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My Father is a natural born control freak. Was in the military all of his life and loved the control his rank provided him. Since retiring, his controlling behaviors have ruined his marriage. I was forced to return home to care for him after a massive heart attack. My stepmother refused to return to help with his care.

Every holiday is "Hell" in our home. This 84 year old insist on being a part of meal preparation, although he never washes his hands. I've watched and counted on one hand the times I have seen him use soap and water after using the urinal and bathroom during the span of a week.

I advised my brother, the one in charge of cooking the turkey, to arrive early or my Father will start to prepare turkey himself. Well, when I woke up this morning, the turkey was moved from the back room to the kitchen and was soaking naked in the sink. I wanted to die! This was not my Father being helpful, this was him taking charge and controlling how the bird would be prepared. I ended up having to rinse the turkey several times under warm water to remove any possibility of contamination. I placed the turkey in a temp tray and back in the fridge it went. I went to a friends to prepare a cake and several pies as she had a larger kitchen. When I returned several hours later, I had a host of goodies and a large pan to place the turkey in. My Dad made the observation about the pan and proceeded to bark an order. He told me to place the turkey in the large pan and return it to the fridge. I said ok but was in the middle of unpacking the box of treats I had made. I received numerous dirty eye rolls and huffs as I didn't do as I was told. I sat down to eat my dinner, Chipotle, at 9:00 pm. Mind you he received his dinner promptly at 4:30 pm before I left. He barked the order to switch the pans again .... I responded by asking, Can I eat my dinner first? I hadn't eaten much all day! That's when he proceeded to stand up, and push his walker to the back where the turkey was. I asked what he was doing and he said he will do it myself. My fear was he would contaminate the turkey again and there would be no turning back. So, I wiggled my way past him as he opened the door to the office area where the second fridge was. That's when he used his walker as a weapon. He jammed the walker against my right leg to prevent me for squeezing by. I took a blow but kept on going ... I opened the fridge and the second blow from the walker pushed the door up against my back .... He continued jamming the walker against the door and my legs. I finally had to take control of the walker and remove it from him. That's when he started screaming at me.

I have a nice bruise for picture sake but he has gone too far!!! This is assault ... Should I contact the authorities? If nothing is done he will do this again and he needs to be taught a lesson.

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I feel that calling the police is a moot point at this stage of things... what is going to change about your dad if you do... here's another suggestion.... how about a complete medical workup, meds if neccessary, how about getting some in home care, how about seeing if he can be placed in a suitable facility that can handle this on a daily basis.... you won't be 'teaching him a lesson' you will be adding to his anger.... good luck and let us hear from you.....
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You definitely need to contact his doctor and let him know that your father is having violent outbursts. I really wish you all the luck in the world.

I don't mean to criticize you, but...if you're not going to remove yourself from the house for good (which I really feel you should do), you have got to be more assertive. Instead of "Can I eat? I haven't eaten today." just keep it at "I'm eating." You have a basic right to not be treated like a doormat. If my dad, who also uses a walker, and was (before dementia) a control freak, came at me with his walker, I'd let him know in no uncertain terms that he was about to be catheterized with it. You should probably not be that aggressive, because I don't want you getting hurt again. What you should do (after you talk to the doc), is just walk away every time he starts his control freak crap. Leave the room, leave the house, whatever. Don't cry, don't smirk, just walk out. As his body is failing him and he's less in control, he gets his control fix from controlling not only what you do, but how you feel. Stop letting him. Don't let him get you cornered again. Ever. I want to reiterate though, I really feel you should leave. Don't let anyone feed you any BS about how you "owe him". You don't. If you ever did, the scales tipped the other way when he got physical. The VA can provide caregivers for him. You're entitled to your own life.
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Woo, this sounds like a war of the wills to me. We lives through it here every day. My mother and I are both headstrong, with her being the more determined to win. She doesn't do it physically, but with angry words. I know that she has to get her way, so I try to work with that or get out of the room. It has gotten better and she has become more needy.

How would it have worked with you father to say, "Remember to wash your hands before you handle the turkey?" Or instead of saying, "Can I eat?" say, "I'll get it in just a minute when I finish my dinner." Diplomacy goes a long way when dealing with strong wills.

I don't know why old people can fixate on one certain thing, then get obsessed with it. My mother does it all the time. She picks out one thing, then wants something done right then. Not later. And she gets so upset if I don't hop up and do it right away. Sometimes I think they forget that their children cgs are not extensions of themselves.

