I need a break. Should I ask her to take Mom at least for the day so I can have time to myself?

thx everybody. I've read through most of your answers and I really appreciate the support. the reason I haven't reached out yet for outside support is that I have been too busy with work and just taking care of mom and everything. I have pets, too. also, to clarify a little because I think there might be some misunderstanding, my mom is actually able to be alone during the day and night. she is lucid, pays her bills (when she has enough money), but she is elderly and uses a walker and just needs help here and there with a variety of things. her doctor said it would be fine for her to be alone but that she should live near a family member, like in the same city. that's the problem. the house she owns is 500 miles away from her family and any friends. when she had her health crisis, I rushed up there and we (me and her mainly) that the best thing to do in the short time we had to deal with it was for her to come back with me so I could keep my job while we tried to sort it all out. I do have fmla for this situation thank god and that's a help. it's just there are a bunch of issues to deal with and it also has put me back in contact with my two siblings who I basically had nothing to do with for the last 15 years or so. my brother physically assaulted me and he lives in a foreign country and my sister is a very narcissistic and person who basically doesn't want to get involved because she doesn't want to bother with helping another person in her family if there is nothing in it for her. I did grow up in a dysfunctional family but I absolutely don't feel that gives my siblings a pass on helping out. I am going to write my sister and brother an email, actually it's mainly done, and send that and see what happens. my mom is really broke and that is not helping because I am paying for most of her expenses here such as food, her pet sitter, misc stuff, etc. my brother and sister have helped financially but the burden is still much more on me financially. and like I said, especially with my sister, relating to my siblings drives me crazy. even if I have to accept that they aren't going to help much or enough and I bring in outside sources for help, they still want to interact with my mom when it's convenient for them. this also drives me bonkers. so it's ok for me to be completely trashed and do all the dirty work but they just float in when it suits them and have a short visit and leave? has anyone else out there dealt with that kind of thing and how did you do it? so anyway, I am slowly working toward improving things and I think things are improving very slowly but it is a lot of work. I do agree that sleep is very important. I was thinking of calling a mental health counsellor for myself but I don't know if i'd even have the energy to go esp. if it was on a day off and I needed to rest.
anyway, I will keep posting here, it helps. some of the comments I felt were a little harsh although I know they are well meaning. please be gentle with me. I am having a difficult time and I am well aware of needing to reach out for help, etc. but I don't need to be reprimanded for not doing things that are suggested or doing them quickly enough or whatever. that doesn't feel helpful to me. anyway, thanks again. I am going to try to get to bed early again tonight.

Annabelle, thanks for that clarification. So the situation seems to be this: Your mother whom you love very much lived 500 miles from you. She owns her home. She had a stroke. You didn't want to leave her on her own so far from you, so you brought her to stay with you.

It is now three months later. The doctors say that she has recovered well from the stroke and that she can live on her own. She has no cognitive problems. You are overwhelmed with having someone living with you, and you also don't have the energy to explore other options.

The one option you are stuck on is having help from your brother and sister. They are not willing to provide any hands-on help, though they do provide small sums of money. You seem convinced that there must be a way to get them to help you. Your family was dysfunctional while you were all growing up.

Is that a pretty accurate summary?

Annabelle, some of your posts have sounded desperate. You are clearly very distressed over this entire situation. I am glad to hear you say, "I was thinking of calling a mental health counselor for myself." Reaching out on this forum was a good start but I'm afraid it isn't enough. Seeing a trained person face-to-face is the next step. Annabelle, you DESERVE a chance at happiness. You deserve to enjoy the love you have for your mother, without so much stress. You deserve support in this distressing situation. Yes, you are very tired and getting yourself into an appointment will be tough. But you deserve it!

Please keep posting here. We've come to know you a little bit and to care for you. And also reach out to professionals.

I have just read through all of the posts. Let me start by saying you are wonderful and need to find some help...but it will probably not come from your sister right now. I don't think people are saying, "you made your bed now lie in it" in the way you are taking it. But, each person must make their own decisions and if you want them to understand you, you have to see their position too. You are a loving caring daughter who really wants to be able to care for her mother. You brought her home to live with you with the intention of caring for her. Your sister did not decide that. She may too love you mother but know that she cannot handle caring for her full-time or even part-time right now, or ever. She only wants to visit occasionally. Your decision can't dictate or overthrow her decision.
Let me share about my sister and me. My sister's relationship with Mom was always much closer than mine. She lived a life style closer to that of my mom's and they did lots together. I was seldom invited. As a matter of fact, I was told I was not welcome at my mom's house unless invited...and the invites were few and far between. I know they both love me, but my focus was always my children and their focus was different. When my mom was diagnosed in 2009, my sister would go over with my mom a few times a week to help her and our step dad out. I offered but was not wanted. As my mom progressed, they decided they needed my help more and more. At times I could offer once a week, sometimes more. It was a bit challenging. I had a husband (who my parents didn't love), 5 adult children, grandchildren, and a full-time job. One daughter was living out of state and I was making the 7 hour drive every other week to go there and assist her family. My mom lives 45 minutes from me so to go pick her up for the day involves 3 hours of driving...there and back twice. She was welcome to go to work with me or come home with me but picking her up and getting to work on time was tough. At that time, my step dad didn't want us to come hang out at the house...just take Mom away for the daytime. It was challenging but I did what I could. My sister was always frustrated that I didn't do as much as she did. I felt bad, but was doing all I could. Mom progressed further (about 5 years ago) and my daughter's​ family returned to our area (her husband had been doing a medical residency). I was able to help more. My sister could handle less, emotionally. Now I was going more, sis less. Mom had a couple if falls, no injuries, but my step dad couldn't get her up. Now he knew he needed to let me help more. My employer allowed me to go to working mostly from home. My husband and I started staying at their house nights, then bringing mom to our home in the daytime. It was killing us going back and forth and mom was getting much worse. At that point my sister was helping once a week, then she called and said she was ill and couldn't help until the doctor cleared her, that was 2 1/2 years ago. She has never started doing any set days again. A little over a year ago, we moved mom into our house. At this point, mom is totally bedridden, she talks or yells all night if I am not in the room (I have a recliner). She has to have her briefs changed every 2-3 hours as she is totally incontinent. I give her a bed bath twice per week. She has to be hand fed and given fluids, with prompting to swallow. She says mean things to me but I just respond, "I love you mama" and continue on. My step dad comes twice a week to visit for about an hour. My sister has come 5 times to visit. I understand that she just can't do it... Emotionally and physically... And it is okay. We each have done what we could, when we could. I don't have any expectations of her. By the way, we have a brother too. He has seen mom maybe twice a year.
I guess my point is that you are only hurting yourself by hating your sister. Don't wait for her to help. Focus on finding ways to deal with mom's situation and still keep your life. You can change your decision if you need to. Medicaid is there to provide for her if you can't. Look at day care, or in home care givers.
Good luck and don't push yourself past what you can do. Take care of your self too.

