So what do you do with an aging parent that is just a kook?
I suspect my mom has always been suffering from depression/anxiety and is possibly bipolar. She is an alcoholic. She has been on Benzodiazepines for decades just to make it through life. I believe my dad helped keep her under control over the years. Well, dad ended up with dementia and I had to place him in a memory care home 2 years ago. Mom refused to take care of him and spent her days mostly drunk and passed out, so he started wandering, etc. and had to be moved out for safety's sake.
So, she lives down the street from me in their home, alone. BTW she's only 76 so not super-aged. We've been on a roller coaster of drinking, Benzo abuse and withdrawl, falls, multiple hospitalizations, 2 stays in a mental health center, etc. Right now she is hospitalized for the fourth time in 10 months because of falls & injuries from either drinking and/or prescription drug mis-management. Also, there have been regular suicide threats for years.
I am 51, work more than full time and am responsible for managing my dad's care because she refuses. I am also an only child. I suspect due to mom's basic physical health she will be in my life for at least another decade, possibly more.
For so many reasons, I cannot take her into my home, it would ruin my life. But I am stuck with her living 4 houses away from me. I don't know what on earth I am supposed to do with her in the upcoming years. She does not have dementia, she has money, she has a house & 2 cars, and persistently says she will commit suicide before considering assisted living or anything like that. She says she will "die in that house".
It's ruining my life. I can't properly live my life and I feel like my future is on hold indefinitely. If she lives as long as her mother did, I will be 70 when she dies. I can't handle this for the rest of my middle-aged years.
I guess I'm mostly venting, but if anyone else is dealing with a kook, rather than dementia, etc., I would love to know what & how you are doing.
Live your life.
The 3 C's
I didn't CAUSE it
I can't CONTROL it
I can't CURE it
She will only ruin your life if you let her. There are others (paid, through govt services, etc) that can take on some of this burden. Look for them. If your mom has money -she can pay for them.
Otherwise - you are right. You will be sucked in deeper and deeper.
"...So yes I brought her the cigarettes and she laid a big guilt trip on me...."
Uh? Why, did you?
Pause for thought.
Two lists.
1. Taking the last six months, say, write down the tasks you have done on your mother's behalf.
2. In principle, write down what you believe are an adult child's responsibilities towards its parent, making due allowances for particular, explicable extras. E.g. assisting with travel insurance proposals, because I care to see it's done right even if she doesn't. Or, taking her to the mall once a month because she likes it and it's no trouble.
Once you've done that, take a highlighter to any tasks that appear on 1. that are not sanctioned on 2.
Then think what you might say to anyone who told you, for example, that they felt forced to leave their place of gainful, purposeful employment, where they were busy, in order to buy cigarettes for their solvent, able-bodied mother.
As others have said, this is about boundaries; but in your case it is also about resolving the issue, in your own mind, as to whether your mother is or is not a competent adult. If she is, it's right to enforce normal standards of acceptable behaviour. If she isn't, it's right to seek (and if necessary impose) support from outside so that you're not carrying the whole burden. But the pattern that's been established so far is heads she wins and tails you lose.
Are you just going to stand there and take it?
"For so many reasons, I cannot take her into my home, it would ruin my life."
ABSOLUTELY stick to that!!
"But I am stuck with her living 4 houses away from me."
Just because she lives close doesn't mean you have to drop in or that she will drop by. It is great for those who have a good relationship and a parent who needs and appreciates assistance, but in your case, she is just another neighbor. Don't drop anything for this woman!
"I don't know what on earth I am supposed to do with her in the upcoming years."
WHY do you feel you have to do anything with her? She is "competent", has a house and money, let her take care of herself.
"She does not have dementia, she has money, she has a house & 2 cars, and persistently says she will commit suicide before considering assisted living or anything like that. She says she will "die in that house"."
This is her life, let her live it or not. You cannot change her, you can only change yourself and your responses to others' behavior!
You have no obligation to provide any care for this woman. Others have suggested getting POA, but that can only work if 1) she AGREES to it and 2) she becomes incompetent or allows you to take over. I would not waste my time on that. Ensure that dad's income/assets are separate from hers and do what you have to do for him.
Focus on YOUR life, YOUR marriage, YOUR health and well-being. She has her own destiny and there are no rules saying that you have to intervene (even if you did, what would that accomplish?)
Set those boundaries - if you feel you need to help at all, take that suggestion about allocating a specific day and time to take care of anything that needs doing (What would she need anyway?? She has two cars - god forbid that she drive drunk. She has money - she can order stuff to be delivered if she cannot drive.) With caller ID, you should know it is her calling - let it go to voice mail! You do NOT have to answer, you do NOT have to say how high when she says jump.
