I am a caregiver to my 87-year-old mother in my home. She reported me for elder abuse. How do I deal with that?

Libracat, I feel your pain. I think some people just can't understand what it is like to deal with a self centered, and excuse the term "narcissistic" parent. I lived with two. Dad verbally abused me, no one in my family denies it. Mom is a selfish baby and put up with Dad because no man in his right mind would have put up with her nonsense. I just love the people who give so much advice but also tell you how their lovely parent wasn't like this. My husband has seen what a mess my family is up close and personal, yet he still can't wrap his mind around it. I know what you are going through, I have seen the same behaviors in my mother that you are seeing.

If there are so few narcissistic people out there, then why so much misery? Yes, narcissism is used a lot for a lot of selfish personality problems. And it is probably over used. But "something" is wrong with these people. And cattails, Ifeel your pain too. It is frustrating to have such a disagreeable parent and try so hard to make things work when the parent cares only for themselves.

You have to live with a selfish parent or narcissistic parent to really understand the deep psychological damage they do everyday to you. It is impossible for someone who hasn't lived this to understand the damage it does. no matter what label you put on these people, the result is the same. Damage where ever they go.

Libracat (love your name): My 91 yr old Mother lives with me and a NH is a LAST resort. It would make me feel like I'm giving her away to supposed professionals but in reality, they are ignored and not tended to as should be. I'll keep her with me until the very last possible hurdle cannot be overcome. Faith, prayer and patience live with us...they can't hurt!

Libracat, I will accept that "these narcissistic people have such a huge sense of entitlement that they see things differently and totally believe that the world OWES them, that they are better than others and deserve only the best care and they will do anything and everything to get it (except pay for it)". That is how they see the world.

But how do YOU see the world? You know better than to think she is entitled to the best of everything served on a silver platter by a slave. This is the piece of the narcissistic picture I just don't get. You have insight into this behavior. You know what is going on. And yet you continue to enable it, to your own detriment. Why? Why did you feel compelled to let her decide to live in your home? Why do you feel that you need to keep her there? I truly do not understand that part. I have been a caregiver for nine years, but I have not dealt with a narcissistic person for one day. So I do not understand your situation, but I'm willing to try to.

I know that "why" questions sometimes imply criticism. But I am quite sincere in wanting to try to understand this phenomonum. Why do you (and other caregivers of people with this disorder) continue to put up with it?

I'm back with the Question that you should look up. I just want to say for others on this post that I have read other comments and question from Libracat and they are worth reviewing if you want to better understand her situation.

Libra: Find this Question: "Two years this July my mother has been living with me. She is a mean and hateful woman and I just can't do it anymore." Here is a horror story that surpasses yours and a positive solution.

Good luck.

Hey Libracat: You have a bit of an attitude problem. I've been taking care of my parents for 6 1/2 years, so you don't have the corner on that market. No one is suggesting that your mom is starving or that she is a reasonable person. Clearly, she is a manipulator and a pain in the ass. All anyone was saying is who cares if she doesn't eat exactly the way she should. Granted, while you are shopping isn't the best time for her to clearly overindulge and then fall on her face. And if she can get out and do her own thing, stuff her face with whatever she wants, well that's news to us since you haven't shared it before. You make it sound like you are her only means to food.

I asked you a reasonable question and you still have not given a reasonable answer. JUST BECAUSE your mom doesn't want to pay to live somewhere else is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. YOU DO NOT have to open your home to her, put up with her shit or bust your ass to keep her living another 10 years. This is what you CHOOSE to do. So, in my opinion, you are creating your own problems.

You must be getting something out of this or you wouldn't do it. Your mom has the means to live in assisted living. Where does it say that she can tell you or your brother that she will not do so and it's your responsibility to house her. That's nuts. There has to be more to it than that. You are a smart woman and your mom is not fooling you. I'm sure of that.

There is another feed on this site that you should take a look at. It is a rare example of someone who is in a terrible place, wants it to change, gets the information and support and then does something positive herself and her family. I'm going to look it up and send it to you.

I'm sure you mom is cleaver, but you are no dummy. You are a bright accomplished woman and I still have no idea why you let her live with you. It's not my business, as you say, but it is a natural question to ask of any person who is as miserable as you are and has a parent with means.

