I divorced several years ago after my first marriage. Currently I am 38. I started a brand new relationship with my fiancé who is 42. We’ve moved in together in a cozy apartment almost 2 years ago. Our relationship is still strong. However, not our finances. With rent sky high, our combined earnings leaves us with hardly any for disposable income and savings. Burdening all costs to rent. My fiancé is very close to his mom he visits her 3 times a week and she passes by our apartment about 2 in average while I’m at work. She’s sweet, quiet and reserved. I’m not very close to her because she’s quiet and reserved. She only has a handful of friends. So she heavily relies on my fiancé and his brother for entertainment outside the home. whether it’s shopping or going to get coffee. She often complains of loneliness. Watches TV all day. Living alone in a 4 bedroom house. She’s 70 and on retirement, also cost burdened by her mortgage. However her mortgage is less than half what we pay for rent. She asked if we can move in. Where I can pay half the mortgage and my spouse the other half. Helping her with the elimination of loneliness, allowing her to have more money to spend during her golden years and allowing her to live with her son again. Me on the other hand I can resume on saving money and being able to go to concerts, go shopping or vacations once in a while. Sounds like a win/win. However I’m not confident this is a good idea. Compromising our own time where sometimes we have our own weekend plans either as a couple or with friends. Wouldn’t want her to feel excluded but at the same time it’s essential. I work over 40 hours a week on the general Monday-Friday 9-5 grind, first thing I like to do when I get home is take off my shoes and wear my sock slippers. As silly as I look I feel comfortable then make dinner after which I enjoy. I don’t know how comfortable I would feel doing that at her house. We also invite friends over often. What’s at stake for saving money on all parties in conjunction to relieve her loneliness can be test for me, actually, I’m terrified. She is at risk of depression from her loneliness and just hitting the big 70 last month. I would also feel guilty being a factor to her loneliness and depression. What are your thoughts?
Most people on this post sounds like they are saying THINK before you LEAP.
and I was sort of hinting on the idea, that marriage first before being thrown into the MIL's home. I was going to go as far as suggesting that the house being put in a Living Trust, where the Mother, son and DIL gets thirds of the property if and when the house sells. There are so many factors in this. Maybe she should talk to a family lawyer and see what precautions she can take. And does she have a backup if things go sour? A relative who can help her out if it just goes south in a hand basket? Believe me, I know I am no expert . All I know my MIL was very old fashioned and there would be no way fiances would be allowed to stay in her home. Married couples, perhaps, fiances, no..
My relationship with my MIL changed dramatically when we finally got married.
Like others, my suggestion would be to get your current & future financial situation under control NOW — and not by moving in with fiancé’s Mom. That woman has made it very clear she isn’t interested in you; she is just interested in keeping her son close. Heck, I wouldn’t even get married until that relationship is worked out. By marrying you, he has to understand YOU come 1st, and I highly doubt that will ever happen.
Keep things as they are — engaged, living separately from her, and keep finances separate. I’m curious — did he move in with you or did you have a different place prior & you both moved into this new place? Is he sharing in 1/2 of the expenses or are you shouldering most because he pays her utilities?
I'm gonna be snarky now. Why doesn’t brother (& wife, does he have one?) move in with her instead?
oh, honey, it’s a sea of red flags.
Your future MIL is using her shyness as a control mechanism, it works too, even you feel guilty and you have no part in her life except for you love her son. She is good!
I am married to the shyest (?) person I have ever met. But, he enjoys doing things solo, he finds things that make him happy and give him a sense of accomplishment. He doesn't depend on anyone, including me to fill his time. So I feel differently about shyness and it's effects on someone. I don't think shyness makes you a lonely person, I think you have a challenging time out of your comfort zone, but you still live your life, you don't wrap up your loved ones to provide your needs and that is what she is trying to do. 1st her parents, then her son and now her son and his fiancee. But you will be easy to deal with once on her turf.
She has made no effort to get to know the woman her son wants to marry, huge waving red flag. My husband and I wanted to know our future sons in law because we wanted to know if our girls were screwing up. So, I think she has made her stand where you are concerned. If you want a happy relationship, try to become her friend and help her get involved in activities with her peers. Then she has no excuse for loneliness.
Best of luck!
Oh by the way, you paying 50% when there are 3 of you. WTH? That speaks volumes to me.
I went back and reread all of your responses:
"Yea currently she’s on a Medicare subsidy. Currently the arrangement is it goes to my fiancé and his brother..." How lovely for your fiancé and his brother! What a great windfall for them especially after you've subsidized their inheritance with your money.
"My fiancé actually did live with his mom. He moved back in once his grandparents died. That’s when her loneliness began." She's needy and that will never, ever change.