Middle of night feel awful feel like I need to make clean break with siblings. Maybe quit job then sleep called Counsellor and aging care so what I just need to sleep people on here don't fully understand my life isn't feasible people aren't helping just lecturing at me I don't need advice I need a kind friend money sleep

Annabelle, I'm so sorry. Is it your mom who is keeping you up still?

i'm sorry about my last post. that was ungrateful. people here have helped a lot. it was 3 am or something and I just felt really alone. I can't remember why I wasn't sleeping. now the neighbors are having a party which is really too bad. I was trying so hard to get to sleep early tonight. I did call a counsellor and aging and adult services. had to leave messages with both. we'll see. with my siblings it is easier to just make a clean break with them, esp. sister but with what is going on it's not a great option. wow, the neighbors are being so noisy. why is it every single night something keeps me up? arrhhgg. anyway, I am plugging along here. someone I work with talked to me today about my situation. that was nice. she helps to take care of her MIL but doesn't live with her which she agrees makes a huge difference. I still plan to send the email I wrote asking for more help to my sister when I get a spare minute. thank you all for writing. i'm sorry that when I post sometimes I am in an incredibly bad mood. sometimes, the things I say I guess you have to take with a grain of salt or whatever because when I am really upset I am not very rational. oh, how I wish the neighbors would shut up. bet they are out there until like midnight. why is it so hard to get one good night's sleep. I would like to move out to the country where it is quiet every night and I would just absorb and relax into the silence. thanks again everyone. i'm just plugging away here doing the best I can. thx for the support.

Annabelle, I've been thinking about you, and hoping that your situation is slowly improving with your Mom, and you getting enough rest and additional help with caring for her! Yes, getting good sleep makes everything better!

Regarding those pesky neighbors! In most towns and cities, there are noise ordinances, usually 10pm, and you can call the police to shut them down, if they really keeping you up past a certain hour. I'd definitely call them, if they don't lighten up! The police can explain that you are caring for a vulnerable senior, so "have heart, huh?" It can also be anonymous if you prefer not to engage in them.

I know that you have had lot of helpful suggestions from the senior caregivers here, and believe me, they have been a lifesaver to Me, many a time! They do all means well, and some of their suggestions might work, others may not, and nobody expects you to "get um all done", in any sort of time frame.

Heck, I've been on this website for 7-8 years now, reading, asking for help and ideas, in the caring of my own FIL, who has lived with us for 13 plus years now.

Finally, and this weekend in fact, he is moving into Assisted living, just a few blocks from us! So yes, things can change, but they often do take time, and depending on your own timetables yourlifestyle, your own frustration level, and what you can put up for, and for how long, things can, do and Will get better! But you do have to keep reaching our to other, here and in your community. My husband's 2 siblings are a joke, and have Never been any he to us, Never, so I totally get your anger there!

Have you considered selling your Mom's home, and putting her money from the sale towards her care? Maybe she is well enough to live in a Senior subsidized Apartment, or go into Assisted living?

That would surely get her more independent of you, and you of her, more importantly, so that you can get back to living your own life, and resuming your "normal" Mother/daughter relationship?

This is something we are very much looking forward to, just being able to have a life of our own, after caring for our 4 parents all these years, and after raising our 4 kids to successful adulthood! Of course we will still be looking after my FIL, just in a different way.

Finally, my husband and I will be able to work on our marriage, which actually needs a lot of work, as we've spent the last 32 years caring for our family! I sure hope I still even LIKE him, once the focus is on us, rather than on others, Lol!

Just know that you are not alone in this crazy caregiving role, and to give the kind folks here Big Thanks, for even offering great suggestions, and for the Awesome friendships you will find here along your caregiving journey! I do see that you have done this and shown your appreciation!

From one mutual caregiver to another, God Bless, and Take Care of YOU! Love, Stacey B