Cattails

Just to set the record straight: my mother gets three meals prepared by me every day, on a tray, served to her in her room and when my children are here or it is a holiday, she will join us ( maybe) in our dining room, unless she is upset that it is someone else's birthday other than her, or she doesn't want to participate.
She is far from hungry.....what you don't know is that her own family doctor told me, in front of her, just exactly what she should be eating: fresh fruits, vegetables, no processed or "convenience" foods - but because as an adult living alone for forty or more years she chose exactly what she wanted, and ate with abandon, she is only interested in "her" foods: primarily sugar, salt and starch-laden baked goods, macaroni and cheese, etc. These are exactly the foods that caused all of her health conditions but she doesn't stop eating them.
I told the doctor that I do all of my own cooking, from scratch using only fresh ingredients. I've been married for forty years so I know how to cook. The variety of foods she receives is astounding........let's see how many of you could come up with inventive suppers 365 days a year. It's not easy!
Did I mention that she cajoled the bathing lady into buying her candy and chocolate and sneaking in baked goods to her on a weekly basis because I "forbade" her to have them? She gets plenty of desserts, trust me. Did I tell you that she organizes trips to malls solely to eat? Especially cured meats loaded with salt and fat? If I make a comment about it then I'm the bad guy, or she turns it back on me, "well you eat all those things" (no I don't, and I haven't had heart attacks, blocked arteries or diabetes either).
Or how about her hiding and hoarding food in her room? Or bringing in "proper" groceries when her purse is loaded with chocolate bars, candies and butter tarts?
I don't think that some of you realize just how devious these people can be. They will do anything, manipulate and scheme to get their own way and what they want. I really resented that comment that she could be "hungry" - she can pack away three squares better than any man I've ever seen finish off a plate.
One day I took her to WalMart after she had been in my home for four months. She wanted to eat at McDonald's (when she lived alone she ate at every pancake house and convenience/takeout food joint in town) against my better wishes. I went up to the counter to order for both of us and was met with "Oh don't bother - I'll place my own order." And what was it for? TWO bacon double cheeseburgers, fries, and TWO apple pies. Okay, so then what? Well after she ate most of that we continued shopping, only to have her black out and fall on the floor in the frozen food section. Either her blood pressure skyrocketed from all that sodium or she had some sort of even but I guarantee you that the food she ate was at fault.
My mother is far from hungry, she does not have limited mobility (she can go to the hairdresser and the grocery, both of which she did today alone, and took a cab home, again, alone). She was even a medical secretary in her past and knows exactly the details of her condition and what she should be doing for it!
And, cattails, with all due respect (although I owe no one an answer as to why I have her in my home) - I will tell you: during her hospitalization in 2008, both her family dr. and the floor dr. of the hospital told my brother and I that it was unsafe and unhealthy for her to be living alone any more. In an Oscar-worthy performance (she knew my brother's house was too small for her to go to and "they can't do it because they both work but you can because you don't")
she looked forlornly up at the dr. and the ceiling and then at my brother and I and said "I guess I have no choice, I'll have to live with you". When I said that the choice was ALL hers and she could make her own decision as to where to go to live, she adamantly told us that she would NOT pay to live anywhere and wouldn't go anywhere.
What I don't think you understand is that these narcissistic people have such a huge sense of entitlement that they see things differently and totally believe that the world OWES them, that they are better than others and deserve only the best care and they will do anything and everything to get it (except pay for it). They will not look after themselves because they are too lazy - and besides, why should they do it when they can get someone else to do it?
I also forgot to say how clever they are.....my mother would sit in the lobby of her apartment building waiting for someone to invite her up for "tea and a muffin" - that was 4 or 5 times a day. She also had people leaving her "treats" on her doorstep and when I went to her place while she was in the hospital the kitchen table had every kind of cake, tart, and pastry and cookies on it that you could imagine.
So, please, people! I appreciate the comments from those who understand my situation......but until you do this "job" for three or four years as I have, kindly cut me some slack! Thank you.

Ah, 3pinkroses, what a painful story. Outside of fiction and this website, I have never known a person with a narcissistic personality disorder. Certainly I've seen outrageous behavior of various kinds, but the totally narcissistic person is new to me. So I don't think it is as widespread as these forums would make it seem. Certainly caregivers who are dealing with this kind of drama and trauma would be likely to seek out this kind of site. Those caregiving little ol' grannies who have chicken and dumplings ready when they get home and who are knitting everyone a lovely bedcover are not as apt to be well represented here. My parents and the parents of my friends are/were not narcissistic, so it doesn't seem like the whole generation is infected, to me.

