How do I protect myself from my siblings?

I logged in to update this thread, there were so many great responses I just wish I had done more before it was too late. This is going to be long, but a lot has occurred. I'm not one to air my dirty laundry and if anyone in the immediate family read this, they would know it was me but, honestly, IDC. It's the truth and if I can help someone else in this situation or encourage someone else to protect themselves BEFORE some thing major happens, then that's all that matters to me.

My dear mom passed away earlier this year. And, like many predicted, the claws (quickly) came out and the level of greed is disgusting. I'm a bit shocked, actually, that they're both so obvious about it and it hurts me to my core because I feel like my mom wasn't really that important to them. My parents didn't raise us this way and I have no doubt that my dear mom thought all would be ok after she passed because things had gotten a bit better after my posts. I guess I just didn't want to rock the boat and have my mom upset by seeing an atty or making changes. What a mistake that was.

So, I never got anything in writing or notarized (didn't stop my sister showing up with a typed out list of things that our mom signed, stating what she allegedly wanted them to have. Anything of value or significant sentiment (jewelry, etc) went to them, but the only thing to me was a piece of jewelry (that I bought).

My sister slid that diamond on her finger and stood in the kitchen admiring it with her cronies saying "I've always loved this ring". That was the night after she passed and I stood there and saw the next few months coming a mile away.

I also received, the day after she passed, a text from my brother to a website regarding tips to "sell your home fast". However, Mom made them swear to her, on her death bed (the limited time either were there) not to bug us at all about the house for 90 days. We didn't even get one day.

After her death, I learned that she bailed my brother out in 2009 so he wouldn't lose his home. Like, really bailed him out by refinancing her house and then making him an authorized user on one of her credit card accts and getting him a card in his name! Bail out.

Their "deal" was he would pay back the money owed from his portion of her life insurance policy...He continues to this day to use the acct and threatened me when I told him I was going to send in the death certificate. He just got plenty of $ from the insurance, but he is still using the card and refuses to close it out. That's fraud and in many states, identity theft. He apparently had a major tantrum when I said I would contact the CC company...like the man child he is.

The kicker? That credit card is showing up as my debt on my credit report bc I'm also listed as an authorized user...The balance is about $17k with a limit of 20k...her credit, not his. I also found it very strange that last month a statement from a newly opened acct (different acct #) from the same CC came in the mail with her name and a limit of $3k, no balance though and no card.

My sister and I were getting along but she's a vile and manipulative person. She has been playing both sides but I guess she's chosen his because she's blown through her insurance money. She's unstable, even lost her longtime job after a tantrum in her office shortly after my mom passed.

Moving on, when I found out about the CC and that there was nothing I could do to remove me or it from my credit report (remember, we're going to need to buy a house) I sent her a text, venting and very upset due to the fact that my bro was still using that acct and threatens me when I asked for it to be closed. She changed her side (again) after egging me on and sent him a screen shot of a text I sent her. Her explanation was that he "asked her to tell him whenever I said something mean or nasty about him!" These are 40 & 50 something adults I'm talking about.

What adult man does that? What adult woman complies? I just have to lol...

So, after about a month of peace & quiet and (thank Jesus for call block) no tantrums or threats, they started up again this week. I got a ridiculous email from my sister stating what she THINKS is going to happen, and how things are going to be, and the date they will all be here to go throughout the house to pick out what they want (I work that day, for 12 hours) with NO compromise.

Now he is scheduling people for painting estimates, etc. with little to no warning to us. There is no respect, no nothing for me or my husband. They can't just let us grieve and pack no leave... They seem to have to dig that knife deeper and deeper, to really make me hurt. Is it guilt? Who does this after their mo dies?

So yeah, it did get a LOT worse. My mom would be so ashamed. I'm not claiming I am innocent 100% but these people are off the chain with their greed and manipulation. The things my brother has said about me are horrible. I'm guessing it is the anger they probably (subconsciously) feel for themselves but bc they're both narcissists, it is directed at us.