I think it is great that your father wanted to be involved. Holidays are stressful times. If he would simply wash his hands all would be well. I know your concern there. I saw my mother putting together her pies with her fingers. I don't know if she washed her hands, so I personally do not plan to eat any of the pies. I don't know where those hands have been or if they were clean. Yuck.
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I appreciate everyone's input ... I decided to not contact the authorities. As you all have stated, it will just fuel the fire. When I wrote this question, I was full of hurt emotions and anger. I have placed my life on hold to take care of my Father and he assults me? I'm a little better now, but will be contacting the social worker with the VA about having him placed in a facility.

I no longer wish to be a doormat to a grumpy old man who doesn't appreciate the privilidge of being able to stay in his own home during his old age.
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Hopeless, just keep in mind through all of it that your dad is losing his control-and it probably scares him. No one wants to age and lose his ability to do things on his own-no, he should not have treated you the way he did-and I am sure it hurt very badly emotionally and made you very angry. I encourage you to use "I" messages with him such as "I feel really hurt when you say this..." or "I was really mad at you when you when..." I know it is really hard with control freak parents-but sometimes we are the ones who need to take control in loving ways so no one gets hurt, sick or bashed with a walker. :)
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Hopeless, I'm glad you're taking steps to remove yourself from a bad situation. People get hurt in situations like that. There's another caregiver on this site who had her leg broken by an Alzheimer's patient she was caring for. There are too many people who think and encourage others to think "that's just what happens when they get old", and wind up badly hurt. Remove yourself from the situation so that you aren't one of them. Whether or not he has dementia/Alzheimer's, at 84, he is not going to turn around and stop being a control freak. Understanding is fine, I encourage you to read up on what is going on with him. There's a wealth of information out there. Find it within yourself to feel sympathy and forgiveness. And while you're doing that, make the phone calls to the doctor and VA, and get yourself out of there.
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hopeless, one other thought, don't rinse turkey with hot water, always use cold.
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Hopeless I am sorry to hear about this happening to you. No parent should do this to their adult child. I am sorry people but I have had my own father get in my face and not to hit but sure looked like he wanted to. I will not tolerate any abuse from anyone and if your parent is trying to hurt you whether it is abuse or from their condition this is just not acceptable. I am sorry to sound so harsh but I have worked in domestic violence and it comes in all forms and sometimes it can be the reversal role where the daughter or son is abusing the parent. Who had the massive heart attack you or him? I did not get that part and if it was you or even if it was him you both need to sit down with someone, whether it is doctor or someone else in the family and get down to the specifics. This does not sound healthy at all and I am outraged that a parent could hurt their adult child after they are taking care of them. I know we tend to make all these excuses for this type of behavior but there has to be boundaries set way before this gets out of hand. I understand and have read on dementia and PTSD and Alzheimer's too. The day my father wants to strike at me or actually tries to hurt me is the day I really call it quits! We take enough as it is and no one needs to get abused in this manner. No one! I pray you get it straightened out as it is not healthy for you. I have been going through so much stress myself and knowing my father is ill is hard enough but to have to put up with the angry episodes just puts it over the top for me. Are you the only child? Blessings to you for all you do.
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He had the massive heart attack back in June of 2010, since that time, his health has declined. He's been a pretty unhappy camper for the majority of his life, so I shouldn't be surprised he has turned into an angry, bitter old man.

@ Crystal1224 ..... I agree with your statements. I've stopped my life to assist him with living his, within his home and his behavior just horrible! I never imagined that my parent would be so evil and hateful. But, I need to face the facts and do what is necessary to keep him safe. I have an appointment on Tuesday to speak with my VA therapist, from there the ball should start rolling to get him placed in a home. He will hate me for the rest of his life, and I really don't care!
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Hopeless, please don't change your mind. You can't put upnwith that abuse. Hugs.
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Dear Hopeless '

Physical abuse is not an option. If you feel the need to remove his walker to protect yourself, your dad would be better in a VA nursing home. I understand they provide very good care. You could visit him and your relationship may actually benefit from the change. Pick your battles: the turkey would be in a hot oven for many hours and heat destroys microorganisms..

I agree with the use of "I" messages + don't try to guess what your dad is thinking/feeling. He may be angry, but I doubt he would hate you forever.
Pick your battles. The battle of the turkey-- it will cook in a hot oven which will most likely destroy most microorganisms, or just don't eat the skin. Your dad may be trying incredibly hard to maintain a sense of worth, and being helpful. in the kitchen helps him to feel he is still needed. Good luck.
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Even with a walker, calling the police will only enhance the power he already wields over you and just about everybody else. An ex-Marine, there always was order & discipline around my home during my parenting years. My boys seemed as if in self-destruct mode and my wife couldn't handle it. So I had to take charge. There was also compromise and consequences for everyone, including myself.