"Currently at the MIL home she pays the mortgage off her social security benefits and retirement funds. My fiancé and his brother help with the utilities. The financial plan is if we were to move in I’d share the costs 50/50 in all mortgage, utilities. Except insurance and property taxes." That's a great financial plan for your fiancé, his mother and brother and not a good financial plan for you. Did you ask yourself why they plan on excluding you from paying property taxes? By paying property taxes, you just *might* have an ownership right in the property. And what about your son? What does he stand to inherit? Bupkis!
"Yes my fiancé works, he owns a photo studio and a photographer. His income fluctuates where mine is a steady line since I’m salary..." No wonder he's okay with the financial plan *his mother* concocted.
"There’s definitely 2 great senior community centers in the area that are great. I wish I can even join! But don’t meet the age requirement and it’s in weekday mornings. Unfortunately she’s shy to go alone." Her shyness will become your problem.
"The community has 2 great senior centers with an abundance of activities and volunteers opportunities. The problem is that she’s to shy so she has to go with one of her sons at first. " Enabling is disabling.
"What’s also bizarre is that she only wants to socializes with her sons and a few other immediate family members like her siblings." Is that the life you want for yourself? That's your future if you marry into that family or move into her house. When people show us who they are, believe them.
"The plan actually came from the MIL. But I honestly feel like it’s desperation setting in. She has been complaining more and more about being lonely" Yes she is desperate to not be alone. You sound like you have a life. If you like the life you've made for yourself - line dancing, friends, etc. - run away and find someone whose values and goals aline with your own. You have decades of married life ahead of you. I urge you to ask yourself whether this is the married life you truly want.
"My fiancé always tries to see if I can get closer to her." Of course he does! It would make his life nice and easy and, just like his mother, he wouldn't have to change a thing.
"I have a son who’s 21. This really makes me think when I’m older. I told him, I’d never be a burden to you I will never want to be a burden. Especially when one would have their career and own family. Tending to an elderly mom daily is draining" She will suck the life right out of you, your sex life, and your social life. She will drain your finances. What will be left for your old age and for when your son may need to help you?
"There’s too much at stake for saving a few $100" I agree completely with that statement, Yrslz80.
"I know I’ll go insane after 2 months. Knowing myself I’ll try to avoid going home after a while to escape where within time, strain my relationship." What will happen to you and your career when your home life isn't restful and recuperative?
Marriage is too important to start off on the wrong foot. There are many red flags with this family. If you don't fit well into their family life now, what makes you think they will change in order to accommodate you?
If, in your busy life, you have the time to read, pick up the book “Quiet” by Susan Cain. It describes what it’s like being an introvert in our culture.
Many people have challenging relationships with their in laws. You know that. You’ve been married.
Your fiancé is mom’s go to whether you move in with her or not but the separate living spaces might make all the difference in keeping your relationship working.
Mom needs more in her life, no doubt, but a wider variety not just more of her sons time.
. . . . AND It is a useful conversation for you and fiancé because it flushes out all these larger issues that affect your futures.
Keep in touch and let us know how things progress.
Run run run ....... never move in no matter how lucrative it looks. Your relationship won't survive. If it does it will be strained. Your fiance will always side with his mother.
II'd suggest talking to eldercare attorney. For options.
I'm a daughter in law if 39 years and can say we are happy with the care they are receiving AND we have our lives back.
[quote] 9 hours ago
Thank you for your response. I agree with you. I work 40+ a week. I work in an insurance tech company where sometimes I need to fly to San Francisco. My life gets busy where sometimes I bring my work home. My friends have taken up line dancing so I join them and we have a blast. Then I have my fiancé and my son who lives away in college but comes to visit when he can or I visit. So it’s inevitable if I live there I may forget to take out my trash, make my bed, forget that the recycle goes on the green bin and the compost is all the way in the back. Dishes are washed and dried immediately after dinner. It’s overwhelming for someone that already has a busy life. But because this is her home and she’s there all day, these nuances are things to remember and not hard to forget. I’m afraid one day I’ll accidentally throw away the compost trash in the regular trash or forget to wash and dry my dish at dinner. I know I’ll go insane after 2 months. Knowing myself I’ll try to avoid going home after a while to escape where within time, strain my relationship. Definitely a no no. Thank you for your advice[/quote]
Yes, exactly!
Your home needs to be your sanctuary.
*edit? I’m not able to quote someone here? Sorry for the mess, all! 😬
If future MIL is in good health she might enjoy a part-time job or volunteer position. My parents are 70 & 74. They both volunteer during the week which keeps them connected to other people and fills up time.
My mom has been with me 2 years. My daughter and boyfriend (both very nice and so helpful - each of them) also lived with me. For a very long while at the beginning, she acted like it was her house, did not think she should have to lower the TV volume ( around 9-10pm) because they went to bed at that time to be up early for work, and the way the house is laid out, and with 2 cats that needed to go in and out of their room at night, they couldn't completely shut the door.
Followed by different comments etc., she basically said she would not stay here if boyfriend was going to be here. And I had the conversation with her, that this was not negotiable. There were many other comments from her about various things. She basically has always projected the vibe that everything should be done to accommodate her...... NOW keep in mind this is "my house" which I try my best to share. But her narcissistic personality always kicks in.