I'm not the type of gal who can tolerate psychopaths or BS, so I'm not. I'm not dealing or giving into with the demands and them not doing what my mom wanted. For example, she wanted to leave my husband $10k from the sale of the house because he honestly gave up the most, money and job wise, to care for her. My sibs now have it as a measly $1,000...the rationale being that I would "share" my insurance payout with him, but it's just more money in their pockets. There's been no thank you, way to stay right there by mom those horrible last three days while we went out of town (her) and claimed going to work (him). She did make it there five mins before she passed, so that's good I guess.

Long story short: We have an appointment in the morning with an atty. I just want a cease and desist of all the BS and demands. Oh, and for them to all to stop from walking right in here with no knock. They have keys and the garage code. There is and has been ZERO respect.

I do have the money to spend on an atty but I don't WANT to. However the CC fraud and the fact my brother just had another breach of contract lawsuit filed against him in March 2015 makes me think he should remove himself as executor.

I also have a call out to the estate attorney handling things to inform him of their behavior and that I am not being informed of the meetings and to find out if that CC has been closed paid off yet. He hasn't called back. We were 1200 miles away when the last meeting took place...they both knew when we'd be out of town and I now feel that they're both complicit in scheduling these meetings and their household grab for when we are not available.

I'm not paying any of the bills anymore. I refuse. I will pay the power bill, but I'm not paying a cent on the mortgage, or anything else. It is petty, I know, but that's ALL the power I have.

Whew.

Lovelyn. OMG. No. You let them walk all over you, and you are still letting them. SEND the death certificate to the credit card company, because if you are an authorized user then it could also be considered your responsibility, and you could get nailed for not doing it as well as your brother. You brother is not going to remove himself as executor- who are you kidding?!!! The estate attorney is not going to call you back, your brother is executor and he or she answers primarily if not exclusively to your brother, who can probably forbid him or her to even talk to you. I am sorry for the loss of your mom, and I beg you to think whether if she knew half of what was going on, she would still want you to refrain from legal action, even the bare minimum you need to do to protect yourself. And whether these siblings of yours with the overblown sense of entitlement are ultimately going anywhere good if simply permitted to continue. ALL THAT IS NEEDED FOR EVIL TO TRIUMPH IS FOR GOOD PEOPLE TO DO NOTHING! Complaining to us about how bad your siblings are on here is way too close to doing nothing, though you do have our sympathy and our agreement that they are exhibiting absolutely awful behavior, FWIW...but that and a couple bucks will get you a good cup of coffee.

What I really want to say is...Kick yourself once in the butt, hard, then lawyer up for God's sakes, before you get nailed with the entire mortgage, bills, and everything and anything else, and a credit score of 402 to help you deal with it.

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother and for everything you have been through. However, personally, I would take the money you plan to spend on a lawyer and rent a house or apartment and pack quickly and get the heck out of Dodge. Pack anything you want from the house, that you feel entitled to because that will be the end of it. Leave the house as it, and leave it to your brother to deal with. Cut those ties. You have lived rent free, even though you were also providing care. You apparently work and have an adult daughter who can probably live on her own if need be. Anyway, you are not going to win this argument. You've had time to prepare for this eventuality so, use your anger to help you have the energy to pack and move. You can unplug the garage door opener. You can change the code. You can change the locks until you move out. Then just let them have it and stew in their own juices.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. That is just what I would do, and what I advise you to do. You can not reason with deranged people. As far as the credit card goes, send in the death certificate, have your name removed from the account and ask them to send a letter to the Credit Bureaus stating that you have done that. Maybe they will, maybe they won't. But you don't get what you don't ask for.

Time to close out this chapter of your life and turn the page to a new, fresh chapter.

Thanks. I appreciate it. I really was blinded by the holidays, caring for my mom, her last hospitalization and her passing. But I'm not now. That is our plan, to just pack up, take what we want, and leave town.