If she has more rehabs/hospital stays and they call to have you bring her home, decline. They cannot force you to do this. They usually determine if someone has a safe environment to return home to, and if you decline, they *could* decide not to release her to her own home. Let THEM make that determination (do beware, there are some states that can try to make you responsible in some way, but consult with an Elder Care attorney could provide you with a way to avoid that.)
Some of what is suggested here sounds heartless, but you cannot help someone who refuses to help themselves. She can ruin your life, your marriage, even your job if you let her. Draw that line in the sand and STICK to it!
I was running myself ragged driving her and my head-injured brother to stores and doctors after she lost her license. They do say thank you but my mother has manipulated the whole family into her personal cult. My mother hides within this circle of yes-people who use and flatter her at their convenience but don't help.
After a couple of months of running them around I realized that I had given up myself--I had no medical or dental insurance, wasn't exercising or socializing and had no life plan. So I backed off before I ruin myself.
My deceased father was also a piece of work. Both have personality disorders and were terrible parents. Everything was about them and their dramas.
You could do some things for your mom but not answer every call. If she wants something she'll find a way to get it. If she wants to kill herself rather than go into assisted living, it wouldn't be the end of the world. It might be the beginning for you.
Self help books and you tube videos by Jerry Wise, Scott Bassett and Abdul Saad have helped me more than counseling, and they're free and can be done 24/7.
Many psychiatrists and counselors say that mean, crazy people often live long, long lives. Your mom could live well past 90. Mine is frail but will likely exceed 100.
Good point! I think they can do this because they are literally sucking out their enablers life force. Their primary scapegoats/servants *ahem* care givers are the ones that are losing their lives.
What so many dont' understand, and I too was like this for many years. is that your demanding, chaos loving, selfish, childish parents can likely live a very very long time off your efforts. They actually enjoy crisis as they are the center of attention. We adult children rush in to help thinking only of the crisis at hand and don't realize until it's too late that there will be a crisis every week, sometimes every day or few days for years on end.
And that a great deal of the crisis are easily avoidable or just plain spoiled
demands. But when these types of demands come on the heels of a real health crisis or even during, it's easy to lose sight of the distinction and you start trying to do it all.
Toxic people thrive on crisis, actually need crisis to feel alive, to feel excitement and to be the center of attention. Normal life is boring to them
too drab, too normal and not dramatic enough. Since they're too damned lazy to make this happen for themselves in a healthy way such as an interesting hobby, getting involved with some kind of volunteer work, creating a dynamic social circle, they settle for toxic drama instead.
If they can they will cut your life short with their demands to "enjoy" a long life filled with toxic drama.
1) Find yourself a professional you can open up to. You are navigating very difficult and stressful times. It would help to have a neutral party you can talk to—if nothing else to help sort out your feelings and have someone in your court.
2) Think about your dreams. I know it's very hard when you are tired, but this can really help with the big picture.
3) Do your dreams involve moving somewhere special you always wanted to go? If so, act on it! Make sure your father is in a good facility or take him with you if you can.
If you continue to live near your mother I guarantee she is going to take you down with her. It's hard enough setting boundaries with someone with a substance dependence and personality disorder when you don't live close to them. It's nearly impossible to set solid boundaries with someone who lives down the street and has those kinds of mental problems.
Even when an elderly relative is a somewhat sane person, it's tough setting boundaries when you live close. I have seen this with a dear family member caring for her parents, and it's at the point that her body is about as wrecked as her centennial family members, and we now have to worry about her. She isn't even 70 yet!
Do not let your mother ruin any more of your life with her selfish decisions. If you feel bad, you can try to put her in assisted living, but if she is capable of caring for herself it is something you can't really enforce.
Sadly, some family members (including parents and siblings) are this, and us helping isn't really helping—it's just enabling their crappy behavior and ruining our own lives—as well as the lives of other people who depend on us. If the mentally ill users decide they need help (beyond enabling), they seek it on their own...not because they are "helped" into it. Most don't.
I've had to make this choice to walk away from my own parents, and while I hear sad stories about them once in a while ruining parts of their lives I know their story would not change much if I was there. They'd simply wreck mine as well. I'd be so stressed I'd either be self-destructive (BTDT) and/or would take out my stress and hurt my own sweet family (BTDT, too). But I realized that I deserved better, and I'd rather be a good wife and mother than a "good daughter." I'm also finding I'm simply a good and happy me for once. It's been a decade, and I do not regret this decision for a second.