My mother has been living with me for 6 yrs. She fights with me every day about anything and everything. She tells me how loud I can have my tv, how I can train my dog what I can do and not, how long I should be working so she isn’t at home all day with the animals. She has left my home to visit others like 6 times in 2 yrs. She is driving me so crazy that I lock myself in my room so she can’t bother me I’m 54 yrs old. I’ve basically started living in my bedroom because of all her complaining any time I try to enjoy my life. She had breast cancer… I took care of her through, that she also has arthritis and bulging disc’s in her back lots of age related problems. My mother thrives on attention. She can be the sweetest person you know but as soon as you are behind closed doors it’s a whole other story. The past 6 yrs have been the worst in my life. I cook and clean do her laundry clean her room. Make all of her appointment get her special foods her prescriptions take her to every appointment bring her surprises home. She does nothing but lay in her bed and get up to complain at me. Granted she is 75… but my dad is 77 and works 50 hrs a week with a pinched nerve in his back. In 6 yrs she never washed a dish, offer to rinse her dishes or even load the dishwasher. I literally do everything for her but bathe her or help her to the bathroom, I even serve her meals to her in bed…she feeds herself. I fold her clothes and take them to her to put away, I later find them stuffed behind her bed and stacked in other places. She can follow me around the house and complain all day. I make her appts, she cancels them time and time again, she won’t take her meds correctly so she keeps her infections constantly. If I have any comments to say to her about this it’s full blown war. But I’m the one that has to pay the price for her decision. I’m severely depressed for the way that I’m having to live. I think about doing away with myself if this is how I have to continue to live. She had told me before that she would report for elder abuse. I don’t want my life anymore. I’ve finally brought my mother back to her home state my brother lives here and we have her signed up for senior housing. She is throwing a fit telling me that she is a throw away and none of her kids want her. None of us want her living with us because of how she is. I made the mistake of letting her move to my state and moving in with me. I have paid the price of my mental state. Now she has a multitude of medical problems that she kept canceling appointments for and one might be breast cancer again! I told her that my mental state could no longer take care of her and she said she didn’t care about my mental state. I don’t know what to do I can’t take her back to my home state. I would rather not exist as to keep doing this and let her mentally abuse my mind for yrs to come. I can’t get the guilt out of my head. I need for my brother to help with this and my mother live in her own apt so I can go home. I had to quit my job to bring her here and help her get re established. I can’t even hug or kiss my mom anymore or barely tell her I love her. All her mind games has absolutely destroyed me. And she can just tell me it normal for moms to fight with their kids. Can anyone help with this what I’m feeling and thinking? I’m so desperate
You can't give her the care she needs because she has dementia. This is such a common issue. My aunt was the nicest person you'd ever meet her entire life. She was kind to strangers, she never insulted anyone, she never talked behind anyone's back, but not she will say terrible stuff to your face without holding anything back. "Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? You're so overweight."
She will accuse you of stealing when she loses something, etc. Dementia changes a person's personality in highly negative ways, so much so, that they aren't even the same person. Having to deal with a completely different irritated and stupidly childish adult is not something you should have to deal with. Your parents weren't dealing with a jaded, irritated, and abusive adult when they raised you. They never had to care for their parents because their parents died early in their 50s 60s without advanced medical care causing them to survive into their 90s with harsh medical consequences. Have you ever seen your mom take 16 different pills each day? They keep her alive past her usual lifespan, but her brain can't keep up and dementia with memory loss sets in.
This is a problem with the United States in general. We have the worst health care on the planet for a developed country, which is absolutely pathetic. In China, the government pays you to care for your elderly parents, because it's such a health problem over there. They, therefore, can expect you to care for your parents with the extra financial help they give you to make up for your loss of income from babysitting your parents/parent. Does America do that? No. American memory care facilities will eat up any inheritance you'd expect to get, which is terrible, but it's your only option. You either allow her to pay for memory care, or you supply the care with absolutely no help from the US government. Disgusting. Just do what you have to do.
1) You have done nothing wrong, so drop the guilt!
2) It is NOT normal for moms to fight with their kids
3) "...she said she didn’t care about my mental state."
The last item is the MOST important - she DOESN'T care. Although she specified your mental state, it shows in everything you've written. She.Doesn't.Care.
Do what you have to and move on. You are NOT responsible for her happiness, and although she has medical issues, she should be quite capable of taking care of dishes, joining others at the table for dining, etc. She's been spoiled by being catered to (or was spoiled well before all this!)
Elder abuse? Yes, you are close to being elder AND you are being abused.
75 years old? That, today, is nothing. My mother lived alone and took care of herself and her condo until her early 90s, when dementia stepped in. If not for the dementia, she could have stayed longer. I have physical limitations, and avoid tasks that might aggravate it, but I am not far behind your mother in age. I take care of myself, the cats under my care, my house, my cars, I even plow my own driveway! I have a neighbor who is closer to your mother's age - she's been on her roof making repairs! She burns wood, and splits what she purchases.
Your mother need to be left in the place you found for her, and you move on. NO guilt. No second guessing. Don't listen to the crap she's selling. You are NOT throwing away your mother, SHE is throwing away her own physical self AND alienating her kids!!!