I won't get stuck with anything...I'm not the executor. The fraudster brother is. He cannot pay that CC bill off but he has made significant improvements to his house. It's just terrible and I'm embarrassed by their actions.

He won't even sign the title of her old van over to my husband, who she left it to bc he's always taken care of it. It's 16 years old and not worth much but God forbid they do one thing she asked.

I really don't need much. I'm taking all the furniture I want. She told me to...some of it is mid century that I really love and I'm grateful for that.

But, what I'm most grateful for is being there with her and for her those last few days. It was both one of the most beautiful and one of the saddest times in my life. But, we had the BEST talk, just me and her, the night before she passed. It was a long one and filled with nothing but love and appreciation and what she wanted for me and my husband and daughter.

That's priceless to me and something they didn't get, will never have and it serves them both right. The one left to go out of town, the other left and went home and to "work" so he said. They missed the worst of it, my brother wasn't even there when she passed. He was "tired"...so was everyone else, especially his mom.

She loved me and taught me to be a good person, to have compassion for others and that a strong will is one of the best qualities you can have, among other things. I'm so grateful to have had such a great mom. She also wanted nothing more than for us to get along and take care of each other but I guess we're now left out of the equation, and that's ok. It not, actually, but it'll have to be for now.

This POST IS FROM JULY 2014.... I hope things are going okay for you and you and your siblings have found a solution by now....

ILM, Lovelynn updated yesterday. Going okay now? Er, not really…

Lovelynn, I'm so sorry this turned into such a sh*t storm. You are gritting your teeth bravely, and I hope that at the very least you'll get good advice from your attorney about setting right the more egregious abuses. And I'm sorry for your loss. You're slightly making my heart sink because my siblings and I are about to embark on the, um, aftercare phase, if I can put it like that; and on past form we don't deal so well with minefields of conflict. But at least no one that I know of is actually out to profiteer! It turns the stomach. Hugs to you, best of luck, and please keep updating. Even if some people, hem-hem, don't seem to notice???

Sounds like you are more the winner than your bro and sister. They will have to answer to there sin.
I am a dpoa to my mom. My brothers were living in thesamestatewith my mom. Then when she moved to the state that I live in they were still asking for money. The past 5 Years my youngest bro decided he didn't want to be in contact with his mother. My mom wiped outheraccountto provide him money. And this was how he decides to show his consideration.
How do I protect my self atthetimeofher passing? My mom resides atthe NH and is currentlywithhospicecare. Her soc goes to the room and board. If the bros show up they are only looking for money. I don't trust them nor do I feel like I need to pay there way if they choose to come see her. And of course they have no fiumda to travel but have the full to ask for assistance. I understand this isn't answering a question but it is on topic. Thank you for your suggestions!

Gotta say I feel much, much better after our meeting with the atty.

He used the words bullied and screwed to describe the situation. A lot of what my sister has been telling me are lies regarding the laws, etc.

I felt so good, I went ahead and retained him. Someone I trust very much recommended I call him a month or so ago. Glad I finally did.

Equinox, if she is in the NH and her social security is paying for it, then what is it they think she has?

Usually the NH and SS have low limits when it comes to how much in assets you can have.

If you're the executor of her estate, if she has one, then you will be able to consults and be guided through it by the estate atty. I'm not the exec but was her caretaker and HC POA.

Bc of the actions and attitude my siblings have taken with me, I had to get my own atty to protect and advocate for me and my family.

My mom doesn't have an estate set up. She has really only the clothes she is wearing. The Dpoa that I have is durable power of attorney. Includes health care surrogate, financial, medical. I was informed that the dpoa is void when she passes. What can my brothers contest after she passes if this is all she has?

Equinox, if there is no will and no executor, anything she has goes through probate court and state laws apply. Life insurance beneficiaries get whatever the policy directives say they get also. All DPOAs end at death.

Vstefans. Her clothes go to probate..?

No not that sort of thing that would go to Goodwill, just anything signifcant like a house or valuables, what's left in a bank account. I guess I either thought you were being figurative, and I was just saying in general....but if she really has nothing then what on earth are the brothers even going after?