In any case, YOUR mother has this dreadful disorder and I am sincerely glad she is not living with you. You seem to be a very strong woman with a great deal of wisdom. I thank you for taking the time to share that with others here.

3pinkroses: You are one amazing woman. Your input to others is always so kind and sincere. I think this is the first time I have ever heard this voice of yours and I applaud it. Maybe it was there in your other posts, but you always give good advise and seem to give room for others to find their way.

I am so sorry for the loss of your dad and the mother you have had to endure. You are such a good person and a fierce mom. Good for you. You Rock!!!! I'm so glad your mom is in a nursing home and you are free to visit her or not. Go to the love and the light. That is where your heart and family are and that's where you should be too.

I think there are many people from the wwll generation who were not mentally ill, like your mom. Like your dad, there were not narcissistic. Most of them felt that Social Security and Medicare would take care of them. Now, so many of us who are their children find that we are in the situation to provide their care. They live longer than their parents did. Most of them did not take care of their parents, contrary to the romantic myths, because medical interventions were not what they are today.

3PR, my heart goes out to you, but you have done the right thing in not allowing an abusive mother to ruin your life or the lives of your children. Keep posting and thanks for sharing a real heart felt moment with us.

I will always be there for you. Love and white light, Cattails.

Madge, don't assume that your mom will do the same to you because she has narcissistism. It does sound like she can be a bit selfish. However, if push ever come to shove and she needed someone to care for her and you do not think you will be able to then that is okay too. Maybe, if and when that time comes that maybe your brother will be able to handle her. I wouldn't worry about it too much.

I am just going to vent here - I am so tired of the self absorbed, narsicictic parent running over some of us with their constant demands, uncaring manner and self absorption. My mother is in a facility due to the fact that through her actions (and i won't explain) she put herself there. She will constantly taunt me with her grievences. her demands that make no sense, but are controlling none the less. I'm done with the excuses of dementia, etc. when this is on-going behavior forever sincee I was 12 years old. I have had to be the mother while my mother went on to have a decent life. It seems to be we have created a generation of self-indulgent elderly who demand just what they want and when they want it. I have three girls to still be a mother to they range in age 18 - 23. They are resentful of how my mother has always tried to manipulate me with "whatever" to get what she wants. The God I know and love and believe in wants me and my family to have a full life full of his graces. If my mother wants and tries to sabotage anything I have; I will protect it all with the fierceess of a lion protecting her cubs. My mother said when I had children that she was :DONE WITH BEING A GRANDPARENT - fine with me; I'm done with the drama, etc. Seems like there is a generation out there - post world war II vetereans and there families who feel entitled to demanding and ruining of the children's lives. Mfy mother through her actions has put herself in a nursing home. She blames everyone else for her problems. I refuse to ruin my family by stooping to her demands...She single handedly ruined my father's life and I loved him more than words could ever express. I feel we have to stop the controlling parent who makes there beds and should lay in it. I am done.

Libracat: Everyone sympathizes with your situation. I've asked you before why you continue to keep your mom in your home. You have never answered that question. We can go on forever with people telling you their stories, but I'm still waiting to hear your story. Why do you keep your mom in your home?

I am so sorry to hear about this but I fear the same behavior from my Mom who IS in a NH. I had to remove her phone because she would call me no matter the time day and night several times for the samething. Mom claims to be nearly blind from Macular degeneration ( but she can tell you that you're loosing or getting "hippy") Mom constantly looses, mis-place or throws things away ny mistake, therefore she has no personal info phone numbers, addresses, Bank info etc. last week she secretly told the Family that I was keeping her contacting the family by not giving her phone numbers.

For years she has accused Dad of any and everything, now she accuses the NH laundry dept of stealing her clothes ( I take inventory...her clothes are fine!) month I go over the "business" with her, bills paid to the NH, checking account balance. She says "darling that's not necessary, I trust you more than I trust myself", Yeah but if I dont go over it with her she signifies to others that she has no clue whats going on and that she could be in the poor house for all she knows.

When any of this is brought to her attention, she's the great denier or can't remember. Makes me wonder what kind of child she was. I love her so but looking back, she has been a fantastic manipulator using sympathy, guilt, conniving and my ignorance. Well my eyes ar wide open and the best I can tell her now is the way you have passively used people has come an end, NOBODY is going for that crap anymore. Dad is now 97 and sleeps most of the day, he's tired and I am too! We are all that's left, dont dig a hole you can't cover!

