I'm in a real funk after talking to one of my sisters yesterday. She is angry with me for walking away from my father who was 88 at the time (two years ago). I've put up with both verbal and physical abuse since I was a kid - hands around my throat with him threatening to knock my teeth in. I had been knocked to the floor and dragged by the hair of my head when I was just a kid. Even told me one time he couldn't stand to look at me. I could go on. There were 5 kids in the family and the 1st three of us had to put up with the bullying. I attribute their mental health issues to his actions. The younger siblings never experienced it at all, esp my youngest sister who thinks he's wonderful. I had had enough after the last angry outburst from him and decided that it was best for my well being and state of mind to simply walk - no contact for two years. Now he's in hospital with Leukemia I found it yesterday and my sister is upset that I've dumped all his care giving on them. I have offered to assist financially only. It's hard esp. since I am the oldest (now 65). I cannot be in the same room with him at all. I feel absolutely no love towards him what so ever. I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that I'm now totally cut off because everyone is upset with me. Feeling depressed and as if I'm the only one who sees the clear picture of what a complete jerk my father has always been. Anyone else experience this??
Lists of harm in many many ways that I have zero regard toward him or for that matter the entire unchosen "family". I would live for the day to be in a financial position with a roof over my head to turn my back and keep walking.
I feel you have the strength and clarity to sit very comfortably in your actions and decisions. Some things are too horrific & changes made for a very good reason. You only have one life. If you achieve independence from continual trauma, then the way forward with self peace and quality of life is paramount. Take good care.
will get the message if you say the same words enough times in a calm voice
Your father doesn’t want you there, it’s a constant reminder of his failure,
his inability as a father to protect
his child
dont feel any guilt, for protecting yourself , you have been doing that
your whole life in one way or another because you survived
Just try to forgive him and know that he died a long time ago
i hope you find the peace and strength to do what is best
It seems to me you're doing what is required and no guilt is necessary.
My suggestion to you is not be his caregiver because it can trigger both you and him. The best thing to do is for the ones he did not abuse is to help out and look into Medicaid and reach out to a social worker to find help caring since they won't be overwhelmed by not having any help. There is no reason to be guilty because you stood up for yourself and it would be better than causing the emotional distress of helping your father and he would be able to sense it. My family found a live in caregiver for cheap on Facebook group.
Maybe you can do the shopping for the groceries. There are free resources for the elderly meals on wheels, rides takes them to their appoints, senior center activities. I wished I could have used those resources when I was caregiver because they thought I should do it by myself
They are in no way that they are obligated to do more than they can handle. They know their limit
Tell them. There are many resources they can use. I don't know if he qualifies for Medicaid but it will pay for it. If not, look up resources for elderly in your area
Your sister chose her role as 'caregiver'. Although I had not realized she was 4 hours away....I assumed she was doing hands on care so this does change things. Even if he was Father of the Year you are not obligated to provide care for him. What exactly is she expecting you to do? Do you live close by and she wants you to visit?
Has she seen a picture of you when you had that bruise your father gave you? Did you explain in GRAPHIC detail the abuse you suffered? Have you asked her why three of his five children want nothing to do with him? Would she be ok if her husband beat on one of her kids...would she expect them to forgive and forget? Has your father told her he is remorseful for the way he treated you?
I think you need one last letter to your sister outlining everything. Tell her you are sorry she can't understand the impact your father had on you and that you have to stay away for your well being. You don't want this to affect your relationship with her but if it does, so be it. Then it is time to distance yourself from her.
When I got divorced I was very honest with my children about why. They still loved their father as they should but I needed them to understand why I did not. Son got it, but daughter didn't and was angry at times over that. I did not try to influence her feelings towards him...basically we agree to disagree. When she was 16 she came to me and said "I apologize...I now see what you saw". Some people will not believe until they see it for themselves.
You didn’t dump all the caregiving on your siblings. If they chose to do it, that’s on them. You had every right to walk away. And I’d say your dad did the dumping by failing to plan for old age. You’ve done more than a lot of siblings have done by offering financial support. I agree, your sister needs to practice what she preaches and forgive & forget!
are you totally cut off from all the siblings? What is stopping you from reaching out to them? Your youngest sister, it seems she thinks she’s calling the shots? Don’t let her drive a wedge between everyone.
If this is all very recent (yesterday?), just wait. It’s an upsetting time for everyone, including your sisters. If you are clear about being willing to provide finances, you will all work out in time who can do what. But be careful about finances – care is very expensive, and your dear daddy should have made his own preparations for it.
She wants you to forgive and forget abuse, yet she won't accept that you can not continue to be abused by this man, so she isn't forgiving you for her having to take care of him. Maybe she is more like him than you know.
You are correct in keeping yourself away from the abuser, regardless of what he is to you.
I am sorry you were abused by your father. No-one deserves the wrath of someone else's wounds and sickness. Your little sisters experience is much different and its okay for her to have a relationship with her father. Your experience is very different and its okay for you NOT to have a relationship with your father.
You can support your sister. If she wants it and if you want to give the support.
You can help her or her family while she is helping your father.
You do not have to explain, you do not have to rehash what he did just tell her that you can not care for him personally.
If she or anyone else in the family "doesn't get it" there is no need to explain your decision.
Do not let the feeling of guilt make you do something that will be harmful to your mental health.
That your sister did not experience what you did does not entitle her to expect your assistance in his care.
If you have a good relationship with your sister, you can tell her you're willing to help HER with things she might need, as long as you don't have to be in contact with your dad. If she can't understand your feelings, there's not much more that you can do, other than to try and keep the lines of communication open with her.
Your mental health matters, and trying to bury the feelings about your dad will cause you nothing but pain. I hope you can reach a resolution with your sister that will work for both of you.