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You are, from your note, taking on the care of everyone. I would suggest counseling because you are acting against your own best interests and you are in caregiver mode to the extent it is destroying your mental health. You should hire a fiduciary to care for Mom. You are her POA, and as such you are able to hire a Licensed Fiduciary to handle all her bills and business interests and care, or some of it. As to brother, you already informed him and it is time to stop enabling him now by paying for things for him. He will be on his own with what he is left. His own actions will predict what happens to his own life.
You say you "give your Mom the best care". I am not certain what that means about where she lives. Is she with the much beloved son in her own home or is she in care?
I would back out and step away. You are in some of the best last years of your own life. A time when you should be free to live a free life before your own health and limitations stick in. This should be the time to travel and enjoy yourself, not a time to be sandwiched between family members in need.
I would seek a counselor and comb out your plans for YOUR OWN life. Because right now you are so much slave labor to other family members. It is no wonder you are suffering mentally. I sure wish you good luck.
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ellimac Mar 2021
By my offering her the best care I don't mean to sound all about myself. I just take care of her details-hygiene , like bringing her toothpaste to brush her teeth, taking out the trash after I have wiped her and there is urine and bowel movement in a bag(has a potty chair that I line with a potty bag),clean house vacuums, wash dishes, laundry, change her fentanyl patch every 3 days, clean bathroom, mop floors, give mom a sponge bath because she turned hospice aid away the other day. The aid bathes her twice a wk.. I bathe mom when she has turned hospice away for whatever reason, wasn't feeling up to it or what.... take out trash, fix breakfast, lunch, and supper. soak mom's nails so I can clean under them. Put anti fungal liquid on her toe nails, put her socks on after washing her, putting her half gloves on because she has pain in her hands. . I am there 24/7 with my brother to help give my brother a break..When I am there I am her full-time care giver as my brother plays his video game while I am there. (I really don't mind that he takes a break. . I just have to deal with his I am always "here" comments) or snide remarks. He and my other brother are angry because dad left me in charge of what little money there is left. Out of that money bills are paid (utilities, house insurance, brothers truck insurance, if he has a truck part to replace I get the receipt and money is repaid to him out of moms acct. .. on top of this my brother is paid weekly. He has no bills. I have to leave at times (every 3 months)with my husband to check on his mother who has heart issues and who lives in another state. When I am there (In another state) I get calls from my brother. will tell me what he is dealing with and calls me when he is drunk ...to guilt me and worry me while I am miles away. Hospice is on board with everything that is going on.. thank you for your kind understanding.. I just had to vent, God is with me and I continually meditate and seek him for answers. I find peace in him..Thank you again for being so kind.
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There is no obvious reason for you to be connected to your brother, so unless there is something you haven’t mentioned, begin the process of emotionally DISconnecting from him FOR YOURSELF AND FOR YOUR OWN WELFARE.

If his care of your mother is not safe or comforting or loving FOR HER, begin to seek out alternatives that will be safer and more loving and more comforting.

Whether your brother hates you or loves you has NOTHING to do with your mother’s care. If she is unable to live in her house or care for herself her POA must figure out what is best for her and decide objectively on her behalf.

If you feel that you cannot in reality walk away you must learn to do that EMOTIONALLY, for your own welfare.
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ellimac Mar 2021
Thank you so much for your answer. I would love to take mom out of the situation however my mother is adamant about being there and that she gets good care when I have to be gone 3-4 weeks to visit my sis who I had taken under my wing 12 years ago got her the care she needed in assisted living.. I visit her for a week and then take the other weeks to visit my mom in law who has heart issues although doing ok.., also use this time to go to doctor visits. After a month of taking care of others and myself. I return to give my brother 3 months break from caring for my mom.. You are right brothers love and hate does not matter where mom is concerned. Thank you ever so kindly!! God is with me
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If you don't plan on inheriting anything and that's fine with you as you've said, then maybe it's time to talk to your brother about signing the POA over to him.
As it is in so many families the sons are always golden and can do no wrong in mom and dad's eyes while the daughters are lower than the gum stuck on the bottom of a shoe. This goes on every day with millions of families. So you're not alone, honey. You might think he's the golden child and that your parents worshipped him, but he's still the caregiver. Even though mom speaks so highly of him and your dad did also, they may have treated him very differently when no one is there. My mother speaks very highly of me to others about how she doesn't know what she'd do
if I wasn't here. What she says to others is very different then what actually is. For years I was treated like less than a pile of garbage. Sometimes I still am.
You have the POA so are in control of the money and assets. Hire a cleaning lady to come in once or twice a week, or an in-home senior caregiver a few hours a week to help out with some of your mom's needs like hygiene and running errands . Don't get on him about the cable and internet though. Don't do that because it's petty. He's there and is the one who took care of both your parents and is now the 24 hour caregiver to your mom. That's not an easy situation for anyone to be in, so don't begrudge the guy his tv and internet. He obviously has no life, so let him have that.
If the fighting and accusations are too much for you, then give over the POA to him as well. Then all the legal responsibility will be off of you and you can help out with mom in whatever ways you choose to or not at all.
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ellimac Mar 2021
Thank you dearheart what I failed to explain is that my brother takes care of my mom for about a month at a time, I take care of my mom 3 months at a time... brother has no bills, no utilities, no rent, no insurance to pay on either house or his truck... he also gets paid out of mom's dwindling acct.. all she gets is her social security, and part of dad's he passed a year ago...