Your Mom needs some reality checks!

You already have a foot in heaven for your efforts. How your mother behaves isn't your responsibility but when she calls in the law, it's time to take your stand. Could they not see how you have your living quarters for her? I'm sure if they took a peak into your refrigerator, it would not be bare. My 91 year old mother lives with me and if she ever did such a thing, I really don't know what I would do. So, the best I can do is PRAY for you because we all know you're making sacrifices you didn't truly expect. I know I didn't; I have no regrets but I'm a 56 year old widow with a fantastic lifelong friend as my 6-month boyfriend so I thank God I have someone patient. Otherwise, I'd feel so alone. I hope you have someone to share you thoughts with, and to help defend you when you're doing nothing but what you think you should, help your mother. God bless and I hope EVERYTHING works out for both of you to live happy and healthy!!!

Actually, I thought Jeannegibbs had a good point. We as care givers want to do the very best for our parents, but sometimes we forget that doing everything right can limit the joy in another person's already limited life. A little understanding of the importance of some forbidden pleasure, ie food, can make life worth living for an elderly person.

My dad, for example, has one thing he really looks forward to and that is his meals. He's not diabetic, but if he was I think I'd find a way to give him some food choices that make him happy. Not saying go over board.

Prophet, I feel your pain. Sure all stories have two sides. But I think too many people blame bad behavior on aging when in reality it is just bad behavior. My mother has plenty of money, is a mizer, and that is how she chooses to be. She has been this way since I can remember. I have just really noticed it in the last, say, twenty or so years. My husband is stunned by her selfishness.

well the nursing home is not always the answered cuz they are being abused there thats why i do private care now ..i would set my mother down and let her know im taking care of you for a reason and just let it all roll out

While I am saddened by your circumstances but I really needed to see this TODAY. I have been struggling with my mom being in ASLF under the control of my brother. I just found out that he doesn't even have me listed as a point of contact for our mom. I have been feeling somewhat guilty about wanting to just let go because even in there she is hurting me. I am glad now that she doesn't live with me b/c she would be doing the same thing to me. She has accused me of stealing her money, trying to harm her, my daughter trying to harm her, she has said I don't take her out when she was with me before and to me its just getting worst even while in ALF. I am trying to close on her house and she's fighting me on it b/c she thinks I am going to steal her money. I have never stolen anything from her at all. Its all so hurtful and I pray that you can forgive her as I struggle to forgive my mom even now. You may want to consider placing her somewhere for alittle while until she is more manageable. I have resolved to leave my mom there until I can manage her and if that doesn't happen then she is safe and I must relieve myself of the guilt.

This is a caregiver's website, not a patient's site. Every tale has two sides. That's why we have courts. I can only sympathize with the stories told here. We never hear the other side. My heart goes out to the caregiver and my heart goes out to the elder also. It seems that they are suffering and unhappy. Let's put ourselves in their positions........hungry, demented, limited mobility, limited funds, and may be in some sort of pain. Would we want that? These are end-of-life issues. Let's dig deeper for some more answers other than the ones presented here.

I certainly don't mean this as a denfense of your mother's indefensible behavor. But here is my perspective on one issue. I am diabetic. I'm well-educated on it. I know what/how I should eat. But I don't always do what I know I should. If someone were forcing me to follow good practices day in and day out, 365 days a year, I'd probably wind up strongly resenting that person, even knowing they are doing it in my own interests. Assuming I'm in my right mind, I expect to have a large say in what I eat. I know the risks. I should get to decide how much risk I'm willing to take.

I would never complain about this behind someone's back, but I would definitely make my expectations perfectly clear to my caregiver.

Just my perspective on a little detail ...

BTW, Mom told my brother not to let me know how much money she has because I have asked my Dad for money in the past (Not one word of this is true). And she told my neighbor I want to take over her finances and health care (Not true either). All we were trying to do was get her to set up her POAs and medical directive or living will. So she made up the lies to keep me in the dark. She also gossips about my brother and his wife. They can never do enough for her. She is paranoid and never a two good things to say about anyone.

I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole. Thanks for letting me rant a bit. :)

Libracat, thank you for posting this. Is your Mom normal? Just ungrateful?

This is a wake up call for me. My 81 year old healthy Mother has told many lies to family and friends. She has always been narcissistic and selfish. She wants attention. Her lies have ruined my relationship with my brother. He chooses to believe her, sort of, depending on the lie.