Try setting up some behavioral rules and enforce them consistently. Make him negotiate.
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Here's a quick update ..... After 3.5 days of not speaking to my father, he rings his bell, a system we set up when he needs assistance. I go into the living to see what he needs .... And he proceeds with conversation as if nothing ever happened. He then says, he has noticed that I am not speaking to him, again. I say yes, I'm not until you apologize for your behavior. I explained that physical assault will not be tolerated and showed him the bruise me left on my leg! This man is truly insane ...... His response to my bruise .... Then you shouldn't have pushed me out of the way. I looked him in his face and said this is the end of this conversation and walked out. It took him 3.5 days to come up with a defense ... I pushed him out the way so he had to jam me with his walker 4 times. WOW ..... He is truly a sick person .... I'm not a professional and will not continue to be a part of this BS.

I'm sorry I sound so angry .... This man has never been kind, supportive or loving .... I often wonder what I moved back here from Maryland to take care of him. God help me!
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@Hopeless. I was thinking of you and your father today and glad I stumbled on your message this evening. I can understand your angry and it has been three days since you both talked. I have my good days and rough days too with my father but I remember a few months ago when he looked the slightest bit like he would get violent with me I reminded him of who I was and that his actions hurt. Of course he apologized after I went in the room and told him that I was his daughter and I am not the nurse. Maybe he treats the nurses that way I think I witnessed his anger one time at the hospital like that too. I will in no shape or form allow my parent to strike at me in no uncertain terms will that be dismissed due to their illness, medication or whatever. I think when that happens it breaks the chain of trust and respect with each other. I know the occasional angry outbursts are enough but to deliberately want to hurt the caretaker is a no-no. Many years ago I was a victim of domestic violence for ten long years and I know after going through all that my tolerance to anyone laying a hand on me or pushing me or violating me is gone. Zero tolerance. That is me now. On my last note to you and you may be doing this now is I would document every thing when this type of behavior is present and make sure you tell your father or whoever else you ever tend to that you are making a record of this and presenting it to the doctor. I have read and heard so many stories where the parent has turned on the adult child and vice verse. It is best to keep documentation and photos. You never know when someone will come calling with a story your father has told them and possibly turn it around on you and say you did so and so and so and so..You get what I am saying? Just be careful as some sicknesses can provoke violence and you do not want to be any party to it. If I had gone through this what you have did my father would have or I would have to make arrangements to have someone else tend to him. My father has always been the loving supportive father but I guess now he thinks I am the only one who can take care of him. What about my three brothers? I have been ill on top of all of it and I am getting frustrated as all heck here in my own home anymore.

What it sounds like is you have had enough too. It is sad too because you do everything for him and this is what you get. I know..I am there too. My father is angry with me because I need a respite. Well he will be angry with me and whoever else in the family wants to be. I need my sanity and space to breathe after doing this for two solid years with NO BREAK! It is either he goes into respite or his daughter will end up getting respite in a hospital room from exhaustion. And that is no exaggeration!

I am here for you if you ever want to write me. I send you hugs tonight. Blessings too!
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Hopeless; Don't be hopeless! We can only be good managers of our loved one's decline if we have some hope and clarity that OUR futures are in our control. Get your dad the OUTSIDE help he needs and be at peace with yourself.
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Hopeless, you are doing the right thing by trying to get your dad outside help and placement in a facility. You went way above any obligation in putting your life on hold and moving home, but unfortunately "it takes two to tango" and he is not willing/able? to make home care a reasonable option. There simply is never any obligation to put up with abuse, not for anyone. I'm praying that you can place him safely and then resume your life, which you have every right to do. God bless. The advice to document any verbal or physical assaults in case the issue ever comes up is a very good one.
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Thank you all for your suggestions and advice! This caretaker role is a hard one. Add a difficult, controlling and in poor health parent to the mix of things and it can be absolutely draining! I'm so glad I am able to log on and see that I am not alone this caretaker journey!

@ crystal1224 .... I'm so sorry to hear of your past abuse. I understand how that would make you ultra sensitive to abusive behavior from others, intentional or not. Do you care for your Dad full time? Is that the reason you are requesting he be placed in respite? I have considered that but the VA has been dragging their feet to get approval and find a company that would come in and stay with him. The VA actually pays for 6 hours a week for respite in the home. However, it has to be used all in one day. I told myself I would have to find something or somewhere to go for 6 hours but it would be worth it. I appreciate your thoughts and concern. I feel such a sense of not being alone when I log onto this website and see the messages that are left regarding this situation.

Thank you all again!

