especially before you marry. It doesn’t sound like you are on solid footing. Personally I think many people don’t want to have to live below our means. By that I mean take a cheaper apartment and cut costs on non essentials like my parents did. It was no wonder he had half a million saved when he moved here and he was a high school educated blue collar worker. Your fiancé will end up like his mom financially I predict if you don’t save vs. going to concerts, shopping and vacations. All nice and fun to do, but with no savings plan it is a sinking ship. Be smart and financially savvy. A good book to read is Your Money or Your Life. You really need to get a grip on your own finances and not depend on his mom as a bank.

I don’t think you should look at it as paying mortgage but paying rent. Make sure you have a private part of the house to retreat too. Maybe have both brothers sit down and talk through arrangements So that there is a mutual agreement and understanding ahead of time. Encourage MIL to attend a senior center and maybe due to her shyness that one of her sons go with her to begin with? Maybe an understanding that in the future you can continue to live there and buy out the either half or rent etc?

Just so you understand, my In-laws moved in with us and as health has declined it has become extremely difficult and exhausting. Working full time and full time care giving is not easy. My sister in law promised that she would be over every day to help care for her parents since my husband and I both work full time. That lasted 4 months and she took the first opportunity to move away. It’s now been 10yrs.

Expect things to change after the honeymoon period. Personally I'd get and extra job and try to get my finances together without moving in with her. If you haven't read Dave Ramsey Total Money Makeover and taken his Financial Peace course please do whether you move on with your MIL it not.

Regarding the financial questions that have been raised here, I think I'd talk to an elder care lawyer, so you'd know financially what  the repercussions could be. On the caregiving end of things, my mom lived with us for 5 years when she had Alzheimer's, and yes, it was a strain, but Hubby and I managed. There was a bit of an adjustment to be sure, but we all did the best we could, but it was a different situation  than yours. Best of luck, whatever you decide.

....In a Cozy apartment....
Stay, Bae, WHERE YOU ARE....

It sounds like you will be footing all the bills?
First, make sure you get the house if your MIL passes away, otherwise you are left high & dry and even poorer than you are now.

But you're paying half and your spouse is paying the other half of the mortgage - this means that together you're paying 100% so I don't fully understand how you're saving $$.

If you are not going to get the house in the end, you're better off reconsidering what you're thinking of doing because you will never realize any win-win.

Despite your good intentions, RUN away, don't walk away...This is a disaster waiting to happen. It will take less than a day, should you move in, for it to be evident that this is HER house. Perhaps subtly, but surely as the sun rises in the East, you will have that impressed upon you.

Your friends as guests? I'd forget that except on special occasions, if any.

Financial benefit? In a week, maybe two days, you'd be wishing you had never moved. "Better to live in the corner of an attic than in a mansion with a quarrelsome woman." She may be nice and continue to be nice, but it is HER house.

You are an unmarried couple. Who gets the house when mom goes on to her reward? Half to one son, half to the other? Meanwhile, what if your sig other decides you don't fit in?

Legal papers drawn up by a lawyer? Even that leaves too many loopholes.

What to do with your furniture?

RUN, girl, RUN.. At 38 you have a long life ahead of you.,..At 70, MIL likely has a long life ahead of her as well....

A blunder is something that one has been forwarned about....you have asked for comments and you have received them...

No matter what, I urge you to not do this..

Grace + Peace,
Old Bob in North Carolina...

"Definitely, she does have her routine. And mostly it’s watching Home DIY shows and Lifetime movies. The TV is the center of all. Critical. I personally dislike watching TV while eating dinner. I want to interact with my fiancé about our day. Or sometimes just enjoy the Ambiance. Instead, the TV will be the ambiance. That’s not what I want".

This woman is 70 (70, NOT 90). Lives alone. Watches TV all day long. Says "I'm lonely". Won't go to Senior Center.

If you don't like watching TV all evening, don't move in. If you value time alone with your boyfriend, don't move in (mom wants HIM to move in, because she has no other distraction). If you want to feel "at home", don't move in.