My aunt 'outted' her. Told me how she says no one checks on her, she could be dead for days, what terrible children we are. We have done everything to try to engage her and include her in our lives. She is really not interested.

Mom is still healthy but I will not take her into my home. She will do the same thing to me that your mom has done. They are just ungratful, selfish people. Mom will go to a nursing home. Your Mom should be ashamed of herself.

Libracat: Who took your mom to visit 2 care facilities? Did that take place as a result of her complaint?

Libracat, I just have to start off by saying, "Wow!." Here you are going out of your way to make sure she eats healthy and make sure she is in a safe enviornment area-home and you are trying to socialize with her. Does she have AD for that is pretty sneaky and she is able to have a cognitive mindset to be able to write and express herself to her friend. I'm sorry for feeling this way but she would be going into the NH or closely on her way for that is a serious complaint no matter if it was by a letter or word of mouth. Maybe she needs to address her eating issues toward her Endocrine and see what he might have to say about her complaints and I bet she will not like what she hears. You got more strenght and patience than I do. Guess, I better go back to education myself some more on AD.

Wow. This kind of behavior is not at all unusual in persons with dementia. But I'm surprised to see how common it is in non-dementia cases. Who knew?

Wow I know that is hard to take. My mother tries to gain sympathy and attention in the same manner. I was grilled by my brother and sister about why wouldn't I let mm mom in the kitchen and switching her medications. Well, my siblings never help take care of mom and sure don't want to start now. We all got together, including my mom, to discuss this. She tried to claim she never said anything like this. At least my sibs got to see first hand mom's game playing. Also in front of all, I explained to mom that if she really feels like she's not allowed in the kitchen etc. she can go to assisted living and if she keeps up with these stories they could back fire on her and she'll have no choice but to go someplace "safe". I think what she really wants is attention and we're trying to get her to socialize a little with the other church ladies. I don't know if this helps but please know you're not alone. If your mom continues, the outcome is her own doing and maybe there's a little peace in that. Good luck.

Libracat, I am so sorry for what your mother has put you through after all you have done for her. I am still in shock over what she did to such a wonderful, caring daughter. It's interesting the truly unkind acts they are capable of doing. I'm not surprised as it is something my own mother would do if she were living with me. But, shocked that her "friend" forwarded this to the police.

Just feel so badly that you had to go through all this on top of all you do. Hugs to you and take care.

I am so sorry to hear about your situation, Redhead - very unfortunate. I live in Canada so I'm not fully knowledgeable about your health system - but there must be some kind of agency that can help you if your father is in danger to himself or others? I'm surprised that the police could not point you in that direction. Forget about any help from your mother - sounds like she gave up a long time ago. Perhaps you could start with social services? a care agency? What about your father's family doctor? Your father must need a physical/ psych check-up by now.
I wish you well and you will be in my prayers.

To:Libracat- My father 87 ran out of our home to street only in a tee shirt and undershorts. He was with the Police. They said nothing to me and did nothing. My mother told me not to hit my father but did nothing about the situation - she abandoned us when I was little leaving my father to raise me alone. She knew I was having difficulty with him, but she offered no advice or help. My neighbor knew he would lose his keys and sit on the stairs all day, but offered no advice or help. I wish I had the support you had in your situation.
Redhead

You go through the system, get "investigated" and learn that this is not uncommon. It's a (not useful, not practical) way for elders to seize some control over a dwindling universe and lack of autonomy in the ways they are used to: It must be someone's "fault." If they can be "rescued" they return to life as a 45 year old, or whatever.

Repeat this to yourself: it isn't personal. It's a oping mechanism. It isn't personal. And the APS people will see that when they come check things out. As for other family members, invite them in to see the situation.

I was reported to APS-taking care of my disabled husband being his servant and actually he had a history of physical and verbal abuse to me-a case worker came to the house -the report was made by a home care nurse-she asked us loads of questions and said she was going to get me out of the picture and he would have 24/7 care-which he already had-ME after she left I called my daughter who worked in another county in social service and she said they had no power and her co-workers were embarrased by what had happened-I called her later that day and asked to to come over my husband was lifting large flagstones fixing our walk-she passed herself off as a sociaal worker but gave me a card that said case worker. A few weeks larer a man running for office came by and I told him the story and he happened to be in charge of social service in a few counties and he reported those involved.Lib it that was my Mom she would be on her way to a nursing home so fast.