Ps .... I meet with the VA therapist tomorrow. I pray she is able to assist me in getting my Dad into a facility.
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Don't change your mind we all are with you
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@Hopeless - I just seen your comment from yesterday. How did the meeting go at the VA? Would love to know how your day is going today as well. Blessings to you and smile - you are not hopeless:) I know I feel that way many days myself lately. We keep on going that is for sure. Hugs xox
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God bless you Hopeless. My hope for you is that your dad will soon be comfortably settled in a place with other vets in similar circumstances, and once the stress of intense care giving for you, and trying to keep up for him, is lifted you two will be able to enjoy each other's company For me it was difficult to give up the role of caregiver, but a relief.
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@momsie I like your answer very much and agree as well. It is a difficult situation to finally come to terms to give up the role of caregiver as I am doing that now. Or trying to should I say. There is only so much one person can do and for so long before it starts affecting the caretakers health. I think that is true once they are settled the relief will surely come. Thank you for your answer to Hopeless as it also helped me.
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Hope all is well with you and yours; please let us know what is going on! Bless you. B
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Hello All,

It's been a few since I have been on the website.

Here's my update.

Shortly after the incident, I met with a social worker from the VA and my therapist. I got absolutely nowhere. Helpful suggestions on how to avoid a situation like what happended from happening again , but was told unless I have Guardianship, I can not place him in a home if he is not willing to go. Oddly enough, he pretends as if nothing ever happen. I have stayed, temporarily, until I can work through this process. I have placed a call to his Neurologist. He wasn't of much help either. Says he can't really assist or help without the diagnoses of Dementia. After that call I fell into a depressed state. Doing only things that I had to do, but not much else. I asked my brother if I could send my Dad to live with him for a few months and he declined.

I feel trapped however I am hoping something will happen that will help me with the cause of getting him in a home. In the meantime, I am trying to research alternatives to this sitation.
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Hopeless, you are not required to care for you dad in person. You are not required to accept abuse. You may not be able to place him in a care center but you can control your own behavior. He is in your home, right? (Or did you move into his home?) You can give him notice that he has to leave by such-and-such a date. You can tell him that you will help him find another place to live or that he can do that on his own -- his choice. (Or give notice when you are leaving and offer to help him hire help before you go.)

Your bother is not required to take him in, and you are not required to live with him. When you set a date and have given your father notice then also notify the VA social worker. This is a difficult situation but not hopeless. You simply do not have to continue to live with him.
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Violent outbursts = retirement home. But make sure his doctor gives him meds so he's not beating up on the nurses. I would never tolerate my grandparent if they acted like that towards me no matter how much I love them or how out of their mind they are. Nobody deserves that.
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OmgWhatNow, but how do you get someone to go to a retirement home? That is the crux of the problem, I think.
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I don't know, actually. My grandma has been kind of okay with going. A little reluctant to go, but she agreed. I'm not sure how to move someone who doesn't want to. Usually, I would think you'd just move them..for them.
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It's not as easy as we all would like for it to be. If someone is unwilling to be placed in a home, certain things have to be done. In my Dad's case, his Doctors would have to deem him unable to function mentally and say he needs 24/7 supervision for medical and/or mental reasons, giving us the authority to place him in a home. That's the hard part. His Neurologist won't do that without a proper diagnoses.
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Hopeless, did you photograph your injuries and show them to the social worker? Have you spoken to any social workers working for the Area Agency on Aging or even Adult Protective Services? You are an adult starting to need some protection! Their focus will be him but it might wake them up if they saw pictures of your bruises. If you say you are moving out and he is on his own by X date maybe these services will be forced to act? My mother refuses to accept help she needs or allow me any authority at all regarding her so I have much sympathy for you.
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@hopeless I was wondering how things were going for you. If someone is telling you they can not place him in the VA or a Home without the proper diagnoses then why the heck aren't they doing the testing? You need to get with his primary doctor and ask for this test and tell his Primary CARE doctor at the VA what has transpired. Make them document it as well. I can not believe they are unwilling to assist you with this. Be proactive in your stand on this for it is you that is suffering. Maybe they do not want an aggressive patient but guess what - the homes have many of them and they also prescribe medicine to help him. I don't know if it is different in each state but I was told you are not legally bound to take care of him if you are not a guardian, etc. I know I might sound cold and I am not trying to be but there comes a time where you have to put your foot down and get these doctors to listen and to tell your father you will not allow him to do this to you again. I would not tolerate it no matter what. That is when I say it is over and time to go somewhere else. I hope I never have to deal with this so late in life like you have and I feel for you. On your fathers defense maybe he does not remember doing this as it could be part of his illness. I do not know. I am just saying because some folks do things and deny or do not remember what they did. I know someone who is taking care of a Dementia/Alzheimer and they can not remember for one minute to the next. It scares me for this person since she is elderly and he could snap on her in a minute. The neurologist did the testing at the VA and found out what the problem was months ago. Medications sometimes do not cure this disease as well - especially when they do not take it. It only gets worse. I pray for you and your situation and have been thinking about you. Merry Christmas to you and the family. Hugs.
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