while I take a month to go to my doctors appointments, husbands doc appts in another state, visit my sis in that state as she is in assisted living (I took her under my wing about 12 years ago) mental challenge..she is doing well. I also take this time to visit my mom in law who has heart health issues. I have offered to take mom to care for her...but neither she nor my brother want that. This way I would not have to deal with my brother and he would have to figure things out for himself.
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You are doing enough by handling your mother's finances. Empath or not, you allow your brother to occupy too much space in your head. Hire a cleaning lady for your mother and pay for it using your mother's funds. You have your own family to care for and your mother seems content with her situation and having her son living with her.
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ellimac Mar 2021
thank you dear heart doing what I can. Giving it to God. you are right mom is content in the situation. I have offered to take her on full time instead of 3 months at a time..but neither mom nor brother want that.. that should be my answer thank you kindly
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Your brother has no complaints. He has been living rent and utility free for 6 years. That is his payment for taking care of Mom.

Mom is on hospice, so she will pass eventually. Was the house actually left to your brother? If so, when he inherits it he can continue to live there or sell it and find an apt using the proceeds of the house to offset the rent. Any money left can be split. He will then be on his own. You can go back to your life.

Please, do not take his care on or have him live with or near you. Make sure, when the time comes, that he understands that he is now on his own. That you will be giving him no financial support. He gets the house but he alone will pay the utilities and taxes. He no longer has a free ride and you are not going to be it. He is going to have to hit bottom. He is an adult and he has put himself in the position he is in. Do not enable him or disable him.
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BurntCaregiver Mar 2021
No sorry, but living rent and utility free while being a 24/7 caregiver isn't payment for taking care of mom and dad. The brother has been doing this for six years.
We don't have slavery or indentured service anymore, so room and board alone isn't acceptable.
Such is the attitude of so many families. They think that once the elder passes away that the designated caregiver can just find a job and resume a regular life after years of having no other life outside of the home and caregiving life. So no allowances should be made for their welfare.
Think of a live-in family caregiver like a married housewife who is out of the workforce for years taking care of the kids, the house, and the husband. Then one day the husband comes home and says he wants a divorce and a different life. The woman doesn't just say okay, see you later and then starts providing for herself.
No, It doesn't work like that. They go to court and that housewife is awarded alimony and property that the divorcing husband has to pay. Many times he has to keep her on his medical insurance. Or if the kids are teenagers and old enough to stay alone, he still pays child support.
Why should a family caregiver who's there 24/7 for years at a time not be afforded the same security and respect as this?
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Move out with your husband and resume your life. Your well being is impossible to achieve in this environment. Your mother isn’t changing except to get worse. You can’t win with either her or your brother so leave them to it. You can continue to oversee her finances from a distance. Brother is supposed to be there as a caregiver, he’s rewarded and recognized for it, so let him do it. Or not do it, but it’s not on you. Have their groceries delivered, and keep mom's money away from brother
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katiekat2009 Mar 2021
You would walk out on your dying mother?
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why do you care about the car's alternator? Does he drive your mom to places?
Do you depend on him to take mom to doctor appointments? Look up the year and model number, call the local car parts place (auto zone) and ask how much the alternator costs... geez.. He doesn't need to take mom anywhere but to doctor..Now with all the other alternatives nowadays..... your mom should be able to get groceries delivered... right?
Tell mom and brother you and hubby are taking a break.. going out for a few days... you will call when back in town... Do NOt Answer Your Cell Phone...PERIOD
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ellimac Mar 2021
Thank you.. mom is on hospice the nurse comes to mom. Aids bathe her.. social service visits too.. I care for mom every 3 months then my brother has to watch her 1 month while I go to the doc, visit my sis in assisted living, and ck on my mother in law who has heart health issues.. then I am back to care for my mom for 3 months again.. thank you kindly for your comments.
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