Don't laugh: at your young ages you probably and hopefully have a wonderful and active sex life. Say bye bye if you move in with her. Either you or your fiancé will be reserved worrying about Momma hearing or walking in. Also, if you decide to have children, how will that work?

Each and every reply by the others all have good and very valid points for you to think about. Financial insecurity is difficult enough; add in-law(s) = certain divorce.

You are not responsible for her "loneliness"...which may be real or may be a manipulation tactic.

Please: live your own life! You only get one go 'round & it flies by!

I so agree with Barb and Bob's answers below (haven't read farther yet).

My mom has been with me 2 years. My daughter and boyfriend (both very nice and so helpful - each of them) also lived with me. For a very long while at the beginning, she acted like it was her house, did not think she should have to lower the TV volume ( around 9-10pm) because they went to bed at that time to be up early for work, and the way the house is laid out, and with 2 cats that needed to go in and out of their room at night, they couldn't completely shut the door.

Followed by different comments etc., she basically said she would not stay here if boyfriend was going to be here. And I had the conversation with her, that this was not negotiable. There were many other comments from her about various things. She basically has always projected the vibe that everything should be done to accommodate her...... NOW keep in mind this is "my house" which I try my best to share. But her narcissistic personality always kicks in.

So, with the possibility of your moving into your MIL's home, I think it's a disaster waiting to happen, perhaps not all at once but gradually. Your MIL will probably be jealous of all the friends coming over, and esp. if she is not included.

My mother is in her 90's. She and your MIL sound very alike, but that's over 20 years difference in age! I am not far off from 70, and oh my goodness, I look forward to the day I can live alone again. I really do enjoy my daughter and her boyfriend's company, but I know they have their lives to live and need to be on their own... no rush as far as I'm concerned, but the controlling mother..... that's a hard one. It sounds like your MIL will suck the life out of you all, maybe not at first but somewhere down the line.

Also, if you and your husband pay for the mortgage completely, is the house title being changed to go into your names? I wish you good luck with whatever you decide, but I personally would never do it.

Oh, I almost forgot.... so I am not far from 70, and when I have the time and energy :), I hope to date again, do social things, volunteer, something, anything, but still work a full-time job and "married to my mother :)" right now. If your MIL at ONLY 70, doesn't do something independently for her depression and loneliness now, what is she going to do for the next 20-30 years??!! Are you willing to take care of her for that long? Because it most certainly will be expected in her mind for the both of you to take care of her. Ya'll are so young..... do not go down this road!!!

Sounds like you might have already made your decision but wanted to add that my MIL moved in with us(including 3 kids & a dog) 20 months ago and she’s still taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. It’s her responsibility to find things that would make her happy... after we have suggested a bunch of things. It was to help her financially, and I most certainly regret it. She can’t work anymore due to a bad back and all she does is watch tv and play on the computer.
If future MIL is in good health she might enjoy a part-time job or volunteer position. My parents are 70 & 74. They both volunteer during the week which keeps them connected to other people and fills up time.

The living room was my grandma's crib!!!! There was her tv, her books, and telephone. The only time it was unoccupied was when she was sleeping or taking a nap. Well sometimes she would even nap in her chair. 😆

Yrslz80
[quote] 9 hours ago
Thank you for your response. I agree with you. I work 40+ a week. I work in an insurance tech company where sometimes I need to fly to San Francisco. My life gets busy where sometimes I bring my work home. My friends have taken up line dancing so I join them and we have a blast. Then I have my fiancé and my son who lives away in college but comes to visit when he can or I visit. So it’s inevitable if I live there I may forget to take out my trash, make my bed, forget that the recycle goes on the green bin and the compost is all the way in the back. Dishes are washed and dried immediately after dinner. It’s overwhelming for someone that already has a busy life. But because this is her home and she’s there all day, these nuances are things to remember and not hard to forget. I’m afraid one day I’ll accidentally throw away the compost trash in the regular trash or forget to wash and dry my dish at dinner. I know I’ll go insane after 2 months. Knowing myself I’ll try to avoid going home after a while to escape where within time, strain my relationship. Definitely a no no. Thank you for your advice[/quote]

Yes, exactly!
Your home needs to be your sanctuary.