Since the evil sibs have found out I retained my own counsel, I have been very publicly defamed on facebook, threatened, etc. It jus NEVER ends.

I've cut my hours at work to the bear minimum so I can get the house ready for sale then we are leaving. They can deal with it as far as I am concerned.

Just cannot wait to get out of here, put all this behind me and start fresh. Heal from losing my mom, take better care of myself, etc. It's been a long time coming, that is for sure.

As far as I am concerned, they can rot and I have no desire to ever see or hear from either of them again. We weren't close to begin with, only when they wanted something so it is no loss for me, honestly.

I have all I need in MY family. Knowing I can trust them 100% and putting over 1,000 miles between us and the BS is exciting and makes me happy. :)

I think that people like your siblings feel that since you are not paying rent you are therefore hanging out in front of the tv, eating Hostess cupcakes. They are sadly mistaken. Your siblings do not realize that your presence alone is prevents a lot of problems. you do much more than they think. I like the idea of a mediator. Maybe starting documenting what "your day" is like. That might come in handy.

Ok, I'm confused about a couple of things. Who did mom leave the house to? If it was to the three of you, then they would have to take you to court and force the sale of the house to make you move out. Also, her "estate" can require brother to pay back the debt he owes, which would be taken from his share of the inheritance. Regarding the credit card, I don't believe you are responsible for it as just an "authorized user". You would have to be the owner of the card.

Mom died Wednesday May 6,2015. She's at peace now.

DGRIAS, our sympathies.

I'm so sorry for your loss, DGrias. Be prepared to "flounder a bit" as you adjust to this change in your life. It's ok to take it slow.

my sympathies to you DGrias. my father passed in January. please feel free to pm me if needed.hugs to you!

You have great advice here. It seems it would be in your best interest to follow the advice to take your mom to her attorney and get this all cleaned up. Have her make changes to suit you, provide you income, and be able to live in the house as long as you/your family need it. Having been a caregiver for an older lady, one daughter took her mother to the lawyer and had the daughter changed over to the daughter who seems to really do and care the most. Yes, it was a big upheaval, but it set up the boundaries of respect that was needed by all. Yes, it seems you have over served your mother and your family. I truly think that you should plan to move out and let the siblings take over under the guise that you need immediate possession of the house in your name and that you will begin to have respite care and assign all the money necessary for her needs. You can not do less. I would even look at talking with another elder attorney on your behalf. If your mother thought that you could not continue to care for her, then she might sign off on what you need. A daughter can sometimes be a real doormat and I think you have been one. It seems that your mom does too if she gives control over you your brother while you are doing all the work. It is not just your siblings. It is your mother and your siblings who do not seem to have a moral compass. You need to stand up and speak up with her doctor as well. When I did so much for my mother before she died, her doctor would always stand up for me and he seemed to have the power and knowledge to make things right. Doctors have a lot of advice to help you and they also give recommendations to get help and advice. If you seek the doctor's help first, you might realize that things can be different. You have a choice to take this abuse from your siblings or to stop it. You also need to have a talk with your own doctor. He may decide to limit what you can do for your mother and order her to have other home care workers come in for other services. I am sorry to hear that you had to move in with her and possibly not afford to live on your own. That puts you into a real low position. You should also have a copy of the will which if done right is on file in your county courthouse. There is much that you do not know. It sounds as if your issues with your siblings have gone on for a lifetime. Ill parents can bring out the worst in their adult children. If you go with some advice with your doctor, and a visit with your mom's lawyer and yourself, you might get the most help and support.
Like me, you were the caregiver in the family, but mine was not near what you have been suffering with. I would just do my homework, get a copy of the will and turn all of my dealings over to my attorney and if need be, get out of it all. Let them have it all. They have no respect for you and I bet you have been a little caring doormat all of your life..... God knows we have limitations, so He would encourage you to take care of your mental, emotional, and physical health. Mentally, I do not know how you have taken this. Good luck.