My brother passed unexpectedly Saturday. We were supposed to take my Mother to see him prior that day. Mom has dementia but is not fully forgetful. I spoke to the nurse in Assisted Living who knows her best after after 2 1/2 years with her. The nurse said that she has MANY moments of being fully clear and lucid and that we should gently tell her. I went to her and slowly eased into the subject. She did not cry but was so deeply saddened and upset. She went between sad and laughing about this or that. All in all she was okay. Since then she will either call and ask how we think Steve looked when she saw him Saturday (she did not) to expressing how wrong it is that he left prior to her as it is not the normal order. Not depressed.
My question to you is...when she talks about Steve in the present as if he is alive, do we let her believe it?
Guidance is welcomed here.
Thank you,
Marie
Ccondolences for your loss.
I've cared for my mom for five years now from mild cognitive impairment (forgetting, asking the same questions over and over, etc.) to mid stage Alzheimer's. I've gone to classes and conferences, and many sessions of support groups to realize that your
loved one's well-being is more important than always telling the truth. I want my mom to be as happy as possible in this "no quality of life" existence she now has. She has limited sight and hearing and the simple joys of reading and looking at photos are over.
I started with help in the home ,which she fought, then assisted living, and after a fall, she went to a group home with ten residents and two full-time caregivers. She just wants me to be with her as often as I can and hold her hand. I went from seeing her three times a week to usually once a week. I no longer worry about her 24/7. I wish I could have persuaded her to go o the group home first, but she still in pretty good shape for two years. Once they fall, it's downhill for sure.
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You cannot share the grieve with your Mom like a normal situation because you are not in a normal situation. Everytime she brings him up, I'm sure it will be hard/harder for you.
My Mom would always correct my Dad when he spoke about his parents or his siblings who had passed away. He would be devastated. It was heartbreaking.
Try to remember how she would be if things were normal. It may of brought you closer together especially if she held all of you close to her heart.
I never knew my grandfather and my grandmother died when I was 8 yrs old but I heard stories about them. Those stories sometimes brought up conversations about them. When my Dad would ask about My Grandfather, I'd tell him he was at the ranch or working at the store then ask him to tell me about the animals or about the family grocery business. Sometimes funny stories would come up and we'd be laughing about a situation or something funny he remembered.
I think those conversations taught me more about my Dad than at any other time growing up. It also made me feel closer to the grandparents I never knew.
I hope you can realize that Mom is kind of stuck in the past. A past that may not include death. She may never remember your brother's passing. You will have to deal with the sadness over and over again if you keep reminding her. Remember it may always be the first time she was told of his death.
Please use it to your advantage. Honor your brother by remembering him and your memories. Bring up some good times together. Maybe his first job, first child/grandchild, costumes during Halloween, him getting caught my mom sneeking into the house after curfew, etc. It may also help you grieve.
Take care of yourself. Sending you love and prayers.
I'm sorry for you and your family and the loss of your brother. When we lose siblings it's just hard; I lost my brother two years ago.
My mom has Alzheimer's. Even though our situation is different maybe you can find something helpful in my experience.
Mom didn't realize on an emotional level that Randell was so sick. She and Dad saw him everyday for the last three weeks of his life. Dad told her he passed and she responded to Dad's emotion more than the news of Randell's death. It just didn't compute.
Dad struggled with how Mom might do at the memorial service. Because she just couldn't comprehend the event, she wasn't sad. She just enjoyed seeing all the family and having lots of hugs! What a blessing that she doesn't have to go through the grief of losing a son.
Now they talk about him through pictures and Mom refers to him as her baby boy. She has never asked about him in the present. Then again, she sometimes doesn't even remember she still has two daughters.
When we're all together we talk openly in front of her about Randell, the past, and on occasion about his illness but she simply doesn't have the capacity to realize he's gone.
Blessings to you!
Darra
They decided not to tell her that he died, but she insisted talking about him as though he were in the present. Eventually, she told them that he told her to be ready to leave on a trip. She was excited and happy. She passed peacefully.
It may help keeping someone with dementia a bit in the dark. Truth usually upsets them more than it's worth. Good luck.
In the last year, I’ve learned, it’s far kinder to tell this ‘white lie’ than to keep upsetting my Mum with the sad news that my Dad and Brother have died.
I hope this helps you with your Mom.
When my sister died, over 7 years ago, my mom could still comprehend and remember enough to know that her first child was gone, just not what she died of. Now she asks sometimes how my sister is. I get out the pictures of my sister and her family and we talk about her. Usually Mom starts to remember and asks how my sister died. If her memory doesn't get to it, I let it pass. I do tell her that my dad died when she asks because she has never been afraid of the subject of death. I think she mostly wants to talk about him. His photos are all over her room and at her door so that she can find her room in assisted living.
Thank you for your insight on this. Mom seems fine now with knowing he passed. She keeps saying that at least he is not sick anymore.
Grace + Peace,
Bob