*edit? I’m not able to quote someone here? Sorry for the mess, all! 😬

When we had to take in all considerations onto what to do with regards to my husband's parents, both with dementia, one option was for them to move in with us. I then realized if that happened the day they moved in I would be walking out the back door. Even after 39 years of marriage it would not have survived. Their emotional and physical demands would have literally killed our marriage and possibly killed us. Inasmuch as there was push back from them the move to assisted living was the best move ever..... FOR EVERYONE! But mostly for them. Socialization, nutrition, medical, personal care needs met. All of that would have required us to either pay someone , caregiver, or do ourselves. They live in a CCRC which encompass all the facilities on the ground and they age in place. They go from Independent Living to Assisted Living to Memory Care. They have Skilled Nursing Facility on site. Physical therapy on site. All those things we would have had to transport them to and from if they were living with us. Facility has Nurse Practitioner on site 5 days a week. You have to look at your big long term picture.

Run run run ....... never move in no matter how lucrative it looks. Your relationship won't survive. If it does it will be strained. Your fiance will always side with his mother.

II'd suggest talking to eldercare attorney. For options.

I'm a daughter in law if 39 years and can say we are happy with the care they are receiving AND we have our lives back.

I so feel for you reading more about your circumstances...but I can't help thinking about my sister who had fallen for a guy who did work...construction related, sometimes seasonal impacts. He had a failed first marriage with one young son. She was supporting herself; they decided to get married. A chunk of his income went to child support and alimony. They got a house, in HER name, thanks to support from our parents. Ultimately moved to FL and divorced because in the end he was a controlling narcissistic pig. She was really supporting HIM. All to say that I hope you are both sure and careful. Being friends is far easier than supporting this guy and his mom and becoming his live in caretaker for elder mom. My sister had done well and much of her savings went for attorney fees etc when he fought the divorce. I hope it all turns out well for you in the long run.

What would figure for me, other than the things you mentioned (and I was perfectly fine running around braless and without socks when I had a mother-in-law) is not only that you are clearly not comfortable with this woman WHATEVER the reasons are. Your husband is close and visits often but you don't visit with him. This means HE has a strong relationship with this "other woman" you are moving in with and you do not. You are the one that will be caught in the middle, and so is he when you want something one way and she wants it another way. Were you to move into a duplex I would say DO IT. It would be starting on a home ground that belongs to neither of you, you would have your own entrance, your own door, your own space, and could share space as easily as going next door. As things stand I would say no. You have already had problems in the marriage which is strong now, but may not take much to tip it the other way. That would leave you ALONE, as she is, with him home with Mom, having housing and Mom to take care of him, and you seeking housing somewhere alone. It would also leave you depressed. So you and she would have changed position. 70 is quite young. I am 76 and still do my garden, go to museums, junk shop, get around. I read. I watch a bit of TV. I honestly do not understand people who are bored. There are many things here that are warning signs but the worst of all is your own feelings. I would be a tad worried even if you said you love her and get along so very well. As it is I am very worried. Think about suggesting this. Mom sells her home and buys a small place with a cottage in back for you two, or a duplex, or something like that. You all are together but not. Good luck. I would love to see an update on this whole thing.

I'd say your fiance's Mom needs to find herself a smaller, more affordable place to live. You and your fiance need to increase your income to where your rent/ mortgage costs are no more than 30% of your take home pay. Find a better paying job or look for side gigs to make extra money. Do not move in with your fiance's Mom. If you have reservations about it now, there's good reason to listen to those reservations.

With a 21 yr old son you could have a DIL of your own one day in the not too distant future . . . Plus do you have siblings? Parents of your own? All to be considered.

If, in your busy life, you have the time to read, pick up the book “Quiet” by Susan Cain. It describes what it’s like being an introvert in our culture.

Many people have challenging relationships with their in laws. You know that. You’ve been married.

Your fiancé is mom’s go to whether you move in with her or not but the separate living spaces might make all the difference in keeping your relationship working.

Mom needs more in her life, no doubt, but a wider variety not just more of her sons time.
. . . . AND It is a useful conversation for you and fiancé because it flushes out all these larger issues that affect your futures.