So, with the possibility of your moving into your MIL's home, I think it's a disaster waiting to happen, perhaps not all at once but gradually. Your MIL will probably be jealous of all the friends coming over, and esp. if she is not included.
My mother is in her 90's. She and your MIL sound very alike, but that's over 20 years difference in age! I am not far off from 70, and oh my goodness, I look forward to the day I can live alone again. I really do enjoy my daughter and her boyfriend's company, but I know they have their lives to live and need to be on their own... no rush as far as I'm concerned, but the controlling mother..... that's a hard one. It sounds like your MIL will suck the life out of you all, maybe not at first but somewhere down the line.
Also, if you and your husband pay for the mortgage completely, is the house title being changed to go into your names? I wish you good luck with whatever you decide, but I personally would never do it.
Oh, I almost forgot.... so I am not far from 70, and when I have the time and energy :), I hope to date again, do social things, volunteer, something, anything, but still work a full-time job and "married to my mother :)" right now. If your MIL at ONLY 70, doesn't do something independently for her depression and loneliness now, what is she going to do for the next 20-30 years??!! Are you willing to take care of her for that long? Because it most certainly will be expected in her mind for the both of you to take care of her. Ya'll are so young..... do not go down this road!!!
Each and every reply by the others all have good and very valid points for you to think about. Financial insecurity is difficult enough; add in-law(s) = certain divorce.
You are not responsible for her "loneliness"...which may be real or may be a manipulation tactic.
Please: live your own life! You only get one go 'round & it flies by!
This woman is 70 (70, NOT 90). Lives alone. Watches TV all day long. Says "I'm lonely". Won't go to Senior Center.
If you don't like watching TV all evening, don't move in. If you value time alone with your boyfriend, don't move in (mom wants HIM to move in, because she has no other distraction). If you want to feel "at home", don't move in.
Your friends as guests? I'd forget that except on special occasions, if any.
Financial benefit? In a week, maybe two days, you'd be wishing you had never moved. "Better to live in the corner of an attic than in a mansion with a quarrelsome woman." She may be nice and continue to be nice, but it is HER house.
You are an unmarried couple. Who gets the house when mom goes on to her reward? Half to one son, half to the other? Meanwhile, what if your sig other decides you don't fit in?
Legal papers drawn up by a lawyer? Even that leaves too many loopholes.
What to do with your furniture?
RUN, girl, RUN.. At 38 you have a long life ahead of you.,..At 70, MIL likely has a long life ahead of her as well....
A blunder is something that one has been forwarned about....you have asked for comments and you have received them...
No matter what, I urge you to not do this..
Grace + Peace,
Old Bob in North Carolina...
First, make sure you get the house if your MIL passes away, otherwise you are left high & dry and even poorer than you are now.
But you're paying half and your spouse is paying the other half of the mortgage - this means that together you're paying 100% so I don't fully understand how you're saving $$.
If you are not going to get the house in the end, you're better off reconsidering what you're thinking of doing because you will never realize any win-win.
Stay, Bae, WHERE YOU ARE....
Just so you understand, my In-laws moved in with us and as health has declined it has become extremely difficult and exhausting. Working full time and full time care giving is not easy. My sister in law promised that she would be over every day to help care for her parents since my husband and I both work full time. That lasted 4 months and she took the first opportunity to move away. It’s now been 10yrs.
Is there a chance the OP could have the same feeling about her fiance/husband's relationship with his mother--made worse because they were in the same house?
Once again we don't know these people well enough to be making such snap judgments about them and their mental health. She's an old woman living alone, of course she's lonely. It doesn't mean that she's "off." This is my opinion, you are entitled to yours. We are all entitled to our own opinions but we should be wary about making snap judgments about people we don't know.
Judgments are always projections of our own issues.
I wished I found this forum before I moved my mom in with me. She relied on me for her social outlet 24/7. Time alone with husband: zip, time alone with kids: nada, time for myself: zilch, time for vacation: what is that?
I was about to go crazy before I moved her out.
Personally, starting a new life with my fiancé/husband would not include helping a MIL continue or finish hers. She’s had her life to live, you’re only 38 - time to create your own life not be burdened with another’s.
And she relies on him for her happiness? What happens as she becomes needier? Is she the priority over you?
I'm sorry if this is harsh but you might be sacrificing your life and future happiness for her. If you’re willing to do that then I really do wish you the best. This isn’t something I would do but I’m not in your situation so grain of salt and all that 🤷🏼♀️
My mother, (88 yo) moved into our home & is paying our mortgage in return for my caregiving to her. Yes I'm 65 & we will have a mortgage for a long time yet. We are 1 year into the arrangement & so far so good, with a few ups and downs, but nothing insurmountable.
I still work part time so that keeps my sanity.
I say give it a trial run.