Keep in touch and let us know how things progress.

Yrslz80,

I went back and reread all of your responses:

"Yea currently she’s on a Medicare subsidy. Currently the arrangement is it goes to my fiancé and his brother..." How lovely for your fiancé and his brother! What a great windfall for them especially after you've subsidized their inheritance with your money.

"My fiancé actually did live with his mom. He moved back in once his grandparents died. That’s when her loneliness began." She's needy and that will never, ever change.

"Currently at the MIL home she pays the mortgage off her social security benefits and retirement funds. My fiancé and his brother help with the utilities. The financial plan is if we were to move in I’d share the costs 50/50 in all mortgage, utilities. Except insurance and property taxes." That's a great financial plan for your fiancé, his mother and brother and not a good financial plan for you. Did you ask yourself why they plan on excluding you from paying property taxes? By paying property taxes, you just *might* have an ownership right in the property. And what about your son? What does he stand to inherit? Bupkis!

"Yes my fiancé works, he owns a photo studio and a photographer. His income fluctuates where mine is a steady line since I’m salary..." No wonder he's okay with the financial plan *his mother* concocted.

"There’s definitely 2 great senior community centers in the area that are great. I wish I can even join! But don’t meet the age requirement and it’s in weekday mornings. Unfortunately she’s shy to go alone." Her shyness will become your problem.

"The community has 2 great senior centers with an abundance of activities and volunteers opportunities. The problem is that she’s to shy so she has to go with one of her sons at first. " Enabling is disabling.

"What’s also bizarre is that she only wants to socializes with her sons and a few other immediate family members like her siblings." Is that the life you want for yourself? That's your future if you marry into that family or move into her house. When people show us who they are, believe them.

"The plan actually came from the MIL. But I honestly feel like it’s desperation setting in. She has been complaining more and more about being lonely" Yes she is desperate to not be alone. You sound like you have a life. If you like the life you've made for yourself - line dancing, friends, etc. - run away and find someone whose values and goals aline with your own. You have decades of married life ahead of you. I urge you to ask yourself whether this is the married life you truly want.

"My fiancé always tries to see if I can get closer to her." Of course he does! It would make his life nice and easy and, just like his mother, he wouldn't have to change a thing.

"I have a son who’s 21. This really makes me think when I’m older. I told him, I’d never be a burden to you I will never want to be a burden. Especially when one would have their career and own family. Tending to an elderly mom daily is draining" She will suck the life right out of you, your sex life, and your social life. She will drain your finances. What will be left for your old age and for when your son may need to help you?

"There’s too much at stake for saving a few $100" I agree completely with that statement, Yrslz80.

"I know I’ll go insane after 2 months. Knowing myself I’ll try to avoid going home after a while to escape where within time, strain my relationship." What will happen to you and your career when your home life isn't restful and recuperative?

Marriage is too important to start off on the wrong foot. There are many red flags with this family. If you don't fit well into their family life now, what makes you think they will change in order to accommodate you?

I think you know the answer to your question.

Your future MIL is using her shyness as a control mechanism, it works too, even you feel guilty and you have no part in her life except for you love her son. She is good!

I am married to the shyest (?) person I have ever met. But, he enjoys doing things solo, he finds things that make him happy and give him a sense of accomplishment. He doesn't depend on anyone, including me to fill his time. So I feel differently about shyness and it's effects on someone. I don't think shyness makes you a lonely person, I think you have a challenging time out of your comfort zone, but you still live your life, you don't wrap up your loved ones to provide your needs and that is what she is trying to do. 1st her parents, then her son and now her son and his fiancee. But you will be easy to deal with once on her turf.

She has made no effort to get to know the woman her son wants to marry, huge waving red flag. My husband and I wanted to know our future sons in law because we wanted to know if our girls were screwing up. So, I think she has made her stand where you are concerned. If you want a happy relationship, try to become her friend and help her get involved in activities with her peers. Then she has no excuse for loneliness.

Best of luck!

Oh by the way, you paying 50% when there are 3 of you. WTH? That speaks volumes to me.

No. NO. HELL NO! Any piddly amount of money you will be saving you’ll end up spending on anxiety meds.

Like others, my suggestion would be to get your current & future financial situation under control NOW — and not by moving in with fiancé’s Mom. That woman has made it very clear she isn’t interested in you; she is just interested in keeping her son close. Heck, I wouldn’t even get married until that relationship is worked out. By marrying you, he has to understand YOU come 1st, and I highly doubt that will ever happen.

Keep things as they are — engaged, living separately from her, and keep finances separate. I’m curious — did he move in with you or did you have a different place prior & you both moved into this new place? Is he sharing in 1/2 of the expenses or are you shouldering most because he pays her utilities?

I'm gonna be snarky now. Why doesn’t brother (& wife, does he have one?) move in with her instead?

oh, honey, it’s a sea of red flags.

Rovana, perhaps you may be right, but it sounds like this person loves this guy. I didn't want to destroy all the thoughts of moving in. It is going to be a challenge.
and I was sort of hinting on the idea, that marriage first before being thrown into the MIL's home. I was going to go as far as suggesting that the house being put in a Living Trust, where the Mother, son and DIL gets thirds of the property if and when the house sells. There are so many factors in this. Maybe she should talk to a family lawyer and see what precautions she can take. And does she have a backup if things go sour? A relative who can help her out if it just goes south in a hand basket? Believe me, I know I am no expert . All I know my MIL was very old fashioned and there would be no way fiances would be allowed to stay in her home. Married couples, perhaps, fiances, no..
My relationship with my MIL changed dramatically when we finally got married.

Family law person, financial advisor, and family counseling before moving in. These are the professionals. and then you have the experts on this site who have been put in similar situations as yours. Listen to them, talk with fiance, And tell him your concerns.

Most people on this post sounds like they are saying THINK before you LEAP.

NO...NO....NO!!!!! Do not do it! Get a second job if you're finances need assistance. Can you take in a roommate that is not related? You guys are YOUNG! You need privacy to enjoy your relationship. Having your fiance's mother move in would be a disaster!!! Even if you were married. Parents seem to slip back into thinking their grown children are now teenagers and need to be scolded, corrected. She sounds like she's already coming around a little too much. I wouldn't let it go any further. Trust me - I've walked this path before. DON'T DO IT!

Don’t do it! It will be a disaster for you! You will be on meds by the end of first week. No amount of money saved is worth peace of mind. I’m not sure you will be the one saving money either. Run, Run, Run don’t walk and leave the boyfriend with his mom. Find someone else. Bad situation!

Oh, honey.........absolutely NO!! There are red flags all over this situation so please listen to all the great advice here and DON'T DO IT! Sounds like his Mom needs to sell her house and move to a smaller one, possibly in a retirement community. My Mom was not shy, but very reserved and introverted - she was not a "joiner". When my Dad died, she sold her large home and moved into a lovely retirement community and loved it! She enjoyed the few neighbors she got to know but NEVER took advantage of any of the activities that were offered - and that was OK because she was happy as a clam! Please, please, please do NOT move in with this woman! There are so many other options available - you do not need to be the entertainment committee for this lonely, manipulative woman! Others here have given much better advice.......please listen to those of us who have been there. Best of luck to you

As someone who went down this road I would suggest you carefully take in all the advice being given to you. We bought half of my FIL's house 7 years ago and moved in with our family. In the beginning it was fine. As he got lonelier after retirement he started looking to my husband for all his entertainment, he flat out refused to do anything social. We could NEVER have any time to ourselves in common areas of the house, he would follow us everywhere. It definitely put stress on our marriage. Then he started feeling it was necessary to tell us how to raise our children. As his health failed we then became caretakers. Suddenly his other children were MIA. I know right now it seems like a great solution financially but think about this - will you two be part owners of the house, what happens to the house after she passes, will it go to you two or split up? Would you want to pay a mortgage that you have no ownership in? We are in the process right now of looking for an assisted living home for my FIL as his dementia is getting worse. Considering all we went through with him, both my husband and I agree, if we had to do it over again, we wouldn't.